EPIC KARDASHIAN RANT! (@JohnFugelsang/Caffeinated#3)

So, If I had a time machine, do you know what I’d do?
I’d go back and stop OJ from killing those poor people.
Because if I did that, then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian was.
You don’t need to “Keep Up With The Kardashians.” You can just slow down and watch the train
wreck as you gently pass by. I’m not actually talking about the real,
flesh and blood human Kardashians. I’m sure in real life they’re smart, evolved,
moral, spiritually complex and deep people. I’m talking about the self-absorbed materialistic
twits they play on their fake reality show. I say fake reality because there are Civil
War re-enactments that are less staged than this turgid drek-fest.
And I know what you’re thinking here - You can’t talk about the Kardashians without
mentioning Socrates- because it was Socrates who said “The Unexamined
Life is Not Worth Living, but the over examined life will eventually get their own reality
show about shopping, pouting, and emasculating the testicles off of Bruce Jenner.
I paraphrase, but you get the idea. I like this show, and I really do like it
- because The Kardashians' success proves something
very important to young women all across the world -
that anything is possible, as long as you're born into an insanely wealthy family and you
make a sex tape with Ray J. Now, in a perfect world, I gotta say, I wouldn’t
know who any of these people are. But sadly, I’m human, which means I need
to eat to live. And when you need to eat you go to the supermarket.
And if you decide to pay for food at a supermarket, so you don't starve, you will look at the
magazines to your left and you will know all about these superficial meat puppets lobotomizing
the collective brain of a once-great republic. If Aliens landed next to a newsstand in America
they would be forced to conclude that the Kardashians are the most important people
in the world. And they talk about themselves.
And they shop. And they talk about themselves.
And travel, where they shop. While fighting, and talking about themselves.
And then an Olympic Champion shows up, has his testicles removed by his wife without
actually realizing it just happened. Am I missing any details about the average
episode? You got the sisters, right?
Then you got the brother, that waste of donor organs - he’s got 3 million followers on
Twitter, OK?. 3 million! In his life, Van Gogh sold 3 paintings.
3 million fans, 3 paintings. Now their father, may he rest in peace, was
part of OJ’s defense team. Which is the only reason they're famous - we
can admit this, right? Now, if you know more about the Kardashians
than you knew about your own family members, then you are the problem.
If you can name more Kardashians than you can name Supreme Court Justices, my friend,
you are a barnacle on the dinghy of democracy. Thomas Jefferson said Americans get the leaders
they deserve, but I'm going to say this now -
if we get the reality shows we deserve then, my friends, we are deader than Lamar Odom’s
NBA career. So remember, you don’t need to keep up with
the Kardashians, you need to Get the F*ck Away from the Kardashians.
Let me hear you say it! Get the F*ck Away From The Kardashians?
Say it again! Get the F*ck Away From The Kardashians!
Alright, you're a good kid. Oh crap, I think your parents are home. Dude, I was supposed
to have you teeth brushed and in bed like 2 hours ago. Remember what I told you, alright?
OK. And seriously, bro - tell your parents that
I’m the best sitter you ever had, ok? I need this gig, man. Hook a brother up, alright?
Are we good? OK.
Alright, word. Wu-Tang in the house. Go, go! Losers.
Thanks again for watching "Caffeinated". If you Like this video, it is free to Subscribe,
and I'll meet you down below in the comments section.
I'm John Fugelsang. I'm Irish, Danish, and German - which means I get drunk, hide the
Jews, and look for them.