Black Is The New Green


Uploaded by PLLevinson on 02.01.2011

Transcript:
You can check him out on "The Daily Slog"
Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up to Pinchas Levinson
Thank you, Ari, please
A big round for Ari
Welcome, welcome, I understand we're a mixture here...
Some tourists, some locals and some wannabees
We hope to have a good time tonight (1/1/11)
Did anyone actually party last night? I didn't hear
I'm from Rehovot...
We had some parties we went to... and my wife went home
a little bit earlier than I, I was coming home at around 4 in the morning
and this cop stops me and he says
to me "So what are you doing here at 4 in the morning?"
So I said "I'm going to a lecture"
He says: "lecture, who gives lectures at 4 in the morning"
I said: "Come to my house, you can hear my wife."
The lecture that I get
We used to exchange presents on New Year's eve
So about a week before, my wife
said to me that "I had this dream that you were going to give me a diamond ring on New Year's eve"
And I said: "Don't worry, it'll all become clear to you."
So New Year's came and
I give her the present and she opens it up
and there it is: Sigmund Freud, "The Interpretation of Dreams"
No, usually I give her like 3 tickets to a movie
on New Year's and she says, like, "Why 3 tickets?"
And I say "For you and your parents"
What I usually wish people is that: "Your resolutions should last as long as your troubles."
Because most people aren't very good on their resolutions and, in fact, 2 guys are talking
And one says (after New Year's) "Can I have a cigarette?"
And his friend says: "I thought you were giving up cigarettes for New Year's"
And he says, "Well I in the first phase" "And what's that?" "I've stopped buying them"
For awhile I was in New York, and NY's got
a great holiday season, you know, you get to see
the red and green hot dogs, you get to see the carjacking carolers
You know, you got to see Michael Bloomberg as a snow elf, if you were there this year.
Here, you know, we don't get too much in the Christmas spirit.
Last week was Christmas...
Right, it's a really weird holiday, you know, mostly Jewish retailers thinking "What a friend we have in baby Jesus."
The Puritans abolished it, the whole bit
At the center of this holiday is Santa Claus, right
who is really not a 21st century kind of figure
...An old fat guy with a white beard
He's got bad labor practices and he abuses animals
Why is he always smiling, because he knows where all the bad boys and girls live.
The whole things a little bit creepy. Actually it brings up one joke,
"What do you get if you cross a pickle with a reindeer?"
You get a dill-doe.
7-11 came up with a special
wine for this holiday
which is great for the guy who's got nothing
or for people who think it's pretentious to buy their wine in Wal Mart
Actually, I like the word "pretentious". My favorite two-word joke:
"Pretentious, moi?"
There are great three-word jokes, too:
The [masochist] says to the sadist: "Hurt me"
and the sadist says "No"
Times are tough in America now
Obama met with these 60 Indian tribe leaders
and he said he's giving the country back. Of course they did't want it.
The security officials are worried as Al-Qaida says they're going to poison America
through all the salad bars
but Sizzler (steak house chain) beat them to it.
America just had a census...
The population is up 9.7%, their waistlines are up 42 inches
There are 308 million people, a little more than half are Americans
2010 is going to be remembered as the time you didn't want to travel
In Germany recently, everyone was snowed in
So they bring this clown into the airport.
Needless to say, he didn't come out alive.
It's so cold, people just go in to get a pat-down
At my age, I don't really mind. I haven't seen this much action since high school.
It's not so bad until the guy says "Now you do me"
You wonder: "Should I tip these people?"
Of course, Out in LA, at LAX TSA people
formed a choir
which of course answers the question of: "How could air travel get any worse?"
There's a new show which hasn't yet hit Broadway
called Spiderman
The most expensive Broadway show ever put together
So one of the main things is that actor comes flying out from boom
and he goes 30 feet into the audienc
and four times now, the actors crashed into the people
now one of the actors has left but the bottom line was that they're going to change the name of this
to Jackass 4. It's just not going to make it to Broadway at this rate.
But speaking of musicals
The
U S army or rather the Senate passed the don't ask don't tell lawl
which uh...
now allows openly gay people to serve in the army
Of course it brings to mind what is the pentagon's next plan
is to do Iraq, the musical
For many people this is not so bad
Now that you can be openly gay, you're happy
But for those who wanted to be gay to get out of the army it's not so great but for some people it's okay
and then of course here in Israel we have our own army issues
Eli Ishai
He's
the interior minister and he is the one holding up
I don't know how much you know of israeli politics but there's a bill to allow
the army rabbis to have the final say on conversion
so Ishai, he's a nice guy, he says "I'll let you be
Jewish throughout your army service. (This was a big compromise)
and of course the
soldiers said, "You know what, we're gonna wait till after Silvester to go through this process

You know who Sylvester is, right, he the (cat) who says "Sufferin Sucatash". No
Silvester was the holiday which we just had yesterday.
and anyway they're going to wait until after the first before they worry about their conversion
and of course the man pushing this is
Avigdor Lieberman (Yvette)
and he says, "If you don't support this bill, I'm gonna give each one of you a brit millah a
and so of course
Ishai is also in charge of the
Fire department, and we had this disaster here where the Carmel mountain burnt totally to the ground
and it was his responsibility and he just blew it from the from the get go
so of course you think, "How are we going to restore the Carmel?" No, his problem

is "How is he going to restore the image of Eli Ishai?"
and I want you guys to know, you heard this first here
The new slogan is
How does it go?
"Black is the new Green"
Shows you how hip the Haridim can be.




Of course Israel is a great place we have uh... the first
Western Wall page in Facebook. I don't know if any of you have been there. But since we have this now,
The rabbis say well
since this is here you can't
surf in your underwear, like most of us do
but has changed everyone's

so
.
And you know this year Facebook passed Google in a very narrow metric
But they claimed it and
Appropriately Mark Zuckerburg got Man of the Year award in Time
And anyone know why he got Man of the Year award in Time?
...the obvious answer
because he devised a new way for people to waste time at work
that's the goal of modern society.
Then we had a series of letters from rabbis and rebbetzins.
The rabbis wrote: "Don't sell to
Arabs, don't rent to Arabs." And the rebbetzins wrote a letter: "Don't go out with Arabs...
Don't marry them."

What, everyone's paranoid or something?
"No" they (the rebbetzins) said, we just told them that because they can't find an apartment when they get married.
Netanyahu's press secretary left this week.
He had a whole series of defections
from his staff
It was kind of sad becuase the one guy who knew how to search in Google is gone
but he went to a company
that is gonna manage shipping and if you know how well they managed the Marmarek
incident
it's a perfect fit for everyone involved
Of course in Kadima they're only too happy to see people shuffling. They
just want to see Netanyahu shuffle
out the door
And this week MKs, members of the knesset finally got what are called smart phones
the choice of either
Blackberries or iPhones so that
you know when you call your member of knesset, something smart will be at the other end of the line
(whether its a person or not)
and of course the police are very happy because now they can be sure to get the fingerprints
of all the knesset members
And the Haredim said, "Don't worry, we won't get so close, no touching, that's not our schtick"
and Katsav,
everyone know our illustrious (or infamous) eigth president
Moshe Katsav
And there isn't too much funny to talk about in this. The only mildly amusing thing in this
was that upon hearing the conviction, he called up his wife Gila and said "You know, don't we
have some spare pardons somewhere in one of those closets that we can use for me?"
Yeah, it's a tough time for him, its a tough time
for all of us a
You know, Saddam Hussein
wrote a Koran with twenty seven pints of his blood
...I guess you can't desecrate a Koran, so that's going to hang out for awhile
But this does answer the question of why did he have so many clones you know because twenty seven pints

you don't come by too easy
Yeah, but we had New Year's today and in the end Jew's
aren't really big drinkers.
I don't know what your theory on this is
I think it is largely because it interferes with the suffering. We like to drink
but we like to suffer even more.
I have a neighbor named "Muki"
who is an amazing guy, his parents came over on a camel
from Kurdistan and he is the classic drinker. He can drink the table under
the table, he drinks in between drinks, his favorite drink is his next drink
and, yeah, you really have to come to Rehovot,
we have great times.
with that you know but
Bars are great places for humor. For a while I was a bartender and this guy comes in
he says: "I'd like to order three beers." What do I care, he takes his three beers and sits down
and drinks 'em down by himself.
So it comes time to pay and
so I tell him "Why don't you order them sequentially, they won't get flat; they won't get warm." "no" he say, "I've got two brothers,
one in Los Angeles, one in in Seattle. Each time we come to a bar it's like we're drinking together.
OK, I care? So week after week he comes in and orders his 3 beers and one week he comes in and orders 2 beers
so i said...."Uh, sorry to hear about your brother."
and he says Brother, what happened to my brother?"
"Well, usually you order 3 beers, this week you ordered 2 beers". "No," he says
"You don't understand, I've given up drinking."...There are a lot of
good bar jokes out there
...The Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman go up to the bar. And a fly lands in the Englishman's beer
and he pushes it away, all right and the fly lands in the Irishman's beer and he drinks it right down
and the fly lands in the Scottsman's beer
and he picks it up by the wings and says "Spit it out, spit it out."

...a little response out there....
Irishmen are great, you can make lots of jokes about them. Like, you know what is the difference
between an Irish wedding and Irish wake?
One less drunk, no? What do you call a quadriplegic Irishman sitting on the porch?
Pad'O furniture
Tough audience! Yo!
Anyway anyway
You know, a dyslexic walks into a bra


The three-legged dog hobbles in and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Or the goldfish flops in and the bar man says "What do you want?" and he says: "Water"
...The youghurt carton comes in..
and the barman says "We don't serve yoghurt cartons", "Why not, I'm cultured"
or a tiger comes in and he says, "Ill have a scotch...
..and some peanuts
and the barman says, "Why the long paws?"
Or there are more intelligent bar jokes if you're a scientist
The neutron walks into the bar and he says "How much?" and the barman says: "For you, no charge."
....she kills the other chicken to make chicken soup to help the other one get better
anyway thank you very much. You've been a lovely audience. Pinchas Levinson, Daily Slog