Beth of the Week - 9/7/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 07.09.2012

Transcript:
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi guys, it's Friday.
This is My Damn Channel Live.
I'm Beth Hoyt.
And the tan that I got over Labor Day weekend at the lake
is diminishing as we speak.
Ah, it's leaving me.
OK, so you were all away last weekend celebrating the
holiday, and just wearing the crap out of our white pants.
And we didn't have the Beth of the Week last week.
But I was thinking about it, and the only thing that we all
really need to remember, and remember it hard, because this
probably might just get better with age, so long as Nate
doesn't gain any self-confidence, is Daily
Grace, Nate, and I doing "Condom Style."
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Yes.
That was really fun.
You should do that at home, guys.
I can't always say that about the things we do here.
Now if this was your first week of school, or you just
moved into a dorm, congratulations.
I didn't really do anything of note this week.
I watched the Breaking Bad season finale, amazing.
And the True Blood season finale, hate watching.
I used up all of my monthly "what's?" on that episode.
I used them all up.
That's like all I did this, oh wait, I did all of this.

NATE: your word is from
AlbertEinsteinium, and it is magical.
ARTISANAL: Magical?
M-A-G-I-K-A-L.
NATE: correct!
ARTISANAL: Oh!
DAILY GRACE: I'd marry Oprah because of the stability and
the complete lack of sexual chemistry.
She'd just give me money, and then leave me
alone, Steadman style.
And I'd have to kill Dr. Phil, isn't that obvious?
ARTISANAL: So how do you sharpen a pencil?
I just thought you'd stick it in and do the thing
and then it's done.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, me too.
DAVID REES: How old are you?
ARTISANAL: I'm 22.
DAVID REES: OK, that, that explains a lot.
BETH HOYT: Me too.
What if me and my friends all have the same
crush on our teacher?
Surprise, it's illegal for your teacher to like you back.
So, you better stop that crush, real quick.
OK, this one better be it.
Let's see it.
What?
What is?
What?
That's not funny.
ARTISANAL: I think that's how I see yourself.
BETH HOYT: Can you show us a perfectly sharpened pencil?
DAVID REES: I can't.
BETH HOYT: I think--
DAVID REES: Next comment.
BETH HOYT: And then that's it for the time capsule for
today's show.
Umm.
Let's seal it up.
And, done.
ARTISANAL: There we go.

BETH HOYT: Remember when we made that time capsule?
ARTISANAL: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Do you want to see what's inside it?
ARTISANAL: Uh-huh.
BETH HOYT: OK.
When was the last time you wet your pants, Nate?
Was it recently, when you were in bed, and you thought you
were peeing, but you were really just in your bed and
you were in the bathroom?
What is this up here?
Is this your face or did your neck throw up?
Nate, you're going to be alone forever.
F-O-R-E-V-E-R.
ANNOUNCER: Don't do that.
BETH HOYT: Oh no, oh god, oh gosh, you guys.
Say something.
ARTISANAL: And scene.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Wow, really saved by that bell, Nate.
OK.
I love you.

Yeah, so all that happened this week.
I feel good about that.
We also have an extra episode of David Rees, artisinal
pencil sharpener extraordinaire.
You can watch it here, or the link is the description below.
You'll learn a lot, and you'll laugh.
Here's something else to make you laugh.
It's Save The Supers, with Super Force
Versus Online Dating.

ANNOUNCER: Previously on Save The Supers, the Super Force
budget keeps shrinking.
Fleet Foot made a video with some lofty claims.
FLEET FOOT: The world's fastest man.
ANNOUNCER: Merman was super bummed to see Elementra
sucking face with the teacher.
Will he ever get laid, Jesus Christ.
Find out now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]
ELEMENTRA: We're recruiting off Hero Date now?
MERMAN: Ahh.
ELEMENTRA: Oh, you've using Hero Date.
Well that's cool, as in not at all.
MERMAN: Yeah, you know, we can't all use our truth breath
to score dates.
ELEMENTRA: That was one time, post Salem witch
trials, with Brad.
MERMAN: Brad, eh?
Is that the, that's the teacher?
ELEMENTRA: Yeah.
MERMAN: I thought, I thought that was just going to be like
a flingy thing for you.
ELEMENTRA: So did I, but he's not just hot, he's nice, and
funny, and he fucks like a jackhammer.
MERMAN: Aww, yeah.
Hey guys!
ELEMENTRA: There's no one here yet.
MERMAN: They're coming, I can hear them.
ELEMENTRA: There's one thing he does with
my leg that's like--
FLEET FOOT: What's it matter who's fastest when we're all
on the same team?
ELEMENTRA: I'll just show you a diagram.
WORLD MAN: It's important that we know all the ways I'm
better than you.
MERMAN: OK, are we all here?
Uh, Where is Night Knight?

NIGHT KNIGHT: Gentlemen-
MERMAN: Dude, were you there the whole time?
NIGHT KNIGHT: -and fair lady, Elementra, I'd like to
introduce you to the 42nd Boy Sparrow.
[GASP]
ELEMENTRA: Great another Sparrow.
You know you don't get paid, right?
BOY SPARROW: 42nd Boy Sparrow, you bet.
42nd time's the charm.
MERMAN: OK, hey Sparrow.
All right, yea.
Welcome to the team man.
So, the, uh high school got back to us with a giant bill
for the confetti bomb clean up because all the janitors got
sick from inhaling confetti dust.
[COUGHING]
NIGHT KNIGHT: Confetti bomb.
I lost Sparrow 12 that way.
MERMAN: OK, so that's the thing.
To pay for it we're going to dip into the
entertainment budget.
And that means we're gonna have to cancel our
headquarters party tonight.
NIGHT KNIGHT: No.
WORLD MAN: What?
BOY SPARROW: How horrible.
Oh my gosh.
NIGHT KNIGHT: Shut up.
MERMAN: Look, I've got a lunch meeting, so let's get to it.
Fleet, get on canceling the party arrangements, DJs,
caters, etc.
FLEET FOOT: Yea, a project!
MERMAN: Night Knight, I need you to update the software on
the Super Force computer.
Just stop trying to revise the terms of service.
It's non-negotiable.
Just click accept.
NIGHT KNIGHT: Convoy style.
MERMAN: OK.
Is it even worth learning his name?
And you two, 20 felonies each, stop them.
WORLD MAN: Busy work.
ELEMENTRA: Oh, and I hope you're meeting goes well.

WORLD MAN: I hope you're meeting goes well.
MERMAN: OK.
You don't even know.
You have no frame of reference.

FLEET FOOT: No, I don't want to hire new DJs, I just want
to cancel the one that we already hired.
WORLD MAN: Hey Fleet, your black.
FLEET FOOT: Thank you for noticing.
I'll just be one second, I'm on the phone.
That's why you think your faster than me, that's racist.
Wait, three DJs for the price of one?
That is a deal--
WORLD MAN: I saw your presentation, Fleet Foot, the
World's Fastest Super.
First off, you can't say world.
I bought that word off that guy who sells words outside
the post office.
FLEET FOOT: That sounds like a scam.
WORLD MAN: So you're slower than me, and stupider too.
It's a sad day for your people.
I'll call you back.

Nobody calls me slower.
ANNOUNCER: Now we'll join Merman on his
date, already in progress.
MERMAN: Well, we won Federico, here.
All right, what's that buddy?
Oh, oh, Frederico says that I'm way out of your
league by the way.
Sorry.
RASCAL: Oh, nice fish talking abilities.
MERMAN: Thank you.
So, Rascal, what is your power,
outside of being rascally?
RASCAL: I don't usually talk about on the first date.
It's a little embarrassing.
MERMAN: Look, I squirt ink out of holes in my hand.
So it doesn't get much worse than that.

That's hot.
RASCAL: Not really.
I'm an energy absorber.
I will literally suck the life out of you if you touch me.
MERMAN: OK.
So I'm dating someone that I can't touch.
RASCAL: Well, I don't normally kiss on the first date, but--
MERMAN: How can you?
RASCAL: Shh.
MERMAN: First, I mean, how does it even?
OK.
[KISSING]
Wow.
All right.

FLEET FOOT: So Nepal to Shanghai to Ecuador.
WORLD MAN: No skipping Australia.
FLEET FOOT: No flying.
ELEMENTRA: All right, let's just do this race quick.
I don't think leaving Night Knight alone at the HQ alone
is ever a good idea.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
FLEET FOOT: Whoever tags Sparrow's hand
first, wins, right?
WORLD MAN: Right.
BOY SPARROW: So why are you standing in front of me?
WORLD MAN: Because we're going around the world, idiot.
Turn around.
ELEMENTRA: Let's go, Fleet Foot.
FLEET FOOT: Woo.
WORLD MAN: Let's go, World Man.
ELEMENTRA: OK.
On your mark, get set, go.

WORLD MAN: Winner.
FLEET FOOT: Let's let Sparrow be the judge of that.
Right, Sparrow?
BOY SPARROW: Something is different.
Where are my arms?
[SCREAMING]
FLEET FOOT: We should probably--
BOY SPARROW: My arms.
WORLD MAN: Stay with us sparrow, you need to tell us
who won the race.
ELEMENTRA: No, we need to get him to Hero Hospital.
BOY SPARROW: Oh god.
I'm going after the arms.
WORLD MAN: Find out which arm flew father.
If it's the right, then I won.

DJ: Check one, two.
One, two, three.

MERMAN: Fleet, I asked you to do one thing.
Whoa, whoa, what happened to Sparrow?
WORLD MAN: We saved the Hoover Dam from the Man Car.
MERMAN: The Man Car?
FLEET FOOT: He was some kind of crazed transformer.
Busting holes all through the Hoover Dam.
WORLD MAN: Which Sparrow selflessly
plugged with his arms.
MERMAN: Jesus.
Night, couldn't you have canceled the party
arrangements here?
NIGHT KNIGHT: Fleet Foot said he was going to take care
after the race?
Hello.

Salutations.
Fleet Foot and World Man were going to race.
Utilizing my detective skills, I will surmise that my Sparrow
here was tasked as the finish line.
His arms ripped off through the sheer velocity of our
companions.
DJ: All right, let's get this party started.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

NIGHT KNIGHT: The left side won the race.
WORLD MAN: No.
FLEET FOOT: Yes!

BETH HOYT: That's our show.
Subscribe, and then have a fabulous weekend.
I'll see you on Monday.
Get in that chat, I want to talk to you.
Grace is hosting on Tuesday.
I'm back on Wednesday.
I'll be joined by Pete and Pete and Kitty Pride.
I can't wait.
XOXO, you're my favorite.