Discworld Noir - Act 1.01

Uploaded by TheRussianGestapo on 28.06.2009

I've had some bad days since I started work as a private investigator
but I've never woken up dead before.
It all started the week before, on a cold and wet Sektober day in Ankh-Morpork,
the oldest and most depraved of all the cities on the Discworld.
But hey,
you've gotta love it.
I'd been working as a P.I. for a little over a month
and business was slow.
Hiring an investigator to look into your business requires trust
and the amount of trust in Ankh-Morpork wouldn't fill a cup.
And it's a small cup I'm talking about.
Sure, people trust that you don't get on the wrong side of the Patrician.
People trust that you don't walk into the Shades alone.
People trust that the Assassin's Guild will fulfil their contracts or double your money back.
Yeah, people even trust Death.
Just don't ask them to trust their mothers.
Woman: Mr. Lewton?
Lewton: If I'm not I should fire the guy who painted the door.
Woman: So this is what a private investigator looks like.
I expected someone more heroic.
Lewton: Heroism costs extra. What can I do for you, Miss...?
Woman: Mrs, actually. And the name is Carlotta.
Lewton: Okay, Mrs. Actually,
Carlotta it is.
What's a girl like you doing out on a night like this? Carlotta: I want to hire you, Mr. Lewton.
Lewton: Please, call me Lewton.
"Mister" sounds so formal.
Carlotta: How much do you charge for a simple investigation?
Lewton: I don't know,
I've never had a "simple" investigation.
A tricky one is twenty a day.
Carlotta: I'll give you two hundred in advance, plus expenses. Lewton: For two hundred I guess I should treat you
with some respect. Carlotta: Oh, I wouldn't ask a guy like you to attempt the impossible. Lewton: What's the case?
Carlotta: I want you to find a man named "Mundy".
Lewton: Why do you want to find Mundy? Carlotta: Do you know him?
Lewton: No. And this case will go a lot faster if you let me ask the questions.
Carlotta: You like to be in control, don't you Lewton?
Lewton: If you don't pull the strings then you're the puppet.
Tell me about you and Mundy.
Carlotta: I've been a lonely woman, Lewton.
Lewton: You amaze me. Carlotta: You'd be surprised.
Lewton: Shocked, maybe.
But not surprised.
Carlotta: Mundy is my lover, Lewton.
Or used to be. He's been away for a while over in Tsort.
He came back to Ankh-Morpork a couple of days ago on the Milka,
but he didn't come to see me. I think he may be having an affair.
You're wondering whether my husband knows about it. Lewton: Actually, I was wondering when you were
going to give me the money.
Carlotta: My husband passed away several years ago. Lewton: I hope the poor guy was smiling at the time.
Is there anything you can tell me about Mundy that might help me find him?
Carlotta: He's got blue eyes, brown hair, and a black heart. You'd like him.
Lewton: Has he got any friends in Ankh-Morpork? Carlotta: Does anyone?
Lewton: How tall is he?
Carlotta: I don't know, I don't picture him standing up.
Lewton: What was Mundy's business in Tsort?
Carlotta: I don't know.
I never asked about his work and he never told me. Lewton: Must be a very straightforward relationship.
Carlotta: As simple as they come.
Lewton: Where can I find the ship he came in on?
Carlotta: Down at the wharf.
Lewton: Have you been there yourself? Carlotta: I avoid places like that. Women and seame-
Lewton: -Er, forget I asked. This is a bad neighborhood for you to come into alone, Carlotta.
Carlotta: I can take care of myself.
Lewton: I believe you.
Carlotta: Good, trust is important.
Lewton: I said I believed you.
I never said I trusted you.
Carlotta: Don't you like me, Lewton?
Lewton: I like a lot of things. I like dogs,
but I wouldn't trust one not to bite me.
Carlotta: I won't bite.
Lewton: Shame. I haven't been bitten
in a long while. I'd better get started on your case.
Where can I contact you?
Carlotta: I'll be in touch. Be seeing you, Lewton.
Lewton (thinks): I hoped I would see her again, because she still hadn't paid me.
Still, it wasn't everyday that a beautiful woman offered me a case.
Frankly, it wasn't often that anybody offered me a case.
And two hundred would certainly help pay the rent,
if I have anything left over from my bar bill.
Sapient Pearwood comes from a plant so magical
that it is totally impervious to all forms of magic
and so valuable that thieves have cut each other's throats to own it.
Unfortunately I couldn't afford a desk made out of it so I made do with pine.
It's a nice desk, though.
I had purchased a large, indexed scroll rack to keep track of all the cases I was going to handle.
The Mundy case made it two.
I could hardly carry the desk around, even if I wanted to.
All I had to do
was track down Mundy and tell Carlotta where he was.
A lot of strange things had happened to me since becoming a private investigator but the weirdest
was the irrepressible sensation that the most important thing for me to own as a P.I. was a door with my name
painted on the glass. Some mysteries are best left unsolved, I guess.
I think we can safely say that the door to my office was just for getting in and out of
my office.
I'd purchased the Imp-powered Coffee Bean Machine from Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler,
the man whose name was the byword for quality.
With CMOT Dibbler your could say "bye" to quality.
I'll say this for the ICBM,
it made coffee strong enough to blow your head off.
On the down side the imp tended to use most of the beans to fuel its own addiction.
Some days the poor thing was so jittery the coffee machine would vibrate off the shelf.
Nothing like a cup of imp-made coffee to make me jittery and paranoid.