Ep 12 - Speed Dating - 12-STEPS TO RECOVERY

Uploaded by 12stepswebseries on 05.06.2011

BLUE Guess who’s in the penalty box?
PARRISH Again? Were you given a life sentence
or something? How about getting some for good behavior.
DICKIE Y’all know how Claudia gets? If she even
thinks I’m talking to another woman, she cuts it off to teach me a lesson.
BLUE What is your wife teaching you?
To actually sleep with the women you talk to? She ain’t giving it up
C’mon what’s the purpose of marriage?
CHAUNCEY There’s lots of benefits to being
married other than sex. Lifelong companionship...being in love... helping
one another realize each other’s goals—
BLUE Surrendering your family jewels.
PARRISH It’s okay Chauncey, we ditched Francine
when we jumped off the Deegan and doubled around. You can talk freely now.
BLUE Y’all aren’t even married. I bet you
only do it twice a week. Missionary style.
CHAUNCEY Wrong. Ever since Francine’s been doing
yoga, we’ve incorporated a few new positions, such as downward facing dog
and my favorite, the wheel barrel.
DICKIE Are you having sex or playing family
reunion games? Next you’re gonna be doing the potato sack or the pie eater.
BLUE Knowing Francine, he’s already doing
the pie eater.
CHAUNCEY Funny. Real funny. What I don’t get is
why isn’t Parrish fighting for Sheryl. She’s fine as all hell, successful and
you’re still in love with her.
PARRISH Was in love. Past tense.
CHAUNCEY That’s your ego speaking. What does
your heart say?
DICKIE Dude, you’re scaring me.
BLUE That babe said P wasn’t in her league.
Go back to that? Please. P is having the time of his life thanks to this
dating adventure.
PARRISH Now there’s been plenty of misses,
but I did meet Tina. She’s cool peeps--
BLUE And she got a phatty.
PARRISH True dat, but I’m anxious to see the
second half of the selections. I’m getting my swagger back.
DICKIE I’m living through you bruh. You’re
my personal Avatar.
BLUE Well strap in Dorothy, because
tonight I’m surprising you with your very own speed-dating session.
BLUE I felt the need to up the ante a bit,
so I posted a sign on the community board at the gym asking single ladies
to come through and get to know my boy Parrish.
DICKIE Sweet. Sweaty chicks. I’m watching
this while getting faded. Another round.
CHAUNCEY Great. There’s no telling what kind of
woman is coming down here. Classic Blue.
PARRISH Can you talk these things over with me
first before executing these poorly thought out plans?
BLUE Save your talking for the babes.
You got two minutes with each, then I’m blowing this horn. In then end, you pick
who you want a date with. Keep it moving.
GENEVA In a nutshell, I pull in $650K a year, so
I don’t need a man. A successful sista such as myself has an assortment of
needs that only a real man can fulfill. In layman’s terms, I expect
my back blown out every night with no unnecessary talking. So bring the
hardhat and goggles baby, because you got to dig deep with Geneva the Diva.
ZOEY MOON I thought I was gonna be late getting
here. This afternoon my roommate tried to possess me.
Silly girl.
GLORIA When my Harvey died, I thought I’d mix
things up a bit and satisfy some of my schoolgirl fantasies. Ever since
I saw Harry Belafonte singing the Banana Boat song at Carnegie Hall
in 60, I knew milk chocolate would someday be in my life. So here I am.
Oh I brought you some brownies; Extra chocolate is the secret.
MADAME X (kicks chair to the side)
I hope you’re a healthy man with a high tolerance for pain because
slave, my sessions aren’t for the faint-hearted. Do as I say or else.
(cracks whip) Now lick my boots.
TRISH Guys compliment me on my looks and
body all the time and rightfully so, but I’m ready to meet a normal guy.
someone good looking, dresses nice, but with nothing much going on, so
I can be the main attraction. My therapist said this would be good
for my self-esteem. And with these babies, all eyes
are on me.
BETTY I’m a divorcee, stay at home mother
of two, volunteer in 5 organizations, do carpooling on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
lifelong Republican, but voted for Obama-- My Goodness, this table is filthy.
I’m a big believer in cleanliness is closest to Godliness. My ex-husband
didn’t think so, which is why he’s my ex. Well he did buy the girls for me,
But lets not talk about him. Did I tell you that I do Pilates? I
can still fit in my cheerleading outfit? Go Team Go.
MARIBEL Father God we come here to bring
two God-fearing, Jesus loving souls looking for companionship made under
your guidance Father God. I pray that Parrish’s intentions are pure
and transparent Father God. And that he can manage to keep his hands off
my supple breasts and ripped fruit until holy matrimony or else, I will
cut him through the bone Father God. So what do you like to do in your spare time?
MIRANDA A VOICE told me that I would meet my
husband in 7 days. I just knew it was a sign. Parrish, I’m your future
wife Miranda and we’re suppose to cultivate a human colony on Mars.
RHEA Are you a winner? I’m a winner. If you want
To be a winner then you need to pick me. I was captain of the cheerleading team,
Track team, Captain of the debate team. I won a Gold medal. You know anyone who’s
Won a gold medal? You need to get with me.
CATHY I know. You recognize me from Girls
Gone Wild 7, 9, and 14, but that’s all behind me now.
JOSIE Don’t be thinking I can’t get no man
or nothing like that. Cuz as you see, I am the bomb. I just need the right
man that’s gonna accept my kids Nuvo, Aliza, and Infinite and the fact that
their daddy’s coming back in 8 – 10 years. But that don’t mean he gone be
hitting this again. You feel me?
BURNT OUT SINGER Look Baby Boy, I’m burnt out with all
the Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. I’m ready to set up base and get back
into a healthy dating scene—-as soon as this penicillin kicks in. I’ll be
good to go then. What do you say?
MELANIE Once I told him I had a bun in the
oven, he pulled a Houdini. Poof, gone just like that, but being knocked up
ain’t keeping me from dating. Look at me—-six months in and I
still look damn good.
OUT TO LUNCH If you elect me as your girlfriend….(jibberish)
DREA You know you kind of sweet. You kinda cute.
You got your Little hat on and your gray poppin. You’re accessorizing and shit. I did lesbo
thing when I was locked up, but only a man can truly
please me. Since being out, I got back in the game, got me a couple of corners
with some runners, but making paper ain’t nothing if you ain’t got no
boo to come home to. Feel me? Ride or Die. You’re hella sexy. What position
you like? Yeah, I know how to break shy ones
down. It’s all good.