LABOR DAYS - EPISODE 1 - Pilot


Uploaded by labordaystv on 12.04.2012

Transcript:
[MUSIC]
RANDOM GUY: Oye! Necesito a mover mueble. Vamo! Vente peso. Dale!
JOHN: Uh, sorry, sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
RANDOM GUY: Really? You're not Mexican?
JOHN: No! I'm Asian!
RANDOM GUY: What are you doing in a Home Depot parking lot?
JOHN: I came to buy stuff! I'm going shopping!
RANDOM GUY: Relax, man. You look Mexican. I didn't know you were just a fat Asian!
[MUSIC]
JOHN: Excuse me, Jamal?
Uh, I want to talk to you about some of the numbers here on the Botshekan account?
JAMAL: Botshekan account? What's the Botshekan account?
JOHN: It's a business trip you took with a David Botshekan to Brazil.
JAMAL: Oh, yeah, man. That was the best trip. Awesome. Twelve dollar hookers. Twenty-three dollar Viagra.
JOHN: Okay. Uh, you can't report Viagra as a business expense.
JAMAL: Why not?
JOHN: It was an illegal prescription. You can't do that.
JAMAL: How long have you been doing this, Tom?
JOHN: It's John... and I've been an accountant now, for four, four years.
JAMAL: You know my family motto, Tom?
JOHN: No. John. No.
JAMAL: Look at kitty. What does it say? She's hanging in there.
JAMAL: How did she get there? I don't know. How did she get to the rope? We don't know. But what is she doing?
JOHN: Hanging in there?
JAMAL: That's all I need you to do. Hang in there.
JOHN: I have no idea what that has to do with writing off hookers and pills?
JAMAL: Why you say "hookers and pills"? It's a twelve-dollar job. I paid her for a job. She gave me a job. We were all working.
JAMAL: Do you want this job? JOHN: Yeah!
JAMAL: So, what do you need to do if you want to keep this job?
JOHN: Hang in there?
JAMAL: And?
JOHN: Write off twelve dollar prostitutes?
JAMAL: That's all you need to do!
JOHN: Okay...
JAMAL: Just hang in there, man.
JOHN: You know, Jamal? I'm sorry... I don't think I can do it. Because it's illegal and if I write this off, I can get in a lot of trouble with the government.
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
JOHN: Sarah? Are you home? Babe, are you home?
JOHN: Oh $#@%!
GENE: Oh $#@%!
JOHN: What the hell are you doing here?
GENE: Tranquilo, papi! Hey, Sarah,the Mexican dude is here to do the lawn!
JOHN: How'd you get in here?
GENE: How did YOU get in here?
JOHN: I live here!
GENE: What? You live here?
JOHN: Yeah!
GENE: I didn't know Sarah got down with the Mexicans.
JOHN: Wait a second... are you sleeping with my fiancee'?
GENE: Hey Sarah, your boyfriend's here.
SARAH: John, you know Gene, the guy upstairs.
JOHN: You're sleeping with the guy upstairs? The guy who plays his crappy music through the floors?
SARAH: I went upstairs to talk to him about the music.
JOHN: Yeah, and?
SARAH: Look at his smile.
GENE: No one can resist the smile.
JOHN: Was his dick smiling, too?
SARAH: John, I'm moving out.
GENE: I'm gonna leave you a CD.
GENE: Slow jams.
[BLUES MUSIC]
[BLUES MUSIC] [SOUNDS OF SEX FROM UPSTAIRS]
[PHONE RINGS]
MAN'S VOICE: Yeah, this is Jack's towing. I am taking your car, amigo. Get a job. Pay your bills. Say adios to your car, muchacho.
[LATIN MUSIC]
FORREST: No. No. Muy no. You. Yes, you.
FORREST: You! Let's go! Get in! That's right, big job! Yee-haw! Get in there, andale!
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
KIRK: Welcome! I'm Kirk!
FORREST: No exito, mofos! You, burrito supreme. Out of the truck.
JOHN: No hablo ingles?
FORREST: I know you're not Mexican. C'mon, wonton, out of the truck. Rapido.
JOHN: How'd you know I'm not Mexican?
FORREST: I dated this Korean chick back in college. She had a gland problem. Looked just like you. Except smaller breasts.
JOHN: Look man, I'm sorry, but I really need the money.
FORREST: I don't care. As long as you're not white, you can work for me. White people are lazy.
FORREST: The darker the better usually. But Chinese will do. Let's go.
JOHN: I'm Vietnamese.
FORREST: You guys built that railroad and that big wall.
JOHN: That was the Chinese. I'm Vietnamese.
FORREST: Look, you're telling me there's never been a wall built in Vietnam?
FORREST: Alright, what's your name?
JOHN: John.
FORREST: Alright, John. Juan. Ching chong chalupa. Whatever you want. We've got to go to work. Let's go. Rapido.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[SEXY MUSIC]
LISA: Are you my contractor?
FORREST: Yeah, I'm Forrest. Are you Lisa?
LISA: Oh, I'm Lisa, alright. So, how's this work?
FORREST: Well, we'll pretty much build or clean or fix whatever you need.
LISA: Is this legal?
FORREST: As a licensed contractor, I'm only authorized to use "documented" employees in any services we may provide to you.
LISA: Any services I need? Like taking off that shirt?
FORREST: Let's just stick to the work.
LISA: Alright. Enter my den.
LISA: Can you clean out my gutter?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
LISA: Watch out for the construction. Lots of wood. Lot of beams. Lots of rods.
LISA: That's Grandpa. You're going to be cleaning out his room. It's a little sensitive, but he's going to the old folks' home.
GRANDPA: I hear you. My dick may be limp, but my ears are sharp. Damn shrapnel. Got me right in the old sperm sac.
LISA: Alright, here it is. Grandpa is a little bit of a hoarder.
FORREST: Well, here's a resume builder for you... Juan. You're welcome
KIRK: Hey Silencio. Check it out, man. Check out my caulk... gun.
KIRK: Touch it. Go ahead, man. You can touch it. Touch it.
JOHN: Hey, sorry, guys.
KIRK: Hey, what's your name again?
JOHN: John. I saw the room where we need to go.
JOHN: John.
KIRK: That's Silencio. He doesn't talk to anyone.
KIRK: Hey, Silencio...
KIRK: You want to polish my knob. Go ahead, man. Touch it.
JOHN: Excuse me.
JOHN: No, I got it. I got it!
KIRK: Let him take it. He loves to lift the heavy stuff. He never complains.
JOHN: He doesn't talk. How do you know he likes it?
KIRK: Do you love to lift the heavy stuff?
KIRK: See. He likes it.
KIRK: Ooh! Look at that!
KIRK: He must be very religious.
FORREST: I told you a million times, you put baking soda on a grease fire. Are you still drunk? Do not call the fire department.
FORREST: Go next door. Not to Ms. Jenkins. The other guy. I don't know. I think he's Indian.
KIRK: Cool!
JOHN: Whoa! Where'd you guys find that?
KIRK: In this box.
KIRK: Cool.
LISA: Hey amigo! Where's your boss? He's a real dreamsicle, isn't he?
LISA: What you got in there?
LISA: Oh, that's Grandpa's... I thought we got rid of that... I can't let anyone see this Nazi $#@%!
GRANDPA: Sieg heil!
KIRK: Hey Silencio? You want to polish my helmet. Go ahead.
JOHN: C'mon, guys. I think we need to keep working instead of --
KIRK: Give it here! Give it here!
[THUMP!]
JOHN: Instead of goofing off...
JOHN: Hey! Hey!
FORREST: Please tell me that's cocaine.
JOHN: I think we have a real problem.
FORREST: Not asbestos, guys.
FORREST: No, but I am sure we need to finish this job today.
KIRK: Are you sure?
FORREST: Uh, no. But I am sure we need to finish this job today.
JOHN: I don't know if this is safe.
FORREST: It's fine. Watch.
FORREST: See? Perfectly fine.
FORREST: Look, I don't have those fancy suits. They got burned up in the fire.
JOHN: What fire?
FORREST: The fire that killed my last crew. That's not important.
FORREST: The fire that killed my last crew. That's not important.
FORREST: What's important is that we need to finish this job today. So...
FORREST: Right here. See. Hoods and robes. Put these on.
JOHN: I don't think those are the right hoods and robes.
FORREST: Listen up, wonton of no fun. We need to finish this job today. Getting paid lots of money. So put on the hoods and robes or you don't get paid.
FORREST: Let's go! Andale!
KIRK: Man, I don't know about this. This is asbestos!
LISA: Nice stroke there, sharpshooter. Been looking for you all day.
LISA: The money's, uh, by my bed.
LISA: Come with me. Leave the club, bring your balls.
KIRK: This guy must really love Halloween.
KIRK: Trick or treat!
KIRK: Oh... I thought he just liked Halloween?
JOHN: No, I think this old man's a Nazi.
GRANDPA: Nazis?!
GRANDPA: Sieg Heil!
GRANDPA: My Aryan brothers! Power to my White brothers!
GRANDPA: My body is weak, but my mind is strong! Sieg Heil!
GRANDPA: Is that you Grand Dragon Schulz? Corporal Gruber?
GRANDPA: Reveal your pure white faces to me.
JOHN & KIRK: Noooooo!
GRANDPA: Show me who you are. Reveal your pure white faces to me. NOW!
GRANDPA: Show me who you are. Reveal your pure white faces to me. NOW!
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
GRANDPA: Oh, F@#%! Brown bloods! You're nothing but a pack of Brownies!
KIRK: Brownies are little girls!
KIRK: We're Blackies!
KIRK: Are you okay, sir?
GRANDPA: My heart! Mein Furher!
GRANDPA: Give me eternal salvation! Sieg Heil!
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
LISA: Grandpa?!
FORREST: No refunds.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
FORREST: Wonton! Be here tomorrow at eight.
JOHN: Okay.
FORREST: See you tomorrow, Wonton!