Vlog do Harry Potter

Uploaded by canalparafernalha on 18.07.2011

Hey, how are you?
In case you don't recognize me, I'm Harry Potter.
Ah, fuck, fine… Here!
Satisfied? Ok? Cool?
It's been more than 20 years since I killed that pale, AIDS ridden, Michael Jackson nosed, homo,
and people still ask me to see this thing.
A lot of people ask me what I've been up to nowadays.
Well, I became an Auror. For those of you who don't know what that is,
an Auror captures dark wizards and witches.
The problem is, there aren't any dark wizards left.
Marilyn Manson's old.
Ozzy's decrepit.
And Ron finally killed Michael Jackson in 2009.
Truth is, my life blows right now.
The only adrenaline rush I get is when I go deal with my youngest's problems at Hogwarts.
Which by the way is pretty ridiculous nowadays.
They got this Magic Google thing in the library now,
which I obviously have no idea how to use,
but I know that if you write in "Sueing Hippogriffs"
you get this complete detailed research, all pretty and perfect for you.
I mean c'mon! You gotta be joking.
Do you have any idea how much time I would've saved if I had that in my day?
Back then it was all heavy-as-fuck books, dust, back aches, allergies, impotence, nasal spray every day!
Magic google my brown eye with glasses…
Do you have any idea of how much free time,
how much valuable free time I'd have on my hands to do other things if I had that back in the day?
Like sex. But no. I was a virgin 'till I was 21.
And Gina decided that she'd only have sex after marriage.
Good one right?
If had gone for Cho Chang I'd have gotten some way earlier.
Asians are kinky, dude!
There was a lot of chicken choking during my teens.
I even knocked one out thinking about Moaning Myrtle...
Having a ghost that moans in the bathroom really helps a lot when you're… you know...
And while we're on the sex subject, you're all a bunch of as*holes.
Would it have been that much trouble telling me that Dumbledore was gay?
I only got to know about it after the seventh book,
and only because Rowling mentioned it in an interview.
Do you have any idea how many times I found myself alone in a dark room with the guy?
He looked me in my eyes, took me by the hand,
took me to parallel dimensions,
told me that love is the strongest magic.
Pedophilia blows.
Was a "heads up" too much to ask for? Something like:
"You do know Dumbledore's an ass jockey, right!?"
To deal with this,
I went through some dark times.
I suffered from depression,
started to drink,
had some dangerous freak-outs,
I just didn't see any meaning in life,
saw a bum on the street and tried to Expecto Patronum his ass.
Things got really bad when i saw a midget on the street,
threw my sock at him and shouted:
"You is free Dobby!!"
I was completely drunk,
the midget was obviously pissed and beat the crap out of me,
and to this day I still don't know if he wailed on me because
I threw a sock at him, or because I said "you is".
Anyway, i got through it,
stopped drinking, and even joined a church.
And left a week later, after the preacher kept putting his finger in my face
calling me a demonic witch.
The whole retarded congregation believed him of course,
and started chasing me as if I was the devil himself.
But you can't really blame people right?
They need to believe that there's an enemy out there, even though there isn't,
so they can see meaning in their lives.
Ok, so you've been sending me emails for a while now…
Yes, emails, 'cause fuck owls, seriously.
I'm tired of waiting two weeks for a reply,
and having to clean bird shit off my bed.
Anyway, lots of you sent me similar questions,
so I'm going to answer those today.
What do you think of the movies that tell your life story?
They're shit.
They picked out a little flower of an actor to play me.
Accio the fag!
Here's the little fag.
Just look at his pole smoking face!
Besides, the dark wizards fly,
Cho Chang looks like she wants some Taco Bell,
and the actor playing Dumbledore from the third movie onward, seems to be suffering from stomach ulcers.
Why didn't you get with Hermione?
Well, because back then she was constantly studying, and rarely bathed.
She was that typical brainy teen who's always reading, and smells like BO.
Ron digs scatology, I do not.
How did you feel when you found out that Snape only hated you because he wanted to f*ck your mom?
Who sent this?
You know what, I'm not answering this crap anymore.
Nothing but internet trolls…
Oh, and by the way, one last thing:
Cedric, go get fucked by a goat!
I cried my eyes out when you died!
You could've at least told me you became a werewolf licking vampire douche.
Fuck you!
Translation: Osíris Larkin @olarkinn Sync: João Fernando @NandoSang