D2L - Brian 'Head' Welch - Testimony

Uploaded by Death2LifeRevolution on 26.01.2011

My name is Brian Head Welch and I used to be in the band Korn and I just love music.
I love it, I love the emotion of it, I love the sound, I love just everything, how it
makes me feel, and my whole life is about music and I'm just grateful I've been given
the gift of music. I started playing guitar when I was 10 years old. I was listening to
8-track tapes and there was a drumroll that on one of the songs went (drumming sounds)
and I was like "Oh!" and something sparked in me and I was like "I want to play music."
So I was just, it was like my whole life. Around 15 I started hanging around with Reggie
Arvizu, Fieldy, who's the bass player for Korn, and we started a band right around 15
years old, 16 years old, we started a cheesy little band. The first one was called Pierced.
When I turned around 17 I started going out with this girl who Fieldy introduced me to
and we had a relationship for a couple years. But I always had this anger problem and around
a year into the relationship I started being controlling and everything and she ended up
breaking up with me when I was 19. And that's the first time I felt suicidal, I felt like
ending it all, killing myself. It shattered me, you know, and I was sitting here, having
suicidal thoughts. A little bit later after that, the guys who would later become Korn,
most of them - Munky, David, Fieldy - they had this other band. They were just teenagers,
you know, they're 19, David was 16, they moved to LA. They were down there when I got my
heart shattered and I was suicidal. And they were like "Man, you need to, you need to get
away from Bakersfield, you need to come live with us." So I ended up moving to Burbank
with all the guys - three of the guys that would later become Korn. Just this chemistry
started like the first hour we were together, we were like "Wow." It wasn't no superband
or nothing but it was like something is going on here. What we did is we started writing
music and around that time we started getting into drugs a little bit. I did meth a couple
times but like it turned into an every weekend, like I'd stay up all three days. And it was
just really dark and a couple of the, like three of the other guys got into it, too.
And we went on an 8 month, like kind of a binge. We started, we were playing LA around
then, you know, and then these record companies were coming out. Epic Records, they stepped
up, offered us a deal, and man, we just, we went full force. It's like, it's crazy because
when I was 12, 13, I had this dream of being a rock star and being this musician. I just
wanted to make songs that people would sing, you know, that people would like and it would
touch. Here I was, with my best friends and a year later we had a record deal. It was
like a dream coming, like, it was like falling out of the sky into my lap. And finally that
day came, I got $40,000. We had finished our album, our first recording of our first album,
it was getting press, and I woke up to this rumbling sound outside, it was the tour bus
engine. And I got up and just, life was changing for me right then, my career and traveling,
everywhere, began that day. We started selling 3000 copies a week, from 1000 to 3000, then
we got to tour with Ozzie Osborne. Our album went gold on that tour, 500,000, our first
album. It just was taking off, man, and I'm like, I'm riding this wave of success, and
it just kept going and I was tripping out. And our second record came out and it entered
number 3, you know, on Billboard, and it's like, number 3 - that's crazy, the top 10
of all albums. And I'm like going "Oh, my gosh." But we party, we kept partying, you
know, and I was like, medicated the whole time, just like, I wasn't myself, ever, because
I was this guy that was always drinking. And when the third record came out it went - you
can't go any higher - it went to the top of the charts and like, the dreams beyond dreams
came true. We ended up having so much money that we had 5 band buses. I had my own band
bus with my own security guard and it was just crazy, man, like everything I wanted
I got. But the partying was just, I mean, we're not talking about like a party after
the MTV awards and a party in LA after we play there, I'm talking every night we had
a party. I would try to hide from the party sometimes and just go in my bus, but I always
had to drink because I didn't feel - like I felt sick if I didn't drink, so I had to
put alcohol in me. It didn't fulfill what I thought it would, I thought that I would
be fulfilled, I thought that I would be like "Okay, this is it, I'm a king now" you know
"I made it, my dream came true." I just kept feeling like this isn't what life is about
or there's got to be more. And I didn't know what that more was, but I started sinking
into a depression, like, because I was at the top and it didn't give me what I wanted,
you know. I was like what am I going to get, more money? I've already got a few million,
like, I've got everything I want, I've got the car I want, I've got the house I want.
Me and my wife, we tried to have a normal marriage but we both liked to party and we
both weren't comfortable in our own skin, we both needed a mask to hide behind, and
to do something to feel like that person that we wanted to be. We had a child, her name
is Jennea and she was awesome, our lives changed and we were so happy. But our addictions didn't,
couldn't stay gone for long, even with that, you know, it was too much of a lifestyle to
us. And we thought "We'll keep it under control." I started getting into meth a little bit again,
too, you know, but I would do it like, once, and then do it, like 4 months later, or whatever.
And my wife at the time actually got hooked on it really bad when my daughter was like,
2. I got a call from her mom saying to go home and get Jennea because Rebecca's in a
bad state, that's my ex-wife, Rebecca. You know, Rebecca's mom told me to go get her,
she wasn't in a good place, so I went home, I hired a nanny to come out, I had my own
tour bus, it was me, my daugher Jennea and the nanny, the tour manager, and my security.
So we just traveled around and did this thing, and I was just trying to get my life together,
and when I got back to Huntington Beach my wife was gone and I was with the kid, I was
a single dad. I was heartbroken for my ex-wife's leaving and I was heartbroken for my kid.
You know I would have barbecues all the time, and pool parties, and just doing 8-balls of
cocaine, just trying not to get too out of control but like, I was risking stuff every
night, like my heartbeat, because I was mixing 8-balls with xanax every night. To me if I
slept then it wasn't that much of a big deal, like that's how my mindset was, so it was
really dangerous, and I did that back and forth for a few years. So I said, you know,
"I'm going to get sober, I'm going to do it, I'm just going to change my life." And I really
tried to change, I got sober, I started working out, I lost, like, a bunch of weight, and
I still wasn't comfortable with me, like I got sober to be healthy, and I still wasn't
comfortable. So I started drinking again, and I fell back into that. In between tours,
around 2003 I was drinking some beer in Bakersfield and I hooked up with this dude and he went
and got some speed. And I was like "Oh, I'll just do it this once." And it turned into
every other weekend, and then every weekend, and then I remember the summer hit where we
were on tour with Ozzie Osborne again I was hooked on methamphetamines worse than ever.
Every single day I bought stacks of 8-balls like that in my house. And, I carried it on
tour, we had to go to Canada and I'd stuff it - like, nobody knew, not even my best friends
knew, because I was such a closet user. That was rock bottom for me. And I came home after
all that madness, I'd made it through, and I felt like I was a loser. I was addicted
to porn, I was like this closet perverted, nasty, drug-infested, you know, loner, sicko.
I remember just being with my kid, it was around Christmas time and I was still hooked.
But I had these dudes, I was always into this business of making money and building houses,
so I had some other dudes I was making, building houses, buying land and selling land with,
they were Christians, and they didn't talk about nothing like that. I was hanging out
with them, doing real estate deals and stuff, and I was rock bottom, that was it, it was
around Christmas and I was with my daughter, single dad, and my life was just going down.
And those guys invited me to church, the ones I was doing real estate with, and I was like,
"I've got to go and hang around with these guys, because they're positive." So I went
to the church with them one day, I was high on meth, I was, I'd stayed up all night doing
the drugs, I grabbed my daughter in the morning, put my hood on, went to church, and the pastor
just was speaking, man, and he said Jesus was real. And he said if you just hang out
with Him and talk to Him and ask Him into your life, then everything will start to change.
And slowly but surely, I received Christ that day, and I went home and I did drugs, and
I snorted my lines, and I just said "Jesus, you know, if You're real, show me You're real,
change me, give me a new heart, make my daughter - give her a new dad." I prayed it, and within,
long story short, a couple weeks went by and I was just looking at the Bible and I was
still doing the drugs and stuff, a little bit off and on, but I just remember one day
I was sitting in my office and I was like "Is this stuff for real?" It felt like it
was talking to me, you know, like explaining my life in some of the verses and all of a
sudden I just felt this presence come around me, like of love, and it poured into me. I
just felt love, love everywhere, inside and all around me. I felt like it was from another
place that I didn't know nothing about. And it was so real that I decided to call my friend
over to help me. I threw my drugs away, I was done forever, and I was just like, "God,
you know, You're my whole life now, and what do You want me to do?" You know, and I just
felt led to start over, put everything down. I emailed the guys in Korn, "This is me, I'm
quitting, I love you guys, it's done. I wish you guys the best of luck." I changed my whole
life, man, and it's been the best decision I've ever made. I'm excited, man, life - I've
never had a funner life than right now because I'm living not by the systems, like, of the
world, and how the world works, you know, everything's finished, like it says, Jesus
died for our sins, and He went to the cross out of love for us because He needed to, He
needed to die in our place, someone needed to be punished for every human being's of
all, every wrong that's been done, and He was punished for us. And when, right before
He died He said "It is finished." And then, you know, He rose again three days later.
But, it's all done now, He's taken care of everything I've done wrong in the past, wiped
clean, everything I do today wrong, wiped clean, and everything I do in the future is
wiped totally clean. And if I stay in love with Him and stay chasing Him, and just following
Him, praying to Him, I'm a perfect human being. I don't act perfect, but because of Him I'm
a perfect human being, and anybody that's listening to this, if you follow Jesus for
the rest of your life, you in God's eyes are perfect because His sacrifice and blood on
the cross is cleansing you from everything, and in God's eyes you're perfect, and it doesn't
matter, it's finished. And all you've got to do is love God, love Jesus man, it's so
simple, you know. So, I'm stoked. At first you're like "This guy's nuts, this guy's crazy,
what does he think, you can't see Jesus" but you know. You know because you start to fall
in love with your Creator, God. It says in the Bible that God is love. Inside of you
comes alive, and God, as you're faithful, as you're true, and as you mean business and
you stay with God and pray to Him and just talk to Him and basically share your life
like you would someone that you really love. And then He starts to, like, pour His affections
on you and you can feel it inside of you and it's like, it just takes over, man, and it's
like, you know, and I'm talking about this love, and it's real, and it's rich and it's
deep, but I'm still, like I'm not all weird, I'm not like, you know, some flower child,
you know. Like, I'm still a nut, I'm still a clown with my friends and play like (growling)
heavy music, and I am who I am. But in my private life I've got this relationship with
the divine being of love, and it's like, it empowers me to do everything I do in my life.
And it's the biggest, best high you've ever experienced, man, because it's real, and it
never leaves.