[Karl:] Aah... Feel that sizzle.
Nothin' beats summertime.
No school,
pool parties up the wazoo,
and ice cream till ya puke.
the only part of summer that sucks balls
is getting that summer job.
and it brings us to the Life Lesson of the Day.
Seventeen-year-old-Karl was the shit.
Long flowing hair,
muscles sculpted out of rock,
and a moustache that would cold-cock your mom straight in the bean bag.
but, I was also flat broke
and my parents had just kicked me out because I broke curfew.
Or because I shot a porno in the basement.
Anyway,
I needed cash real bad so it was time to get that summer job.
Mowed lawns, washed cars, was a drug mule,
sold lemonade, fought cats, taught bats,
and caught the clap.
I managed to get fired from every single job that first day.
I personally think it was because all my bosses were assholes.
But honestly it was probably because I shot all those pornos.
One day, after getting fired from my pool cleaning job,
I saw an ad for a life guard position and I knew it was the one.
You get to bake in the sun all day,
lotion up all the lovely ladies,
and stomp sand castles 'till your heart's content.
I was feelin' pretty good on my first day.
I hadn't gotten fired yet,
I resisted the urge to shoot a porno,
and I successfully beached a crapload of whales!
But that good feelin' didn't last long.
I could hear cries for help comin' from the water.
Some dude was drowning and it was up to me to save him.
So I hiked up my shorts,
stomped on a sand castle,
and dove into the water.
It was at this point that I remembered that I couldn't swim,
and had a paralyzing fear of seaweed,
because I sunk to the bottom like an unbeached whale.
As death creeped in,
I contemplated starting my new life on the ocean floor.
I could grow a set of gills,
find a sweet hermit crab shell to live in,
and for a job, I thought I could open up one of those home-made candle shops.
Maybe it was the lack of oxygen to the brain,
but I spotted a pretty hot jellyfish across the way.
I started to think, maybe one day we'd get married
and take our little mutant karlyfish kids out for pizza
and whatever the hell jellyfish eat.
Bubbles?
I dunno. Let's go with bubbles.
Anyway,
my dream was cut short when a real lifeguard pulled me ashore
pumped some starfish out of my lungs,
and told me I was fired.
I told him that was bullshit 'cuz I hadn't even filmed a porno yet!
Then he pointed to the dead guy I was supposed to save.
I was like, "My bad,"
so I kicked a sand castle in his face and headed to Mexico.
So I think you get the point for today's life lesson.
I know I usually mix around the words here, but I am serious.
I am dangerously irresponsible.
Well, it's time to finish off this base tan with a nice golden brown in the oven.
Fifteen minutes at 325 ought to do it.
So, until next time, I'll leave you with
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
But you know who's right even more?
A working clock.
