Кин-дза-дза! 2 серия / Kin-dza-dza! film 2

Uploaded by mosfilm on 28.07.2011

Short Chatlian-Patsak Dictionary
KETSE - a match TSAK - a bell for the nose
ETSIKH - a bin for prisoners
ETSILOPP - a representative of the authorities
PEPELATS - a spaceship
GRAVITSAPPA - a detail of the pepelats engine
KU - an obscenity accepted by society
KOO - all other words
- Hi! - Hello.
Long time no see.
Hey, wait a second.
I have a suggestion.
What are we thinking about you? Come on.
Penetrate our brains.
Why are you badgering us? What do you want?
- Have you no shame? - And what about you?
We're just poor, wretched, hungry artistes.
Have we done you any wrong? Why are you pursuing us?
Give me your contraption.
Tune it up.
Good. Come on.
One, two, three.
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
Mama, mama, how am I to live?
I have no warm coat,
I have no warm underwear.
Shut up. You have no ear.
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
Mama, mama, how am I to Iive?
Uncle Vova, do it again.
- They like it. - They dig it.
One, two!
An etsilopp!
Koo! Koo!
Artistes, where's our pigsty?
- The pepelats? - Yes.
Over there.
- We're out of luts. - Because of you, bastard.
Violinist, what are you doing? Hoodlum!
- Leave me alone. - My dear.
This is the last breath. A grave.
- And you said you had high rating. - He's a braggart.
You win at the expense of my brains.
If you had brains,
you'd be at the International Institute now, instead of bullshitting us here.
Let's play again. You stake the violin, the case and the tooth stick.
And this.
All right?
All right. And you - the contraption, the visator and Mr. Uef's lifeblood.
- It's possible. - Come on.
Uncle Vova.
You should fix the tsappa.
- Here, do it yourself! - I can't, I'm a chatlian.
Get out of here!
When it comes to giving advice, they are all chatlians, but when it's work...
- Kindermate. - Unfair play.
You deliberately thought out my moves badly.
You should play with your own brains.
How can he play with his brains if he's seeing those dolls for the first time?
None of my business. Give me my win.
No way.
Uef, have you ever seen such a little patsak
being so mercenary a ku?
Never. I said we didn't need the violinist. Here's the result.
Hey, boss!
And you said, the tsappa.
Does no one sing in cages on your planet?
Mister Bi, on Earth only beasts are put in cages.
The beasts, are they chatlians?
I don't know. But it looks like it.
So the nightingale is a patsak?
Why patsak?
You said yourself that he sings without a cage.
So he's a patsak.
You see?!
You got as flagrant a racism as it is here, on Plyuk.
Only power was seized not by chatlians, but by patsaks,
such as you and your friend, the nightingale.
Let me do it.
Here, four gulps.
Water for the kid.
You owe us 6,042 matchboxes. Violinist, write it down.
I have already.
Want it?
It's free.
What are you doing? What about me? What about me?
What about me? What about me?
I'm giving 10 more matchboxes. Have some water.
- A motorboat! - It's not a motorboat.
It's a luts station.
- Let's fill up. - No!
It's automatic, but the next one has a woman.
We'll perform, she'll give us a discount.
Stop loafing, Uncle Vova.
Come on, dear, let's fly.
If there had been a sea here, why are there no shells?
Do you still have seas on Earth?
We have seas, and we have rivers.
And we have decent people too, Mister Uef.
Savages! I feel like crying.
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
Mama, mama, how am I to live?
I have no warm coat,
I have no warm underwear.
Too bad my bosses can't see me now. They would've given me a raise.
Quiet, Uncle Vova. She's looking at us.
They took the woman out and put a machine in.
Take as much as we can afford. We'll fly a part of the way at least.
The luts is not sold by parts.
The luts costs 10 chatls a charge.
And we got only 7.
How far is it to the center from here?
160 kilometers.
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatls.
In his right galosh.
Hey, chatlian!
Come on, take your right felt boot off.
Come on, koo, koo.
Ku, you pest!
Sit down!
Why? They're not etsilopps.
It's Pezhe with his patsak.
You don't sit down - you get an etsikh with nails for life.
And who is he?
There, did you see it?
It's holography, my dear!
The violin!
Cool it! Freeze! Quiet!
And you said koo.
It's not a dirigible, blockhead.
It's the last breath of Mr. Pezhe.
One man couldn't breathe out so much air before his death. It's absurd.
Don't you fear the wrath of heavens?! Pezhe is alive, and I'm happy.
And I'm even happier.
This way.
Come on, get in.
- Plastic? - No.
Don't they have a decent entrance to this supermarket?
You have to pay chatls for a decent entrance, my dear.
- Let's go. - Get away!
Violinist, patsaks ride in there.
- Koo. - Koo.
What are they doing?
It's Mr. Pezhe's fourth pump.
I love Pezhe so much!
And I koo him even more!
Here they make water out of luts.
- What are they yelling? - They're selling.
- What are they selling? - Everything.
Let's take a gravitsappa.
Gravitsappas are in another section.
First we must know the tentura of Earth.
Yellow pants, two koos.
Koo, koo.
Koo! Koo!
Think the orbit's diameter of your planet.
I don't remember. You think, violinist.
No, we don't need the violinist. You think.
All right.
Think the specific gravity of your planet's core.
The specific gravity? No, I don't remember.
All right, I see.
Think the names of the planets you know in your galaxy.
Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus.
There was the crystal of introduction! Where's the crystal of introduction?
Violinist, put it back!
I thought it was nothing.
Just a piece of glass.
You damn fool.
Enough of gritting your brains, you dolt.
There's your planet, 013 in the tentura, to the left of Big Bear.
If you want to talk, pay another chatl.
- Pardon? - Think your phone number, koo.
And say about matches into it.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Talk into here.
Hello? Who is it?
Talk. The time's ticking.
Lyusia, can you hear me? It's me!
Vova, where are you?!
I'm here.
How are you? How is Kirill?
Where are you, Vova?
I'm here, it's some place. I'll explain to you later.
How's mother feeling? Did you visit her?
I did. But where are you?
Listen, you patsak girl. Stop this bullshit.
Go and buy 2 crates of ketse, or we'll find him another...
Go away!
Lyusia! Lyusia!
Lyusia, my dear!
Lyusia, take the phone, call Manokhin
and tell him that the keys from the bathroom equipment are in my wagon,
on the floor under the locker.
- Did you understand everything? - Yes, I understood everything.
Connect me, please, to Batumi, 3-47-57.
tell them to get Alik.
No. Lay off, you thief.
Something wrong?
Nothing wrong. Only Earth is far away.
We have to warm up for 7 minutes instead of 5.
So let's go and prepare the tsappa for the gravitsappa.
Astronauts, which one is the tsappa?
The rusty nut over there, my dear.
You got everything rusty here.
That one is the rustiest.
Are you absolute nuts?!
Oh-oh-oh, oh boy, Lyusia and Manokhin shifted in space.
What do you know!
Uncle Vova!
The match is in the cap!
It's strange. Why did they fly?
They got the match to buy a gravitsappa, and they know Earth's tentura.
Comrade etsilopp!
Comrade etsilopp!
They've stolen our things! Catch them!
Catch them!
40 chatls.
No chatls. Our guide got everything. And the violin is not theirs!
They didn't koo'd before the video Pezhe.
Why are you staring? Why are you staring?
I'll report to your bosses that you knew and took no action.
They'll tranklucate you to hell!
I did take action, I pressed the kappa right away.
The violinist is my witness.
To all posts! Bring the pigsty with wheels here. Koo.
There's nothing in there.
Open it.
Show him.
It's vinegar.
None of your business.
I'll tranklucate the patsak,
the chatlian will get an etsikh with nails for life.
Brothers, brothers, my dear patsaks,
tell the truth, how I did sit-downs,
how this chatlian pressed the kappa.
Shut up.
Uncle Vova!
- Parasite! - Shut up yourself!
Vova, my friend!
Gedevan Alexandrovich, genatsvale! Tell that it was him.
- No! - He didn't sit down.
- I'll give you the pepelats. - Uncle Vova, the pepelats is mine!
Cool it, cool it.
Just a second.
No one cursed anyone. Everybody did sit-downs like monkeys.
I made a mistake.
And it was me who brought the ketse.
What ketse?
The match you took out of the cap.
There was no match, no match.
Uncle Vova, what are you saying, my dear?
Sorry, I forgot.
There was no match.
No match.
Both get an etsikh without nails for life, until they pay up.
The pay-up is 500 chatls, 250 apiece.
Thank you!
Patsak, glue up the violin and sing songs, violinist!
Guys, it was a joke about the match, we just wanted to please you!
On the river, on the river, On a steep river bank
Koo Marusya with white...
Hello, Earthman!
I'm sure one day you'll fly to this planet, too.
Greetings to you from Vladimir Nikolayevich Mashkov,
a builder from Moscow,
and Gedevan Aleksidze from Batumi,
the first men to set their feet on those lousy sands at the backyard of Universe.
Brother patsak, throw in more of your ruberoid, you got only water there.
Tell him to give me something else.
Who knows, maybe at that time
somebody who knew me would be still alive.
Tell them that I didn't steal the violin.
Look, it's as good as new.
There's one more piece.
It happens. Sometimes.
Lots of calories?
Earthmen, who presses like that?
I had a hard time finding you. Good thing there's memory.
Here's your sock. Thanks.
If you want, I can move you over to Earth.
I now know your number in the tentura.
But hurry up, because one second here equals a half-year there.
All right, we press it to Earth now,
get the matches, come back and trade them for our guys.
- We go to Moscow, you go home. - I can't. There're only 3 charges.
That's great.
Just enough for going there, here and back.
And what about me?
- Listen, friend... - Koo.
- Koo! - Koo!
Make your mind, yes or no? To the count of 3. One.
- Wait. - Two.
Put yourself in my place. They're sitting there because of me.
And my little son has got that big a beard now.
Two and a half. Two and a half!
No, I can't do it this way.
Who needs all that?! Tsaks, tsaraks - it's all garbage!
Where did you get this?
It lay idle on a shelf at the planetarium.
Violinist, my dear kleptomaniac, you filched a gravitsappa.
Patsaks. Patsaks!
Why are you performing here standing? You can do it standing only over there.
The etsilopp didn't let us there.
Here you may do it only on your knees.
Never mind, we're fine like this... Pay up.
All right.
Come on, behave yourself.
Uncle Vova.
Your coat matches my hat.
How you doing?
What's new on Plyuk?
I'm not in good voice today.
Koo! Koo!
Vladimir Nikolayevich, I can't go on anymore.
Stay cool, violinist.
- How much is this? - One hundred.
We seem to have sung right.
- And this? - 50.
All right...
An etsilopp.
Patsaks, why aren't you with muzzles?
Turn around.
Mister Pezhe has ordered all patsaks to wear muzzles.
And rejoice.
All right, this is for me. And this is for you.
And this is for you.
Why aren't you rejoicing? I'm talking to you!
Come on, raise your tranklucator, chatlian.
- Put it on. - Yes, sir.
And rejoice.
I'm rejoicing! Oh, look, Pezhe is here!
Get up!
Get up!
Open your mouth. Wider.
Violinist, the gag.
Turn around!
Your nose!
Give us the money.
Here, hold it like this.
Take it off, too.
If you just think that this junk is not a tranklucator,
it's going to be the last thought in your chatlian head.
Take the shortest route to the etsikh now!
All lie down for half an hour!
- Straight ahead! - Straight ahead!
Move it!
- Koo! - Excuse me, granny.
She's Pezhe's mother.
Pezhe's mother!
Pezhe's mother.
A video?
Everybody into the trough! Move it!
Open the door.
And stay there for 24 hours!
Do you koo or not koo?
Here. Koo!
- Koo. - Koo!
- Which number? - The last one.
Hey, chatlian, sing!
Cut it out, violinist.
Roll out the last but one.
- Ku! - Vanish!
Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
Get out.
- We can't. - They'll catch us.
We got a gravitsappa.
Koo, Uncle Vova!
Koo, koo.
Cut it.
Push it!
Uncle Vova, help me to roll the etsikh out!
Forget it!
Vladimir Nikolayevich!
Mankind's worked for thousands of years for the sake of a pebble from the Moon,
and here we have a live ET and an etsikh made of unknown metal!
Forget it, I said!
- The tsappa. - Yes, the tsappa.
The tsappa!
- Press the tsappa! - I did!
- Are we flying? - We're starting it up.
Hurry up, they may come to any minute!
Don't be in the way.
We've landed.
Landed where?
What Khanud?
- The planet I was born on. - Me too.
- It's nighttime. - It's always nighttime here now.
- Put this on. - What for?
There's no bloody air here.
How can you live here?
No one lives here anymore.
The Plyukans tranklucated us while we were on tour.
- For what? - For not tranklucating them sooner.
And them, what for?
For looming overhead.
- So everyone had died? - Sure.
Vova, I have a suggestion.
The planet Khanud costs just kopecks now.
63 chatls.
A month of singing ''mama'' around the galaxy, and the planet's in our pocket.
Another month, and we can buy the air.
93 chatls.
Everybody with no air will pour down here. The air is ours!
They'll be crawling on all fours and we'll just spit on them.
- What for? - Just to enjoy it.
Is it something to enjoy?
You're too young yet.
Half the planet is yours, the other half is ours, all right?
It's tempting, of course.
But we need to go to Earth.
Let's hurry, in half an hour our supermarket will close.
Don't be so jumpy, Vova.
Look here.
We're here.
Earth is here.
And this is Alpha.
On Alpha they make cactuses out of us.
Earth is in the anti-tentura, my dear.
And we have no way of reaching it, understand?
- How come? - That's so.
I've been unlucky all my life.
The pepelats just can't get to Earth.
So enough of blathering, all right?
Let's go and divide the planet.
Did you learn about it at the planetarium?
Yes, my dear.
And that's why you stole the match?
- Sure. - They're lying, Uncle Vova!
Don't believe them.
Come on, take us to Earth. That's it!
No, Gedevan, they're not lying.
For those matches they'd crawl on all fours over the entire universe.
Don't you joke with that, Vova.
There is only 2% oxygen norm here.
Don't do it. You're young, you must live.
Something might change yet.
No one needs the violinist, Uncle Vova.
Hey, patsak!
You're going to kick the bucket anyway.
Tell the truth just once in your life.
Why didn't you shift in space with that goat while you could?
What did you want?
Crimson pants? Pezhe's pool?
Tell me, what?
Gedevaniko, sonny.
You tell me. You can tell me, I'm like you.
My mother was Georgian.
He says his mother was a local Georgian.
Do as you like, but I'm going to koo them to Alpha.
And you, stinking chatlian, put on the tsak
and sit down when you're talking to a patsak!
Khanud is a patsak planet, my dear.
Repeat it again.
You catapult us to Alpha,
while you try to slow down in its orbit.
- The hell you can slow down there. - Don't interrupt.
Go on, my dear.
On Alpha, when they shift us to Earth,
we are to press the shifting machine with a finger,
so that we keep it with us.
On Earth we are to buy for you
four crates of matches.
Go on, my dear.
For how long do we have to sing the same song?
Let's fly.
Because of you I'll have to sit in a pot forever!
You, too, could open your mouth for a change.
Guys, my dear, wonderful guys,
either we fly, or at least close the door.
I can't bear the sight of you anymore.
I feel sick as it is.
Bye, my dear.
- Koo! - Koo.
- Koo? - Koo!
We're flying.
Put on brakes!
Put on brakes!
Put on brakes!
How can I put on brakes when you've drunk all the brake fluid, you alkie!
He'll get poisoned.
- Turn off your horns. - They don't turn off.
- Then take them off. - They're going to break.
It looks like we've landed. It felt the same last time.
All right...
Put on the gas mask.
- And the tsak? - They'll do without.
The Earth!
On the river, on the river,
On the river ba...
It's not the Earth.
We're patsaks from the planet Earth. And who are you?
This is the planet Alpha.
Give your coordinates to Decont, she will shift you.
Will you please tell me the number of your planet?
013 in the tentura.
It's here, somewhere close.
- Here. - Left of Big Bear.
We don't need that. Please, hold each other's hands.
Miss, where will those two go...
To the little branch of the greenhouse. Please, hold each other's hands.
Do you really make cactuses out of people?
- Only out of Plyukans. - Ours are Khanudans, not Plyukans.
Makes no difference.
Please, put on respirators.
- Why? You got good air. - That's why.
- Just look at her! - Put it on, Gedevan.
I'm asking you on behalf of my planet.
Please, let them go.
Who has the authority to decide that?
Abradoks, but...
Then take us to him.
Take us, or I'll take the gas mask off and breathe out a lot of air here.
You don't have to worry.
Our greenhouses have excellent conditions.
Blossoming, microclimate, peace.
One might only envy them.
Then why, my dear, do you run here in the grass
and not sit in a pot there?
Please, look under your feet, you've already trampled three shoots.
We're asking for a favor.
You may as well not continue. No.
Our proximity to the Kin-dza-dza galaxy is our misfortune.
They're consumed with passions.
Corrupt passions.
To continue living as a vegetable is good for them.
As for everybody else.
Why not ask them? They know better what's good for them and what's not.
If we gave them the right to decide anything...
Are you the smartest ones here, girl?
Did someone tell you that, or you decided so on your own?
Let's not waste time.
You're creatures from the antitentura.
Therefore, I have to shift you
to the point of your departure
or send you back in time
to the moment when you yourselves can decide your destiny.
Make your choice.
I beg your pardon, to what time?
To your past on Plyuk.
Let's do it like this: one goes to Earth, the other to the past.
Vladimir Nikolayevich.
I'm not letting you go alone to Plyuk.
Look, man, press the time.
Was I gluing the violin for about 50 minutes?
Right, 50.
Listen, brother, the patsak with a sock is going to come now.
Tell him to follow us to the etsikh.
- You know where the etsikh is? - Sure thing!
- Show him the way. - He must give me something else.
Everybody rest for half an hour!
Thanks, dears.
Play your games, men.
- Koo! - Koo.
Violinist, time!
You haven't shifted back again, you pests.
- Yeah, not again. Get out. - Like hell we will!
We're better off here than on Alpha.
Pull them out.
The shifting machine will be here soon.
You owe us 11,000 matchboxes, the violinist has it all written down.
I have a suggestion, Vova. You and I shift to the supermarket.
Then, after we buy everything...
There'll be no then. We fly only as far as Earth.
For good?
For good.
Me going to the planet where they don't know who should sit down before whom?
Give me the gravitsappa and you may do as you like.
Uncle Uef, Uncle Bi, they'll give you such a welcome!
No, genatsvale, the society that has no color differentiation of pants,
has no goal, and if there's no goal...
Enough philosophizing, he may appear any minute.
Let's make a decision.
You go with us or what?
Give me the gravitsappa!
Give it to him.
We shouldn't have.
Let's say goodbyes.
I sort of got used to you.
Me too.
Well, take care.
Here's your sock, thanks.
- If you want... - Friend, what kind of system you got?
May I take a look?
It's a regular system. You press the button and you're home.
Hi. What's new?
Manokhin got pipes burst on his site.
That's what she's like, an Odessa girl, A delicate, lively Odessa girl.
She dances and sings,
The kisses she brings To those who with merriment rings!
Daddy, daddy, what are we to do When the freezing cold comes?
Yes, yes, you have no warm kerchief, You have no winter coat!
- How's our exemplary student? - Our exemplary student went for a walk.
Vova, go buy bread. I forgot to.
Yes, and buy some macaroni, too.
Comrade, which way is Old Arbat?
- Over there, to the right. - Thank you.
- Koo! - Koo!
Uncle Vova!
Uncle Vova...
Mama, mama, what am I to do...
The End