Jessy K on Celebrity Apprentice

Uploaded by TheJessyKShow on 08.06.2011

JESSY K: Hi everyone.
I was on Celebrity Apprentice on Mother's Day.
And my friends John Fisch and Rachel Feinstein were there, too.
You guys who watch this channel know who they are.
This was a fundraising task to put on a comedy show at Gotham Comedy Club.
[Music continues]
And I want to thank the owner of Gotham Comedy Club,
who's also my friend and my manager,
Chris Mazzilli, for hooking me up with the gig.
TRUMP: Comedy, it's a big deal and
a big deal in New York.
And I'll tell you what, in this world today,
we could use a little comedy.
You are going to produce a comedy show.
You're going to have six comedians split up, three and three.
Meat Loaf, who is going to be your project manager?
TRUMP: Good. I think you're appropriate.
Each team will get 50 tickets to sell.
Ultimately, it's about who gets the most total money.
[Intro theme music begins - "For the Love of Money" by The O'Jays]
LIL JON: Go, go, go.
Code red.
Money time.
Dollar bills.
[growling] Where's my money?
[growling] Where's my money?
Oh, money, money, money.
[Theme music - "Money Money Money"]
LIL JON: Yeah! What?!
[music continues]
LIL JON: Okay!
JESSY K: And then we performed in front of the celebrities.
MARLEE: It was time for us to take a break from fundraising and go and check out
the comedians that we needed for our show and audition each and every one of them.
JESSY K: Did you ever realize most of the only people that ever see a UFO are Southerners?
It's usually a Southerner.
I saw a UFO [in Southern accent], it was amazing.
I looked up and there was a dar, dang, de, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang ship in the sky.
[Man laughing]
JESSY K: It's a ship in the sky, hallelujah, Lord Jesus, Barack Obama...
JESSY K: If you don't start laughing at me, Star, I'll eat you.
WOMAN: I am laughing.
JESSY K: Thank you so much for having me.
MEAT LOAF: Okay, we have Jessica, Kyle, and Wally.
MAN: Yes, made it.
JESSY K: Star really needs to let go.
STAR: We would love to get another comedian,
a famous comedian,
a famous comedian [in slow motion],
that could come on and be a part of the show.
It'll help us make the show a little more fun.
JESSY K: It's a lot of matzo. Hah hah...
IMPRESSION OF STAR: Tracy Morgan, how you doing, baby?
TRACY: What's up, Mama?
IMPRESSION OF STAR: This is Star Jones! [grunts].
Do you think I'm going to get offended by my new voice?
TRACY: I don't care.
TRACY: If you don't offend people, you probably ain't funny.
IMPRESSION OF STAR: True that, Tray-Tray.
This is Star Jones, mm, mm, mm.
JESSY K: Then, finally, we had our show.
[Cheering & applause]
MEAT LOAF: Welcome to the Gotham Comedy Club.
I'm your host, and if you don't laugh,
I will personally kick your ass, okay?
MEAT LOAF: Right now, I'm going to bring up Jessica Kirson.
[Applause & cheering, sax playing]
JESSY K: Hey, everyone. How you doing?
[Audience reaction]
JESSY K: Good. Thank you, Meat. That was a big turn-on.
Oh! [Laughter]
JESSY K: I, I'm so excited to be here on the show,
The Biggest Loser.
JESSY K: You know... I've been traveling a lot,
and I realized that most of the people that see a UFO are Southerners.
Did you ever realize that?
It's usually a Southerner, right?
I saw a UFO [with Southern accent], it was amazing.
I was in the cornfield tending to the corn.
I looked up and there was a God-damned, [sing-song] darn, dang, de, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang ship in the sky.
I love corn.
JESSY K: It's never a JAP-y Jewish girl,
like someone from my family, someone I grew up with.
Oh, my God, I saw the most amazing UFO the other day.
I was like freaking out.
It was huge... [Laughter]
JESSY K: It was huge.
It was like my mother's engagement ring,
and I was like, Daddy, Daddy [yelling], I want a ship, too.
JESSY K: It's also never a big black woman,
don't you know, I saw a UFO, mo-fo.
I was like, damn, look up there,
it's a ship in the sky.
Shaniqua, Shaniqua, look up there.
It's a ship [sing-song voice] in the sky,
hallelujah, Lord Jesus, Barack Obama.
[Cheers & applause]
JESSY K: Thank you.
That's very sweet.
Thank you.
Thank you for clapping, but it'll never fill the hole.
JESSY K: You know...
look at some of you, what hole?
JESSY K: What hole?
Where the hell am I?
Is that Kirstie Alley?
JESSY K: You know...
oh, I'm having so much fun with most of you.
You know, I, I know some of you are uptight.
That's the truth.
Most of you are amazing.
I'm going to leave you on this because I got to get to the diner.
JESSY K: Does any...
Does anyone here have any friends who are really unattractive that think they're hot?
We all know someone like that, right, especially in Hollywood, you know.
A lot of, every one of those women are brought up their whole lives with compliments, right,
look at you, their parents, every day, look at you, you're amazing.
Look at you. You are gorgeous.
Don't ever let anyone make you think you're not okay.
And they're completely heinous.
JESSY K: But they think they're hot. And then you get confused. You're like, are they pretty?
JESSY K: What the hell is going on?
I thought she was horribly unattractive,
but she's so confident, I think she's pretty now.
JESSY K: And then they walk into a party and they're the confident ugly woman.
I can't wait to do this because a lot of you are silly. I love you.
[Laughter & cheering]
JESSY K: It is so uncomfortable having men hit on me all the time.
JESSY K: I just feel like a piece of meat.
I mean, look at me.
Look at my bone structure.
I don't even need make-up.
Sometimes I just look at myself in the mirror and I'm like, damn.
JESSY K: You guys are beautiful.
Thank you so much.
Give it up for yourselves.
[Applause & cheering]
JESSY K: Thank you, Meat. Thank you, sweetie.
[Sax playing & audience cheering]
IMPRESSION OF STAR: I was wrong about that JESSY K bitch.
She's one funny mother-[bleep].
She is so funny, I can't take it.
You don't even understand.
This is Star Jones [very loudly].
JESSY K: In the audience was Kevin Kline,
Billie Jean King, and this guy,
who I'm assuming is related to Gary Busey.
And did you guys see Meat Loaf kiss my hand?
It's been years since I've had the feeling of cold meat on my skin.
I haven't washed it since.
And I absolutely adore Marlee Matlin.
I love her.
MARLEE: Hi, I'm Marlee Matlin, and that voice you hear,
it doesn't mean I'm in drag.
JESSY K: Even though we got into a huge fight on stage,
I got to tell you, she really was not the nicest person.
I mean, she seemed nice all the time.
Why are you, why are, stop,
I need you to stop interpreting me right now.
No, I'm supposed to just be...
I don't want you to interpret me.
Can you stop?
I'm telling you to stop.
I don't want you to do this on the camera.
What is wrong with you?
Stop [yelling].
JESSY K: You know, a lot happened in that episode that you didn't see.
They edited the hell out of that thing.
I coached Meat Loaf in the trailer.
I did interviews at Trump Plaza.
I even cut the Donald's hair blindfolded,
and none of the footage was used.
You know why it wasn't used?
Because Meat Loaf cried 78% of the episode.
It was unbelievable.
[Music fades]
[Piano music begins]
MEAT LOAF: When the people didn't give me the money would be so upset and i cannot,
I cannot upset those people.
I cannot gamble that money that was meant for
those kids at that camp to play this game.
I just can't [sobbing].
MARLEE: When Meat Loaf was crying and telling us why he was so upset, Star said, look, Meat Loaf...
IMPRESSION OF STAR: Stop crying, mother-[bleep].
This is Star Jones.
JESSY K: You're killing me, Meat.
You're sucking up all of my air time.
TRUMP: To an even larger extent, it's about winning.
Now the way I would view it if I were Meat Loaf is very simple,
and I would tell this to Meat Loaf and I hope he can hear me out there--
STAR: He can, he can. He can hear you, sir.
MEAT LOAF: I can. I can't miss you, Trump.
TRUMP: All right. You may win--
[Talking over one another]
MEAT LOAF: I'm just, just tell him I can't go on because I'm really upset [sobbing]...
[Music plays as Meat Loaf cries]
MARLEE: Look, Meat Loaf, you know what?
It's time to change your attitude.
There's no time right now for this.
MEAT LOAF: I'm really sorry.
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
MARLEE: I saw Meat Loaf as project manager show his weakness, and I'm concerned.
TRUMP: I've never seen anything like it.
He'll cry at the drop of a hat.
PIERS MORGAN: Meat Loaf is highly emotional.
I mean, I would say barking mad in parts.
How would you like us to address you?
Are you, are you Mr. Meat, Mr. Loaf?
I had more energy than any one of those other players.
PIERS MORGAN: Some of them told me that, that you just cried a lot.
JOAN RIVERS: How's your blood pressure?
JOY BEHAR: What's with the crying? Do you cry during sex, for instance? Do you cry there--
MEAT LOAF: If it's really good, I might.
JOY BEHAR: Yeah, but have you considered medication?
MEAT LOAF: They make you really tired.
JESSY K: For just a dollar a day, you, too, can help put an end to Meat Loaf's suffering.
His meatballs are so tender.
[Chimes ringing]
MEAT LOAF: I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that...
TRUMP: Uh, well...
[Piano music swells]
MEAT LOAF: [in a shaky voice] Not really. I'm [crying] ...
MAN: You are the man. You're great.
All right, so don't you, you don't need to worry about--
MEAT LOAF: Let me see, let me [crying]...
TRUMP: It will be very disappointing if you lose.
MEAT LOAF: I have to look you right in the eye and I have to say to you personally, thank you very, very much, Mr. Trump.
I really, from my heart to you, mean that more than you can ever imagine.
And I thank you.
TRUMP: Meat Loaf, look at you.
MEAT LOAF: [Crying and sobbing]...
[Baby crying]
[Kissing sound]
JESSY K: In the end, Meat Loaf won $185,000 for his charity.
STAR: We did it, we did it, we did it...
JESSY K: We did it.
What did you just say?
And Victoria Jackson got fired again.
Like leave her on for one episode.
The same thing happened to me.
I was on Last Comic Standing.
I got voted off.
I got voted back on.
I got voted back off.
Meat Loaf?
TRUMP: This one, La Toya, you're fired, and you're a quitter.
And Star Jones kicked your ass, whether you like it or not.
[Music swells and fades]
[La Toya giggles]
Portions of the original broadcast were edited for entertainment purposes.
All praise be to The Donald. Please, don't sue us. God bless America.
JESSY K: Next week, I'll be on the toilet...
You're flushed.
JESSY K: Jon, I got to take a phone call really quick. I'm sorry.
[Meat Loaf song begins]
[Meat Loaf singing]: And I would do anything for love.
I'd run right into hell and back...
MEAT LOAF: I'm going to get emotional again.