How I Seize It #23: "Valentine's Day"

(crying) Hey!
This is How I Seize It and it's Vallytime weekend.
Well, whoopdee fuckin' Cupid's doo doo! Your girl Lo here has seen better days,
and we'll just leave it at that. (crying)
I hate this damn day. Love is bullshit!
Mens only good for one thing and most times you gotta finish it for yourself,
if you know what I mean. I hates mens...
...except for the queer ones, cause they ain't never once tried to dick
me over, and believe you me I have tried
on several occasions. They don't leave the toilet seat up
so you have to go all ass-splash at four o'clock in the morning
and they don't go oglin' they eyes at some big-tittied slutty bitch at the gas
station. (crying)
(screaming) MAN: Oh no! God help!
LORETTA: Shut up! That sumbitch Bobby.
He said he was gonna go get us some Pall Malls and some lube
cause I done runned out of my good White Rain conditioner.
And so he was gone for like forever and a day,
so when I woked up, I didn't know how long I had been sober
so I was gonna run down there and get some more beer.
When I walked in, that sumbitch- He had his head face down
in that bitch's cooch like some malnourished lapdog!
(screaming) I got me a picture somewhere-
Goddamnit... My evidence is all blurry...
So anyways, I had been heartbroke for like
a half a day or more and Mamaw, she said that I ought
to get me some professional help. So I wrotes that Dr. Phil,
but he ain't wrotes me back, but as luck would have it,
while I was sellin' that sumbitch's shit at my impromptu yard sale-
And I sold everything that he had except the clothes,
cause I cut all the hearts out of all the shirts.
and the crotches out of all the pants. And who should pass by...
...but Dr. Phil! Everybody says that he can make it all better.
Well, I hope he brought his prescription pad! (laughs)
Did ya? Well, what's the matter, Dr. Phil?
Cat got your tongue? (laughs)
Shit. I forgot to send you to wardrobe.
MAN: Ouch! LORETTA: You a pussy.
Anyway, make yourself at home, Dr. Phil. MAN: I told you on the way here, I'm not-
LORETTA: Dr. Phil gonna fix your girl Lo's broke heart.
MAN: Please, I have a family. LORETTA: You better fix me.
MAN: But, I'm not Dr.- (glass breaking)
LORETTA: FIX ME!!! MAN: Okay, I'll fix you...I swear I will.
Just please don't kill me! LORETTA: And don't disappoint my fans neither.
MAN: Okay. So what seems to be the problem Miss?
LORETTA: Oh, Dr. Phil, where do I begin?
See, I think I'm an alright person. I think I'm a good person!
I treats people...alright and I go to church twice
about every six to nine months. But everytime I gets in love,
the mother fucker either just cheats on me or leaves me
or he runs off to be a tranny... But this last one-
And goddamnit, he will be the last one. He left me right before Vallytimes day
and he didn't even give me one reason why! I need closure Dr. Phil!
MAN: How long have y'all known each other? LORETTA: Well, you'd have to know me better
to understand, cause for me sometimes the days kind of run
together. It felt like it had been like months,
but my best guess is that we hookup sometime around last Tuesday.
MAN: Was he...abusive? LORETTA: Shit, I cut a feller's pecker off
he try to lay a hand on me. MAN: Maybe he left...
And I'm just goin' out on a limb here...okay? Because...of your drinkin'.
LORETTA: What are you talkin' about? This is lunch!
MAN: I think you may want to consider rehab. LORETTA: What?
MAN: ...re-hab? (man screaming)
MAN: AHHHHHHH! LORETTA: And I think you might
want to shut the fuck up! (man crying)
LORETTA: You have- SHUT UP!!!
You have ruined my Vallytimes Day outfit! And you ain't even no real doctor.
I know! I looked it up on the internets! (mystical chimes)
Oh my God! That's it!
That's the cure for heartbreak ladies! If a man hurt you,
you hurt a man! I mean, you ain't gotta stab nobody or nothin'.
It's the cycle of abuse. It'll save us all.
Thank you, Dr. Phil! You a miracle worker.
Happy Valentimes Day! And 'On Comet and Cupid and All That Shit!'
And remember, it's better to get revenge
than to love and loss and love and better than all that bullshit...
And that's How I Seize It! Hey, Dr. Phil!
You can be my vallytime. Get to work.
Yeah! (laughs)