Beth of the week - 8/10/12 (Full Ep)

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BETH HOYT: It's the weekend calling.
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BETH HOYT: Hi, you guys.
It's the end of the week, and that usually is a cool thing.
But today that means they we're closer to
the end of the Olympics.
I'm going to go through some major withdrawal.
I mean, OK, so what do I have to look forward to?
What's coming up?
Let's see.
The school year's coming up.
I am not in school.
I'm going to a wedding this weekend.
Not my own, not nearly my own.
OK, what am I going to talk with you guys about when the
Olympics are over?

We'll cross that bridge when we get there, OK?
I'm sure I'll Hoyt myself again or something.
Now, did you have a good week?
Did you watch the show?
Did you see my ribbon dancing?
Did you see me tell some embarrassing stories?
Did you see John Benjamin's shin dildo?
OK, don't worry.
We've got all the highlights.
Here you go.
It's the Beth of the week.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Do your best Mick Jagger.
Well, you know I have a great one.
So let me see.
It's just like a lot of teeth, and I'm thinner, and like
bones in my face, and also like that I'm kind of Tim
Curry, right?
So I'm like, I can't get no!
Guess what?
He's really here , you guys.
Sorry.
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, that's unnecessary.
FEMALE SPEAKER: The last hurdle looks high.
How do you look when you're going over it?
Oh, like this.
BETH HOYT: So the hurdle looks higher than you think.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Oh, that's so good.
I'm surprised.
I've never seen you.
This is a surprise.
JON BENJAMIN: Yes.
I am-- uh, I am bald, yes.
BETH HOYT: All right in this envelope,
the official winners.

OK, it's in this one, in this one.
Yes.
JON BENJAMIN: Nice, nice,
BETH HOYT: I can roll it up--
this is so gross--
and do a little nothing.
Isn't that disgusting?
I win the pageant.

Do I get a song?
JON BENJAMIN: [SINGING]
There she is.
Miss My Damn Channel Grand Supreme Belle Grande.

BETH HOYT: Here's a scene from
"Chin Dildo." [CRYING]
JON BENJAMIN: Charlotte, maybe I'm pushing away because I'm
afraid I'm going to fail.
CHARLOTTE: So don't push me away.
JON BENJAMIN: Come here.

CHARLOTTE: I love you, babe.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: I have a little something else for you guys to
toss you into the weekend.
Maybe you enjoy seeing people struggling with life, in which
case consider this your first cocktail of the weekend.
We've got Donny Hoyle in a brand new place, mentally and
physically, but always struggling, just
the way we like him.
It's a new episode of "You Suck at Photoshop."
DONNIE HOYLE: My name is Donnie and "You Suck at
Photoshop." And every second somewhere in the world, a
child is born and covered in afterbirth.
Ejecta knows more about Photoshop than you do.
How does that feel?
About right.
You have challenged your nemesis to a dual and amateur
cage match in an octagon, and he has taken up your challenge
and picked up your gauntlet, and this is happening.
And you know that this is the right thing to do because it's
the only way to prove to your soulmate that your love is
pure, your intentions are good, and that together,
forever in eternity, you shall be one as it was written.

And if you have to get your face mashed in Greco-Roman
style, it's the right thing to do.
But before you get into the cage and throw your life into
those meat stick hands, you want to bad ass yourself.
And so you want to get a tattoo.
And so we've downloaded some tattoo art and what we want to
do is put a name here, a bad ass name that says TCOB,
Taking Care Of Beeswax.
You have made a terrible mistake
getting into this ring.
And so we've made a call out to our network to get a name
with the inspiration around, hey, if I were to say I'm a
guy that can serve somebody their ass, what would that be?
And so we've got--
this hadn't quite hit the mark.
It's not bad.
Ass giver, and then maybe just take one of these, you know,
like maybe the Ass-giver of Dreams.
So we're going to do is we're going to go back into
Photoshop, and we're going to use a tool that you haven't
touched since I tried to teach it to you 4 and 1/2 years ago.
This tool, which you probably look at and say,
what is that tool?
Is it the calligraphy tool?
Something I would make wedding invitations with?
And the answer is no.
Click.
It's the Pen tool.
And you're going to click and make a path, click and drag
and make a Bezier path.
We're going to do it like this.
This is a tool that every morning an Adobe employee
wakes up on a pile of money, covered in strippers, and says
hey, thanks, universe of stupids, for giving me $1,100
for something that you never use.
We're going to grab the Type tool, and when you hover over
the path, the Type tool changes into this.
See how great this interface is?
Thanks.
Thanks, computer scientist guys.
That's great.
We're going to click that, and this little bobble thing here,
again, just you're going to have to click the Command key
and hold onto that, and click with your mouse and drag it
over so that we can extend across the entire line.
Our text is set to Align Center, so we
can just start typing.
Oh, and if that happens, it's on the other side, you have to
do the clicky thing again and lift it up so
that it's up on top.
The Ass-giver of Dreams.
It made more sense before.
Now, if we run a space there, we're going to have to drop
the type size and actually we want to get
kind of that meathead--
the kind of type that's on those T-shirts that you see at
Walmart that tough guys wear now.
And we want to lower that down.
And now we have to grab--
this is just terrible.
And then now we've got that, and that's pretty good.
And so if you want, you can Command-T, and size that up,
and mess around with it until it fits in there.
And then what you're going to do is you can either print
that out and send it to-- or you can, if your tattoo artist
is a little more digitally savvy, you can save it as a
JPEG and email it to them.
[PHONE RINGING]
DONNIE HOYLE: Hello?
CHILD SPEAKER: Daddy?
DONNIE HOYLE: Now, look.
Listen, I'm not your daddy, OK?
CHILD SPEAKER: Daddy?
DONNIE HOYLE: I know it's difficult for you to
understand.
We've had these conversations, and I know the people from the
court have also tried to explain this to you.
I cannot be your father.
It's probably going to go over your head, but at some point,
somebody needs to tell you that people, men, have fuzzy
drop'ems, and yours are fuzzy up'ems because it's not part
of your journey yet.
But inside these things, there are little guys
that are sort of--
imagine them to be like little Mighty Morphin Power Rangers,
and every everybody's fuzzy drop'ems has these Mighty
Morphin Power Rangers.
But some are mighty, and they morph, and they are powerful,
and they do their job.
But my fuzzy drop'ems have the yellow Mighty Morphin Power
Rangers who stinks.
Do you understand?
CHILD SPEAKER: I like robots.
DONNIE HOYLE: I like robots, too.
Listen, listen.
It's just you're barking up the wrong tree.
CHILD SPEAKER: You rock at Photoshop.
DONNIE HOYLE: I know.
Thank you.
And actually, I've seen through court-ordered
documents your talents as well.
And it just sometimes makes me wonder why it couldn't have
been that somebody who's so talented in Photoshop and
likes robots couldn't have been my son.
CHILD SPEAKER: OK.
DONNIE HOYLE: Somebody that--
the only person who's as good at Photoshop as me
couldn't be my son.
CHILD SPEAKER: I'm going to make poops and eat peanut
M&Ms.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: That's it for today's show.
I hope you have a great weekend.
Let's all cherish this time with our televisions, or our
Olympic apps, or just word of mouths, did you hear or sees
about the Olympics.
And then let's talk about it on Monday, and I'll be looking
at your comments that day.
And on Wednesday, we have a really big show planned with
Dan Rollman from Recordsetter officiating, as Chris Gethard
and his cohorts and I compete for world records in rejected
Olympic sports.
It's going to be awesome.
There's also going to be a closing ceremony.
I can't wait.
Have a great weekend.
Don't forget to subscribe and thank you for watching.

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