Jade Catta-Pretta - 4/16/12 (FULL EP)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 16.04.2012

Transcript:

2Pac is here.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, guys.
Happy Monday.
It's going to be 85 degrees here in New York City today.
So it's July, no?
April.
Cool.
We're all going to die.
It's OK, because we are going to have some fun hanging out
today first.
Ah, here is a photo from my weekend.
Let's talk about me.
This is from my gym.
Took it this morning and it says, are you skinny fat?
Just in case you can't read.
Um, I didn't mean to pile that on you after reading, are you
skinny fat to make you feel worse.
The last poster said, it pays to be popular.
I already overpay at that gym and aren't I there to like
feel better about myself?
OK, that's my issue.
Um, here's a good thing that happened this morning.
Kathie Lee and Hoda on the Today Show were talking about
the KE diet, did you guys see this?
There's a lot of soon-to-be brides are doing it.
Apparently you lose 20lbs. in 10 days.
That's the good news.
The bad news is it's because you stick a tube in your nose
that feeds your stomach, ah, it's just a liquid diet.
Obviously, hopefully, there's sandwiches that are pumping
through there.
And it is just fat and protein, and no carbohydrates.
And just goes in there and down there.
And you carry a purse, and you sleep with a purse.
It's just a constant stream.
Kathie and Hoda were upset because you have to carry this
bag around, what if you trip?
Here's, ah, your tube is up your nose, feeding you.
It's also $2,000.
But also your friends might think that you are like dying
or sick, and, you are like, no, I just
want to zip up that--
Huh, I'm getting over it and--
No, I'm not over it yet.
OK, we have this cool package that came in the mail--
I'm just going to just move on, because @dmos1 sent this.
She sent toys, I think it's a she.
Um, she sent toys for me to put in the studio.
Which is awesome, because look how much fun stuff we have.
And I want to put it right now.
I'm going to put that turtle up there.
And this cowsie, the cowsie right there.
And this is a dangerous light box here it is.
Scorpion and a dinosaur, let's have a cow in there to make
things feel a little more homey.
That's homey for me, because I'm from Wisconsin.
For some of you that might not be homey.
Um, you guys should send in some things for me
to put on the set.
I would love that.
Tweet me @thebethhoyt and I'll give you my address.
And, you know, the window of my apartment, and
when I'll be home.
We'll figure it out.
Did you guys know that it's National Foursquare Day?
Are you thinking what I was thinking when I heard that?
I miss recess, like you know, the chalk and the big red
ball, and the--
No?
It's not that foursquare, maybe you knew that.
Mom, just so you know, foursquare is an app, where
you check in.
You're like, I'm at Walmart.
Um, everyone here at the office is really into it.
They keep outting each other to the mayor.
I want to be a mayor.
So, I'm going to check in.
I'm in the, I'm in the studio.

Oh, you do it on your ph--
Oh you do it on your phone?
You do it on your phone.
And it's ousting.
They're not outting each other, guys, they're ousting.
OK, moving on.
I'm technologically advanced.
And I hung out with some of you in the comments section
before the show.
Just so you know, my computer froze, which is why I didn't
see the rest of the comments.
I was thinking why isn't anyone commenting?
And you were.
I just--
I don't want to blame Apple.
And I'm just a, I'm just a, I just did.
Also I want to comment on you right--
I want to comment on you, all over your face right now.
But I'm going to try and just reload this page.
And then comment.
Can I comment now?
No.
This is really horrible, because you can see the delay
in here, and I can see myself.
And I see myself like two seconds later.
And it's not fun to be me right now.
I'm telling you that.
But anyway, I want to comment some more.
We are going to let this load, and we are going to have some
sort of technological person look at this for me.
But we have a guest today and her name is Jade Catta-Preta,
and we're going to come back and talk to
her in just a second.
She's the star of Daddy Knows Best, one of our MyDamnChannel
original series.
She'll be right here.
But first up, let's watch one of the Daddy Knows Best shows,
episode one.
Swim Class.

WIFE: Hey, where were you?
HUSBAND: Swim class.
WIFE: Oh, that was like four hours ago.
HUSBAND: Yeah, but, you know, there is the
traffic, and it's nuts.
WIFE: Aw.
HUSBAND: Yeah, and he's really fussy, so I'm
going to put him down.
WIFE: I'll put him down, I miss that.
HUSBAND: It's OK, I got him.
WIFE: No, I got it.
Come on, Chloe.
Come on.
No--
HUSBAND: All right.
Hey.
[SNIFFING]
Oh, God.

WIFE: Hey, Steve?
HUSBAND: Yeah?
WIFE: This reeks of cigarettes.
HUSBAND: Huh?
What smells like cigarettes?
WIFE: His jacket.
Smell it.
HUSBAND: What do you mean?
WIFE: It like reeks of cigarettes, like aw.
HUSBAND: He's smoking.
This is unbelievable.
WIFE: What is this?
HUSBAND: Ah, classic laundry mishap.
WIFE: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
This, this looks just like him.
No, this is definitely not my thong.
Oh, God.
It's, it is wet, it's wet.
What is that?
HUSBAND: It's more moist that it is wet.
WIFE: Whose thong is this?
Where did you get this?
HUSBAND: OK, you know what, fine.
You ruined the surprise.
Surprise.
WIFE: What is it?
HUSBAND: I got you a child, who goes pee pee in the potty.
Our son took his first pee pee on the potty.
He did it.
WIFE: Yay.
What?
How?
I don't understand, explain to me how that has--
HUSBAND: He did the pee pee on the
potty, WIFE: OK.
HUSBAND: And the potty happened to be inside of a
strip club.
WIFE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What?
Did you just say a strip club?
HUSBAND: Lower your voice, our son is in REM sleep.
WIFE: You're kidding me.
You took our kid to a strip club today and
just a smoke filled--
HUSBAND: Technically speaking, OK, yes, we
went to a strip club.
WIFE: OK.
HUSBAND: We were looking for a bathroom.
Dada, dada, potty, potty.
And I saw, it was a lot of glare, I
saw an unmarked building.
I thought it might have been a house of worship.
WIFE: But it was a strip club.
HUSBAND: It happened to be a strip club.
Yes, it happened to be a strip club.
WIFE: OK, OK, good.
So you went in, you did go to the bathroom.
You left.
HUSBAND: We went inside, we went to the bathroom, we
walked out, got a lap dance, and we walked out.
WIFE: Did you just say you just got a lap dance?
HUSBAND: Yes, we got a lap dance.
You don't know what happened.
They're very intimidating at these places.
This big black guy came over at me--
WIFE: Oh yeah, and he put a gun to your head?
HUSBAND: He said hey, man you all are going to get a lap
dance,
WIFE: Really?
HUSBAND: Yeah.
Even the boy.
WIFE: Oh wow, just like that?
HUSBAND: Yes.
WIFE: He told you you were going to get a lap dance?
HUSBAND: I was frightened for my safety and for Jack's.
WIFE: So you're telling my baby got a lap dance at a
dirty, filthy strip club just covered in smoke?
HUSBAND: I don't know, I didn't see him, he was in a
separate room.
WIFE: In a separate room?
You've got to be kidding me.
You can't do it at the same time.
You can't make eye contact, it's a very
weird thing with boners.
HUSBAND: And for the record,
WIFE: Yeah?
HUSBAND: She had nice tits, but her ass was zitty.
Your ass has got way better complexion.
WIFE: Oh, wow, thank you so much, Steve.
It's so great.
That makes me--
HUSBAND: You're making a mountain out of a thong.
You are.
WIFE: Not really, but then you bring my son's jacket.
It reeks like--
No, move your foot.
Move your foot, Steve.
HUSBAND: What?
There's nothing underneath my foot.
WIFE: Steve?
HUSBAND: What foot?
I'm moving my foot.
WIFE: This foot.
Steve.
HUSBAND: Oh, God.
WIFE: Destiny?
Really, Steve?
Destiny?
You got a stripper's phone number.
Are you kidding me?
HUSBAND: I didn't get a stripper's phone number.
Have you been listening at all?
WIFE: Ha.
HUSBAND: This thong was in his jacket.
That phone number was in his jacket.
WIFE: Aha.
HUSBAND: I think, we see what the problem is here.
WIFE: Yeah.
HUSBAND: We are raising like a young Tony Soprano.
WIFE: And did he smoke a cigarette himself?
HUSBAND: You know what?
Give me this.
I'm going to call this Destiny, and I'm going to tell
her A. We have her thong, in case she's looking for it.
WIFE: Oh yeah.
HUSBAND: And B, make sure she knows how inappropriate it is
to give a phone number to a young child.
She should wait till at least he is 15 years old.
WIFE: Yeah, yeah, why don't you do that?
You do that.
You be busy with that.
HUSBAND: Fine.
WIFE: And I'll be taking him to swim class from now on.
HUSBAND: You sure you want to do that?
WIFE: Yeah, I do.
HUSBAND: You really think you're ready to get back into
a bathing suit?
I shouldn't have said that.
Wish I could--
WIFE: Just sleep out on the couch for ever.
You know?
HUSBAND: OK, I like the way cold leather feels on my--
WIFE: Yeah, good.
It's just unfair, because I don't know what's--

HUSBAND: What was the last thing you saw?

JADE: Ah.
BETH: Oh my God.
It's Jade Catta-Preta.
We're having lots of fun.
Um, hi.
Thanks for joining us.
JADE: Hi.
Thanks for having me.
BETH: Wow, Steve is kind of like a dick.
Yeah, he's a dick on the show.
And in real life.
BETH: Is he?
JADE: No, he's super sweet.
BETH: No, I figured he was.
JADE: No, yeah.
BETH: All the ones who can be really like that in shows are
always the sweetest guys.
JADE: Yeah, no.
originally, when they were thinking of the idea, they
cast me because I actually look like his wife.
BETH: You do?
JADE: I'm his wife's Doppelganger.
Yeah, so we--
BETH: You met her?
JADE: Yeah, I met her.
And we hugged, ah, we're like hi.
BETH: It's like looking in the mirror.
JADE: Yeah, it was like looking in the mirror.
BETH: So he wanted, he wanted like to get right to the
method acting, with, like, making it really easy, and
making surroundings look like his--
JADE: Yeah, it his real house in the episode.
BETH: And you look like his wife.
JADE: That's his real kid.
I look like his wife.
BETH: But that's not a real scenario.
JADE: I hope not.
BETH: I hope too, I hope for her sake.
JADE: No, it's not.
BETH: So you're in New York this week and you live in LA
though, right?
JADE: Yeah, I live in LA.
I'm in New York doing some shows, it's lots of fun.
BETH: Ooh, stand-up shows?
Yeah, yeah.
Wow, how are the New York audiences for you?
JADE: Great.
Except one show I did the [INAUDIBLE]
turn, and it was just silent and black.
Like [INAUDIBLE]
I'm kidding.
Um, it was lot of fun.
The audiences are different.
And it's cool to be around new comics.
BETH: It's cool.
So in LA you're just finishing up pilot season?
JADE: Pilot season was--
yeah
BETH: Awesome and fun?
JADE: Yeah, awesomely fun.
BETH: So you certainly don't really want to
talk much about it.
So can you just tell me like the emotional
ups and downs of--
JADE: You're like oh, I might make what I made in New York
in one day.
Oh, no.
I want to die.
And you just want to kill yourself.
BETH: Aw.
JADE: But it's fun.
Keeping it light and fluffy, your last name makes me want
to eat Panna Cota.
JADE: Oh Penna--
Cata-Preta.
Yeah, Brazilian.
BETH: [INAUDIBLE]
So what is--
what's the story of your last name?
Is it your mom and your dad's last name?
JADE: That's my dad's last name.
He got, he just got both.
BETH: That's cool.
JADE: Yeah, I think it's been Cata-Preta as long as we can
like remember, look as far back.
BETH: Wow, so it's Brazilian?
JADE: Brazilian, yeah.
I was born and raised in Brazil.
BETH: I put the cow over there to be like, this is my home.
JADE: I love this place.
It's like my ADD dream.
I just want to touch everything.
All little cabinets.
JADE: You can.
You can touch everything.
I have one more question.
What
would you- JADE: Ah.
What would you name this puppy?
JADE: Wrinkles?
Wrinkly Face Jones?
is that the final answer?
I think Wrinkly Face Jones?
BETH: That's a good one.
What do you, guys, think about Wrinkly Face Jones?
I think that a good name.
JADE: He is cute.
BETH: We are just looking for a name.
He's just nameless.
Thank you for putting that in the--
JADE: Is this your dog?
BETH: Absolutely not, just a picture.
JADE: You want to show us?
So, we'll never get to touch?
BETH: Probably not, Yeah.
Probably not.
JADE: It's fine.
BETH: But thanks for joining us today.
JADE: Thanks for having me.
BETH: Awesome.
JADE: And everybody watch Daddy Knows Best.
BETH: Keep watching, yeah.
I can't wait to show more of them.
JADE: April, 18th is the next one, right?
BETH: Yes, in two days.
You guys, I'm going to show you something right now.
It's called the Jon Friedman Internet Program.
Bye, Jade.

-Ah, 19, I think.
-Yeah, 19.
-Oh, there it is.
-Sorry, I'm late.
Let me explain.

Oh, it fell.
You guys, thank you so much for coming and joining us.
I'm going to be on Twitter as soon as I say
the final good bye.
Let's hang out there.
Let's never say bye.
Come to the Beth Hoyt.
I'm going to be talking with you there.
And I'm also going to comment early tomorrow too.
So, join me there, I need to have fun.
Tomorrow we also have Franchesca
Ramsey, my good friend.
Maybe you know her as Chescaleigh.
She's going to be on the show.
It's going to be really fun.
And on Wednesday Michael Showalter is here.
[INAUDIBLE], you guys, comment and subscribe.
Please.
And we'll see you tomorrow at 4:00 p.m.
I love you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]