The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Night The Roof Fell In

[musical fanfare]
(male announcer) The Dick Van Dyke Show!
Starring Dick Van Dyke...
[Dick Van Dyke theme song]
Rose Marie...
Morey Amsterdam...
Larry Mathews...
...and Mary Tyler Moore.
[tense music]
Well, if you must know, I'm going for a drive.
Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you...
[audience laughter]
...Mr. Astaire.
Lock up when you come home, please.
I may not be home!
[suspenseful music]
(fish #1) What was that all about?
(fish #2) You missed a good fight.
(fish #1) What was the fight about?
(fish #2) Well, you know people.
It wasn't about anything.
(fish #1) How did it start?
(fish #2) Well, all I know,
I was floating around, minding my own business,
watching...
[dream sequence harp]
[pleasant music]
[telephone rings]
Hello?
Oh Millie, yes, I did call you.
Well, nothing really, just to complain.
Well, shall I list them in alphabetical order?
Alrighty.
The repairman didn't show up.
None of them.
Well, everything's stopped up--
the washing machine, the garbage disposal,
Richie's nose.
Yes, I had to keep him home from school today.
It's the worst mistake I've ever made.
He's had me almost out of my mind--
[glass breaks]
He's at it again, just a minute.
Richie, what was that?
(Richie) Nothing!
Richard, come in here, please.
Millie, I'll have to call you back.
Bye bye.
Richie!
Richard!
What have you been up to in there?
What is going on?
(Laura) Oh, for heaven's sake!
Daddy's shaving lotion, all over the floor!
It slid off!
(Laura) And broken glass!
Richie, how many times have I told you
to stay out of that medicine cab--
Now that does it.
You go into your room and wash your face and hands.
No, don't go in there till I clean up the glass.
Get a towel from the kitchen.
Just wait till your father comes home.
And why doesn't he?
(Richie) There's the car!
He's home now!
Well, it's about time.
[loud clanking sound]
Richie, if you break one more thing, I--
[loud crash]
[sighs] Snow White lives.
[audience laughter]
Oh, what a day.
[audience laughter]
You wouldn't believe it.
You just would not believe it!
Allen wanted a complete re-write.
Buddy came in late, Sally left early.
I lost my wallet.
I got a ticket for jay-walking.
And on top of that, I think I'm gettin' a cold sore!
[audience laughter]
What is that smell?
Your son broke a bottle of shaving lotion.
Oh no, not my Essence of Matador!
No, it's the--the other one, that cowboy stuff.
My Stirrup and Saddle?
Yes.
That stuff runs four bucks a bottle!
Rob, don't go in there in your bare feet.
[audience laughter]
I'm not in my bare feet.
I may be a little casual in my dress--
And now darling, let's not have any remarks
about the way I'm dressed.
If you'd had the kind of day that I've had...
I was talking about me, not you.
Well, I know what you're thinking.
You probably expect to come home
and find me dressed in a ball gown and a tiara.
I didn't even get out of my bathrobe
until three o'clock.
Maybe you would like to hear about the rest of my day?
All I'm asking, darling, is for a little understanding
when you come home, a little charm.
Charm?
Honey, who do you think I am?
Fred Astaire?
[audience laughter]
It wouldn't hurt you to emulate him.
What--what do you want me to do?
Come over every night and dance my way
into your heart?
Honey, you remember I work in the big city?
And life is very exciting here on the Riviera.
[audience laughter]
Hi, Daddy.
Oh, hi, Richie.
That's right, side with him!
All I said was "Hi, Richie."
Sure, you can afford to say "Hi, Richie,"
you don't have to clean up after him.
Laura...
Richie dear, say goodnight and go to bed.
Goodnight, Daddy.
Goodnight, son.
I'll be in in a minute, darling.
Never mind, Mommy.
[audience laughter]
You're gonna have to talk to that boy.
I would love to, you just sent him to bed!
[audience laughter]
Well, now you can talk to him later.
I've had dinner waiting for an hour!
(Rob) I've had mine.
[slaps hand on door jamb]
[audience laughter]
You've had your dinner?
Well, yeah, I had to work late, so I picked up
a fast cheese sandwich on the way home.
I thought I'd save you the bother.
Well, why didn't you call me?
(Rob) I forgot.
Did it ever occur to you, Rob, that I might like to eat?
Well go ahead, who's stopping you?
What do you want me to do, cook it for ya?
Honey, I'm sorry.
That's the sports.
It's just that, well... everything went wrong today.
And I suppose you think everything went right for me.
I didn't say that!
Oh, ow, ooh!
Ah, ooh!
[audience laughter]
Ooh, darn, darn ottoman!
Well, you don't have to bark at me.
The ottoman's been in this room for years, Mr. Astaire.
I wasn't barking at you, Ginger,
I was talking to the ottoman.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna sit here and make some paper hats
for this gay party we seem to be having.
Darling, why don't you save your marvelous jokes
for the office.
There are a few more important matters
around here that require your attention.
Listen, when I have had a hard day at the office,
I would like very much to come home...
So why don't you?
You don't!
You don't come home!
You don't call!
I'm here, I came home!
You refuse to speak to Richie!
Refuse?!
[audience laughter]
You j--you just sent him to bed!
All you do is just sit there reading your paper!
How can I read the paper? You tore it up!
Of course I tore it up.
I don't know how to handle a newspaper.
I'm not familiar with the way it's folded
'cause I never get time to read one!
[tearfully] I'm cooped up here, Rob.
And the whole time you're down there,
and I--you come home, I knock myself out,
and you have the nerve to--
Well, you try it sometime!
[audience laughter]
All right. Very well.
If that is the way you want it, have it your own way.
If that's the way you want it.
[tense music]
[audience laughter]
You'd probably like to know where I'm going.
Very well, if you must know, I'm going for a drive.
[audience laughter]
Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you...
...Mr. Astaire.
Lock up when you come home, please.
I--I may not come home!
[door slams shut]
[suspenseful music]
[doorbell chimes]
Morning, Millie.
Thank you for coming.
I have to talk to somebody.
Well, I would've come sooner,
but I had to get Freddie off to school.
Rob hasn't even phoned?
Not a word.
Well, where do you suppose he was all night?
I don't know.
Millie, he's never done anything like this before.
I'm so worried.
Well, he's now-- he's a grown man,
he probably checked in at a hotel,
or maybe he stayed with friends!
No, he didn't.
He wouldn't.
Millie, he's never not come home before.
If anything's happened to him, I'll kill him!
[audience laughter]
Now calm down, calm down, and tell me just what happened.
Well, I had a hard day yesterday.
Well, I told you.
Richie was just impossible.
But, well, in spite of that, I managed to cook a nice dinner
and tried to be as pleasant as I possibly could be,
and--and I was!
[light music]
I went to the trouble to set a beautiful table
and make myself presentable.
Well, what thanks did I get?
Rob came in wild, like a roaring tiger!
[roaring] Woooow, what a day!
[audience laughter]
Darling, you're home!
[crabbily] I know that.
Don't kiss me, I got a cold sore!
Why don't you fix yourself up.
[audience laughter]
What is that smell?
My Secret Secret.
I thought you'd like it.
Open a window.
Is dinner ready?
It's all ready, darling.
Well, I've had it.
You've had dinner?
Well, what did you think I had, breakfast?
Darling, if only you'd told me.
I can't read your mind, you know.
Well, see that you don't.
[audience laughter]
Is this today's paper?
Yes dear.
I've read it.
[audience laughter]
Richie say anything cute today?
No, not that I can remember.
Well, tell him to get with it!
What is the use of having a kid around the house
if he can't be cute!
You're right, dear.
Where is he?
Well, he's in his room, he's just waiting for you to--
Well, tell him to stay th--
Ow, ow, ow, ooh!
How did that thing get there?
Rob, we've always had that ottoman.
Well, get rid of it, I can't stand it!
Oh, jeez!
Darling, you bought the ottoman before we were married.
Oh, that's it, blame me!
Why did you marry me if you didn't like my ottoman?
[audience laughter]
Darling, I love your ottoman!
Oh, so that's it?
You like my ottoman better than you like me, huh?
Well, you know what you can do?
You can keep your ottoman, and I'll go!
[audience laughter]
Oh Rob, darling, you're just tired.
I--I don't know how you do it, working so hard,
writing all those marvelous jokes.
That does it.
Sarcasm is one thing I don't take from anybody.
[audience laughter]
That's right, darling.
You go for a nice walk.
I'll wait up for you till you come home.
I may not be home!
[door slams]
[audience laughter]
[suspenseful music]
Now Laura, Rob didn't say all those things.
Millie, I give you my word!
Oh come on, I know Rob!
Well, maybe he didn't say all those words.
But that's what it sounded like to me.
Come here.
Why?
Come here.
Why don't you call him up.
He's probably at the office right now.
Go on, call him!
No! Why should I call him?
Let him call me!
It was his fault!
Well, after all, Millie,
he's the one who walked out of here
and stayed in some luxurious hotel
while I spent the night worrying.
I would love to hear Rob's version of all this.
Come on, Rob, call Laura!
Give her a chance to apologize!
Oh no, I can't.
Why not?
Well, you can't just call up and ask for an apology
from a perfect stranger.
Your wife's a perfect stranger?
Come on home, I'll introduce her to you.
Get over there, call her!
Rob, why don't you flirt with her a little.
The worst she can do is hang up hard
and pop your ear drums.
Look, I'm holding you guys up.
I think I'll take a walk around the block.
Oh yeah, if you're gonna take a walk
around the block, take a cab.
We got a lot of work to do.
Rob, we're with you.
Whatever you've done, we'll deny it!
I haven't done anything!
We just got into an argument, that's all.
Me and Pickles, we argue all the time.
What's wrong with that?
You gotta do somethin' to keep the spark alive.
We have our little differences, naturally,
but we always made it a rule never to go to bed mad.
I think that's nice.
Pretty hard not to be mad, though,
when you just spent the whole night in the garage.
[audience laughter]
In the garage?
Oh, you picked a fine time to wash the car.
[audience laughter]
What were you doing in the garage?
Well...I walked out.
Well, walked out, I was practically
thrown out of there!
I was just gonna take a drive around
and cool off, and I forgot the car keys,
and I wasn't gonna go back in there after the--
Now why am I boring you guys with this?
Who's bored?
I love to hear things that make me feel good
about being single.
Come on Rob, why don't you tell us all about it.
Get it off your chest, you'll feel better.
Sure, come on, I'd like to feel
I'm not the only guy who married a nutty woman.
[audience laughter]
Well...I--I came home.
Well, you know what kind of a day we had around here.
Everything went wrong.
But going home in the car,
I decided I was going to leave my bad mood
and all my troubles in the car.
Now when I walked in that house,
I was as charming and as pleasant
as I know how to be.
I was so charming, I was a regular Fred Astaire.
[charming music]
[audience laughter]
Sweetheart!
Ginger!
The old charmer's home.
Where's my girl?
[audience laughter]
There she is, just as beautiful
as the day I married her.
Where have you been?
Just counting the hours till I could be with you.
Well, you'd better learn to count.
Do you know what time it is?
I suppose you expect me to serve you now.
Honey, I knew you'd be tired,
I grabbed a fast sandwich on the way home.
You never stopped to think
that I might like to eat out, did you?
I'm hungry.
Honey!
[audience laughter]
I love that ottoman.
Honey, you sit down right here,
and I'm gonna fix you a cheese soufflé.
You read the paper.
[singing to himself]
And don't go messing up my kitchen!
I--I won't, dear.
(Richie) Mom-my!
Uh, honey.
Has, uh, has Richie had his dinner?
No, and he's not getting any.
B-b-but sweetheart...
I ran out of dishes.
[audience laughter]
I see.
Honey...
May I just take him a cracker?
Oh sweetheart.
I'm sorry, you're tired.
You're overwrought.
Why you--!
[smack]
Tell me I'm overweight!
Honey, I didn't tell you you were overweight!
Well, I know what you were thinking.
Why don't you say it!
Go on, out with it!
Out what's on your mind!
Tell me I'm overweight!
Tell me you're sorry you ever married me!
Oh, now honey, I'm sorry.
[audience laughter]
Oh you are, are you?
Well, I don't have to stand here and take that from you!
You can just get out!
Oh, Laura, baby!
Funny face!
Out!
Good idea, I'll bring home some ice cream.
[door slams shut]
[dramatic music]
Hey, you sure it wasn't my wife you were fightin' with?
Sounds like one of our real screamers.
Rob, aren't you exaggerating just a touch?
Well, maybe a little bit.
I don't remember the words exactly,
but whatever words she used sounded like those.
Yeah, and she didn't throw you out either,
did she, Rob?
Well, no.
(Sally) See, I thought so.
Yeah, but she would've loved to!
Anyway, you can see why I can't just go home
and walk in and say, "Hello, what's new?"
Yeah...she's liable to dig up a lot of, "What's old?"
Aw, what's the use?
I know what's gonna happen.
I'll walk in the house, we won't talk,
she'll throw together some scrambled eggs
or something.
Oh sure, you want to spend another night
in the garage, right?
No, of course not.
Well, then you better do something about it.
Like what?
Well, I don't know, get her a present.
No, she'd throw me out with it.
Not if you get her something she can't turn down.
You know, something she's always wanted?
Yeah, like maybe a season ticket to the fights!
[audience laughter]
Wait, wait, I got it!
I know what to get her!
I know what'll make her happy!
Buddy, do me a favor.
Sure, what, what?
Call Laura and tell her I am bringing home a surprise.
Bringing home a surprise, all right.
Hey Sally, do me a favor, will you?
Yeah?
Yeah, call Laura, and tell her that I said that Rob said
he's coming home with a surprise.
Well, why me? Why can't you call her?
I don't the number.
Why, you chicken!
[Buddy makes chicken noises]
[audience laughter]
Hello, Marge?
Would you call Mrs. Petrie
and tell her I said that Buddy told me
that Rob asked him to tell her
that Rob's coming home with a surprise?
And I'll give you eight to five I can't repeat it.
[pleasant music]
Oh Millie, that looks beautiful!
That's just great.
Now let's see, I got the spaghetti sauce simmering,
salad's in the refrigerator...
The wine-- where's the wine?
Millie, where's the wine?
Right there where you put it.
Oh.
I'll just open it now and save Rob the bother.
Oh, let him open it.
It makes him feel manly.
You're right, it makes him feel manly,
I won't open it.
Oh Millie, thank you for helping me with all this.
You, uh, knew that I exaggerated about Rob, didn't you?
No, the way you told it, he sounded a lot like my Jerry.
[audience laughter]
Mommy?
Yes, dear?
What are we having for dinner?
Something delicious!
Aw, gee!
I like hamburgers.
I know, darling, but this is Daddy's evening.
Okay.
Now what have I forgotten?
[doorbell rings]
That's Rob!
Oh Millie, why am I so nervous?
Now calm down and I'll slip out the back door.
No, Millie, don't leave me!
Relax, he's your husband!
Um, Richie?
Yes, Mommy.
Daddy's home, darling, do you want to let him in?
Okay.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Rich.
Would you, uh, ask your mommy if I may come in?
(Richie) Daddy says...
You tell daddy he's welcome here anytime!
She says yeah.
[audience laughter]
[emotional violin music]
Mommy, Daddy doesn't look like a wild man.
[audience laughter]
Oh, Rob!
Honey, it was my fault.
Oh, no it wasn't, it was my fault.
Let's go halfsies?
Okay.
Hey, this is heavy.
Oh Rich, don't drop that!
Is it for me?
No, this is for mommy.
Mommy, this is for you.
What is it?
Your favorite thing in this whole world,
a complete Chinese dinner.
[audience laughter]
Why did you do that?
Why?
D-d-don't you--
Rob, you must've known that I...
have dinner prepared.
You--you--
Rob, won't you ever learn?
Why didn't you call me?
D-didn't Buddy call you?
No, the switchboard girl called,
but she didn't say that you were bringing home dinner!
I told Buddy to-- didn't he say surprise?
Oh no!
Boy, if you want something done right,
you have got to do it yourself.
You gonna be a wild man, Daddy?
[audience laughter]
[chuckling] No, I'm not, Rich.
Then I'm gonna go watch television.
[audience laughter]
Honey, I'm sorry.
I...it's just that I wanted--
I wanted everything to be fun tonight.
Oh darling, so did I.
And that's why I fixed your favorite dinner.
You didn't!
Spaghetti?
Hey look, just like Nino's,
with breadsticks and everything.
Pressed duck, egg roll?
Barbequed ribs?
Moo goo gai pan.
[audience laughter]
Moo goo gai pan?
Oh, Rob.
Do you remember the first time you brought it home to me?
Mm-hmm, when you were expecting Rich.
You remembered.
You, uh, forgive me?
I guess I should.
You'd better, or I'll eat up all your moo goo gai pan.
[audience laughter]
Boy, whoever said there was a silver lining
for every cloud sure knew his clouds, didn't he?
How do you figure that?
Well, I mean, if we hadn't had that big fight...
...we wouldn't have this great making-up period.
I just wish we could find some way
of having the making-up without the fighting.
Well, there's no way, but we could make
a fortune if we could invent a way, yeah?
Not only that, but we wouldn't run the risk
of upsetting Richie.
Yeah.
Boy, thank goodness he missed the fight.
I hope he did.
Could be awfully upsetting to a child
to hear his mother and father yelling at each other.
Yeah, kinda shakes their secure little world.
I'm sure he was sound asleep, though.
Honey, is that enough moo goo gai pan?
A little heavier on the goo.
Okay.
Four meatballs enough?
Yeah, that'll do for a start, anyway.
Okay, there you are, honey.
A meal fit for Mrs. Charlie Chan.
Thank you, and for you, a meal fit for Rasona Brasi.
Thank you.
Hey, what about me?
Oh, Rich!
There you are.
A meal fit for a young prince.
Your royal hamburger.
With tuna fish.
Yeah, the tuna fish is in there, just like you ordered it.
Oh boy, can I eat it in my bedroom?
Well, don't you want to eat with us?
No.
Why not, Rich?
I don't like to hear yelling.
He heard us.
Let me handle it, honey.
Uh, Rich... come here, buddy.
Rich, did you by any chance
overhear your Mommy and I having a...
discussion last night?
You see, Richie, all mommies and daddies have...
discussions like the one Daddy and I had.
Do Dr. and Mrs. Helper have those discussions?
Oh, yeah, and a lot more often than Mommy and I do.
They call theirs "fights."
[audience laughter]
They seem like a fight,
but a fight's kind of a different thing.
What's the difference?
Well, the difference between a fight
and a discussion is, uh...
Well, now you've seen boxers in the ring,
hitting each other?
Now that's a fight!
You mean like Floyd Patterson and Sonny Liston?
Well, a lot of people thought that was more of a discussion.
Rob, this is no time for an editorial.
That's right, Rich, that was a fight.
Now what Mommy and I had was, uh...
a disagreement, a discussion.
And it's all over now.
No more yelling?
No more yelling.
You promise?
I promise.
Okay, I'll eat with you.
Good.
Okay, everyone, grab your plates.
Richie, you mean you were really afraid
that Mommy and I were gonna yell at each other?
No, not at each other.
Well, at who, then?
At me.
Well, Rich...w-why would we yell at you?
For breaking your Saddle and Stirrup
shaving lotion yesterday.
That's right, I never did yell at you
for that, did I?
Forget it, Rich.
It's all forgotten and forgiven.
Tonight, nothing could make me angry.
Really?
Really.
Good.
I got a 20 on my spelling test.
You have to sign it.
You got a 20 on your spelling test?
Oh Rich, this late in--?
(Laura) Rob...
We promised, no more yelling.
That's right.
Here, Daddy, sign it.
No, first we eat, then we sign.
But no yelling.
No yelling.
But a lot of loud discussion.
[audience laughter]
[applause]
[Dick Van Dyke theme song]
[theme continues]
[theme song ends]