Noah's Ark-God, Giraffes & Genocide

Uploaded by TheThinkingAtheist on Feb 6, 2010

The Thinking Atheist presents.... Noah's Ark: A Story of God, Giraffes and Genocide.
This is the scriptural account of The Great FloodÖa worldwide event of catastrophic proportions
known specifically for leaving behind absolutely no geological evidence.
This story is also known by its overseas title, ìDrowning Your Children When They Donít
Behave,î now available in fine bookstores everywhere.
Our story begins in the book of Genesis, where God noticed that every single person on the
face of the earth had somehow become evil. YesÖeverybody, even babies, virgins, the
deaf and blind, RepublicansÖall evil. God ignored the fact that He was the one who
started this fiasco, and He decided that the whole thing was just a huge mess, and perhaps
it was time to get rid of the whole thing and start over.
The good news? There was one man who was righteous and blameless , so Noah and his family were
told to build the worldís largest life raft, known from that day forward as ìThe Ark.î
God has a thing for arks. In fact, another biblical account involving mass death and
destruction involved The Ark of the Covenant, but we havenít time for that gruesome little
story, so letís push on. God told Noah to build an ark out of cypress
trees and pitchÖ450-feet long- quite an undertaking for a guy who was 600 years old.
Fortunately, his sons, Shem, Ham and Japeth were conceived when Noah was 500 years old,
so Noah was obviously vigorous enough for, umÖwellÖphysical activity, if you know what
I mean. Then, God commanded Noah to gather up two
of every living thing and place them inside the ark. For some reason, God changed that
number to seven in the following chapter . However, if youíve actually read the bible,
you know that Godís not much for consistency, so weíll stick with ìtwoî and act like
we werenít listening. SoÖNoah went about personally gathering up
tens of thousands of animal species. Of course, itís unclear how a 600-year-old man in the
Middle East, traveling on foot, was able to walk thousands of miles to secure and transport
animals from other continents Ösafely across oceans, rainforests, deserts and arctic permafrost
to his floating zoo: Siberian wolves, penguins, baboons, crocodiles, anacondas, South American
tree frogs, beavers, polar bears, reindeer, etc.
And even if these non-desert-dwelling creatures survived, how would they all fit inside the
ark? Some experts estimate the number of animal species to have been in the millions, but
even if you believe the biblical argument of a few thousand "kinds" of!
That's one bloated boat! What about the specialized diets each animal
species would require? Bamboo shoots for the giant pandas. Fresh meat for the carnivores.
Plant life for the herbivores. How did they keep the animals' muscles from
withering away after five months in a confined space with no exercise? What about the predator
and prey animals being housed in the same space? Where was the food stored, and how
was it kept from spoiling? Who cleaned out the tons of manure every day? How was the
waste disposed of in a stadium-sized boat with only one window?
Ah! Öbut you make a fatal mistake! Youíve just been caught in the actÖof using logic.
Itís perfectly understandableÖbut please... donít let it happen again.
Then God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights, which means the flood waters were fresh waters,
which wouldíve mixed with the salt waters, creating a mixture deadly to all marine life.
So in that case, since there probably werenít any sharks, tuna and puffer fish inside the
ark, God apparently gave the fish the ability to hold their breath for half a year.
OhÖthere are some who speculate that the earth vomited up the flood waters from miles
below the earthís crust. Of course, the earth is boiling hot down there, so those flood
waters wouldíve turned the earth into a large CrËme Brulee. Surviving marine life: zero.
One thingís for sure. Everything and everyone on the earth was horribly and violently drowned,
and mankind was destroyed, allowing God to hit CONTROL-ALT-DELETE and do a fresh reboot.
And on the 17th day of the seventh month, the Ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat,
where it would never be discovered, and Noah sent a dove to find landÖwhich seems odd
if he and God were still talking to each other. After allÖGod had a much better view.
Ultimately, after five months afloat, Noah, his wife, his sons and their wives stepped
out of the ark, took long showers and practiced incest to re-populate the earth.
And that's the story of Noah's Ark: God, Giraffes and Genocide: a tantalizing tale of incompetence,
evil, mass murder, animal feces and in-breeding! A great story for the kidsÖand better than
late-night cable TV! The End!