K-LOL: Facebook FAILs & LARPer Dating Advice


Uploaded by LOUD on 09.08.2012

Transcript:
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
JORDAN MORRIS: Hello, I'm Jordan Morris.
And this is K-LOL, the internet's local news.
Today's top story is Facebook.
A report released last week claims that 80% of the clicks
on Facebook ads are by bots.
And now with a statement, Facebook Ad Clicking Bot.
AD CLICKING BOT: Bleep blorp, I am
interested in local events.
Bleep, well, sure, I'd like to check out Chili's new awesome
blossom sandwich, but what I'd really like
is a microchip sandwich.
Bleep, bleep, bloop.
Hot Roombas in my area?
Hubba bleep blorp hubba.
JORDAN MORRIS: Cool.
Mitt Romney has released a smartphone app that'll tell
users as soon as he chooses his VP nominee.
The app is the third most popular conservative app after
Birth Certificates with Friends and Angry Racists.
I wonder what the fourth most popular app is amongst
conservatives?
Oh, Grindr.
According to a study released earlier this year, Facebook is
actually making people less happy.
Here with a report is Eliza Skinner.
ELIZA SKINNER: Hey, Jordan.
JORDAN MORRIS: Hey, are you OK?
ELIZA SKINNER: No.
And I'm here to tell you about it in my new segment, Who's
Making Me Feel Bad On Facebook?
Facebook is meant to be a site for staying in contact with
friends and acquaintances, not for shoving pictures of your
perfect life down my throat all the time, Allison Rodden.
Like, I get it.
You have a lot of friends, and you like to camp and jet ski.
Cool.
I have a goddamn job and a cat that doesn't like me.
No one wants to see those photos on Facebook.
Ugh, look at this.
She just finished Infinite Jest.
Good for you, Allison.
I only read magazines, and only on the toilet.
Oh, and this bitch, Jeannie Glass.
Was the party fun?
Huh?
Was it, Jeannie?
It sure looks fun from your 8 million photos.
I wouldn't know.
You didn't invite me.
So I spent the weekend trying to make a dress
out of an old T-shirt.
Didn't work.
Ugh, who likes West Elm?
That's like saying you enjoy chewing on money.
What an asshole.
Oh, and the [BLEEP]
babies.
Everybody, just put your goddamn babies away.
Just because your baby looks cute in a hat doesn't mean it
doesn't make me feel [BLEEP]
about my cold tacos for dinner.
JORDAN MORRIS: It sounds like you're taking other people's
Facebook pages very personally.
ELIZA SKINNER: Well, it feels personal.
I mean, doesn't anything bad happen to anyone else?
Is that just me?
JORDAN MORRIS: Of course not.
But that's not what you're supposed to put on your
Facebook wall.
I only post professional photos of
myself laughing at parties.
ELIZA SKINNER: Oh, and you're like the
saddest person I know.
JORDAN MORRIS: Oh, big time.
Barely hanging on.
ELIZA SKINNER: Oh, OK.
I actually feel much better now.
But still, [BLEEP]
those assholes.
JORDAN MORRIS: Eliza Skinner.
Full of useless rage.
A new service was released this week called Unbaby.me.
The plug-in will replace any pictures of babies on your
timeline with cats.
And now with a response, the chairperson of the
conservative group Focus On Facebook Family.
We are ripping babies from the womb of the internet.
Every baby photo has the right to be seen by every person on
the internet.
Sure, maybe you think you're not ready to see a
picture of a baby.
But God put it on Facebook for a reason, and by God, I mean
that weird girl Leslie from youth group.
[PHONE VIBRATING]
Gotta run.
Grindr.

YouTube recently added its 24-hour live streaming animal
cam, the CorgiCam, a camera focused on a new litter of
corgi puppies.
Let's take a look.

Not to be outdone by the CorgiCam, we're introducing
our own live stream, the HoagieCam.

Aw, look at them.
Look at those little guys.

Aw.
MALE SPEAKER: So cute.
JORDAN MORRIS: Look at his little face.
Aw, never grow up.
I never want them to grow up.
Aw.
Videos of LARPers, or live-action role players, are
always big on the internet.
Sure, they can wear chain mail and cast spells, but can they
fall in love?
Our parent company, Cheeseburger, investigates.
CHAD BRIXTON: What's your best pick-up line?
XAN XANDER: Hey.
Do you come here a lot?
I'm a girl.
CHAD BRIXTON: And?
XAN XANDER: Usually pointing out my gender is enough.
CHAD BRIXTON: Where do you take someone on a first date?
LORD FITZGERALD: Well, I guess I've gone on lots of dates
during LARPs.

I've gone on a lot of dates under bridges in that case.
CHAD BRIXTON: So you're out in the real
world, and you see someone.
How do you know if they LARP?
GILDCASH GILMORE: Battle scars, which are actually Nerf
burns from the Fun Noodles that actually abraze your skin
in the very slightest of ways.
CHAD BRIXTON: What gives you a boner?
XAN XANDER: Elves.
CHAD BRIXTON: Who does it better?
Elves, trolls, or mages?
MOLLY MCISAAC: Elves.
Mages is a class.
You gave me two races and a class.
You can't do that.
You could say, elves, dwarves, or orcs.
Orcs would be, like, the most passionate lovers, but they'd
probably cut your head off at the end.
CHAD BRIXTON: How do you know when is the right
time to kiss someone?
XAN XANDER: I guess when the eye contact becomes too long
and uncomfortable.
Because when you kiss, you close your eyes.
So when you want to not look in their eyes anymore.

CHAD BRIXTON: If you could give me one piece of dating
advice, what would it be?
LORD FITZGERALD: I'd say the way you're
dressed is a big turnoff.
I think, also, your ears are on the small side.
JORDAN MORRIS: Well, I think that answers everybody's
questions about everything forever.
Until next week, that's it from us.
We now leave you with this montage of bathroom mirror
Facebook pics.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
AD CLICKING BOT: Hot Roombas in my area?
Hubba bleep blorp hubba.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yes.
MALE SPEAKER: You are interested in DTF.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I don't know what DTF is.
MALE SPEAKER: You're interested.
MALE SPEAKER 2: (RAPPING) Gonna have a habit, 'cause it
doesn't itch a fidget and I'm switching my positions, what
is on my left butt cheek?
Pissed, because I know my stupid phone is gonna ring
again, and I want to--
MALE SPEAKER: Haven't we all, at some point in the evening,
settled for a bag of crack?