Drake, Funny Videos & Summer Love: VICE Today 001

Hey, I'm Ryan Duffy, and welcome to VICE Today.

On today's episode our resident office nerd, Thomas
Morton, is going to run you through his favorite YouTube
videos of all time.
Then Shan's going to take to the streets to talk to people
about their plans for summer love.
But first up, Hanson O'Haver, a weird little house plant who
sits in the corner of our office, is going to talk to
you about his favorite rapper of all time.

HANSON O'HAVER: Hey.
I'm Hanson O'Haver.
Welcome to This Week in Drake, VICE's look at what Drake's
been up to lately.
So there were really two big pieces of
Drake news this week.
The first is that he announced a tour that's sort of like a
monsters of blog rap tour.
It's with 2 Chainz, formerly Tity Boi, J Cole, Waka Flocka
and the geographically confoundingly
named French Montana.
Personally, I'm not really a big fan of concerts because I
think all the best Drake songs are kind of sad and about
being lonely.
I think it's sort of weird to be 2,000 people in the room
feeling alienated.
The other piece of news.
He was in Miami alongside Birdman, Lil' Wayne and DJ
Khaled filming a video for "HYFR." Personally, I think
that "HYFR" is probably one of the worst songs on Take Care
just because the chorus of "hell yeah, fucking right" is
really dumb to just repeat that over and over.
Doesn't really do much for me.
And also because in the song, Drake and Lil' Wayne talk
about fucking the same girls, and it's kind of weird.
I just think Lil' Wayne's sort of gross.
But to be fair to Wayne, I knew this girl in high school
that moved to LA, and I heard that she sucked his dick, and
nothing bad happened to her.
She's fine and everything.
So if Drake's cool with that, more power to Drake.
But anyways, the video's supposed to
be bar mitzvah themed.
I never got a chance to go to a bar mitzvah, so I hope that
the video will kind of show me what that's all about.
Take care.

RYAN DUFFY: So just to recap, Hanson is legitimately
concerned, like really honest to God worried, about Lil'
Wayne's STDs.
But he's also excited to learn about a Jewish rite of passage
via a Drake music video.
So up next we've got What You're
Watching with Thomas Morton.
I was actually a little worried about this show
because I feel like Thomas, as much as I love him, is a bit
of a weirdo, and not many people understand
his sense of humor.
As it turns out, Thomas is a complete savant when it comes
to hilarious videos on YouTube.

THOMAS MORTON: Hi.
Welcome to the VICE offices.
As you can see, everybody here is doing a very good job
looking busy.
They're all at computers though, which means what
they're actually doing is basically what you're doing.
Screwing around on the internet.
I work on a computer too.
I'm no stranger to YouTube links.
And so I decided to put together a few of my favorites
from this week.
Come enjoy the cream of the crap.

Since it's our first week together, a way of forging a
little bond of intimacy with us, I figured instead of doing
the week's round up, I would kind of dig back into the
personal archives and share with you five of my, maybe not
all-time favorites, but I think significant YouTube
clips from my own life.
The first one is completely self-contained and
self-explanatory.
It's an Asian reporter going down a slide.
REPORTER: [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SHOUTING]
THOMAS MORTON: Look, I'm not going to try to--
kind of want to make that my ring tone, to be frank.
The next video is what qualifies as a griefing video.
It's labeled an epic troll, which is kind of
like slander and libel.
They're both more or less the same term.
The audio is piped in, which makes it even funnier.
And then to emphasize that and make sure you understand
exactly what swears they're sputtering,
they've added text.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [BRITISH ACCENT]
Fucking, cock-sucking prick, yeah.
Fucking play the game properly, you little shit.
THOMAS MORTON: As a veteran of many busted NES controllers
and harsh words to my mom in other rooms, I think it's not
only par for the course, but it's kind of
like grunting in tennis.
It gives you--
it helps you play better.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [BRITISH ACCENT]
You stupid prick.
MALE SPEAKER 2: You fuckin' gay bitch.
THOMAS MORTON: So the deal with this kid is--
I think it's like a 10-year-old who has a camera
but probably also autism.
So this is just one video from this kid who has a whole page
that you should subscribe to immediately.
Because all his videos are of--
not of him but of what he sees through the camera, and then
him talking about the camera and kind of getting angry
about the camera's occasional non-functionality.

MALE SPEAKER 3: Dang it.
Can't zoom up on this camera.

Wonder if all these people have ever heard of
the camera I have.

THOMAS MORTON: This is a little more cerebral fare.
It's a robotic birth simulator as being demonstrated by a guy
who has clearly been inside a countless number of vaginas.
He makes Wilt Chamberlain look like Tiny Tim, basically.
MALE SPEAKER 4: Often junior doctors can place the first
blade but have a lot of difficulties to place the
second blade.
THOMAS MORTON: I cannot believe this hasn't been taken
down and moved to Redtube yet.
MALE SPEAKER 4: And the junior doctor has to go through the
spheres in order to place the forceps.

THOMAS MORTON: This last clip was a favorite of our British
office for a while.
I think because all British people are racist against
every other country in Europe.
It's a pool girl at--
as evidenced by the bathing suits-- a Eastern European
party of some sort in the mother of all K-holes.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
THOMAS MORTON: Thanks.
Really hope you enjoyed this.
And don't not come back again.
Subscribe to our channel and keep on YouTubeing in the
YouTube world.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
RYAN DUFFY: Last up, we sent the nicest person we have ever
met in our lives, Shan Shan, out to the streets of New York
to talk about summer love.
Hi, I'm [? Shan ?]
Huang.
I'm with VICE.com.
Today we're here to find out people's
plans for summer loving.
I'm wondering what's your plan as far as summer loving goes.
MALE SPEAKER 5: As far as what?
MALE SPEAKER 6: Summer living?
SHAN HUANG: Summer loving.
MALE SPEAKER 6: Somewhere loving?
SHAN HUANG: Summer.
Summer.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: Summer is the worst period
to find a good guy.
MALE SPEAKER 7: Girls in NYC are a little bit more guarded.
You walk down the street, you try to talk to one, they think
you're a psycho or something.
MALE SPEAKER 8: In general, I live and love.
So I love all humans.
So I get to be in love all the time.
SHAN HUANG: Where do you think is the sexiest place in Paris?
MALE SPEAKER 9: My home.

SHAN HUANG: Do you mind to tell us your location?
MALE SPEAKER 9: No.
SHAN HUANG: Men who wear shorts.
Do you think they're sexy?
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: No.
SHAN HUANG: What about flip-flops?
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Flip-flops?
SHAN HUANG: Do you think French people
are into Asian girls?
MALE SPEAKER 9: No.
MALE SPEAKER 8: I definitely like certain things.
I like light skin.
I like half black half white.
I like Latin girls.
But then again, Scarlett Johannson is awesome.
When I get some more external power, I'm totally going to
take you on a date.
SHAN HUANG: Do you think you'll bring God to the
bedroom with you?
MALE SPEAKER 8: I don't leave God anywhere.
I make love.
I don't fuck anymore.
SHAN HUANG: If you can take a girl that you love on a date
in the summer, where would you like to bring her to?
MALE SPEAKER 6: In the summer, somewhere nice.
First I'd like to know her first.
Because you can't just take any girl anywhere.
Right?
MALE SPEAKER 7: The woods.
Lot more fun.
Tie each other to trees.
It's all fun and games.
Just don't do it during hunting season.
SHAN HUANG: Are you afraid that while that's happening,
you hear people shooting guns?
MALE SPEAKER 7: The gunshots don't bother me.
I'm a gun owner.
SHAN HUANG: How can a girl catches your eye?
MALE SPEAKER 6: Catch my eye?
One girl?
Be alone.
RYAN DUFFY: Hope you enjoyed this episode of VICE Today.
If you liked it, please subscribe.
And don't worry.
We're not going to send you a whole bunch of bullshit.
It's just an easier way to find out about all the great
shit we're about to do.
Thanks for watching.