Beth of the Week - 7/27/12 (Full Ep)

BETH HOYT: It's 4:00 p.m.
Eastern.
The Summer Olympics of 2012 are beginning right now.
So is this show.
Let's do this.
Watch this now.

Hi, friends.
We made it to Friday.
I had a tough week.
I gave up coffee this week--
well, for a few hours.
OK, on Sunday I told myself I was going on a cleanse.
You know, that "day after a wedding" mantra you go
through, no more solid food, no more
caffeine, no more alcohol.
And then that night I had--
well, that night I had a margarita, kind of just to
even myself out.
And then on Monday morning, I was like, OK, I'm
going to do this now.
It's on.
And then I decided that after breakfast, I would start it.
And then it's just kind of been a downward spiral.
Basically, I've had maybe more caffeine, and more coffee, and
more wine, and more of those chips that you tell yourself
aren't chips because they're organic or
sweet potato or whatever.
But then when you eat the whole bag, you just have to
tell yourself that you have to stop lying to yourself and
realize what you've done.
Also, do you ever wish that you could disappear from what
you're talking about in the moment, but still have
yourself doing your job?
Oh, wait.
How about we leave the live me and we take a look at the Beth
of the Week, because it was such a great week here.
On Tuesday, Wheezy Waiter was here.
Wheezy Waiter.
We wore matching T-shirts, and we threw
Jonases into the whale.
And Gilbert Gottfried was here on Wednesday.
It got kind of steamy in here.
I handled it just cool as a cucumber.
Trish hosted yesterday.
Was that fun?
Wait, how about you guys just watch this.

It's hard to Channing Hatum.
WHEEZY WAITER: Well, I haven't hung out with a lot of sea
lions since the '80s, back when it was cool.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
I'm free, I'm free.
It was Katie Holmes.
Does it still taste like chicken?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Well, the last time I had oral sex with
one, it did taste like chicken, yes.
BETH HOYT: OK.
TRISH: What would you do with a million dollars?
I know exactly what I'd do with a million dollars.
I would feed the poor and the starving in this world.
It's terrible the way people are dying.
[LAUGHS]
I wouldn't.
I would not do that.
I would buy a house.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
Get in there.
What does Beth smell like?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Like chicken.
BETH HOYT: OK.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: No, no.
She tastes like chicken.
BETH HOYT: "How hard can you raise the roof?" OK, GeeAnn.
OK, you asked for it.

I know.
WHEEZY WAITER: I still don't understand why I'm second.
BETH HOYT: You got those points, though.
Congratulations on that.
WHEEZY WAITER: Non-
BETH HOYT: Yep.
Good job, though.
WHEEZY WAITER: How about "winner?"
BETH HOYT: Nope, not that one.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Man, would I like to [BLEEP]
that.

AGENT SPARKS: Stop sending me invites.
I'm never going to attend your party or your
event, or your thing.
It's stupid.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Agent Sparks, you are all
clear to take the shot.
Eliminate the target with the glasses.
-Clear.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Time is running out.
Take out the target.
-Almost got it.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): The window is closing.
-Almost got it.
[NOTIFICATION ALERT]
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Susan has
invited you to the event--
SUSAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god, I'm 26 and getting really old
birthday bash.
-I'm very busy at work right now.
Can we please talk about this later?
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Stuart has
invited you to the event--
STUART (OFFSCREEN): It's Disco Thursday at Cha-Cha Ch--
-No.
Get out of my shot.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Eddie has
invited you to the event--
EDDIE (OFFSCREEN): I'm going out to get drunk-- yeah-- and
throw up all over myself.
-That is not an event.
It's a plan.
And no, I'm not going.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Agent Sparks, has the target
been eliminated?
Agent Sparks?
AGENT SPARKS (OFFSCREEN): Stay right there.
AGENT SPARKS (OFFSCREEN): Victor has invited you--
[GLASS BREAKING]
-Whoa!
VICTOR (OFFSCREEN): Come hear me read poetry.
-Stop inviting me to your stupid shit.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Come play video games with me on
Xbox Live.
-No.
I don't live in Texas.
Are you kidding me?
I am not coming to your house.
No, no, no, no.
That's two years from now.
I can't commit to that.
No.
No, I'm not coming to your pillow fight.
I'm an adult.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Hunter has
invited you to the event--
HUNTER (OFFSCREEN): The zombie apocalypse.
-There is no such thing as a zombie.
HUNTER (OFFSCREEN): Read me a bedtime story.
-[GRUMBLING]
No, no, please don't go.
I'll send you an invite.

Shit.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Come in, Agent Sparks.
What is your status?
Can you confirm a kill?
-Uh, target's a no-show.

BETH HOYT: I'm back.
Guess what, you guys?
I have a special Friday treat for you.
It's a My Damn Channel original premiere on Friday.
Who's ready for a new episode of You Suck at Photoshop?
Hands, so many hands.
Donnie has made it back home.
He's de-squatted his house of freeloading inhabitants and is
ready to take care of business.
Oh, boy.
Let's take a look.
Here it is, the premiere of a
brand-new You Suck at Photoshop.

DONNIE (OFFSCREEN): My name is Donnie,
and you suck at Photoshop.
But don't worry, there's a place for
people just like you--
last place.
[SMALL LAUGH]
Let's say you just returned home from an epic journey, and
only to find that your land-ominium had been occupied
for the last four years by squatters.
And so you had to spend the last few days de-squatting
your house.
And after all that hard work, you come in to find that--
that your Inbox is filling up with emails from some creepy
sex mailer who thinks that you are your nemesis
who you have come--
who you've returned to duel with.
And so--
and what's more infuriating is that--
I mean, she clearly has a very loose
grasp on sexual innuendo.
A lot of things don't quite make sense.
She, fortunately, has provided a photo of herself that we'll
use in just a moment.
But this is the guy who stole your wife and put a baby in
her and kicked you out of your own life.
And now he's mess-- "hot pie in the window sill," doesn't
make much sense.
He's trying to destroy even her life now.
And because you've decided that you're coming back to--
to--
to win her back and rescue her, that this is even more
infuriating than ever before.
Again with the pie.
It's confusing.
But what we're going to do is we're gonna-- we're gonna use
this opportunity.
We've been waiting to respond to any of these emails, which,
of course, will seem like they're coming
back from him to--
to Lady Dance-a-Lot.
And we're going to do something.
We're going to trick up this photo, and insult her, and
hopefully wreak a little bit of havoc on his end.
So what-- what could we do?
We could jack this thing up?
We could put--
we could put pole scars on her.
We could put stretch marks--
things you might find on a stripper.
I think we should do something very simple and elegant.
And we should--
we should change the--
the-- the color of her stripidermis, her greasy, uh,
skank skin.
And we sh--
we'll do it using a feature called Color Range.
Now, I know--
I know you're starting to get sort of hot sweats around--
you know, Donnie, we choked on our Nerds Rope the last time
you tried to teach us Color Range.
It's--
it's all right.
Adobe's made it a little bit easier for exactly
your type of person.
So we're going to click Sampled Colors.
And look, they've included this thing called Skin Tone
Aware Selection.
Click that, and it's going to automatically go
out and find the--
the stripper flesh that we want to impact.
So let's click OK.
Now, this didn't quite get all of our shadows.
We don't need to worry about it now.
You can go back and experiment with adding in-- if you wanted
to get this sort of under-whore area here, you
could-- you could go in and add that in.
But we're just going to go to Image Adjust, Hue Saturation.
And we're gonna-- we're gonna start to take this to a color
that just sort of says, you're disgusting, and this is what I
think about you, and I think there's a chance that you
have, you know, possibly some medical conditions of which
I'm not even aware.
But that's how much I don't trust you in this
relationship.
We want this photo to say all of those things.
Click OK.
And now we have a pretty good start.
And that's going to be good enough.
So let's Save As and take this out here.
Let's go back down to our email.
Hit Reply.
And she's going to be fooled into thinking this
is coming from him.
Photoshop gives us the opportunity to create an image
that says, I--
I care about you.
I--
I--
you're very special to me.
And--
and contrarily, to create an image that says, I think most
of you may be infected.

And--
and Send.
This won't cause too much trouble, right?

BETH HOYT: Oh, my goodness.
Well, that's not the last we'll hear from Donnie.
There are more skills to learn.
If you haven't seen the first seasons of You Suck at
Photoshop, then you should do that over the weekend.
You can find it on our playlist at
youtube.com/mydamnchannel.
Next week, on Monday, we'll be looking at the comments, in
the live comments.
Get in the chat, and watch it, and hang out with me.
On Tuesday, we have an Olympic show with Pete & Pete.
And on Wednesday, it's My Damn Channel's fifth birthday.
It'll be a huge birthday party.
Subscribe to our show.
Have a great weekend.
I'm going to cleanse this weekend.
Well, the weekend can start tomorrow, right?
[MUSIC PLAYING]