Beth of the Week - 6/22/12 (Full Ep)

BETH HOYT: Pizza party, personal pan, pepperoni,
private, pineapple pizza party day.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi friends.
It's Friday.
It's Friday here at My Damn Channel.
I tell you what, I'm tired because we had
a huge week, right?
It was a long week.
And I started off jet-lagged from LA.
And it was my birthday on Monday, so just, you know, the
amount of exhaustion that comes with feeling that
special for a day, you know?
And then the crying yourself to sleep at night because was
it special enough?
Just really handicapped me for a bit for the week, you know?
Also it was crazy here.
Chris Crocker, Kurt Bronneler, Gilbert
Gottfried, Mark Melkoff.
I've been having male guests every day of the week, if you
know what I mean.
If you don't, it's the Beth of The Week.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Isn't this fun?

I was in LA at the Young Hollywood Awards.
I was being presented with an award called Best Award that I
made up for myself.
And let me tell you, I deserved it.
FEMALE SPEAKER: What's your favorite dance move and why?
OK, I've said this in videos before.
My favorite dance move is the tap and point.
Tap, point, tap, point, tap, point.
BETH HOYT: You know I didn't even bother to look at my
clothes when I picked them up.
And I just-- wouldn't you know it?
When I got home, I realized they had given me someone
else's dry cleaning.
KURT: No.
BETH HOYT: Yes.
KURT: No.
BETH HOYT: What age do you begin to feel different?
MAKE SPEAKER: I mean, I'm different?
I didn't know I was.
BETH HOYT: Unfortunately now, you know, we don't have time
for that segment now.
That's fine.
KURT: Slant.
BETH HOYT: Gosh, it's worth it.
KURT: That's a segment on itself.
Will Beth Lee be a winner?
Find out right after this.

And we are back.
MAKE SPEAKER: Yeah, the person who did Vanilla Ice's Cool As
Ice, uhm, I unfriended them.
Booyah.
KURT: That's how we have real fun.
Russian roulette.
BETH HOYT: Oh, gosh.
KURT: Oh.
BETH HOYT: Oh, my gosh.
Rob, where am I?
KURT: This is fun.
Where are you?
Oh, you're on the Titanic.
BETH HOYT: Oh, lovely.
KURT: It's going down.
It is--
we are on our own cultural Titanic and this is the end.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DONNIE: My name is Donnie and you suck at Photoshop.
You're the worst.
You're the Nickleback at Photoshop.

You're Nickleback.

You're in a tomb.
You're in--
I-- you were-- got hit over the head while you were in
Istanbul trying to make a clean living and you woke up
in a stone temple, remote, in the dark, all alone.
And somehow your-- its--
amazingly your laptop still has battery.
You still have a laptop.
And maybe even more miraculously you
have a Wi-Fi signal.
So we--
skip down to Photoshop.
But while we were lying on the floor of the tomb, looked up
on the wall and saw in our face a hieroglyphic that says
a lot, doesn't it?
Two men battling for a box, a beautiful box that we've been
in love with all this time, a box that we just want to get
home to, a box worth fighting for.
And if we're going to fight, we want to
fight on even terms.
And we want to make these two competitors--
we--
because quite frankly, the thought of going home-- if we
were to make it home and get into some sort of UFC type
face mashing fight, really would love that to be on an
even playing field.
So what we're going to do is we're going to turn this--
this--
our nemesis, this fish headed, toilet hat wearing person
into-- into an equal competitor.
And so we're going to use the clone source tool.
And I know you're saying, Donnie, I know how to use the
clone stamp tool.
You don't know how to use the Clone Stamp tool.
You used your sister's student ID to get an academic discount
license version of Photoshop so that you could use the glow
edges filter and create avatars for Friendster.
You don't know how to use the Clone Stamp tool.
Go to View, Window, Clone Source.
And we're going to use-- this is--
this is going to be the hardest thing
that you've ever learned.
And it's good that I'm going to die in this box that I
don't have to see how terrible you apply it.
Go grab your clone stamp tool and what we're going to do is
we're going to clone stamp this guy onto this guy.
So Option, Click where you want to paint.
And then holding the Option button down, Option, Click
what you want to clone.
And now you'll see that we've got our clone source.
And over here are multiple sources that we can use.
We'll come back to that in a moment.
Hold-- just don't--
don't cry.
Everything's going to be fine.
So let's line this up.
And if you need a little bit of help, you can click the
Invert button, which will allow you to see a bit more of
an overlay.
You can also change that to difference to-- to find the
right shadow sources.
But let's go back to normal and let's
just start clone stamping.
And you'll see that we can-- we've got a pretty good
matchup here.
It's shifts a bit but, honestly the fact that we're
about to asphyxiate doesn't really make
it matter that much.
Now, we can go through here and change all of these
elements to get to equitability.
But let's say that we wanted to take this part of the stone
and bring it over here, we'll just use a
different clone source.
So click this clone source and do the same thing.
We want to paint--
uh--
we want to paint on here from here.
So Option, Click this side, then Option, Click over here.
And now we'll bring this stone over to this side.
It's not that hard you idiot.
I don't even know why I teach you all this stuff.
Why do I teach you this stuff?
Who are you?
Who are you?
Why am I making these videos?
Who am I talking to?
No, what-- what's happening to me?
[STONES DRAGGING]
[FOOT STEPS]
How did you find me?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Hey folks, Gilbert Gottfried here.
So a man in London has started a business that takes the
ashes of recently cremated people and presses them into a
vinyl record.
Look, I get it.
You want your dead relatives to live on.
And what better way than by playing a couple deep cuts
from their corpse.
What do you think of my grandma?
She's got a nice beat and she's easy to dance to.
I can't imagine anything more offensive than my loved ones
being pressed into vinyl, except maybe eight-track.
Maybe people should be made into CDs so you can skip right
to your favorite parts of them.
For Christians, MP3s would definitely be the best, then
you could store them in the cloud.
Where's grandma?
She's up there.
Meanwhile, the town of Middleborough, Massachusetts
has voted to issue a $20 citation to people
who swear in public.
Look, I get it.
There are a lot of towns in Massachusetts and you need to
find a way to stand out as the dumbest.
$20 might not seem like a big fine.
But the first thing you say when you're handed a ticket
for swearing is, what the fuck is this?
Then you get another and you say, thanks a lot asshole.
And eventually the town has all your money.
It's just going to keep everyone inside their homes
where they're safe to yell about what a stupid fucking
idea this is.
Finally, a Florida couple has been arrested because police
say they googled ways to kill people in their sleep minutes
before their friend was strangled to death.
Look, I get it.
You're a dumb enough to murder someone but not smart enough
to know how to do it.
If you have to ask how to kill someone, maybe it's best not
to ask the big computer that now runs the world.
Personally, I've always thought of murder to be a do
it yourself kind of project.
If you Google something, there's no going back.
Just for example, uhm, you happen to google how to break
into Mila Kunis's house.
That's going to stick with you.
Trust me.
My advice is if you're looking to cover your tracks, distract
the investigator with other incriminating searches.
My search history from this week includes how to destroy
the NAF and [INAUDIBLE] best place to hide small human
bones, soaking bullets in poison, faking your own birth,
and puppy adoption services.
The authorities will have no idea where to start.
I'm always looking for more weird crap to rant about.
So if you've got something good, just
send it to me on Twitter.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go Google how to kill
a talking duck.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: All right, that's it for today on My Damn
Channel Live.
Enjoy the first official summer weekend.
What, you say.
I know.
I don't know about you guys, but I have already worn a
swimsuit and burnt myself in an unflattering fashion.
I hope the same for you this weekend.
Daily Grace is hosting from LA on Monday.
Tune in and subscribe bitches.
You're my favorite.
Bye.
[MUSIC PLAYING]