Wedding Speech for Dan and Cassie

Uploaded by TheWhitneydrazen on 29.05.2012

Ryan: Mic check, checking the mic. 1, 2.
Ryan: I can just yell it, too.
DJ: Check 1, 2. Check.
Ryan: Checking the mic, 1, 2. Oh, there we go. That works.
Ryan: That was a great ceremony, everybody, huh?
Maybe someday Dan's actually going to tell us what he said.
Whitney: When Dan first asked us to give the speech at his wedding, we initially thought:
Are you sure that's a good idea?
Ryan: But right after that we were very honored.
On one of the biggest days of his life, Dan chose us to introduce him to his new family.
Whitney: Entrusted with this important task,
we did what anyone in our generation would do:
Ryan: We put it off until the night before and then we googled it.
So we found a guide online about how to give a wedding speech, step by step.
Whitney: Step 1: Cut a hole in the box. Step 2 --
Ryan: [Interrupting] No, no, no, no, no!
Ryan: We now present to you How to Give a Wedding Speech, a perfectly adequate one,
in 11 easy steps.
Whitney: Step 1:
Introduce yourself.
Ryan: I'm Ryan, Dan's sensitive, good-looking groomsman.
Whitney: Hi, I'm Whitney. I'm the other one.
Ryan: Step 2: Break the ice with a joke.
Whitney: Hey, Dan. You know the first time you gave Cassie a ring. What do you call that?
Whitney: It's a proposal. You know, you got married. You did it. You should probably know that.
Ryan: Cassie, what would you call it, if you got a ring for Dan?
Ryan: A good trade
Ryan: Step 3: Open by thanking those who made the day possible and end with saying
“Thank you to all those who have made it here today.”
Whitney: I got this one.
Thank you to those of who made the day possible.
And thank you to everyone who made it here today.
Ryan: Step 4: Comment on how beautiful the bride looks.
Ryan: Cassie, you look absolutely radiant.
Whitney: Dan, you look pretty, too!
Ryan: Step 5: Transition to your speech:
The real reason we are here is to celebrate Dan and Cassie.
Whitney: Step 5B:
High five the other groomsman.
Whitney: I just made that one up.
Whitney: Step 6: Talk about how you know the groom.
Ryan: We both met Dan at the University of Rochester. We were in a fraternity together,
Sigma Nu.
Hold your applause.
Whitney: Our fraternity was exactly like the ones you see in the movies.
Specifically, Revenge of the Nerds.
But due to Dan's leadership and dedication, he was twice honored as man of the year.
Ryan: You have to keep in mind, though, that we were his competition right here. So...
Ryan: Step 7: Talk about some of the positive qualities of the groom.
Whitney: Step 8: Tell amusing anecdotes about the groom.
Ryan: Well, when we first met Dan, he was tall, goofy and kind of awkward, but a lot has changed.
Whitney: For example, Dan now has a beard.
Ryan: Dan is really moving up in the business world. He works for an aerial imaging company.
Whitney: Pictures from the sky, like a super high-definition version of Google Maps.
Ryan: And Dan recently got promoted.
Yea, the satelites were getting expensive.
So now they just hand Dan a camera
and have him to go like this.
Whitney: Dan was my roommate freshman year.
Now, I can only assume that we were paired together because on his roommate preference form
He selected non-smoking
and Jewish.
So that first day when I met Dan I could have never imagined
that I would be standing here at his wedding, giving a speech.
And probably neither could he.
But that is, until we went to buy cinder blocks to raise our beds.
When we decided to do this, we took the bus to, where else?
From the parking lot of Wegmans, we spot a Lowe's,
It's about a three quarters of a mile down the road, and its across a busy six-lane highway.
So we walk over to Lowes and buy the cinder blocks.
Now it's 90 degrees outside, and we're both carrying 60-plus pounds of cement
and now we have to dodge in and out of oncoming traffic on our way back.
Our shirts they're soaked with sweat.
We almost got hit by a car multiple times.
And our hands, they are cut up and literally bleeding.
That's when Dan and I glance back and each other and we realize that the store next to Wegmans is
a Chase-Pitkin.
It's a hardware store.
They sell cinderblocks.
At that moment, Dan and I, we looked at each other
and we recognized that we have something very important in common:
We are both idiots!
That was about ten years ago. And Dan, you've been one of my best friends ever since.
Ryan: In the time that I've known Dan, we've been on many road trips together.
And let me tell you,
He is absolutely awful with directions.
So, this one time he comes out to Buffalo to visit me for the weekend.
And then, as he's on his way to head back out, heading back to Rochester, I realize:
I have to give this guy directions.
So, I give him these detailed, step-by-step intstructions.
And I even draw him a map.
I see him go the wrong way out of my driveway
So I call him up. He turns around.
And I see him turn the wrong way at the end of my street.
To make a long story short, I have to escort him all the way to the thruway
so he doesn't get lost.
But when you think about Dan's sense of direction, it's really a metaphor for the way he lives his life.
He usually doesn't get to where he was planning to go, but he always winds up
in the place that is right for him.
Whitney: Step 9: Pivot to endearing stories about the couple
Ryan: Cassie, we know living with Dan can't always be easy.
He has a lot of commitments to his job and to his other special someone.
I'm talking of course about his dog Remy.
So admittedly he's big, goofy and smells terrible.
Whitney: But Ryan! Remy doesn't care, he loves Dan anyway.
Ryan: But in all seriousness, Dan, you've trained two very nice dogs, Remy and Wrigley.
And I know you guys might not be thinking about this yet, but when you have kids,
if the way you've raised your dogs is any indication,
they'll be well loved and cared for.
But even before you guys shared the bond of dog ownership,
it was easy for Cassie to tell Dan was marriage material.
Shortly after they started dating, Cassie asked Dan if they were officially a couple yet.
And he replied, 'I don't know I guess'.
Whitney: But how quickly things change. Fast forward just one year.
Ryan: So now many of you will know the story of when Dan and Cassie first got engaged.
Dan prepared a gourmet dinner.
A bottle of champagne on ice waiting for them.
Warm, soft candle light.
Barry White serenading them in the background.
[In a soul voice narration] Whitney: Aaaaaawww, yeeeeeah now.
Ryan: So, in the midst of this perfect evening
There it is.
In the midst of this perfect evening. Dan gets down on one knee.
And he gently places his hand on hers.
Whitney: [In a soul voice narration] Who loves you baby?
Ryan: He looks up lovingly into her eyes.
And he reaches sensually into his pocket
and pulls out a crumpled, reused Ziploc bag.
Whitney: [In a soul voice narration] Ladies loooove Ziploc bags.
Ryan: Now Dan could have put the ring in a cheap box from a craft store.
He could even have gone to a jewelry store and to get a box for the ring.
But Dan didn't do this. Why?
Whitney: [In a soul voice narration] Because Ladies loooove Ziploc bags.
Well, that, too. But because inside of that crumpled, possibly used ZipLoc bag
was a ring that belonged to Cassie's Grandma. And it was the ring that Cassie wanted.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're all here today because Cassie knows
that whether it's a ZipLoc bag or the man you love,
it's what's inside that counts.
Whitney: Step 10: Close by wishing the new couple well.
Ryan: Cassie, since the first time we met you, you've always been nice to us.
Now it's official.
I'm glad Dan has found someone who can bring him back to earth once in a while.
You always welcomed us into your home. I know you and Dan are a great couple
because I'd marry either of you.
Whitney: Dan, I know I can speak for all of the groomsmen when I say despite everything
we just said, we are lucky,
lucky to be able to call you a friend.
You've always been there for us when we needed you. And I can say that without you,
I wouldn't even know most of the people, whom I now consider my closet friends.
We're gonna miss you when you move. We really will. But,
you've found a great partner in life and we couldn't be happier for you.
Ryan: Step 11: Raise your glass and ask everyone to join in a toast to the happy couple
Please join us and our fellow groomsmen in a 162-syllable toast to Dan and Cassie.
Whitney:Family and friends both near and far By bus by train by plane by car
Have traveled here as you can tell On this your day to wish you well
Ryan:Boyfriend, Girlfriend now man and wife. We all rejoice in your new life.
Just him, Just her, that chapter's done Your lives were two, Now only one
Whitney: If you don't know, you'll find out soon That not all life's a honeymoon
But take some time, no matter where If just to say how much you care
Ryan: As years go by and you grow old Remember when your love took hold
When times are dark never forget The love you give's the love you'll get
Whitney And so,
Enough with words. Make glasses clink. We're almost done. We soon will drink.
So pour some wine and raise your glass
Both: 'Cause here's a toast to Dan and Cass
To Dan and Cassie, everybody.