Episode 84 - Alexander Graham Bull | Tights and Fights: Ashes, a Super Hero Comedy Web Series


Uploaded by TightsandFights on 07.04.2011

Transcript:
[message notification beep]
Doctor, thank you for seeing us on such short notice.
We-- Doctor.
We really appreciate it a lot. I appreciate it more.
I appreciate it equally. We do everything equally.
Well... No. Probably not. I do-- Anyway!
Doctor, thank you. And you know that from our email correspondence -- I have
my own email -- you know that he's been time traveling, and we've been trying to
work on our relationship struggles, but it's come to a point where the space-time
continuum shit--
Whoa!
-- is really starting to affect my life.
Oh. Your life. Your life.
Yes.
It's getting in the way of YOUR life.
Yes. Right in the way.
Can you even conceive of what's happening to me? I'm being thrust,
against my will, through time and space.
I've borne witness to my own death. Three different times! Three different
realities!
Can you even envision what that must be like?!
I don't want to! Because, OK.
Apparently I'm not allowed to eat crackers now because of that.
Of course. Of course not. Wanna know why?
Crackers feature prominently in two of my three deaths. That I've experienced. Two
of three alone.
But one of them was drowning. So how can... you DROWN in crackers.
Yeah. Yeah. Do you want me to go into details about that?
No, I really don't.
It was the driest death I've ever seen.
It's... it just keeps going like this. Do you want to come to our house doctor? This
is what you're gonna hear.
Don't eat crackers.
His space-time crap, his time-traveling, is so conveniently scheduled.
[message notification beep]
Be specific. YES! I will!
OK. Um, we were having a serious conversation about our relationship--
Which was going great--
How he can change, et cetera, and then, POOF! Time travel! He's gone!
Just like that.
Just like that.
Or we'll be doing some housework. I finally convinced him to start cleaning and
picking up after himself. And then, BLAM! He's gone.
BLAM! Blam he's gone.
Yes. Time travel! He calls it "T T," as if I'm going to know what that is.
traveling!
And he took the vacuum with him that day.
I was vacuuming at the time. I was literally vacuuming when it happened.
No.
You weren't vacuuming. He was putting the vacuum on my clothes and trying to
suck it off.
It was dirty.
Hah. no.
Get it? I mean, it's still vacuuming. It still counts.
No, he's trying to be like, I was a dirty girl, and... he tries that a lot. I'm not into that
kinda thing.
Not on the weekdays, anyway.
I know.
It worked, doctor. It worked.
Don't.
Everything.
Anyways! He came home the other night! It was 4 AM, and he reeked of beer, and I
had no idea where he came from, where he'd been, but he also had these Friends
VHS tapes in his hand. He was clutching them, as hard as he could...
OK. OK. Let me stop you there.
First off, Friends VHS tapes. That's obvious. Everyone enjoys Friends. It's
called Friends! It's about a group of friends, three guys, three girls, what more
could you want?
Wait, what's it about?
It's called Friends. It's called Friends, it's about friends. You know this. I'm not
going over it again.
Friends.
About the beer. I would like to take care of that right now as well.
I was thrust back to the 17th century.
Hahaha, this is not happening.
London England. Ye olde times.
Yeah.
I appeared in the midst of a bustling, quaint little pub. It was called Ye Olde Pub.
And, while waiting there, I figured... might as well have a few beverages, blend in,
until I could be thrust back into time to here, to you, to now, to us.
If that's the case,
Which it is.
then, uh, why did I find a phone number in your pocket?
What phone number? I don't know what you're talking about.
Fine. Your underwear flap. He calls it a pocket.
OK. I still don't know what you're talking about.
IF you found something there, #1, stop snooping. This house isn't built on
anything else but trust.
Dogs snoop. Not cats.
Without trust, we have nothing.
But if you found something, I don't know, I guess a serving wench must have
slipped it in there when I wasn't looking.
Did you just call a woman a wench?!
No! A 17th century woman! They are wenches. They are wenches. They love it.
Oh, right. Because you read books. You would know that.
No. Because I travel through time. That's why I know that.
OK. So you're saying, I'm gonna give you an out here.
Uh huh! I don't need a... OK.
A wench from the 17th century
Yes.
gave you a phone number.
Yes. You don't have to talk so slow.
A telephone number.
YES! A telephone number.
You idiot! Phones were not invented in the 17th century.
[sigh]
Uh, but... yeah but I invented them.
I invented them.
You invented phones.
Yes.
You invented phones!
Of course! I know how a phone works. I use a phone every day! So I invented one!
In the 17th century. So they existed. Done.
OK. So who is Alexander Graham Bell? I thought he invented phones. So when he
came along later, what happened? No phones?
No. He invented Laser Discs. I set forward technology.
Oh so you did...?
I started phones two hundred years earlier.
You gave Laser Discs to him.
I gave Laser Discs to the WORLD. I invented phones. 17th century. I invented
phones.
This is ridiculous. You are being a douche fart.
Wow. Did you get that, doctor?
Yeah, I said that. Made it up. Made it up. Boom.
That is... Probably gonna go to jail for that. Look. You can call me, me the man,
Major Bill Faultline the man, you can call me whatever you want. But have a little
respect at least. For the uniform.
Fine. Let me rephrase it. You are a Major Douche Fart.
Thank you. Thank you for that. That was very mature.
And I have a small brain. Right.
Doctor, do you wanna weigh in on this? It's getting a bit out of hand.
Yeah, you've been a bit quiet.
Yeah, you've been... I don't... hear anything.
What are your thoughts on this? We just shared.
Blank.