An Evening With Kevin Smith - Wife Story part 2

Uploaded by dragonknightzz1 on 25.12.2008

Which could have really gone either way.
But she was just like, "That's kind of sweet."
I was like, "I do. I dig your ears. That's your best feature.
Your ears are very striking. I'll show you my tat if I can touch your ears."
And she said, "All right."
And I'm thinking, "I'm gonna get laid tonight."
She comes and sits next to me, I pull up my sleeve.
I have a long-sleeved shirt on, so it takes 10 minutes to pull up my sleeve.
My arm flab is hanging out the sides and I show her my tattoo.
She said, "That's so sweet." I said, "Let me touch your ears now."
I touch her ears, first time I'm actually touching her body...
...and I was immediately hard.
But she doesn't know that 'cause I'm wearing jeans.
She stays on the couch and we're just chatting.
At one point she just kind of lays in my lap.
She's like, "I'm so tired." I was like, "Why don't you lay down?"
So she lays down in my lap, you know, face up.
So I'm sitting there and she's sitting kind of under my gut...
...and I'm having to, like, pull my shit aside to see her eyes.
So she's laying with her head in my lap and I'm like:
"I gotta be an idiot not to go for it." 'Cause I don't know.
As far as I know, maybe she's just friendly... of those physically friendly people and if I try to kiss her...
...she's gonna be like, "Ew, no! I just like to lay my head in people's laps."
Then finally I was like, "You know, fuck it."
So we're looking at each other and I lean down and we kiss.
And I was like, "Holy shit, I think she likes me!"
So we re-position on the couch and start pretty heavily making out.
And she starts grinding into me, like, she starts dry humping me.
And I'm like, "I am fucking definitely getting laid tonight!"
But the problem is, she is grinding into me so hard...
...and my dick is in such an awkward position...
...that the inside of the zipper of my jeans... grinding against the back of my dick.
So here's, like, you know, here's the... Here's my dick.
Gotta be honest. Here's my dick.
This is the top, here's the back.
Like this is the front, and then there's like the cut here, and then...
So this area right here, you know, under the hood... The hood kind of...
You know, the collar goes away when you get hard.
Here is this getting just driven into the fucking zipper...
...through my underwear. Bang, bang, bang. Scraping.
And I'm sitting there making out, and I'm of two minds:
"This is awesome. I can't put a stop to this because who knows...
...where it's gonna go. This could be my first one-night stand.
Am I going to complain that it hurts?" The other side was like, "Fucking ow!"
And in my mind's eye, I'm just seeing it as...
...the fucking thing is falling off.
But I don't want to say anything 'cause it's going so well.
She says, "Don't you have to catch a plane?"
"Well, I was supposed to, but I'd be happy to stay. All night.
We don't have to do anything. I could sleep on the couch.
I just don't really want to go. I'm into sitting here making out with you."
She's like "All right," and we go back to making out.
She stands up, says, "Do you want to come into the bedroom?"
We go into the bedroom, she lights some candles...
...she goes into her bathroom, closes the door.
Immediately I'm like:
'Cause I want to see how bad the damage is.
And it's fucking bad.
It looks like... Under the tip of... Bear with me.
Under the tip of the back of my cock looks like a bullet wound.
It looked like somebody took a 9 and was like:
And at this point I have an open sore on my cock.
The thing they warn you about in phys. Ed. From 1987 forward:
Never have sex with an open wound. In all those years of school and... education, I was like, "Who would ever do that?"
I'm about to do it.
There's no way I'm gonna say no. She seems cool.
Maybe she's got VD, maybe she don't. I don't care.
I'm so wrapped up in the moment and the pain, I'm putting the pain away...
...trying to do Taoist theory on it.
"To be great is to go on, is to go forward, is to return... " you know.
She comes out, sexy shit on. We go to the bed, we start making out.
My clothes start coming off. I start blowing out candles.
'Cause she starts reaching for my shirt. I'm like:
I know if she gets one look, it's all over.
We start fooling around. Then suddenly, the moment of truth, man.
I'm like, "Do I just stop? Should I stop? No, fuck it."
And I'm inside.
And it was like sticking my dick in battery acid.
It just hurt so fucking much. And I was just like:
'Cause I'm a real I-lay-on-the-bed kind of guy.
Because if I'm on top and I lose my balance...
She's fucking dead.
"Are you all right?
Do you have any friends we could call, come pick me up?"
So she's on the top and she's going to town...
...and I'm in agony, but I'm like, "No way I'm putting a stop to it."
And finally it came to an end and we spent the night in each other's arms.
A year later, we were married. Sweet story. So after we're married...
After we're married for, I don't know, about a month...
...we were chitchatting about the origin of our relationship.
And I was like, "Did you know...
...that the first time we had sex, I was sporting an open wound?"
And she was like, "Qu'est-ce que c'est?"
"The first time we had sex, I had an open wound."
"What are you, fucking nuts?"
"Why would you tell me that now? What are you, some kind of pig?"
I said, "You created the open wound."
She said, "How?" "All the fucking dry humping."
"And you still went through with it?" "Yeah."
"Why?" And I was like, "'Cause I love you."
With just a Matty Damon, Academy Award-winning performance.
She said, "That is so sweet."
She got a little glassy-eyed. Cut back to a year before, I was like, "Ow! Ow!"
Wasn't really doing it for love, more: "Holy shit, this chick's fucking me!
And I just met her."
So that's the worst...
- I'll never work that into a script... - Oh, come on.
I just did it here and shit.
Everyone here would see the movie and be like, "Heard it."
"He's talking about his wife. She cut his dick wide open before they met.
Did a real Lorena Bobbitt on him and he still fucked her.
Because his options are limited."
But that was the worst kind of sexual experience that I ever had.
- But I married the chick, so it's okay. - Thanks.
You're welcome. Thanks for making me expose some...
Just flashing on the moment your parents are writing tuition checks:
"I wonder what the 5000-dollar student-activity fund fee is for?"
So you can sit here and listen to how I cut my fucking cock open.