IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY - Status Kill

-I got to say it-- online Happy Birthdays are completely
meaningless.
It's like saying, hey, how you doing?
You don't care.
You don't care.
You don't care.
THEME SONG: Status Kill.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Agent Sparks, your mission is to acquire a
series of top-secret packages.
There shouldn't be any surprises.
-Copy.
[GUNSHOT]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[BEEPING]
-Hey, Happy Birthday.
-Happy Birthday, Sparky.
-Oh my god, Sparky, it's your birthday.
-Happy Birthday, Sparky.
-Happy Birthday, dawg.
-Thank you.
-Happy Birthday.
-Oh, you shouldn't have.
-Happy Birthday, Sparky.
-Happy Birthday.
-Happy Birthday, man.
-It is your birthday!
-Thank you.
[GUNSHOTS]
FEMALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Happy, happy, happy birthday.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Have a great day.
-Happy Birthday.
-It is your birthday.
-Happy Birthday.
-You're the best.
-Yay, Sparky!
It's your birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday, man.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: Aw, it's your birthday.
-Thank you.
MALE SPEAKER: It says here it's your birthday--
-Thank you.
MALE SPEAKER: --Oh my god.
I can't believe it.
-Thank you.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Really?
Do I even know you?
I have a phone.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
-You can call me.
You're my sister!
MALE SPEAKER: It is your birthday!
-Do you even care?
Oh, way to go sincerity.
That was the worst Happy Birthday I've ever gotten.
One exclamation point?
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday, man.
-Not three?
Not four?
You couldn't even use caps?
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
-Not even for the first letter of each?
Even in my name?
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
-I don't even like you.
And you know that.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday, Sparky.
-Happy Birthday my ass.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday, cutie.
-Eff you.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
[GUNSHOTS]
FEMALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday, Sparky.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh my god, it's your birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: It is your birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.

-Surprise!
-Aw!

You guys really do care.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-[GASPS]
Cake!

Give me, give me, give me, give me, give me.

MALE SPEAKER: Happy Birthday.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Well, look who it is.
COMPUTER VOICE: You've been tagged in a photo.
Is this you?
[MACHINE GUNFIRE]
MALE SPEAKER: I'm thinking about writing a short story.
AGENT SPARKS: You an accountant man.
You ain't gonna do shit.