MOTLEY CRUE BY FLORENCE HENDERSON & ALAN ZWEIBEL - Celebrity Autobiography

ALAN ZWEIBEL: I will be reading from the autobiography
of Motley Crue--
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: The Dirt.
This chapter was written by Tommy Lee.

New Years Eve.
I went out with some of my best bros to
a club called Sanctuary.
A waitress came over and said, Tommy here's a shot of
Goldschlager.
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: It's for you from--

FLORENCE HENDERSON: Pamela Anderson.
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Pamela Anderson?
Is she here?
I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed her before?
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: I see.

Her teeth practically glowed through her
lips when she laughed.
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Hey Pamela, I'm Tommy, I said suavely.

Suavely.
I needed to recover from such a stupid line.
Then I grabbed her face and just licked the side of it
from chin to temple.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FLORENCE HENDERSON: [LAUGH]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: I licked Florence Henderson, OK.
I called her hotel at 4:59--
FLORENCE HENDERSON: What?
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Whoa, wait a second, oh.
Where am I?
Oh yeah, I just licked you, didn't I?
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Yes.
Would you like to do that again?
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Yes.
Oh yeah, here.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: [LAUGH]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: I was on ecstasy, so it was all good.

FLORENCE HENDERSON: I think you're on it now, Tommy.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: You see, on ecstasy, Joan Rivers looks
like Pamela Anderson.
So you can imagine what Pamela Anderson looked like.
After six weeks of this telephonic fucking cock
teasing, I finally got the message I've been waiting for.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Tommy, damn, you're not there.
It's Pamela.
I've got 24 hours to play.
And I want to play--
[LAUGHTER]
with you.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: I was so fucking psyched, dude.
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: My experience with Heather Locklear had
taught me that clean-cut actress chicks want a bad boy.
So I put on my dirtiest fucking leather pants.

I slipped into an old T-shirt that stank of BO.
[LAUGHTER]
And I didn't bother to shave or shower.
Remember?
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Yes, I do.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: I did brush my teeth, though.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Oh, well, that's OK then.
[LAUGH]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: I called her hotel at 4:59 PM.
I couldn't wait.
The receptionist said Pamela Anderson hadn't arrived yet.
Arrggh.
[LAUGHTER]
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Are you a pirate or Tommy Lee?
ALAN ZWEIBEL: If you want me to.
I left messages at her pad, at her friends' houses
everywhere, I was just hunting her down
like a fucking stalker.
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Finally, just before 10:00 PM, Pamela picked
up the phone.
She wasn't even at the fucking hotel.
She was at home.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: I'm walking out the door.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: What do you mean?
FLORENCE HENDERSON: I'm taking a plane to Cancun tonight.
I have to be there for a photo shoot tomorrow morning.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Oh really?
What about me?
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Oh no.
We were supposed to get together tonight, right?
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Yeah, I think so.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Listen, when I get back--
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Can't we get together before then?
FLORENCE HENDERSON: I promise.
I promise, OK?
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Can't we get together before then?
FLORENCE HENDERSON: No, no, no.
Don't even think about it.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: What do you mean?
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Don't even think about--
coming.

I have a lot of work to do.
They've got me booked for 18-hour days.
And there's no time to play.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: OK, it's cool.
Have fun.
I'll talk to you when you get back.
I hung up the phone, called two of my friends, and said,
pack your bags, we are going to Cancun.
I called every hotel on the strip searching for her.
The sixth hotel on my list was the Ritz Carlton.
When they said a Pamela Henderson--
Anderson, was staying there--
[LAUGHTER]
FLORENCE HENDERSON: I think he likes me.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: I practically wet myself with excitement.
[LAUGHTER]
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Do you wear diapers?
You're always wet.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Yeah, I practically wet myself with
excitement.
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Back to the book.
We've hung out every fucking night after that.
One morning, we decided that we had been serious and asked
the hotel to find someone to perform a marriage ceremony.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: We gave blood--
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Sniffed out a marriage license--
FLORENCE HENDERSON: And were on the beach in our swim
trunks getting married before the day was over.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: That's right.
Instead of wedding bands, we went for something a little
bit more permanent.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Tattoos of each others
names around our fingers.
[LAUGHTER]
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Next morning, we boarded the
plane back to Los Angeles.
And the closer we came, the harder reality
began to hit us.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Where are we going?
Do you want to go to your house or mine?
ALAN ZWEIBEL: I got a place in Malibu.
Right on the beach.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: OK, then we're going to your house.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: This was, this was real.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: We--
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Were married.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Were married.
ALAN ZWEIBEL: Tommy Lee.
FLORENCE HENDERSON: Pamela Anderson Lee.
[APPLAUSE]