Women In Music, Please Change The Record

Uploaded by 6oodfella on 03.02.2011

.....it turned out to be a sheep, so I swore never to wear a blindfold again.
Hi, I am Hugh Jass, and I am joined by award-winning feminist author, Mary Hinge, who
wants to talk about women in music, after she plugs something of course. Hello, Mary, and
Hello, Hugh, and thank you.
What bullshit are you flogging today?
I am producing yet another movie, this time it's about a woman who is happily married, but because
she is so self-centred and braindead, she doesn't realise this, so she divorces her loving husband,
and goes to hotter climates to find herself.
Find herself?
Yes, it's a polite way of saying she is opening her legs to every man with an accent, and putting
herself at serious risk of catching various sexually transmitted diseases, while at the same
time making foreign men think western women are whores. Gullible women won't see her for the slag
she is, they'll just say she is empowered by behaving like a clapped-out old trollop.
What is the movie called?
It's called, "Eat, Pray, Suck Foreign Cock".
It sounds riveting. Moving on, you want to talk about women in music, please give us some more
Sure. There are two kinds of women in music, those that sing out their mouth, and those that sing out
the hole in their ass. I would like to focus on those that sing out their rectum.
Great stuff. Before you point out those that produce nothing more than horseshit, would you
mention some of the women who sing out their mouthes?
Certainly. Dolly, Whitney, Mariah, Ross, Christina, Kylie, Madonna, Tunstall, and even
Girls Aloud, are examples of women who have the ability to sing out the correct orifice.
I've had them all. Tell us about the ones whose songs amount to nothing more than anal gas.
Sure. They infest all genres of music, so it's hard to know where to start. They sing lyrics that
either have a go at men, portray themselves as victims, or boast about how wonderful they are.
Mention this in earshot of an imbecile, and you will be met with the pathetic argument about how
men in rap music use bad language and put women down all the time.
I listen to rap music all the time, and I have never heard bad language, or derogatory lyrics
about women.
Really? Who is your favourite rapper?
Will Smith.
Enough said. Anyway, the reason this is such a pathetic argument, is because all rap music that
has offensive lyrics has a clear warning on the cover, leaving everyone in no doubt that it may
cause them offence. Also, rap is just one genre of music, whereas the women whose vocal chords are in
their ass are in almost every genre. Another point, is that women in rap give as good as they
get, they too can be brutally offensive about men, so it's a fair and even game.
Why not start with the best genre there is? I am talking about country of course.
Sure, I love country. Here's a quick joke for you, what happens when you play a country song
I don't know.
The man gets his house, his wife, his truck, and his dog back. Moving on, I think if we are going
to speak about country, then we have to mention the biggest bitches in country.
That's no way to talk about women.
I am not talking about women, I am talking about men, to be more specific, a band called Lonestar.
What makes them the biggest bitches in country?
One of their songs called, "Mr Mom", this has got to be the most cringe-worthy song ever. It's
Lonestar's sad attempt to get women to buy their records by licking their ass, more specifically,
the asses of mothers.
In what way?
In this song, they try to claim being at home with the kids is difficult, so difficult in fact, that
Lonestar say they don't know how mothers do it. The thing is, they only succeed in belittling
mothers, insulting men, and showing the world how utterly braindead they are.
How so?
They belittle mothers by insinuating that their job is nothing more than cleaning and cooking.
They insult men by insinuating that men cannot do the job of a stay-at-home parent. And they do a
mighty fine job of showing everyone that if dead brain cells were people, they would be China. You
see, they claim to put Pampers in the tumble dryer, I mean, just how many failed lobotomies
does a person have to have, to put Pampers in a tumble dryer?
Quite a few I would guess.
Me too. Their madness doesn't stop there, listen to this steaming pile of manure. They claim that
they get bubblegum stuck in the baby's hair, but hang on, what in the name of Christ are they doing
giving a baby bubblegum? They also claim to forget where things are supposed to go, and that
they burn everything they attempt to cook. To sum up, Lonestar claim that being at home with the
kids is difficult, because they are utterly useless at it. Being useless at something doesn't
make it difficult, it makes you a doughball. It's like a window cleaner putting his head through
every window, instead of cleaning them, and then claiming window cleaning is a difficult job.
True that. We've established that Lonestar's intelligence is a public health hazard, but what
about the women in country, are they any better?
Better than Lonestar obviously, but that's hardly a compliment. Country has it's fair share of great
female singers, like Dolly and Faith, but there is a strand of horseshit running through it, like
Carrie Underwood for example.
I had a stalker by that name, she carved her name into my car seats, she was a real crazy bint.
There's a good chance it's the same woman, as she sings an upbeat dance song about that very thing.
In her song called, "Before He Cheats", she smashes up her boyfriend's truck, shoots out his
headlights, and carves her name into his seats.
I am sure he must have had it coming, what did he do to deserve it?
He was dancing, flirting, and buying drinks for a woman, and also teaching her how to shoot pool.
What a ratbag.
Well, not really.
How so?
Because all through the song she says the word, "Probably". So he's probably cheating, and
flirting, etc. She doesn't even know for certain, but that doesn't stop the perfectly sane Carrie
from trashing his truck, and behaving like someone in need of a straight jacket and a padded cell.
What a nut job. Any more examples?
Of course. You can't talk about horseshit in country without mentioning Reba McEntire.
Who is she?
She is the woman who saved millions for all the hospitals in America, by releasing decades worth
of mind-numbingly boring music, that means there is no need for surgeons to use anesthetic any
more, they just stick on one of her CD's. All her songs consist of men not treating her right, or to
be more precise, men she attracts, and is only able to attract, not treating her right. She was
also in prison for a while.
Prison? What did Reba do to end up in prison?
Well okay, not technically prison, but let me quote some lyrics from her God-awful song, "Ring
On Her Finger". "He's the one who left me too many times alone,
in a 3-bedroom prison I tried to make a home, my love slowly died, but the fire inside still
burned, and the arms of a stranger, was the only place
left to turn". So according to Reba, when she was living in a 3-bedroom ranch, it was just like a
prison, and of course, the only way to escape her 3-bedroomed prison, was to bounce on another man's
How vile. Any more examples of women mouthing off in country?
Yes. Terri Clark is yet another example of a woman who should have listened to her mother, when she
told her, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything, you see, she has a song
called, "Girls Lie Too". Not only is the title a blanket insult to all men, it's also proof that
Terri has never heard of terms like, "Paternity fraud", or "False rape allegation".
How does it insult men?
Because by using the word "Too", she insinuates that men are liars by default, but she doesn't
stop there, she even goes as far as to blame the fact that women lie on men, listen to these
lyrics. "Don't think you're the only ones who bend it, break it, stretch it some, we learn from you,
girls lie too". So women who lie, are only doing so because they learned the skill from men. Sexism
at it's finest.
It sure is. Any more examples?
Certainly, how about the Dixie Chicks?
Who are they?
They are the band that started out bluegrass, but now only throw in the odd bit of fiddle, just
enough so as to still claim they have bluegrass roots, but not too much so they can still get
people to buy their music.
How else would I know them?
When they were playing a concert in Britain, one of them tried to get more people to like them by
spouting some shit about being against the war in Iraq, and how she was ashamed that president Bush
came from the same state as her. How laughable that she thinks Bush embarrasses Texas any more
than the Dixie Chicks do.
Laughable indeed. Why do you want to talk about them?
Mainly because of a song called, "Earl's Gotta Die". It would appear that a big bad wolf named
Earl has pissed them off, perhaps he huffed and puffed and tried to blow all their houses down.
Anyway, this song is about the premeditated murder of a man who is accused of domestic violence, and
as we know, that doesn't mean he is guilty, but the Dixie Chicks don't know that, so instead of
going with the old, "Innocent until proven guilty", they instead go with, "Guilty, and now
must die".
Cretins. I assume this is a slow sad song, since it's about the death of a man?
Christ, no. It's an upbeat dance song, and is proudly sang aloud by mostly overweight, single
women. What better song to dance to than one about poisoning a man to death, then rolling his body up
in a waterproof cover?
What is, the song, or the Dixie Chicks?
It's safe to say both.
True that.
Let's move on from country, as I am now in the mood for some line-dancing. What other women in
music are full of shit?
How about Beyonce?
How would I know her?
She used to be in a vomit-inducing band called "Destiny's Child", where one minute they were
singing about being independent, then the next minute they were singing about dumping men for not
paying their bills. She is also going out with a rapper called "Lay Z".
I think it's "Jay Z".
Oh right, sorry. Anyway, she has a song called "Single Ladies", which is full of great advice for
women who have just came out of a relationship, or as it's also known, been dumped.
What is her well thought out advice for women who are now single, after having been dumped?
Her advice is to go to a club where your ex is, then heavily flirt with another man in front of
him, which according to Beyonce, will have him wishing he had never dumped your fat ass, as
obviously in Beyonce's experience, men want a trampy slut as a partner. Then she shows that she
should stop singing and be a professional agony aunt, by advising them to gloat to there ex's
face, "If you liked it, you should have put a ring on it".
What does that mean?
It means that if he had married her when he had the chance, she wouldn't have to go to a club and
act like a 10-Bob prostitute, leaving him living with regret, having missed out on the chance of
spending his life with a cheap hooker.
That's great advice, I'll be sure to pass it on to my daughter. I am sure you have more examples of
women in music who are a laughing stock, let's hear one.
Sure. One that is sure to have you gagging with dry vomit, is Fergie. My God, she is horrendous.
How so?
If you are ever looking for a role model for your daughter, then look no further than Fergie.
What behaviour would she encourage in our daughters?
She has a song called "My Humps", which she sang with a group called, the Black Eyed Peas. In this
song she refers to her tits and ass as humps, or lumps. She then goes on to explain that because of
her tits and ass, men will spend money on her, just for having nice tits and ass. If that isn't a
positive message for young girls, I don't know what is.
It beats the advice I gave my daughter, about getting a decent education and making her own
money. I should have taught her to wear hardly any clothes, and just hope that men throw money at
her. Is it possible for Fergie to produce any more ass gravy?
Of course it is. She has a song called "Glamorous", in which she gloats about how
wonderful she is, and how she went from rags to riches.
That sounds inspirational, it may encourage young girls who currently live in rags, to aspire to
live in riches.
Well, not really, considering the first line of this inspirational song is, "If you ain't got no
money, take your broke self home". Not only is she making it obvious she is certified braindead by
using a double negative, but she also tells people who don't have money they are not welcome, albeit
with bad grammar. So now that she's made it to riches, she turns her nose up at those in rags.
How arrogant. Surely you can't have any more examples?
I sure can. This one is British and is not likely to be known outside of Britain, as she is utter
mince, she is called Alexandra Burke.
How would I know her?
She won a show called "X Factor", which is a very poor clone of American Idol. It was a public vote,
which means she must have had the best sob story. She is basically just another mundane, less than
average R&B singer off the conveyer belt.
I'm bored already.
So is Britain. She is actually a very interesting person. Sorry, did I say "Very interesting"? I
meant overwhelmingly tedious. Anyway, she has a song called "Broken Heels", and I am surprised she
has not been given into trouble for it.
Why is that?
Well, in the song she claims that Christians can do anything better than homosexuals, Jews, or
Muslims, and not only that, they can do it better even if they had a handicap.
That is disgraceful, I am surprised that is even allowed in the charts.
Me too. Oh wait, hang on, I made a mistake. She doesn't say "Christians", she says "Women", and
she doesn't say "Homosexuals, Jews, or Muslims", she says "Men", sorry, my bad.
That's okay, we all make mistakes. Any more examples?
Not of a song, but of a woeful double standard in music regarding a woman called Amy Winehouse.
What double standard is that?
In 2007, Amy Winehouse boasted to the press that when she is drunk, she uses her boyfriend as a
punchbag. This did not get a lot of media coverage, and when it did, it was reported as a
funny story, or a humourous anecdote about her.
That's terrible.
It gets worse. Fast forward just 9 months, and she is picking up 5 Grammy awards. Now let's make a
comparison and use Sting as our example. Imagine Sting proudly boasted to the press that he
regularly beats his wife up whenever he gets drunk. Now what are the chances of him getting
Grammy awards within a 9 month period of admitting he uses his wife as a punchbag?
About as likely as finding a black bad guy in a Spike Lee movie.
Exactly, in fact, what are the chances of him ever getting even a nomination in any award ceremony
for the rest of his career?
About as likely as finding someone who watches porn for the story.
We have to leave it there for now, so I can go and listen to my favorite band, The Spice Girls.
I always found something ironic about The Spice Girls, who were created by a man, owned by a man,
and managed by a man, singing about girl power. Eddie Murphy must have been disappointed when he
gave Mel B a lift, and she turned out to be a woman in women's clothes.
I hear that. Well, Mary, it's been very interesting, thank you for discussing women in
Any time, Hugh.
Before we go, I have a joke for you, Mary.
Great stuff, let's hear it.
How many Dixie Chicks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know
None, they can cook in the dark. Until next time, goodbye