ROMNEY VS. THE GOP! (@JohnFugelsang/Caffeinated #5)

I was watching FOX News, cos I'm a thinker. And I was shocked to hear all
these conservatives who are still calling Governor Mitt Romney a flip-flopper.
Look, I understand how he got the rap; it's true that the man does change
positions like a yoga teacher on tainted meth. He supported Planned
Parenthood, now wants to ban it; a health-care mandate is his pre-existing
condition, now he despises that - and he was pro-gay equality, then against it,
then for it, now he’s against gay equality - which means it'll take 3 years before
he can claim he was always for it. So yes, on the surface he's a flip-flopper.
At times I’ve even called him Reversible Mittens. But when you look at his
history, a clear consistent pattern emerges, and that it – this is a man who
has always been willing to say, do or believe anything to get elected. And in that
sense my friends, he has been a consistent and constant human windsock for
his entire career. I would submit to you that the real GOP flip
floppers are the GOP voting base.
Our Republican friends went through 7 different front-runners in one very short
2012 primary race.
Remember when the campaign began with Mitt Romney as the front runner? -
but whereas Obama is the man the GOP loves to hate, Mitt's the guy they really
hate to love. Plus, he’s so stiff every time I watch him it feels like I’m witnessing
gay porn. So the next frontrunner was the person who
bought the… who won the Iowa Straw Poll -Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann.
I was rooting for her big time, because I’m a comedian - America's finally
ready for a President who believes Rwanda was JJ's sister on "Good Times." And
I love Michelle Bachmann because she sees both sides of a complex issue
– she’s opposed to gay marriage, and in one. She promised if she
became President, she would ban pornography and defend the First Amendment.
If Michelle Bachmann doesn’t want people watching pornography, she should
appear in it. Then the next front runner became Texas Governor
Rick Perry. If you thought George W. Bush was too cerebral, Rick Perry
is the man who thinks "Arab Spring" is a Saudi deodorant. I enjoyed his
campaign; especially for how much Mitt Romney and Rick Perry totally despised
each other. These two men hated each other so much they could both sing lead
in The Eagles. But I didn’t come here to make fun of Rick Perry or kick him
when he’s down. I’m just here to deny him clemency.
So then the polls began to favor businessman Herman Cain- who almost became
the first black man to get another black man re-elected president. But the Cain
Train went off the tracks because the Conductor couldn't stop chasing caboose,
so for a very brief time we saw a surge of... Congressman Ron Paul the unstoppable sex machine.
For about twenty minutes there, Ron Paul was the one clear frontrunner.
I would love it if Ron Paul ran for lawless Old West Cattle Baron. I would vote
for him in a second to be mayor of Deadwood. Ron Paul, I love you – you can
follow Jesus, or you can follow Ayn Rand- but you don't get to follow both.
Which led to the rise of Newt Gingrich- The world's least likable man in the
world's biggest popularity contest. Of course, Newt couldn't find high ground with
a sherpa, and every time he talked about running a positive campaign, an angel
coughed up blood. And so the last front runner of the race became
former Senator Rick Santorum, a man who hates gay guys but loves wearing pastel-colored
sweater vests. In fact, every major GOP candidate got to
be front runner, with the exception of Jon Huntsman. Now John Huntsman happens to
be a fine man, but his campaign was so depressing Sarah McLachlan
did infomercials to keep it from being euthanized.
So I ask you my friends, who's more inconsistent? The man who's consistently
flipped more than a crackhouse mattress, or the primary voters who had 7
different favorites in the same race? And they say gay guys are promiscuous?
Thanks for watching “Caffeinated”. Don’t forget to leave a comment below, and if
you’re an angry Republican guy, please make it really hate-filled with lots of ugly,
vulgar profanity and spelling errors, and put your apostrophes in the wrong place,
ok? Girls like that. Also, like and share this video, and be sure to subscribe up
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Facebook, we’ll see you next time – until then, I’m John Fugelsang reminding you
that if God didn’t like gay men, foreskins, or cannabis, he’d stop creating so damn
much of all three.