How to Hitchhike Across America: Season 1 (Part 3/5)


Uploaded by vice on Jul 7, 2012

Transcript:

DAVID CHOE: This is an awesome ride, and she doesn't want to
be on camera.
Actually very monumental--
our first Asian ride that we've ever got in my entire
life of hitchhiking.
She's half Chinese and half Spanish.
She said her father would be upset at her for picking up
hitchhikers.
But she picked us up because she saw our
faces and we were Asian.
And she said Asians don't hitchhike unless they really
have to because they have too much pride.
Little did she know, she picked up the two worst
Koreans on the planet.
So we got a ride from Lena, my favorite gay, Asian
grandmother.
She's been a wonderful ride.
She gave us close to a 300 mile ride.
We passed out of Texas.
We're going to head into Oklahoma.
I learned in this 300 miles how horrible my gaydar is.
I had no idea.
She came out of the closet in 1974.
Her father still hasn't forgiven her.
She got artificially inseminated by
a Portuguese man.
She doesn't like the gays these days because they're not
really gay.
All the people that say they're gay now are actually
just bisexuals.
And they need to just pick a side already.
I mean, I should have known because of the haircut, but
she kept talking about her song.
I asked her about her husband or boyfriend.
And then she just looked in the rear view like I was
crazy, and she goes, I'm gay.
And I was like, oh shit, all right, well excuse me.
Sweet lady, was going to give us a ride all
the way to New York.
Instead we [INAUDIBLE] stop in Yukon, Oklahoma City, home of
Garth Brooks and Toby Keith.

So here we are with Mike.
He's taking us towards Tulsa.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, fuck yeah.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah.

DAVID CHOE: Nah, man we're just on a great adventure.

Mike's been fishing all day.
Did you catch anything?
Mike didn't catch anything, but--
MIKE: I didn't do anything.
DAVID CHOE: Mike's a little tipsy because he's been
drinking all day.
And he was nice enough to offer us some wheat beer.
And you promise not to kill us.
DAVID CHOE: OK, all right, I feel better now.
DAVID CHOE: How many beers have you had today?

DAVID CHOE: [LAUGH]
Thumbs up.
Everyone in the Bible Belt likes to DUI, likes
to drink and drive.
You ever picked up two Chinamen before?
Two orientals?

DAVID CHOE: You're a Vietnam vet?
DAVID CHOE: Mike is a Vietnam vet.
And that's why he has picked up two Chinamen before he's
ever picked us up before.
What do you think about the war now?
DAVID CHOE: All right.
You like George Bush?

DAVID CHOE: Tell me about your love for George Bush.

DAVID CHOE: Well, I mean, you almost looked like you had a
tear coming down in your eye when you talk about him.
DAVID CHOE: Tell me how much him.
Tell me how much you love that man.
MIKE: Love him.
DAVID CHOE: Love him.
MIKE: Love him.
DAVID CHOE: And his daddy.
DAVID CHOE: And his daddy.
DAVID CHOE: And Ronald Reagan.
DAVID CHOE: Fucking rule, man.

DAVID CHOE: I don't get involved in politics.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
MIKE: Oh, motherfucker you've got to
get involved in politics.
DAVID CHOE: I'm--
MIKE: Kiss my ass, man.
DAVID CHOE: Hey Mike, we rolled through Amarillo, we
were warned by the whites and the Mexicans that the blacks
are the worst people.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah.
That's true?
MIKE: Well, yeah, I guess.
DAVID CHOE: What's wrong with the blacks out in Oklahoma?

DAVID CHOE: What do they do?
DAVID CHOE: They'll kill your ass.
You wouldn't have picked us up if we were black.

DAVID CHOE: Wow.

One of the best drunk-driving DUI hell rides
I've had in a while.
DAVID CHOE: No, we're going to hang out here, get some grub.
At the--
DAVID CHOE: What, you can't [INAUDIBLE]
MIKE: That's bad, man.
DAVID CHOE: Why, what's bad?
MIKE: I scared you all.
MIKE: [INAUDIBLE]
fucking turds, man.

DAVID CHOE: We're off into the sunset, wish us luck.
Wish us luck.
MIKE: Well, I can't do that.
Hey.

DAVID CHOE: You're a sweet guy too, buddy.
To be completely honest, you did scare us a little bit.
MIKE: I did?
Why?
DAVID CHOE: Well, it was probably, like, the sixth time
the car almost flipped over.
[LAUGH]
MIKE: [INAUDIBLE]

DAVID CHOE: Mike, you're a great guy, and I
appreciate the ride.
DAVID CHOE: We're not scared of you.
DAVID CHOE: Mike, we're completely all good.
Mike, come on.
So long, Mike.
DAVID CHOE: I love you too.

DAVID CHOE: So Mike, one of the best hell rides I've had
in my entire life, a scholar and a gentleman to be sure,
basically gave us the grand tour of Oklahoma blasting his
favorite band, Hinder.
His stereo was on repeat, so we heard the same
song about 17 times.
He liked to scream at young, black teenagers when we were
pulled up at red lights.
And blast Hinder, fuck yeah, what do you
think about my music?
And in the last hour, drove around, pretty much in the
same one-mile radius of where he picked us up.
So actually we backtracked.
So we're nowhere near Tulsa.
And now I'm drunk, also.
So we'll see where we end up tonight.

Thanks guys, how far you guys going?

So it's day seven, this is "Thumbs Up." It's exactly one
week going on this trip.
There's this thing that happens when you walk a lot
carrying a lot of stuff and it's hot outside.
Your butt cheeks, if you're a little bit overweight, they
rub together.
Your asshole starts to hurt a lot.
I'm pretty tired, pretty hungry.
But being so tired, I end up getting reinvigorated, full of
life by the kindness of strangers, like the drunk
people like Mike.
I guess it takes a bit of alcohol to turn a lot humans
into humans.
I guess being drunk turns you from being this robot into a
compassionate being that's like, hey, there's two fucking
humans on the side of the road.
It's hot outside.
They look like they are going to die.
I'm going to pick them up.
[COUGH]

G-BERRY: So what kind of haircut we giving your
partner, man?

DAVID CHOE: So what's going on with Oklahoma?
G-BERRY: Man, Oklahoma is the place to be.
We went to three states where the second we rolled into
town, like,
G-BERRY: Is that right?
DAVID CHOE: Yeah.
G-BERRY: I mean, is that how feel like blacks are here in
Oklahoma, man?
DAVID CHOE: That's what they said.
G-BERRY: I'm a black man, and I'm proud to be black.
You know what I'm saying?
DAVID CHOE: I can see that.
G-BERRY: So if a person tell you to watch out for the
blacks, whoever that person was that told you to watch out
for the blacks, you really need to watch
out for that person.
DAVID CHOE: Hey, I got another question for you guys.
G-BERRY: Wassup, man?
DAVID CHOE: How come black people don't pick up
hitchhikers?

DAVID CHOE: All right.
Even if they look like two nice Chinamen.
G-BERRY: Man.

DAVID CHOE: I'm just saying.
G-BERRY: Man, I'm not stopping.
For nobody.
I don't care if it's another black person.
See you when you get there, brother.

DAVID CHOE: It's all good.

G-BERRY: [LAUGH]
I'm just saying.

DAVID CHOE: Because they put you in a little closet, and
you never see anybody.
G-BERRY: Oh, man.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, it's like solitary confinement.
G-BERRY: How long?
DAVID CHOE: It was three months, which is nothing
compared to 14 years.
But they were trying to put me in there for 7 years.
And I don't know.
DAVID CHOE: Like, Japanese food, rice.
[LAUGH]
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, it was tough, man.
They didn't really like me too much.
DAVID CHOE: Come on-- of course I do.
DAVID CHOE: [LAUGH]
G-BERRY: He has officialy been hood hawked.
Hood hawk by G-Berry, man.
HARRY KIM: The hood hawk.
G-BERRY: Good to meet you.
DAVID CHOE: Have a nice day.

DAVID CHOE: Still in Tulsa, Oklahoma, having a tough time
getting out.
Amazingly, Danielle picked us up on the side of the road.
And her house is under renovation.
And so I asked her if I could paint it, and she said yes.
DANIELLE: It's got to be nice, though, because I
want to keep it.
It can't be something that, when you guys leave, I
roll-paint over it.
DAVID CHOE: Of course, I will I'll make you beautiful.
DANIELLE: Make it good.

my boyfriend would lose his mind if he walked in here.
DAVID CHOE: OK, let's just do it really quick.
Just to see how.
What the fuck is going on here?
DANIELLE: [LAUGH]
DAVID CHOE: What the fuck is these two chinks doing here
playing instruments while you're dancing?
Put your clothes back on.
DANIELLE: Two chicks?
DAVID CHOE: Chinks.
[LAUGH]
DANIELLE: I don't talk like that.
HARRY KIM: Oh shit, dude.
DANIELLE: This is my [INAUDIBLE]
DAVID CHOE: Hi, how's it going.
I'm Dave and Harry.
We're doing a portrait of your fiancee on the wall here.
DANIELLE: On the wall.

DAVID CHOE: Thank you.
DANIELLE: Bye.
DAVID CHOE: Bye.
DANIELLE: You guys take care of yourselves.
HARRY KIM: Thank you for everything.
DANIELLE: All right.
DAVID CHOE: Awesome.
Awesome, awesome, awesome.

So as the sun sets in beautiful Tulsa, Oklahoma, we
have experienced many great adventures in the barber shop,
and also witht the Duchess of Darkness, who's actually not
dark at all, and a sweet, beautiful
butterfly on the inside.
You know sometimes we get a raw deal and we need to change
our situation in life.
So this seems as great a spot as any right to hop a freight
out of town.
Still heading east.
Many amazing cities to come--
Memphis, Tennessee, New Orleans, Miami, and a big
hurricane on the way.
So till next time, "Thumbs Up."
We rolled into Little Rock, Arkansas last night.
And tried to hitchhike out.
And the state troopers stopped us.
It is just a little bit past midnight, I believe.
And we are in Arkansas.
And we got pulled over by these nice officers.
They've amazingly not given us any tickets.
They're going to tell us a little bit about Arkansas and
hitchhikers and stuff like that.
O. CRAIG: We don't see a whole lot of hitchhikers on the
interstate course.
It's illegal for anyone to be hitchhiking on a
controlled-access highway.
We don't have a whole lot of problem with that.
DAVID CHOE: Have you guys ever picked up hitchhikers?
O. CRAIG: Oh, yes.
We usually make sure they're either aware that they're not
supposed to be on the interstate, and get them off
the highway.
And of course, if they're non-compliant, then we wind up
having to arrest them.
Though we hate to do that.
But sometimes you have to do that.
DAVID CHOE: Right.
So thank you so much for not punishing us for, you know--
and anything else you guys want to say?
Thumbs Up, America.
HARRY KIM: Thumbs up.

DAVID CHOE: We just jumped a freight in Little Rock that
has ceramics in it.

Memphis on the rails.

I don't who this guy is, but I see his shit everywhere.
I guess he's been hopping for 40 years.
I like his style.
It's nice and smooth.
Old school hobo.
Hobo, short for hoe boys--
dudes that used to swing the hoe,
riding the rails, vagabonds.
Never came back, jack.

We're in a pretty dangerous situation right now.
We're in one the biggest yards I've ever been in, and we
can't find our way out.
And there's like 300 tracks here.
It's like a--
what's that video game? "Frogger"?
HARRY KIM: [LAUGH]
DAVID CHOE: It's like "Frogger." We're, like, going
in between the cars, and they're like [BOOM]

All right, let's get out of here.

Heavy fucking metal.

We just made it through the "Frogger" maze.
And the only thing is, we're not really close to any
civilization.
So--

sorry.
There's no train cops around, so I feel pretty--oh shit.
Let's get down.

We're a little bit outside Memphis, I think.
We we're going to try to hitch it into town right now, but
we're pretty tired.
It was long, funky ride, and really screechy.

We got picked up two the weirdest
Grateful Dead fans ever.
MALE SPEAKER 1: GDF, baby.
DAVID CHOE: Love Jerry Garcia, but are into rap, graffiti,
ex-vegetarians, and they'll punch you in the face.

DAVID CHOE: We are in Memphis, Tennessee.
And a lot of things just happened all at once.
First of all, we're in barbecue
territory in bush country.
We were just walking down Midtown Memphis and we ran
into this amazing restaurant, Casa Blanca Cafe.
And then we aw the Jaguar and were checking it out, and
Aimer, the owner and the amazing human being that owns
the shop came out and told us about the time he--
this thing goes 180.
He got ticketed for 155.
Cops never caught him.
Amazing human being all in all, so we started talking.
He's from Palestine, he's from Jerusalem.
While we we're talking, he mentioned
his ex-wife was Jewish.
And that's like the same thing as me marrying a
Japanese girl or--
AIMER: The story of me and my ex-wife Karen.
Is amazing.
We got married when we [INAUDIBLE] we start to go out
almost every night.
Before I mean, she [INAUDIBLE] ask all kind of question.
And after that, we got in love.
And her people before, 95% from the people,
we know each other.
And when they find that I am Arab, they start to hate me
and they start to take her away from me.
Telling all some bad things about me.
He's going to kill you--
DAVID CHOE: Your relationship just could
start an entire war.
I mean, that's like, the most taboo sex, like Jew on Arab
porn, it's insane.
AIMER: I mean, even her brother, and her mother, and
her all her brothers, nobody came to the wedding.
DAVID CHOE: No one came to the wedding?
AIMER: No one.
No one.
And nobody's spoke to her for three years.
DAVID CHOE: Was the sex good, at least?
AIMER: It was awesome.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID CHOE: And then actually, a second question, which is
even more important than that question.
And that question is, can we get a ride?
in the Jaguar.
AIMER: Let's go.
DAVID CHOE: No, you give us a ride.
You give us a ride.

Our best ride so far.
Thumbs Up, America.

We are still in Memphis, Tennessee.
Unbelievable luck yesterday, we ran into Aimer, a
Palestinian man who let us stay at his mansion.
And cooked us the most amazing lunch, and then dinner, and
then breakfast this morning.
Dropped us off in his Jaguar at the wonderful
Wonder Bread Factory.
Wonder Bread, delicious, amazing, wonder, white bread.
And it's a good thing because we are heading into the
Mississippi.
So far we've cut through states that have a lot of
hatred towards a black people from the whites.
And now we're going to sort of flip-flop and head into the
states where there's a lot of hatred toward white people
from the blacks.
So what better way to start the day with some white bread.
Also Wonder Bread is the most amazing
ingredient for budget eating.
So we're going try to score some free Wonder Bread or buy
some at the bread discount store thrift store.
And I will show you some tricks of the trade and some
of Dave Choe's favorite Wonder Bread recipes.

This is my makeshift cooking show.

I'm going to show you how to eat really healthy and
nutritious on the road.
We've got Wonder Bread, sardines, we have Tang.
And we have peanut butter.
When you eat this, and chew this up in your mouth, that's
what it looks like.
Do you know what that is?
That's glue in your stomach.
And say this is your stomach, and you have glue going down.
It squeezes your stomach into a pasty knot, and you're not
hungry forever.
It's a great diet plan.
You don't get hungry.
And it's really hard to force down after a while.
I mean, I can't even talk right now.
I've got peanut butter and Wonder Bread
all mixed right there.
So this is more of a survival thing.
Now, they've got sardines and all kinds of sauces.
But the best one to bring on the road is any kind of
sardine with any kind of oil.
This one has soybean oil with hot green chilis.
Olive oil's good, but we're not doing gourmet today.
So here, we've got a delicious fish's head sandwich for you.
HARRY KIM: Mmm.
DAVID CHOE: Mmm.
HARRY KIM: Send it over.
DAVID CHOE: With green chilis.
All right.
Who doesn't like Tang.
Tang is the astronaut drink made for astronauts, used in
space, delicious on a summer day with water.
You never think Tang and Wonder Bread.
But boy, you're in for a special treat right now.
When I've got for you today--
Tang balls.
And what are Tang balls?
Exactly what it sounds like.
A delicious, tangy, sweet, delicious, after-dinner
dessert treat.
Gets the fish oil taste out of your mouth.
Gets the peanut butter taste out of your mouth.
Delicious.
Never tasted anything like it.
Bon appetit, America.
Bon appetit,
Here we are at the Mississippi River.
We've traveled the state so far by car,
automobiles, and trains.
And we're really liking the look of this river.
This dirty, amazing, fucking river.

Hello, Old Miss.
M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. I'm pretty sure we just crossed
over somewhere over the state line.
We couldn't get a ride so we just walked and hiked, it's
hot outside, from Memphis into the state line for
Mississippi.
And we are on one of the back roads.
You can heard the harmonica music in
the background somewhere.
We'll try to catch a boat on the river, we'll see.
Looks like the jungle.