[Karl:] Waah- oof!
Woo! Extreme!
You just don't get more extreme than Karl.
I got adrenaline in my heart,
Energy drinks in my veins,
and concussions in my...
head... thinkin'... sponge.
Thing.
Anyway,
those run-of-the-mill extreme sports just don't do it for me anymore.
So here's
Sick of those long lines for skydiving?
Has your flyin' suit lost its thrill?
And what about those pesky atmosphere burns from moon jumpin'?
Well, welcome to the world of freestyle tigerdiving!
Simply find a tiger and teach it to fly a plane.
Once you hit 10,000 feet,
give that tiger a gun and throw yourself out the door.
Now you're plummeting to earth with a pissed-off heavily armed tiger
Who just lost his deposit on the plane rental chasin' after you!
If he doesn't shoot you to death first,
he'll just tear your parachute to shreds
and you splat on the ground like an extreme water balloon filled with organs!
Oh, and don't worry about the tiger.
He'll just inflate his tail sac and float safely to the ground.
The latest extreme craze is called parkour.
It's where you run around and do all kinds of crazy flips and jumps,
and snap your ankle bones into a million pieces.
Anyway, doin' a sideways backflip between two skyscrapers is cool, I guess,
if you're into pussy stuff.
But I think it's time to step it up with Highway Parkour!
You wanna start off by running 75 miles an hour on the highway.
Then do a backflip off a tractor trailer,
spring off of one of those tiny novelty cars,
spin inside a cement mixer a couple times,
jump out, and stick the landing on a hot, stinkin' deer carcass!
Sure, you caused a forty-car pileup,
but just look how extreme you are.
Extreme sports are the ultimate aphrodisiac.
It's like you're a plate of oysters on a skateboard.
And once you land that quintuple 360,
you're ready to work the half-pipe, if you know what I mean.
Heh heh heh.
Well I think it's finally time to combine extreme sports and sex
with a little somethin' I call
You can do the strap 'n flap,
the jump 'n pump,
the fling 'n swing,
and the boner jam.
Now that last one doesn't get a cool rhyming name
because you're just doing it on a pile of old bungee cords,
but it still counts.
Now, why are you just sittin' there, watchin' this video?
Get out there and get extreme!
As for me, I'm gonna go take an extreme nap
and then go see an extreme doctor
'cuz I got some extreme internal bleeding.
So until next time, I'll leave you with
There's no use in cryin' over spilled milk.
Unless you can actually cry milk,
but, you should probably go see a doctor about that, 'cuz...
that sounds messed up.
Tweet your questions at ASKKFK,
and I'll answer the hell out of it.
Or just ignore it.
I've got a million billion stories, but now it's your turn.
I'll start it off.
Box of chocolates,
all shaped like my ding-dong.
Leave your story in the comments below!
