Paris Hilton and Hope Solo


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 27.07.2012

Transcript:

RANDY SKLAR: Today on the show, Paris
Hilton and Hope Solo.
JASON SKLAR: It's the Tweekly News and it's coming at you
like balls at your face.
BOTH: Look out!
RANDY SKLAR: Hey, welcome to the Tweekly News, the only
inappropriate thing Fred Willard
watches on the Internet.
JASON SKLAR: I'm Jason Sklar.
RANDY SKLAR: And I'm Randy Sklar.
JASON SKLAR: And feel free to follow us.
We are @Sklarbrothers
RANDY SKLAR: Now we're here taking time out from
distributing condoms at the Olympic village.
JASON SKLAR: You know, an unwanted pregnancy is the
biggest obstacle to a young woman getting a gold in
rhythmic gymnastics.
RANDY SKLAR: And saber individual fencing.
JASON SKLAR: So true, Rand.
Because not only do you lose your individual status, that's
the worst way to get an amnio.
RANDY SKLAR: That is a sharp point.
JASON SKLAR: All right.
Let's to kick things off a little @reply where we reply
directly to foolish people's foolish tweets.
RANDY SKLAR: This week the Parisian Hilton tweeted this
deep thought, "Don't cry over the past, it's gone.
Don't stress about the future, it hasn't arrived.
Live in the present and make it beautiful."
When did Paris start writing the copy on
lululemon tote bags?
JASON SKLAR: Uh, when she was fired from Carl's Jr. for
mouth molesting that cheeseburger.
BOTH: Don't bother her, she's mouth molesting it.
RANDY SKLAR: Now we poke fun at Paris, but her Twitter
wisdom is strikingly similar to the tweets of-- wait for
it-- the Dalai Lama.
That's why it's time now to play--
BOTH: Hilton or Lama?
PARIS HILTON: That's hot.
RANDY SKLAR: Here's how it works.
I read a tweet and J, you have to decide whether it was
authored by Paris Hilton or the Dalai Lama.
JASON SKLAR: Love this.
Used to play this when I was a kid.
RANDY SKLAR: Really because I was a kid when you were a kid.
I don't remember--
JASON SKLAR: It was before your time.
RANDY SKLAR: Five minutes before my time?
JASON SKLAR: You know, a lot of things
happened five minutes--
RANDY SKLAR: OK.
Here we go, J. "A calm mind is good for our physical health,
but it also enables us to see things more realistically."
JASON SKLAR: I'm going to go Lama.
[BELL DINGING]
RANDY SKLAR: You are correct, sir.
How about this one?
JASON SKLAR: OK.
RANDY SKLAR: "Don't move too quickly through life & miss
out on the small quiet moments--
they often are the most important."
JASON SKLAR: That is vintage, zen Paris.
[BELL DINGING]
RANDY SKLAR: Nice, J.
PARIS HILTON: That's hot.
JASON SKLAR: Thank you very much.
RANDY SKLAR: Next one, "A good way to work for a more
peaceful world is to develop concern for others."
JASON SKLAR: OK, this is tough, because my heart is
saying Paris, but my loins are saying Lama.
I'm going with Lama.
RANDY SKLAR: Show me Lama.
[BELL DINGING]
MALE SPEAKER: Yes!
RANDY SKLAR: You are really good at this.
JASON SKLAR: Ran, I'm great at it.
RANDY SKLAR: You up for one more?
JASON SKLAR: That'd be hot.
RANDY SKLAR: Stop it.
JASON SKLAR: OK.
RANDY SKLAR: "Dazzle, my newest fragrance, is
sparkling, brilliant, and multi-faceted!
It smells divine!"
JASON SKLAR: OK, this one is definitely the Dalai Lama.
Dude's been talking about launching a spiritual Drakkar
ever since he was exiled from Tibet.
I'm going Lama.
[BUZZER]
MALE SPEAKER: D'oh!
JASON SKLAR: Oh!
RANDY SKLAR: See, I would've been fooled by that one too.
Surprisingly, that was Paris Hilton.
OK.
Last one, J, this is an easy one.
I know you're going to get this.
OK, ready?
JASON SKLAR: All right.
Yeah.
RANDY SKLAR: Nicole Richie is such a two-faced [BLEEP].
JASON SKLAR: Obviously Paris Hilton.
[BUZZER]
RANDY SKLAR: Actually, that was the Dalai Lama.
JASON SKLAR: What?
RANDY SKLAR: He's still pissed at her for making that catty
comment about his robe.
JASON SKLAR: Oh, I totally forgot about that.
RANDY SKLAR: I'll tell you something, he's never
gonna forget it.
JASON SKLAR: No he's not.
RANDY SKLAR: Hey, thanks for playing
BOTH: Hilton or Lama?
PARIS HILTON: That's hot.
JASON SKLAR: All right folks, it's time to
get your learn on.
It's time to relearn.
JASON SKLAR: Just like Ex helps people relearn life
without cigarettes with its free quit plan, we re-learned
this week that Twitter is already a winner
at the London Olympics.
JASON SKLAR: That's right, Ran.
In the four years since Beijing, Twitter has grown
from six million users to more than 140 million.
RANDY SKLAR: I think that number was so low back in '08
because of China's one Twitter handle per family policy.
JASON SKLAR: Hey, can girls tweet in China?
RANDY SKLAR: No.
But a lot of Americans are adopting their Twitter feeds.
JASON SKLAR: That's true.
It's a beautiful thing.
You know there were more tweets about the Olympics on a
single day last week than during the entire 2008 games.
RANDY SKLAR: Which means this Olympics, millions of fans
will get real time results of Hope Solo's urine samples.
JASON SKLAR: Well, the votes are in.
It's time for 2012 in 140.
RANDY SKLAR: This week, the Mitt Romney campaign was
accused of buying Twitter followers after his account
mysteriously spiked by more than 135,000 in two days.
JASON SKLAR: The campaign denies any financial
wrongdoing.
And if there's one thing you can count on for Mitt Romney,
it's fiscal transparency.
RANDY SKLAR: Analysts became suspicious when all of
Romney's new Twitter followers had offshore Twitter accounts.
JASON SKLAR: Wait a minute.
When did this become an episode of The Newsroom?
RANDY SKLAR: When we started caring about doing a real
Twitter news show here, J. We have an obligation to civilize
the Twitterverse.
JASON SKLAR: Have I ever told you my theory about--
RANDY SKLAR: Shut up, J. All right?
There are people literally getting beaten on the streets
of Cairo and our Twitter guy, we haven't heard from him on
the ground in 36 hours.
[SLAPPING]
RANDY SKLAR: Ow!
JASON SKLAR: Snap out of it, Rand!
RANDY SKLAR: All right.
Before we log off, it's time for tweets to re-tweet.
JASON SKLAR: Where we highlight tweets from people
we follow who we think you should follow too.
RANDY SKLAR: A long time SNL and 30 Rock writer, the
hilarious Paula Pell, tweeted this unique visual perspective
on animal health care.
"The weirdest part of a dog gynecologist's office is the
four stirrups."
JASON SKLAR: Well how else are they going to
give her a pup smear?
RANDY SKLAR: Oh, J. That pun was painful.
JASON SKLAR: Is it worse than a pup smear?
RANDY SKLAR: No.
Nothing is worse than a pup smear.
It's so invasive.
JASON SKLAR: It's really intense.
Hey, thanks for checking out the Tweekly News.
and don't forget follow @thetweeklynews.
RANDY SKLAR: And for more of all this nonsense, go to
becomeanex.orgg/starved.
slash Sklar.
For exclusive content, outtakes and more.
BOTH: Hilton or Lama?
RANDY SKLAR: Quiz questions.
JASON SKLAR: I feel like the Lama doesn't like to RT.
RANDY SKLAR: Uh-uh.
JASON SKLAR: He will not give it up for anyone.
RANDY SKLAR: Whereas Paris--
JASON SKLAR: She'll give it up for everyone.
RANDY SKLAR: Yes she will.
RANDY SKLAR: And our Twitter guy on the ground, he hasn't
tweeted in 36 hours!
JASON SKLAR: Randy!
[CLAPPING HANDS]
RANDY SKLAR: Oh.

Snap out of it.