Predictions for 2013! Russian satire! (English subtitles)


Uploaded by BitnikGr on 30.12.2012

Transcript:
Mikhail Zadornov's comedy concert LAUGHING THROUGH A GUFFAW
Good evening! Good evening and we are going to start our meeting.
I am grateful to this theater - the "Community of Actors at Taganka Theater".
It always provides the hall for my concerts and that's great.
And I don't just feel a gratitude for them as sponsors.
No. Sponsors see a gratitude for their money; while I am grateful for a different reason.
Why do I love this hall? Because people come here, who know that there is a theater, besides the POP stage.
Meaning that those are more educated and more cultured people. Actually I just made you a compliment.
You could applause a little.
And a lot of young people come and I am very glad for this.
That means that the youth also knows that theaters do exist. That means that the situation isn't so desperate yet.
So, the fact that young people started visiting my concerts and they become more and more in percentage of my viewers is a subject of my pride.
Oh! My friends! I forgot to tell you something. We have a TV shooting here today.
I see you all froze. So, make your hair. Those who came with lovers, hide yourself somehow.
The first rows are silent again, while thinking. The back rows got very quickly what I am talking about.
Yes, yes, yes. We are filming the New Year show. So, it's the January 1 today!
So, dear TV viewers, Happy New Year!
And you know what? I'll brag a little, but absolutely honestly. Almost no one films the concerts in such a way, which is called "live" today.
They create a "product" these days. Comedy concerts get filmed without viewers and they add viewers later by video editing.
That's how it is done almost everywhere.
But like this, spectators coming and participating in the concert itself...
basically only Zhvanetskiy, Petrosyan and Zadornov still do that. No one else.
I hope that we will have a good mood today, because we do it all honestly.
I start with a warm up usually. I tune the youth for the right mood by short phrases. They need such a "shortwave humor" for the start.
You know, you are my guests. And what you get first when you are guests? An aperitif.
So, a comedy aperitif will follow now and I think "Predictions for the next year" will be the best warm-up for you today.
Predictions for the upcoming year!
The next phrase is very difficult to understand. I am warning you right now.
And I say it often, that if I don't warn that upcoming joke is quite difficult to get, then almost no one reacts.
But if I do warn, then at least some one will "HA-HA", like "I am not fool, ok?".
Wait. Not this phrase, but the next one.
The Program of Demolition of Dilapidated Housing proposed by the President of Russia will place future existing of Russian under question.
Good. Maybe I should warn you every time.
Then even more difficult one.
Corruption will disappear in Russia. It will be renamed to Police.
- Bravo! - Oh. "Bravo" came already. That's good.
We basically started a meeting right now.
Phobos-Grunt will return to the Earth with samples of Mars drone's samples of Mars surface.
Experts will find cigarette butts, caps of beer cans and a small note "Sasha and Katya had a party here!"
The rating of United Russia party will be rising faster than its popularity will be falling.
They've pissed off all of us already!
We don't want even to laugh of them. We want only to applause.
The gas pipeline "North Stream" around Ukraine will start operating in full power.
And that's why the first line of the Ukrainian anthem will now end with a question mark. "Has not Ukraine perished yet?"
The financial situation of Ukraine will improve only toward the end of the year,
when the "nezalezhna" (independent) will start exporting albums of thieves prison songs of Yulia Tymoshenko.
Alexander Lukashenko will submit an application for participation in the "10 Millions" Show.
It will be his only chance...
... to help his country.
But Belorussia won't rename "Militsiya" to "Police",
because "Militsiya" officers will get afraid that remaining partisans in the woods will get them wrong.
The USA. Well we got to the USA.
If I won't say anything about the USA, it will be like you came to my concert for nothing.
The USA will finally decide to abandon their Imperial ambitions and they will concentrate on sports.
They will organize a peace tank rally Washington - Tehran.
In North African countries... hmm, next difficult phrase... that's why I'll read it slowly.
A thriller-fairytale will be issued for Arab children in North African countries.
It will start with a phrase "The Black Hand in the White House Pushed the Red Button!"
On the other hand, the Russian missile "Bulava" will be recognized by the USA as the most terrifying weapon,
because no one knows where it will fly and where it will explode!
The next phrase is not difficult for you, but it is for me. I have to pronounce it somehow.
America will deny providing guarantees about no-direction of its missiles against Russia,
until Russia won't provide guarantees of no-direction of its falling GLONASS satellites against the USA.
As a respond to her anti-Russian statements, Hilary Clinton will receive an invitation to visit Smolensk together with the entire US State Department.
Now about Russia...
Medvedev will become the President of Badminton Federation.
By your response I can immediately say how many of you visit Youtube.
You better don't laugh or you will end up in prison, by the way.
Modernization of Missile Forces will start in the beginning of the year under the slogan "One Bulava is ok and we don't have any other anyway."
By the end of the year, modernization of the Army under management of Medvedev will end up by appearing of new tongue-twister:
"The Army was getting modernized, modernized, but it didn't get modernized."
Nikolay Valuev will find the Yeti. After analysis of DNA they will find out that it's Valuev's brother.
Responding to Lady Gaga's dress made of meat, the Ukrainian singer Ani Lorak will come out on the stage in a dress made of salo.
Zhirinovskiy will be the first man, who will prove how his slogan "Russia for Russians" must be comprehended and he will leave Russia.
Now, I tell some milestone events that are very important for the World and will occur in following years.
Greece. In 2013 Greece will revive its ancient traditions. Everybody will walk in tunics, barefoot.
They will philosophize about the life... on empty market squares...
They will cultivate olive trees...
Greeks won't have any money for the anything else.
When Greece will finally understand that it can't return its debts, then it will hide from everyone in Britain.
Yes, I understand, it isn't always very simple.
China will get the most serious of its successes this year. The first Chinese aircraft carrier will be commissioned.
It will carry onboard 10.000 missiles, 1.000 combat airplanes and half a million oarsmen.
The demographic situation in Russia will be improved in 2014. It will be the only positive result of the Sochi Winter Olympics.
Brasil will become the Football Champion of the World in summer of the same year.
After that it will return with triumph back home in Makhachkala.
WOW! So many people know what I am talking about.
2015. Russia will insist to become a member of European Union and Russia will demand that EU must be leaded by Mikhail Gorbachov.
Correct! People from the first row are whispering here - "in order to destroy it."
Correct.
2016. Oh, I am so proud of this phrase. Honestly.
Oil will be found in Britain and France. And the USA will doubt their Democracy.
And since French will decide to extract the oil all by themselves, then they will be accused in violation of human rights.
George Bush Junior will get an idea to return back, but he will forget where exactly he wants to return.
The Football World Championship will be hosted in Russia in 2018, that's why the "United Russia" will become Champion of the World.
Demographic explosion will happen in Russia in 2020, after many years of friendship with China.
Zurab Tsereteli will get State order in order to fight overpopulation, to close Russia by the Great Anti-Chinese Wall.
Dozens of thousands of mutants will appear in 2022.
That's exactly how the first school graduates of Fursenko education program will be called.
Space ships of Allien invaders will land in Moscow in 2025.
But right on the next day, they will be attacked by groups of Tajiks and Moldovans with shouts "Moscow is for Russians!"
Generally speaking the situation with Moscow is amazing.
We were defending Moscow. We didn't give to Hitler, to Napoleon...
and now... without a fight, we surrender it to combined Team of Central Asia’s Gastarbeiters!
My assistance came in the office one day and she had... her soul ruffled.
And she says: "You can't imagine what's going on. I was in the bus shuttle and the driver was arguing with passengers in Tajik language!"
After predictions for the future, we have to summarize results of last years.
Many of events will remain in our memory. Maybe not every person can remember all the events...
So, I'll probably remind you some events, and I will comment on the most important ones.
Well, I'll start with a theme, which is mostly for men in the audience. Cause you know, we have to take care of men.
Women can laugh anywhere for anything. Even if they don't understand why they are laughing.
Well, here they go.
Meanwhile men feel little tense. Many of them came because their wives brought them.
They've said "Stop drinking! Evening will be long tonight."
"It's the New Year Eve after all. Chance to improve your health."
Only the football can distract our muzhiks from drinking.
So, I want to say some words... that we root for our National Team.
We remember all of its victories... that's not so hard after all.
Well, the milestone event in history of our National Team is that it crushed the team of Andorra.
The surprising fact is not that Russia crushed Andorra, but how the latter managed to gather 11 men who know to play football!
Oh, yeah! Another one milestone event, that probably passed unnoticed for many of you, but I found it very serious.
Let me tell you the subject first. Russia established diplomatic relations with the State of Tuvalu.
Oh finally! I felt so relieved when I heard that.
So, it is a milestone event. Well... Tuvalu recognized Abkhazia and South Ossetia.
And for that Russia recognized Tuvalu.
But saying the truth Russia doesn't know that Tuvalu still haven't recognize that the Earth is round.
And that Tuvalu recognized Abkhazia and Ossetia thinking that those are their ancient Gods.
So, we have Tuvalu in list of our buddies now. IF NATO WILL ATTACK...
Tuvalu will support us! We can sleep well now.
Okhlobystin amazed us last year!
What a guy! What a spirit! Without asking anyone, with no reason whatsoever "I want to be a President!"
He got so scared after three days of campaign. "No, no, no! I was just joking!"
Generally speaking, the pope Okhlobystin had such a great success in comedy series "Interns",
that many priests want to participate in "Big Brother" next season.
The next subject is so touching, you know. First of all, I don't know who got this idea first. To rename "Militsiya" to "Police",
but when such things happen I would like to ask our leadership to pass an alcotest.
Anyway, the results of it are quite interesting. It is touching.
Many of our Militsiya men really believed that they became policemen!
They walk with black glasses! Have you seen them?
They drink whiskey now. Police officer! Whiskey! Vodka is for old cops now.
They take bribes with discounts now.
They will start accepting credit cards for payment soon.
The interesting thing is how they got such an idea in general?
Why not trying to improve the job of "Militsiya"? No! They renamed it in Police and they are satisfied and all right.
Then we have to continue. Ambulance Service. It's not quite effective, right?
Let's call it "Doctor House".
Let's call benches at the markets as boutiques.
Lada Kalina... well... not impressive.
Write "Lamborghini" on it.
Mordovia could be renamed to Texas.
I even can't understand, do they realize that our descendants will remember only this about them?
Look, what can we remember about those who invent these novelties?
They renamed "Militsiya" to Police. That's sure will stay in memories.
They reduced time zones in Russia. And they cancelled winter-time.
Of course all of you remember that the Minister of Finances Kudrin was fired.
And many people were asking why, why, why? Such a modest and cultured man.
I know why. I'll tell you as a secret. Don't tell it anyone. He was the only minister with specialized education.
Another thing I remember and I like it.
The President Medvedev proudly announced from "Vesti" news channel that his son will continue his education in university.
Universities already started submitting applications to the son of Dmitriy Medvedev.
Of course everyone remembers what happened with Yulia Tymoshenko. She got 7 years of prison for gas.
Well, let's think for a second. Tymoshenko got 7 years for gas. Khodorkovskiy got 14 years for oil.
Oil is two times more expensive than gas then.
By the way, after that what happened to Yulia Tymoshenko, the Chinese Prime Minister is a little afraid to sign contracts for supplies of Russian gas.
And since we started talking about the oil... Astonishing thing happened. I finally see it happening.
Trial process started in London...
If only Gogol was alive... He would write a novelette "How Boris Abramovich fall aboard with Roman Abramovich".
I was waiting for it for so long time... Finally!
It's the first time when two Jews living in London litigate for Russian money, located in Switzerland.
Many of you don't follow the story. I'll explain you why this situation is so amazing, funny and interesting.
It's better to not lie to anyone in the London court.
If someone will be caught up lying, then he immediately and automatically becomes a defendant.
And now Abramovich and Berezovskiy got to that court.
They hadn't said a word of truth E-V-E-R in their lives!
They even don't know from where they have to start thinking in order to say something truth.
But as smart Jews they are, they provoke each other.
For example, the attorney of Berezovskiy asks Abramovich:
- Tell us please, is it true that you have privatized your oil company, that costs several billions dollars,
- just for $100 millions and even those millions were not your own money?
The British hold their breath at that moment and suddenly Abramovich, with his inarticulate smile, says "Yes".
All the British want to go to Russia so bad at that moment.
But then the attorney of Abramovich asks Berezovsky:
- Is it true that everyone with whom you were starting your business have now disappeared without leaving a trace?
And Berezovskiy says "Yes".
And the British don't want to visit Russia so much after that.
And the biggest thing that amazes the British people is that Abramovich ought to Berezovsky as much as Greece ought to the entire World!
But there is a crisis in Greece, while these guys don't have any crisis!