Now here's american comic and alienated drunk Doug Stanhope...
...with his view on fear in the US news media.
I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why i drink.
What is that you are so afraid of anyway?
It's no secret to anybody that the news is just a constant battering ram...
...of fear mongering.
If you wanna be terrified there's never ending coverage...
...they can make you scared shitless.
Juvenile heart-attacks, could it be your child?
Is someone masturbating in your sandwich at the local diner?
You might not think so, but this horror movie graphic will change your mind.
Can you get pig flu from pork chops? No.
The calls are coming from inside the house!
"Shots fired. Shots fired. 2007"
You must get out of the house!
Where is your teen right now? Probably getting the shit kicked out of him.
"You make me so pissed!"
People tend to blame the news as though it's their fault for spreading all this fear...
...as though there is no market for it.
You can't blame the news for making you afraid...
...anymore than you would blame horror movies or haunted houses...
...that's what people are buying into. And the reason people...
...are buying fear so easily and stock piling it is...
...you'd much rather believe all that bullshit, that immigrants are taking your jobs...
...pedophiles are trying to fuck your kids and...
...terrorists are coming to blow up you Ford Focus in particular.
That's far more palatable for people to buy than...
...to accept the reality, which is that probably, a statistical high Vegas odds probability...
...is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
You're not gonna win the lottery, you're not gonna get caught in gang violence...
...or school shootings...
...you're not going to get date raped. I know you put a napkin over your glass...
...when you go out to have a cigarette, so no one slips something in there and fucks you later.
Wasn't gonna happen anyway. Nothing is gonna happen to you.
You'll fall in love, he'll break your heart...
...later on in life you'll settle for less...
...they are not so much of a looker, not so high on the personality scale, but their stable....
...you can make a family with them and you'll push out rotten kids and you'll get some...
...awful job, you'll give up your dreams and sit in a cubicle.
Maybe in your fifties, you'll find some lump in the back of your neck that they have to cut out...
...your daughter flies home from college in the Dakotas to be there by your side...
...but by then they find out it's benign, it's an out patient procedure...
..that you'll still bring up every Christmas dinner like it was some...
...near death experience.
"Before you carve the turkey Mary, I just want to say...
...after my little scare with the neck thing, it made me reevaluate my entire life...
...and now I realize how much my family means to me...
...and just to have you all here, and I get choked up every time I talk about this."
Nothing ever happened to you, stop milking it.
Nothing ever happened in your whole boring life...
...so shut up, flip on the news and carve the fucking turkey.
