We have a lot of problems as a species, but fortunately, a shortage of cookies isn’t
one of them. We’ve got chocolate chip, we’ve got peanut butter, we’ve got the ones with
the things and the...we have all kinds of cookies. But I never thought I would encounter
a frustrating cookie.
Yet lo and behold, there is indeed...a cookie of every flavor.
Turns out gingerbread is the variety and OvenBreak is the game. This is one of those automatically
scrolling platformers so prevalent in the App Store, but I don’t know if it’s just
me or the fact that I’m not that good at video games...but after a few minutes with
OvenBreak, I was about ready to OvenBreak my phone.
But to its credit, OvenBreak is an adorable game with a fun premise. You’re this little
gingerbread man who refuses to accept his fated trip down the esophagus. This brave
confectionary delight decides instead to escape the oven and make a run for it. To me, this
prompts the obvious question, where does a delicious Christmas cookie plan to seek **** refuge...but
at least he gets an A for effort.
Although effort doesn’t even start with A.
The game is easy enough in concept. The cookie runs forward automatically, so all you have
to do is make him avoid obstacles. One button jumps, the other slides. That’s pretty much
your arsenal of maneuvers, although you can also pull off some combinations in midair.
So if you jump toward an overhead ledge, the slide command turns into a hook thing...kind
of like some kind of sugary Batman.
That’s basically all there is to it. You just run to the end of the level, collecting
all the jellybeans you can along the way. You also collect letters that just repeatedly
spell the word “freedom,” which means if he’s lucky enough to successfully escape,
this cookie could have a successful career as a speech writer for the GOP.
But the problem with this little guy isn’t the hollow use of political buzzwords. It’s
the simple fact that he drives you insane in mere minutes. The levels are needlessly
long, for starters. Since they just string together repetitive jump-or-duck obstacles,
you see everything they have to offer...when you’re only a third of the way through.
Of course, there’s more to the levels’ dragging pace than just length and repetition.
Another problem is that that hook maneuver is just ridiculously hard to pull off. At
first, you’re like, “Oh, I guess it’s okay that I can’t use the grapple beam.
I’ll just miss those jellybeans, and at the end of the day, less jellybeans is probably
a positive dietary change.”
Then you get to the next level and you discover, “Oh, ****t. You have to do it, like, multiple
times in a row to even progress. That’s nice. Hey cookie, guess what? We made you
to be eaten, alright? Your rights ended at ‘add flour and two eggs,’ you desperate
little bastard.”
I don’t know, maybe I’m just not good enough to pull off what this game requires.
Or maybe the finicky buttons and needlessly drawn-out levels had me so bored, I took a
mental nap while playing. Whatever the case, I just didn’t enjoy OvenBreak as much as
some of the other scrolling platformers in the App Store.
OvenBreak is a cute game, but this is one cookie you’ll leave in the jar.
