How to be a Man: All Around Losing (Episode 3)

Uploaded by vice on 08.01.2013


HARRY: I'm Harry.
This is "All Around Losing." And today I'm
learning how to fight.
When this started, it was a lot of fun.
I got to wear the cool mask and the dick guard and
practice punching the air.
But by the time I was getting choked out,
I came to an epiphany--
fighting is hard and passing out is easy.
But if being manly was painless,
everyone would be a man.
My name is Harry.
And I've been a loser for most of my life.
I thought I was done with my awkward phase when "Vice"
hired me to write about politics, culture, and other
important world affairs, which should make me cool.
But it doesn't.
I'm still just a weird kid who creeps people out.
This is "All Around Losing" with Harry Cheadle.
HARRY: This is Daniel.
He was in the Israeli army for 10 years.
And he lives and breathes Krav Maga.
And this is me.
I'm not very manly or tough.
And I mainly deal with conflict
through nervous laughter.
But I wanted to change all of that.
And because Daniel is such a walking testosterone machine,
I thought I could learn some martial arts from him and
hoped his massive manliness rubbed off on me.
DANIEL: I was in charge of the counter-terrorism
division in my unit.
You work under pressure constantly, so a lot about
HARRY: I want to learn how to defend myself against being
choked out, which isn't really a problem right
now, but who knows?
Sounds very intense.
Hopefully nothing bad happens.
And I don't get hurt too much.
But I usually do.
So let's see how this goes.
DANIEL: Three, two, one, go.
HARRY: First, we did some cardio warm ups, which just
helped remind me how out of shape I was.
Most of my classmates were tough guys who looked like
they hung out in saunas and boxing gyms all the time and
had balls the size of beets.
Even the one woman there was more manly than I was.
Whew, that's hard work, man.
DANIEL: How do you feel?
HARRY: Tired.
DANIEL: Tired?
Don't even start.
HARRY: I know it's still early.
Just try not to fall down, that's what I'm trying to do.
Then, all of a sudden, it was time for the
punching and kicking.
Punching and kicking, in case you've never experienced it,
is no fun and it hurts a lot.
But we kept doing it anyway.
I feel there's a lot of stuff to remember just punching.
All gets out of my head.
HARRY: They played techno music while they pummeled me.
So it was like being in a club, only instead of dancing,
I was getting beat up.
So actually, it was a little less
humiliating than the club.
HARRY: Yeah.
DANIEL: You look pale.
HARRY: I'm a little fluid dehydrated, I think.
Dry mouth.
DANIEL: You lost some color.

HARRY: By the time the class ended, I was ready to stop
with the running and the kicking.
But I felt even less prepared for a fight
than I was going in.
So I asked Daniel for some pointers, both in
fighting and in life.
If they're in a situation, what's the one thing you
should remember?
DANIEL: Run fast.
HARRY: Run fast?
HARRY: I felt like I understood Krav Maga and
Daniel's manliness, at least a little.
But it takes more than one day to become a man.
It takes two days.
HARRY: Krav Maga is really manly.
But it's also a lot of work.
But you know what's not a lot of work?
Firing a gun.
And also firing a gun is manly because guns are basically
just giant, metal penises that ejaculate death.
I'm here at Cortlandt Manor, New York.
And I'm going to learn how to fire a shotgun from a guy
named Joe Izrael, who is, coincidentally, from Israel.
HARRY: Joe was a big, quiet, bearded dude who probably
owned more guns than I do shirts.
So I was a little nervous at first and couldn't talk good.
I tried to compliment his weapons.
But I didn't know what to say.
Nice paint job on that one.
JOE: Excuse me?
HARRY: Nice paint job on that--

JOE: So what we'll do today here is NRA basic shotgun
shooting course.
So we're going to learn how to shoot a shotgun.
And there will be a written exam.
You don't have to be afraid.
HARRY: It turns out shotguns are very, very complicated,
like cars or women.
Joe demonstrated how to hold a gun and told
me stuff about it.
But all I could think about was how cool it
would be to fire it.
At the end of the class, I had to take a test with Joe
standing over me like a heavily armed exam monitor.
But this was the easy part since I'm good at tests,
unlike fighting, shooting, or anything else that would help
me survive in the wild.
JOE: This is yours.

HARRY: Certified.
HARRY: We ventured out onto the range, where we watched a
bunch of guys fire pistols at stuff.
We put on these ridiculous headphones to cancel out the
incredibly loud noises of the guns going off.
And although it was definitely masculine, I had no idea what
I was doing out there.
It didn't seem like Joe had any idea either.
He kept looking at me like I was some kind of weird bird.
JOE: This is what you're shooting at.
HARRY: It looks very small.
JOE: It is.
So grab the gun.
OK, and let's go on station number three.
HARRY: All right.
JOE: You can now close the gun.
HARRY: And this would need to be--
JOE: No, no, no, no.
We're not shooting it.
JOE: Just mount the gun, properly as we've learned.
HARRY: Like--

JOE: You feel comfortable?
JOE: Don't lie to me.
HARRY: No, no, not really.
If it's not comfortable, it's not right.
Relax a little.
HARRY: OK, relax.
JOE: You're very tense.
HARRY: I know.
I haven't fired a gun before, so I'm tense.
JOE: So many people use this gun, you couldn't imagine--
JOE: --old retired grandmas, teenagers, little girls, my
seven-year-old daughter.
HARRY: Pull.

Oh, I forgot to cock it.
JOE: Good.
HARRY: Pull.
JOE: Good, good.
HARRY: This is more fun than I thought it would be.
I'm going to get carpal tunnel from this.
No one's going to believe it's from handling a shotgun.
Everyone's going to think it's from jacking off.
JOE: Harry.
JOE: Come stand.
How does this feel?
HARRY: This--
JOE: Huh?
HARRY: Is this a little lighter than the last one?
JOE: No.
If anything, it's heavier.
It's better suited for you.
But I have a lot of youngster and old, retired people who
pretty much are more comfortable with the gun.
HARRY: Pull.
JOE: Blew it off your head?
HARRY: Yeah.
HARRY: It's very fast.
JOE: You're way too tense.
You having fun?
You came here to have fun.
HARRY: Is it normal for--
JOE: Huh?
HARRY: Is it normal for first timers?
JOE: I'm not saying it happens to everybody.
There are some people who just come and pick it up, and some
people need more time.
HARRY: Oops.
JOE: Oops.
HARRY: So shooting a gun is really fun and awesome.
I also learned that shooting small pink things going really
fast is incredibly difficult.
If a small pink thing attacks me at high speed,
I'm probably fucked.
But if a person attacks me, I think I'm going to be a little
more confident because I've got my Krav Maga skills--
that was a punch.
Actually, now that I think about it, if someone attacks
me, I'm probably just going to run away or get beat up.
JOE: Turn that way.
HARRY: Turn this way?
I don't know how to turn properly without pointing it
JOE: Look, just pick it up.
Now you can turn.
Like this?
JOE: No, you can--
HARRY: What?
Oh, like this?