Não Gosto dos Meninos (Subtitled in English - It Gets Better - Brazil)


Uploaded by krystoffer on 06.06.2012

Transcript:
I don't think you should worry about being just like everyone else.
Because the idea is being actually different from everyone else...
Everybody looks at people from the opposite sex and feels something...
but when you look at people from the opposite sex, you feel just OK...
but then you look at people from your own sex and you do feel something different...
something hard to understand.
I DON'T LIKE THE BOYS: Stories we would like to have heard before.
This didn't happen at a certain age... I guess I've always known it.
There was this moment when I realized I was this way.
From what I can recall from childhood, I already had these feelings.
Even before I felt any sexual attraction, I could feel I was different...
I didn't take part on play fighting, I didn't like playing soccer...
I wasn't like the standard boy of my age.
I didn't play soccer, but I played basketball. Sports weren't a problem for me.
So I didn't "stand out", nor did I feel that way.
I played with my dolls, just like any girl was "supposed to"...
but my Barbies would kiss each other. I didn't like playing with Ken.
It's true!
Men have always caught my attention, ever since I was little.
Like Rocky Balboa. I was fascinated by his movies, so...
And I played with dolls...
I used to be attracted by comic book characters, superheroes, TV heroes and such...
but I didn't understand what that was.
At that time, I always played with dolls, and my friends were all girls...
I never felt excluded just because I had these different feelings...
I had no problems on dealing with it.
It was a sensation of weirdness... but it caused me no discomfort.
Ever since I can remember, I was always this somewhat "clichéd gay kid".
When I was little, I used to question myself, "But why can't I live as a woman?"...
even if I was born as --let's say it-- a boy...
I started to feel it when I started observing men.
When I first observed the sexiness of a man.
I was like, "Wow! This girl is just too pretty! It's not normal!"...
And then I told my best friend, "I guess I have a crush on a girl".
I would say, "Whoa, what a handsome guy!"
But I hadn't realized that interest was... sexual.
During high school, I actually never "desired" any of my friends...
I never thought of them in such a way...
But I felt aroused by them, and I didn't know why.
I studied at an all-boys' school, and, all of a sudden, I start to think of my classmates.
I was becoming best friends with the other boys, even if I didn't play soccer, even if I didn't belong to their stereotype...
All I wanted was to seduce those boys...
If that was all I could get, then I wanted to be friends with them...
with all of them!
I thought life would be growing up, getting married and having children, but...
it's just not that easy...
It was when I realized I could not really run away from it...
that I started to wish I could run away!
"If it is what I think it is, if I'm actually gay, I want to die with it".
"I may have no girlfriend, but I also won't have any boyfriends..."
"I'll never let my parents feel that dishonored", that's how I saw it.
It was the greatest struggle I ever had to face.
"No! I am not! I don't want to! I just need to wish it goes away!"
I was very afraid to be judged by God, too...
and by my mother, and my father... Mostly my mother...
Being a homosexual... As a child, you are taught that is the worst thing that could happen to you.
When your classmates want to offend you, the first thing they say is "You faggot!", "You gay!", or any of the like...
So you absorb it over the years, and you internalize that as the most negative thing.
Then, when you realize it's happening to you, it's really scary!
Because, back then, my references of gay people...
were not like how I see myself today, my friends, how I see gay people today...
It was like, this fancy flamboyance.
I didn't want to be or act like them, I didn't want to have those mannerisms...
even though I knew I was.
I had some very strong stereotypical images in my childhood...
but they never turned out as, "gays are all like that".
Think of myself in the 80s... in 1988, in a town of only 25,000 inhabitants...
and I had no one to ask, no friends to help, no one who was just like me.
The lack of examples ends up making it harder to believe. I didn't believe it for a long time.
Surely there are stereotypes... but people are completely diverse.
I used to be a afraid of getting close to any gay people.
I used to hate Cássia Eller (a famous lesbian singer), because she reminded me of the stereotypes.
And it was quite tough to me...
So I became friends with some gay guys, and I saw they were fine, they had a good life...
All I needed was role models, people that were fine with it. So that I could also be fine with it.
"If he is gay, so can I be! Because we enjoy the same things, we dress the same..."
"we do the same things, we share the same friends..."
I guess that's how we should look at it...
I remember I was told, "that's a phase, it'll pass"...
and it was very heartwarming to me, because someone was giving me a clue!
And I only saw how different I was when *they* showed me how different I was...
when the boys told me how uncomfortable it was to them.
Much more than to myself.
But I already felt not like them in so many things...
liking boys was just one of them.
Every day, when I arrived at school, I knew I'd suffer this psychological torture...
because people would look at me, and talk about me, and offend me...
and I had to go through with it. With no one I could talk to.
I spent my time at school mostly alone, keeping away from the bullies...
I used to run away to avoid being harassed or for the sake of those who were with me...
I used to be somewhat isolated...
I didn't belong to the girls' groups, because we didn't do the same things...
neither did I belong to the boy's groups, as I actually wasn't one of them.
I always saw myself as a girl, ever since childhood...
but soon I saw things didn't really work that way...
I feared so much what could happen...
I wish someone would just tell me, "It's going to be fine, André..."
"there's no problem at all with living your life differently from how your father wants it to be..."
I didn't want to hide that part of me, so I felt better telling everyone, starting with my family...
despite the possibly harsh consequences.
Actually it took me longer than I wanted until I told my parents...
because I had this massive fear of nonacceptance by my father.
I was afraid of him mostly. Later I realized how unfair I was to him, as he was OK with it...
But, at the time, I was afraid that my father knew it, that his friends knew it...
I used to think I'd have great trouble with my family, that they'd no longer love me...
My mother actually asked me about it, so I just answered:
"Yes, I'm a lesbian", and then it was a real chaos...
Well, my mother kept on crying for around 4 months... She'd just look at me and cry...
I had to tell them where I was going, who I was going with, what time I'd be coming back...
There was a crisis whenever I wanted to go out, just because they knew I was gay.
"You're no longer the same, you've changed... let me see your school grades..." - then I realized:
all the qualities I had no longer mattered...
Then I asked, "Mom, is it just because I'm gay?"
Parents always find it out. There's simply no way you can hide it.
I was almost 26, my mother pinned me to the wall and said:
"There's something you won't tell me about. But I'm your mother, I have to know".
And I just had to tell her.
One day she said, "I feel there's something you should tell me".
"I know what it is. But I want you to tell me yourself".
And I was like, "Damn, what an awesome mother do I have!"
Then I confirmed it, and she almost fainted.
I always rehearsed telling it to my mother...
We all have to tell them at some point, but each one has a different *timing*.
And mine wasn't there yet.
I never felt like I *needed* to tell them.
It could have been so comfortable if I kept it to myself, but actually telling them brought me a lot of benefits.
I dated a woman for one year... We lived together for 3, 4 months, until I told my mother:
"This was my last attempt, and it didn't work out. Now I'm going to live the way I want to".
My grandmother was the first in my family to know I was gay and lived with my boyfriend.
Her greatest fear was that I might be mistreated or even beaten in the streets.
I never really hid it from my family...
I believe that, when we hide it, we're just fueling their prejudice...
because we ourselves are treating these feelings as something abnormal.
I told her one day, "Mom, I'm a woman"...
and she asked me if I was going to be a shemale, a prostitute...
Back then, I couldn't explain her I was a transgender, not a shemale.
Not even I understood it.
So she thought this "whole new world" could bring bad things to me...
like illegal drugs, sleepless nights, whatever... They thought I was going to backtrack.
When my mother found out, when my boyfriend told her, she called me and said:
"I already knew it, mothers always do. And I talked to your dad, he already knew it, too..."
"and nothing's going to change in our relation with you".
She was very mother-ish... She only worried about my education, my job...
"Just be an honest man. Who you're going to marry with only concerns to you".
I'm still their daughter, they still love me and are proud of me, but...
I'm lesbian. Just that.
My father's attitute was the best I ever saw.
He said he loved me, and he didn't need me to be straight to love me...
and he hasn't changed at all, he's been just amazing.
I believe that when I understood myself and told it to those around me...
it was like taking a heavy weight off of my shoulders.
I lived under the shadows, trying to fulfill the social expectations, going out with girls...
but then I told myself I didn't want it that way.
Before figuring it out, I could hide behind my doubts...
but when I was sure of it, I had to tell the world and be relieved.
I told myself, "let's stop denying it, I'm queer, I'm gay, I'm not bisexual, I still like women, but I prefer men."
When I decided to face it, when I started to date and tell my mother...
after a while, she could notice I was happier than before, that I was finally dealing better with it.
If someone asks my girlfriend's name, I'll just say, "Gabriel".
Relationships are something we have to learn to deal with...
"OK, my friends and family know it, but what the hell is sharing a house with another man?"
Yeah, I have an 11-year relationship... We celebrate our 12th anniversary in September, 2011...
All our friends and our customers know about our relationship.
My life is completely normal. I have a job, he has a job...
Everyone who knows us, even our building's caretaker knows about us...
We have a normal life, just like any straight couple. There aren't many differences.
We're completing 5 years together in February. We feel such a partnership, an identification with each other. We share a lot.
But I think we're very "standard", always together... We are a modern couple, but not different at all...
It even surprises me... I used to be afraid I'd never have such a relationship, and here we are.
But we don't have a "refined sensitivity", I think it's bullshit. We're just the same as everyone else.
I believe we carry a heavier burden, for being gay...
You can't blame yourself to be gay. You can't face it as a burden...
Actually, it's not something you have to "face"! It's just natural!
Because nothing is really as awful as you imagine it could be.
You're going to have trouble, sometimes big trouble, but you always think it's worse than it actually is.
It may look hard, even impossible, but there's always a way out.
Sooner or later, you'll have to face the world...
Don't be ashamed of who you are. It can change your life.
And when you throw the cards and just be yourself, life gets much better.
What do I need to do to feel better?
That's what I do.
I accept myself as I am. I'm gay and I'm not ashamed to say it. It's not an issue to me.
Now I know what to say, what to do, and who are the ones that care about me.
And I'm very happy. No big deal at all...
The problem was on them, because they couldn't see I wasn't how they wanted me to be.
And that's awful... Because we turn out as "the gay one".
People pity on us because we don't get along with our families or such, and it's not like that!
I've got my life, my job, my house... I've got to pay the rent...
Perhaps being gay is the lightest problem I have.
It's funny, because when you come out to yourself, it all gets much easier.
You'll come out to anyone. To your family, at work, at school...
And if someone's not pleased, it's surely not your problem.
It's not better or worse than having black hair, straight hair, curly hair... It's just a feature like any other.
After you come through those times when you didn't know what to do, you'll look back and see it was worth it...
I didn't know where I could find real happiness...
and I found it when I started dating girls.
When you make things clearer to everyone and show more positive examples...
those who discriminate or have a biased understanding will start to look at it differently.
Know those who are by your side! Don't underestimate their love for you!
And, if you can't love yourself, look around and see all the people who want you to be happy!
I chose a way of life that doesn't bother anyone.
If what I look like, or the way I hold hands in the streets, or some effeminate mannerisms bother someone...
I'd love them to say it to me. Because I could show them my concept of a good way of life.
We should worry more about being happy, helpful, gentle with one another...
than keep insisting on this "cohesion effort", so that everyone share the same established religious and social concepts.
Translated and subtitled by KRYSTOFFER BAKOF