Albertina Rizzo & DailyGrace LIVE! - 4/5/12 (FULL EP)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 05.04.2012

Transcript:

DAILY GRACE: You look great today.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAILY GRACE: Hey guys, Daily Grace here.
And welcome to another episode of My Damn Channel LIVE.
Welcome to the best 10 minutes of your entire life.
You pervs.
Get your mind out of that gutter.
It's gross in there.
Today I'd like to start the show by showing my favorite
comment from last week's live show.
Take a look.
From DaveyEatsKites, "I love Grace, but this seemed to dot,
dot, I don't know, dot, dot."
You don't know what?
It seemed to what?
What?
You can't just dot, dot, and then
expect me to find closure.
That is so rude.
You know what you are, you're a--

How's it feel?
Does that egg taste good on your face?
Guys, it's Thursday here on My Damn Channel LIVE.
And like what we do on Daily Grace Today, I'm going to
teach you how to do something in record time.
This Sunday is Easter, so I thought it was fitting to
teach you guys how to dye eggs.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
We have all the products for dying eggs.
Magic.
Internet magic.
OK, here we go.
Follow me very closely because this is a very serious thing
that we're about to embark on.
The first thing you need, eggs.
You need hard boiled eggs.
Got them.
Make sure you get eggs that really mean something to you.
Take your time.
Find the right ones.
Secondly, you need a dyeing kit.
You can get an egg dying kit at stores that
sell egg dyeing kits.
This one was $0.99.
That's hardly a price to pay for happiness.
OK?
Third step, and this is where a lot of people fail.
You need newspapers.
Why?
To expand your brain and to clean up your mess.
Because you're going to make a mess.
Oh, get on to get off.
Some subliminal messaging.
See?
You learn things when you open a newspaper.
OK, really spread this newspaper.
Dyeing an egg is like training a dog.
It's messy.
And rewarding.
OK?
Maybe even put it on the floor because it's going to get
crazy up in here.
Oh, look at this.
Ooh, a New York International Auto Show.
I couldn't be less into that.
There we go, cover that whole floor.
What do we have here?
Spring break sale at [INAUDIBLE]
Guitars.
No one's going to be spring breaking there.
What else?
Oh, damsel in distress.
Those girls look sad.
Good to know.
OK, you're almost done.
One last little piece here.
Great.
OK.
Here's where it gets serious.
Take your egg dye and your egg, and just--
die, egg.

I killed it.
Now you know how to dye an egg.
All of that for that bit.
Yay.
Oh, my hand.
How do strong people do things like that?
Speaking of death, we have a lovely little clip for you
here from Co-op of the Damned.
Check it out.
Ace bandage?

when
[TYPING]
-I am going to sell this apartment today.
GARY (OFFSCREEN): Get out.
-Open House, Gary.
I put it in your calendar.
GARY (OFFSCREEN): Oh, sorry.
[TYPING]
-This is just that perfect buttery, butternut,
Thanksgiving kind of family feeling.
You come in here with the family.
You have your latte.
You [INAUDIBLE]
[SCREAM]
-Would you like to see the kitchen?
[TYPING]
-Yes you are.
Yes you are.
Yes you are.
Come and get it.
Come and get it.
Yes.
Yes, you're so hungry.
[TYPING]
-Was this really necessary.
GARY (OFFSCREEN): When I get excited, I--
-Don't.
Just Gary-- just don't.
[TYPING]
-Come on, Eric.
Will you clean this crap up?
No, it is not amazing.
I'm going to tell the creepy guy upstairs that you are
stealing his Wi-Fi.
[GRUNTING]
[TYPING]
-And what's over here?
-That is your vortex?
-Huh?
-Did you read the ad?
It was walnut floors, dishwasher,
vortex straight to hell.
But I'm so sorry, you're going to have to
share laundry with--
-Is the building haunted, like built on an Indian burial
ground or something?
-Well, it's Manhattan.
So everything's built on Indian burial ground.
-We'll take it.
-Great.

-Hi, I'm Dave Coulier.
You're watching My Damn Channel LIVE.
That's right now.

DAILY GRACE: Yeah, living in an apartment is
really hard, you guys.
Even Dave Coulier knows that.
We have Dave Coulier.
This is the best internet television show of all time.
My love for Dave Coulier knows its bounds.
It doesn't go very far.
Speaking of love, yesterday on the show Beth talked to you
guys about her relationships.
-All you guys know Alexander Skarsgard?
He's a great actor.
Great boyfriend.
Throughout our dates, I would always be like,
I'm a little monkey.
Pick me up.
Pick me up.
So fun.
DAILY GRACE: Alexander Skarsgard has the weirdest
nicknames for people.
That's crazy.
Well, today, I have some experts on the topic of love
here to answer your Twitter questions about relationships.
They are the duo behind the popular advice column, "Hot
Dog and the Lady Bun," which you can read on vice.com.
Please welcome Albertina Rizzo and Kurt Braunohler.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Hi.
This is Kurt.
DAILY GRACE: Oh, Kurt.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: He couldn't be here, so we got the whitest
thing we could imagine and put eyes on it.
So there he is.
DAILY GRACE: It looks pretty identical.
Google image search Kurt Braunohler.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Yep, almost the same.
Almost exactly the same.
DAILY GRACE: Now, thank you so much for being
here, first and foremost.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Thank you for having me.
DAILY GRACE: It's going to get real very soon.
But before we start answering these questions,
I need to ask you.
What makes you two collectively experts on love?
ALBERTINA RIZZO: We are asked that a lot.
We are not experts.
DAILY GRACE: OK.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: We just have very strong
opinions about things.
People like Dr. Phil, I mean he only has like a
motorcyclist license and he has a TV show.
So clearly--
DAILY GRACE: You guys are qualified.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Just as qualified.
DAILY GRACE: Overqualified.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Yep.
DAILY GRACE: Maybe some would say.
So we asked you guys this morning to tweet us your
questions about relationships using the hashtag
#mydamnchannellive.
And let's get into it.
What's our first Twitter question we got?
This is from dabombmcgee.
Whoa, explosive.
"I'm looking for a girl I can court.
Where can I go meet some?"
ALBERTINA RIZZO: OK, well, a girl you can court?
I would say 1934 because that's the last time anybody
used the word "court." See how that works out for you.
So time machine 1934.
DAILY GRACE: 2-step process.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Quick.
DAILY GRACE: They'll all be there and their girdles will
runneth over with love for you.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: You might have to explain dawg, D-A-W-G.
DAILY GRACE: Let's take another Twitter question.
What do we got?
This is from Brandon09Smith.
"How do I get out of the friend zone?" Great question.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: OK.
Very easy.
You drive straight and then make a right to the bone zone.
DAILY GRACE: Whoa.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: I know.
DAILY GRACE: The bone zone's got free parking.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Yep.
DAILY GRACE: Just cover your car when it rains.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Yep.
She has to say yes, though.
Otherwise it's illegal.
Just that's--
DAILY GRACE: Albertina has learned that the hard way.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: It's true.
DAILY GRACE: Next Twitter question.
What do we got?
This is from Julez [INAUDIBLE]
Sanchez.
Look at all the z's. "What is the best way to give a first
kiss?"
ALBERTINA RIZZO: I mean, OK.
Well, the first--
DAILY GRACE: I like that question.
They need to know.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: The best way to give a first kiss is with
your mouth and then with your penis-- the next one.
DAILY GRACE: The second kiss.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: The second time, not the first time.
DAILY GRACE: And make sure you hear that right.
The first kiss-
ALBERTINA RIZZO: The first time is with your mouth,
second time with your penis.
DAILY GRACE: She has that sewn on a pillow in
her apartment actually.
It's a really good saying.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: I was going to say, my mom taught me that,
but I'm not going to say that.
Such an awful thing to say.
DAILY GRACE: But you did.
Her mom taught her.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Yep.
DAILY GRACE: Make that into a t-shirt.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Hope my mom's watching.
DAILY GRACE: Yay.
Your mom has the internet?
ALBERTINA RIZZO: No.
DAILY GRACE: Let's take another question.
What have we got?
From Leah Moreno, "My boyfriend and my dog are total
bros and ignore me when they're together.
How do I join in?"
ALBERTINA RIZZO: You know, we get this question a lot.
No, we don't.
I would say cover yourself with cat urine.
Attack his dog or your dog.
Wait for the authorities to take your dog away forever,
and then live happily ever after.
It's the law.
Your dog will be put down.
DAILY GRACE: That sounds like a great idea.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: It's super easy.
DAILY GRACE: Have you done that before?
ALBERTINA RIZZO: I have.
DAILY GRACE: Successfully?
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Yeah.
I've had five dogs put down.
Always--
and boyfriends.
I've had five boyfriends, five dogs put down.
DAILY GRACE: Wow.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: It's worked out great for me.
DAILY GRACE: Single.
Get in there.
ALBERTINA RIZZO: Not really.
But for now.
DAILY GRACE: Well, thank you Albertina and Kurt.
Thank you.
Make sure to check out "Hot Dog and the Lady Bun" on Vice.
Get out of here.
Get out of here.
Make sure to check out "Hot Dog and the
Lady Bun" on vice.com.
You can also follow Albertina on Twitter @albz--
A-L-B-Z. She's a funny lady.
And if you got spare cat piss lying around, don't
let her near it.
Guys, this has gone so fast again.
That's it for another installment of My
Damn Channel LIVE.
Don't forget that you can catch me every other day of
the week on Daily Grace at mydamnchannel.com/dailygrace.
And you can watch the taped version of My Damn Channel
LIVE on mydamnchannel.com/live.
Guys, Beth will be here tomorrow and I will see you
next Thursday.
I miss you guys, already.
Bye.
[DING]
DAILY GRACE: Got it.
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