Michael Redmond on Friday Night Live


Uploaded by Elborl on 16.10.2008

Transcript:
thank you, good evening
thank you again
I like going into newsagent shops and saying,
"excuse me is that mars bar for sale?"
when he says yes I say
okay I might be back later I still have a few other ones to see
I like ringing up bookshops
when they say "yes can I help you?"
I say no I'm okay thanks I'm just browsing
I, um
I originally come from a place called Blarney Goshen
it's a small village just outside Ireland
I remember family evenings around the fire
my father fretting about the coming harvest
my mother consoling him because he was a chartered accountant, he didn't have to worry about that sort of thing
strange the things parents say to you when you're a kid
I always used to hate when my grandfather came to visit us
it wasn't just because he was blind
but I'd always been told that I had his eyes
I remember when my grandfather died
he actually died in his rocking chair
I was only a kid at the time
didn't realize the whole thing would keel over if I'm climbing on the back of it
anyway after my grandfather died my grandmother came to live with us
which didn't really make any sense because she was married to my other grandfather
who was still alive
I used to have a little dog
but he lived in Wales
actually on the, um
on the subject of dogs this uh... this dog followed me home the other day
I checked his collar tag, it read, uh
"Patch phone six four seven nine one eight two"
so I took him to the house and rang the number, said, uh,
"Do you have a dog called Patch?"
woman said "yes he's been missing for two days"
I said, "okay I'll try again tomorrow"
I just got back from a long holiday
I went around the world
it was alright for a holiday but I wouldn't like to live there
I had, uh,
had a spot of trouble while I was in Spain
my wallet was stolen
some Spaniard was caught the next day trying to buy stereo equipment with my
kidney donor card
one thing I learned while I was staying in a bed and breakfast in Bulgaria
never share a bed with two shepherds, no matter how cheap the room is
sometimes
sometimes it's hard to figure out what life is all about
whatever happened to Kajagoogoo?
met a friend of mine this morning
he said "did you notice the heavy fog last night?"
I said "no nothing wakes me"
I used to be, um
I used to be chairman of an underground political movement
was called the P.F.L.D.A.T
the People's Front for the Liberation of Dublin from patronizing American
Tourists
this American tourist stopped me in the street in Dublin one day and said, uh,
"Hey buddy you know any shops round here that sell souvenir leprechauns?"
I said "don't buddy me fat arse"
"think you can blow in here in your loud yellow checked suit telling us you don't mind the
weather over here coz Ireland is really your second home
and then you piss off back to your beach house in Florida for the other fifty weeks of the
year
telling all your friends you kissed the blarney stone and 'to be sure' and 'to be sure'
and 'bejesus' and 'begorrah'
and everything is so quaint and everything is so green
and do you now why it's so green?
because it's always bloody raining that's why!
so don't give me this crap about souvenir leprechauns you patronizing pillock!"
no I didn't really, I said "there's this shop just around the corner you can't miss it"
I've been living over here for about a year now
there's one thing I notice you have in England
which we haven't got in Ireland:
Birmingham. Thank you very much good night
ELTON ALERT