Growing Up CODA: Playground Insults!


Uploaded by ewitteborg on 02.02.2011

Transcript:
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\f0\fs24 \cf0 Lady: I heard your dad is an A.G. Bell supporter!\
\ Guy: Well I hear your mom is so old, she looks
like a Martha Vineyard survivor!\ \
Lady: You move your lips like an oralist!\ \
Guy: Yes, and your receptive skills are like a freshmen I.T.P. student. Can you say, *HELLO,
MY-NAME, WHAAAAT!*\ \
Lady: Whatever. I'm so CODA I say, *ORANGE-THROAT* when other's say, "Cat's got your tongue."\
\ Guy: That is kind of *2-5-8* props. But still,
I bet I've got less hair on my cochlear than you. I'm SO, SO (D)eaf.\
\ Lady: Lame! Even my grandmother has more DB-loss
than you!\ \
Guy: I bet if I looked up "Audism" in the dictionary there'd be a picture of your face!\
\ Lady: When you talk all I hear is, "BEEEEEP,"
like when my dad's hearing-aid battery is going dead!\
\ Guy: You are so (H)earing, I bet you think
ASL stands for: Age/Sex/Location.\ \
Lady: Well you probably think a "class-if-fire" (Classifier), is a 4th-grade, fire-drill,
and that Non Manuals are cars without the stick-shift.\
\ Guy: I hate you like deaf people hate the
question: "Can you read my lips?"\ \
Lady: Well I hate you like I hate the long pauses when someone forgets to type 'Go Ahead'
(*GA*) on the TTY!\ \
Guy: If you ever tried to relay-call me, I would just type: *SKSK* - GO AWAY.\
\ Lady: And if you tried to voice-call my house,
I would actually turn on BOTH the 56-k dial-up, AND the FAX MACHINE -- and just blame it on
the TTY!\ \
\ Guy: Here's an S.A.T. question for you: "You
are to me, as a ______, is to a VP." Hint, it's an inferior piece of technology that
sits in the attic of deaf-households as a glorified dust-collector.\
\ \
Lady: Here's one for you: "If you are the wooden-floor in a Deaf-house, and I am the
feet that stomps to call someone's attention. How many painkillers will you need for that
headache?"\ \
Guy: Answer: Probably not as many as you would need if you had epilepsy, and I were the lightbulb
in the hallway at a Deaf-party that flickers on and off, excitedly, so as to announce that
Marlee Matlin just came on the show: "Dancing With The Stars"\
\ Lady: I, will-break-you! Like a flimsy-flip
screen on a cheap sidekick. My Deaf-Power will overload you like calls overload VRS
centers whenever there is a t-mobile service outtage. I am so CODA! I know where my parents
graduated from high school, and the year of their graduating class at Gally. And before
the first day of first grade I memorized the legendary 1-800 number and how to install
a new roll of TTY paper! BOOYA!!\ \
Guy: And I'm so CODA I was conceived on the night of Rock Fest, after my father took my
mother out to eat at Rathskeller and then tactile-signed: *ILY* to her as they walked
across campus to Benson Hall in the dark where they made love for a long time, real long,
like "DST" long time, like Deafies spend hours saying goodbye, type long time. I'm the product
of when Epic meets Legendary!\ \
Lady: I'm so (D)eaf when people ask me what kind of jeans ("Genes") I'm wearing, I say:
Connexin-26!\ \
Guy: I'm so (D)eaf, growing up I wanted to be number 23 of the Chicago Bulls: I. King
Jordan.\ \
Lady: I hate you like I hate when hearing people assume my house is quiet.\
\ Guy: Well I hate you, like a deaf-child in
an all hearing-family hates the word: "nevermind"\ \
\ Lady: I know you are trying to *ORANGE-SNOT-THROW*
on me, but really you just *ORANGE-EYED* my soul. I can't take my eyes off of you any
more than my dad can take his eyes off of the Closed Captioning on his favorite tv program.\
\ Guy: I need to *ORANGE-OFF-CHEST* onto you
too: I can't stop thinking about you. I got you stuck in my head like a Cochlear Implant.\
\ Lady: I have to go, but I'll miss you like
a cued-speech user would miss their fingers in an unfortunate cutlery accident.\
\ Guy: And I shall look forward to seeing you,
like a Deaf person who looks forward to seeing their monthly SSI check.\
\ \
}