Coogan Auto Ep. 1 of 6: The Company Commercial


Uploaded by LOUD on 14.01.2013

Transcript:

DEL: Morning, Coogan Auto employees.
As you can see me and Jerry just arrived back from Vegas,
where we gambled, partied, drank, and whored ourselves
out for 72 hours straight.
[APPLAUSE]
JERRY COOGAN: It hurts when my dick touches my underwear.
That's for real.
I was 100 grand down, and as you all know, I don't have 100
great to be down, right?
And Del here tells me--
Del here tells me, I should quit and go home.
EVERYONE: No, come on.
DEL: No, no, no no, no.
JERRY COOGAN: Long story short, I
didn't quit, all right.
Here's what I did instead.
I bet every fucking thing I own on black.
DEL: Ironically
JERRY COOGAN: And we won.
[CHEERING]
VIP: Yes, mother fucker!
JERRY COOGAN: I'm up 300 grand, 300 grand.
So I spent 200 on good times for Del and I.
DEL: Tell 'em
JERRY COOGAN: And then I saved $100,000 so that we could make
that commercial we always wanted to make.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Now, here's what I want from you guys.
Here's what I want.
I want your best ideas.
You got until the end of the day to pitch
us your best ideas.
Don't bring me any bullshit, you got it?
DEL: That means you hold your lips as tight as possible,
plug your fucking ears up, and do not allow that stupid
fucking idea to leave your brain.
EVERYONE: Randy!
DEL: Don't fuck up now.
JERRY COOGAN: That was all at you Randy.
DEL: We're hungover.
[THEME MUSIC]
TONY: Picture me inside a hot tub, right.
And there's chicks everywhere, I mean everywhere.
I mean we get some real fucking low rent hookers,
right-- inside the tub, walking around the tub,
hanging off the edge, right.
And then there's me, and I start fucking banging them.
Boom, boom, boom boom.
Everyone fucking, jizz flying all over the place.
It will be the first fucking porn commercial.
You'll be a legend, Jerry.
JERRY COOGAN: I'm not going to lie.
I like it.
DEL: I like that shit too.
JERRY COOGAN: I like it a lot.
DEL: I like that shit a lot too.
TONY: Yeah, I think you could be great.
JERRY COOGAN: Thanks Tony.

RANDY: So we show a very wholesome family driving
along, and all of a sudden--
JERRY COOGAN: Stop.
I'm already bored.
DEL: I'm fucking bored too.
JERRY COOGAN: Go, Randy.
DEL: Just go
JERRY COOGAN: We'll let you know, all right?
DEL: Just go, go, go.
Randy, wait a minute.
I'm sorry.
Before you go, go fuck yourself!

BUDDY: Hey, you a salesman?
RANDY: Oh, yes sir.
Are you interested in this baby?
BUDDY: Yes.
In fact, I think it's safe to get the
paperwork ready right now.
RANDY: Good gravy, sir!
You've no idea how much you've just picked up my day.
BUDDY: Call me Buddy.
RANDY: Buddy, Randy.
VIP: I pull up to Coogan Auto, and I got a real
piece of shit car.
And I got no money, no girl, no job.
I'm like a piece of shit.
OK?
And you come out and you're like, ahaha you're not going
to get a girl with that piece of shit car.
But then, you have like a magic ring,
or a bracelet something.
And you shoot a laser at the car, and all of the sudden,
it's like a fucking Corvette or Ferrari, something sexy.
BUDDY: Before we pull the trigger on this thing, you
think it'd be OK if I took it out for a test drive?
RANDY: Oh yes indeedy, sir.
Got the keys--
BUDDY: Yea, give me the keys.
RANDY: --right here.
BUDDY: Thank you.
Oh, you've got to come with me?
RANDY: That's Coogan policy sir, sorry.
BUDDY: You sure there's no way you wouldn't let me just take
it out for just like, 10 minutes?
RANDY: Of course I trust you sir.
I'd feel weird if my boss found out.
VIP: There is a real hot bitch in the front seat, yeah?
OK?
And I'm like, oh man I can't afford this shit, what the
fuck you do to me?
And you say, the fuck you can motherfucker.
At Coogan Auto, that's how we do.
So I ride off in the sunset with my sweet new ride and a
hottie in the front seat.
BUDDY: Let me tell you what I can do.
Why don't you go get the paperwork ready.
I'm going to take this out for just the quickest sliver of a
drive around the block, and your boss is going to be
sucking your cock with joy by the end of the day.
RANDY: OK.
But just around the block now.
BUDDY: Just me around the block?
RANDY: Be safe.
BUDDY: Here we go.
RANDY: This is great.
BUDDY: Back in a second.
RANDY: OK.
Be safe Buddy.
BUDDY: Bye.
RANDY: Bye.
BUDDY: Bye, [INAUDIBLE].
RANDY: Bye.
Yes, sellin' cars.
VIP: And I do a full frontal, graphic sex scene.
No soft core bullshit, real chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck.
And then all the employee of the Coogan Auto--
we come out, and we look at the camera, and we say, Coogan
Auto, get that ass.

JERRY COOGAN: Alright.
Nope, no.
DEL: I like the bitch that is sexy, and the
magic part got me.
JERRY COOGAN: All right.
Very good, VIP.
We'll let you know.
VIP: Thank you.
All right.
JERRY COOGAN: Del?
Del?

BECKY BECKER: Gentlemen, what is Coogan Auto?
What do people think of when they hear the word Coogan?
Well I'll tell you what I want them to think, and that is
honesty and value.
I think there are very easy solutions for this commercial.
BUDDY: Oooh.
RANDY: Oh praise Jesus, you're back.
BUDDY: Of course I'm back, Randy.
We're friends.
We're vibin'.
RANDY: Thanks Buddy, I really appreciate that.
Where's the Mustang?
BECKY BECKER: If you look at this presentation that I put
together, all we have to do is take a look at--
BUDDY: So I took a cab back here because--
I think you're about to smile my friend--
I think I'm going to buy a second car from you today.
RANDY: Really?
I haven't sold two cars the entire time I've worked here.
BECKY BECKER: You look at our competitors' sales--
JERRY COOGAN: Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky,
why do you work here, again?
BECKY BECKER: Because you promised me health insurance,
but actually I still haven't gotten it yet.
JERRY COOGAN: It's just that, you know, I think you may be
too smart for this place.
DEL: Too fucking smart to be here.
BECKY BECKER: Thank you, I think.
BUDDY: Get in there.
Get your ass on the paperwork train.
I'll take it out for a test drive, and you're going to
have another sale today.
RANDY: I uh, do you think we could finish the paperwork on
the Mustang before we take this much more expensive
vehicle out for a test drive.
BUDDY: Now I know you're not saying you don't trust a man
who's buying two cars from you Randy.
RANDY: No, no, no, of course not.
It's just, my boss is kind weird about stuff like that.
BUDDY: This boss sounds like a real motherfucker.
But I mean, fine.
If he doesn't want you to sell two cars in one day, I'll just
buy the one.
RANDY: No, no, no, no, no.
It's fine, it's totally fine.
I'll just go get you the keys.
BECKY BECKER: So what did you think of my idea?
DEL: It's a fine mix of--
you put a raw egg in there, and some shoe polish.
[INAUDIBLE]
Bring the hangover down a little bit.
BECKY BECKER: Come on, it's a great idea.
It covers everything a good commercial should-- warranty,
location, prices, selection, and staff.
DEL: It didn't make me horny to buy a car, at all.
Not one smidgen.
Did you want to buy a car?
JERRY COOGAN: I wasn't horny.
BECKY BECKER: Horny to buy a car?
Do you guys hear the words as they're
coming out of your mouths?
You are what is wrong with this country, with this world.
JERRY COOGAN: OK, well thanks for coming in Becks.
Good to see you.
Randy, what the hell are you doing?
Holy shit!
RANDY: And here are the keys to car number three.
BUDDY: Gimme, gimme.
JERRY COOGAN: No, no, no.
Hey, hey, no, no, no, no Gimme that, piece of shit.
Get up here.
RANDY: Boss, what are you doing?
This is a customer.
JERRY COOGAN: What do you mean what am I doing?
This guy is a professional car thief.
He drives this car off the lot, you'll
never see it again.
RANDY: No, no, no, you must be mistaken.
He's already been back twice.
He wants to buy three cars from us.
JERRY COOGAN: He's not a customer.
He's a piece of shit!
TONY: Who the fuck is he, Jer?
JERRY COOGAN: He's my brother.
Isn't that right Buddy?
BUDDY: Yeah, that's right Jerry.
You get to sit up on your high horse and look at me like I'm
a piece of shit while you get to stay the king.
He's got everything, this guy-- girls, money, success,
power, big dick.
He was always dad's favorite.
It must be great to be living the dream.
You know I had a dream once.
RANDY: Really?
JERRY COOGAN: Oh fuck, here we go.
BUDDY: I wanted to be an actor--
RANDY: So brave.
BUDDY: Yeah, thank you.
A great actor like Burt Reynolds or Jon Voight.
But some dreams come out stillborn, and the dreamer
just ends up a piece of shit just like you said, Jerry.
Just like you said.
JERRY COOGAN: Hold on a second.
Just hold that thought.
You!
Don't let him to drive any more cars off the lot.
RANDY: Absolutely, sir.
JERRY COOGAN: And I want my cars back.
All right.
Listen up Coogan Auto.
We've come to a decision--
Del.
DEL: Now we've heard some good ideas, and we've heard some
shitty ideas.
We think we have an amazing idea.

Action!
Hey, at Coogan, you bring your ass down here walking, you'll
leave here driving.
TONY: You tired of chicks treating you like a piece of
shit because you drive a shitty hoopty?
Well, come on down and get a new car.
I'm single ladies.

JERRY COOGAN: Hey, I'm Jerry Coogan.
I own this place.

Our cars get respect because we give respect.

VIP: Hey dick face, your piece of shit almost
hit my piece of shit.
RANDY: I guess we're both pieces of shit.
VIP: Bro, we need the Coogan Auto wizard.
RANDY: A-la-car-zam!

RANDY: There is a god.
VIP: Get down to Coogan Auto, and get that ass.
RANDY: Hi.
BECKY BECKER: I'm Becky, and this is Coogan Auto where
value is king and family is president.
We're located just off the northbound exit--
[THEME MUSIC]
DEL: Look at this fucking guy right here, right?
Mmmm!
Fucking thumbs up.
Fucking love you.

[INAUDIBLE].