Hitchhiking Across China: Thumbs Up Season 3 (Part 5/5)

-The rain just stopped this morning.
The sun has come up again.
It's another beautiful day in China.

I guess for cheating last night, I got what I deserved.
In this whole time on Thumbs Up, the rooftops, the
abandoned buildings, not one bite, not one any weird thing
while we were sleeping.
First night in a hotel, I get a spider bite on my fucking
cheek, on my neck, and on my ass.
I woke up this morning; I can't fucking move my leg, or
this side of my face hurts.
It's like I have TMJ.
Not like I would know what that feels like, but.
[CLEARS THROAT]
The guy's like a mythical hero.
He comes to a town.
He entertains the locals.
He beats up the bad guy.
He gets the girl at the end of the show.
I mean, it's like who does that?
Do they even make people like that anymore?
Did they ever make people like that?
We're still trying to head south.
Try to get a ride into Changsha.
I woke up this morning, and I took this painting off the
wall of this hotel.
And I just drew this.
So without further ado, let's continue this ride.
Thumbs up, China.
[LAUGHS]
[HONKING]
-Thumbs up, China.
we just got a ride in Wuhan, and we're heading south.
The team is broken up again.
Two now become three.
We'll find out if three's company or not.
It's a weird one, this one.

Good to have you back.

Wait, wait, wait.

Once again, the entire country's under construction.
There's these trucks everywhere, and they're all
driving to one city to the next, and they don't really
give a shit if we jump in or not.
So let's find out where we're at now.
Thumbs up.

These.
Guys are fucking perfect for each other.
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]
Ni hao.
What are you kids doing?
Just ran into like the 8- and 11-year-old
version of me and Harry.
And obviously they don't give a fuck, but--
walk on this side, you retards!

Good job, Harry.
Great influence, dude.

Train hopping in China's a little bit
tougher than the US.
They're still trains, but the people on the
lines aren't as nice.
And we havw to do a lot more speaking, and there's a lot
more transition, and there's a lot more barbed wire.
But--
you guys all right?
OK.
-Yeah.
-We're just in this passenger car train, waiting for it to
start moving.
I don't know if you thought you were ready for this ride,
this adventure.
You OK?
You seem a little scared.
-Yeah, little bit.
-Little bit?
Don't worry.
You're with Harry and Dave.
We'll take care of you.
We do this all the time.
We're professionals.
We rode the trains and the cars all over the world.
OK?
You're going to get a little bit dirty, but don't worry.
Thumbs up, China.

Man, what an ordeal.
It was a real trial by fire for our damsel in distress,
Sheeka, our woman in red.
First, the Harry beats the shit out of this pimp.
Then, she doesn't know what she's getting into.
She pops rides with us in a construction truck today.
We get off somewhere between Wuhan and Changsha.
Then we try to hop on a train, and I turn around, and I see
her eating ice cream.
Didn't work out, so we jumped off the train.
And then, our luck, we found a passenger train.
We sat on top, and we rode into Changsha.
So here we have Harry, AKA Captain Save A Hoe, AKA Sister
Fucker, with Sheeka and--

bear with us, Thumbs Up.
We're going to do it right, and we're going to do it just
the way you like it.
Hard and fast.
All right.

-Over here.
Sheeka's [INAUDIBLE]--
-What is this, a hair salon?
-Yeah, I think so.
-Oh, cool.
Hello.
Ni hao.
So you guys already?
-Yeah.
-I'm David.
Panda?
Can you explain to him our situation?
We come from very far.
We've been on trains, on empty buildings and abandoned
buildings, on dirty trucks.
And we just need a place to relax and just rest.
Just please, can we stay here?
Come on, come on.
[CLAPS]
What?
[CHEER]
-All right.
You're the man, dude.
I love you.
I love you.
[LAUGHTER]
-Yeah, that's awesome.
You understand the road.
Look at that, America, China, the world.
Nice people everywhere.
All right, this guy's the coolest fuck.
He's the Panda.
Pandas have been good luck for us on this trip.
So goodnight.
If you guys are going to fucking bone,
just go to the bathroom.
Please let me sleep.
Goodnight, America.
Goodnight, China.
Goodnight, the world.
Thumbs up.

-What's going on?

Should we leave?
Here, just go to sleep.

We're still in Changsha right now.
The further we go south, the chicks get hotter, but thanks
a lot, Harry, for bringing sand to the beach.
We're at a park right now.
It's a beautiful day out, and everyone's just chilling on
the benches taking naps, texting their
girlfriends, whatever.
This looks like a hotel right here.
That dude Panda that let us crash at the
hair salon last night--
cool as hell.
We took bets last night-- what kind of hairstyle he had under
that white beanie.
And his bangs were right here.
I think his girlfriend or wife was pissed that he let us
stay, but he put his foot down.
Anyways, we're just going to enjoy our in the park a little
bit, and then we'll get back on the road soon.
[INAUDIBLE]
[LAUGHTER]
-Take a good look at his face, because in 20 years, he's
going to look exactly like that dude.
[LAUGHTER]
[INAUDIBLE]
-Bye bye.
-Bye bye.
-Bye bye.
-Hands down, Chinese babies cutest babies
in the whole world.

The language barrier thing is grinding me down so much that
I've absolutely lost my patience
with asking for rides.
I just get into strange people's cars and then just
tell them to drive and refuse to get out.
This is hitchhiking, Chinese style.

Once again, when a woman asks, who can say no?
Especially a woman in red, damsel in distress.

South.

Thumbs up, China.

First chance she got, I guess two days with us,
three days with us--
I don't even know--
was enough.
First exit, first rest stop we got to, she
jumped out of the car.
I guess whatever we went through--
train hopping, jumping into strangers' cars, whatever we
put her through--
she wasn't into.
And whatever she had going on in Wuhan was more
appealing than that.
She jumped out of our car and was out-- peace out, later.
And I mean, her final words to Harry were "not a good fit."
So I don't know if she meant Harry's penis
size or in her vagina--
if their bodies didn't match or if their personalities
didn't match, but she was over it.
I don't want to say I told you so, but.
-[INAUDIBLE]
-I know you think you were going to help her, but you
probably would have ruined your life.
You probably would have ruined her life.
You all right?
-Yeah.
-Dude, we're almost to the end of the line.
We're almost to the end of the road.
We're only a few rides away.
I'll buy you egg custard when we get to the end, all right?
Will that make you feel better?
-Sure.
-All right, come on.

We got one of the worst but best smelling rides ever.
Every time we'd try to relax on that ride, a branch or
something or sap or bark would hit us.
But it is the first time in my life I ever got
to ride on a tree.
I felt like a hobbit on Lord of the Rings, riding that
goofy tree.
But they took that tree far, and we rode that tree hard.
So just rolling through this town.

[HORN HONKS]
-One of the best things about international travel or going
to a country where you don't speak the language is nobody
knows that.
They don't understand what we're saying to them, and we
don't understand what they're saying to us.
But it's a good thing me and Harry have the dopest
imaginations around, so we create our entire worlds.
We make our own fun.
We get ourselves off.
We get wet.
And we're not even trying.

That was a gift for the city.

We are in, I think, a town called Lichang--
Yichang?
-That's right, Yichang.
-I feel really sad right now.
I'm trying to slow shit down.
It's like when you're fucking a girl, and you're going to
come really fast, 'cause I see this horizon.
I see the line.
We're almost there.
The trip's almost over.
And I'm trying to hold back one or two more last pumps
before I explode in a rage.
But I can't hold back.
Let's try to get a ride out of here.

[HORN HONKS]
-Can I get in?
-[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
-We need a ride, down south.
We're almost there.
We're this close.
We're this close.
Shit, dude.
Anyone have a pen?
-Nope.
Oh wait, here.
Here's a marker.
-OK.

Just go a little bit.

-Let him write something.
-OK, OK.

OK.
Oh OK, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
-I think that we understand, but Dave has an [INAUDIBLE].
-I understand what you're trying to say to me.
Now let me--
I--

OK.
So you came at me with that shit.
I can reach all the way around.
I can reach all the way around.
Yeah!
All right, come on.

I can reach all the way around with both hands too.

All right, come on.
Let's go.
Down south.
Down south.
Down south.
Down south.
Down south.
-All right!

-Thumbs up, China.
I love you.
We're almost there.
Sit tight.
Be patient.
-All right.
Thumbs up, China.

-Thumbs up, China.
We're on the dirty, nasty ass shores of Shenzhen.
Today's my birthday.
I turn 33 today.
Don't want any pomp and circumstance.
I'm with my uncle, Sum Dum Guy, Harry Kim.
And I'm Someting Wong.
And I guess my mom and dad gave this to Harry to bring to
me when he came to visit me from my [INAUDIBLE]
on Beijing.
There's a drawing from my mother and a
drawing from my father.
And it is a very special day today, but not because it's my
birthday, but because it's the last day of Thumbs Up.
And we've accomplished our mission.
We've crossed the country, the great nation of China, from
Beijing to Shenzhen.
We did what we've never done.
I don't know what you call the opposite of kidnapping, but we
went into people's cars, and we forced
them to give us rides.
Chinese people, I never knew one word that you said to me,
but it didn't matter because I understood anyways.
It was all in your eyes.
And so I just want to say some thank yous.

I want to say to China, thank you for accepting my uncle
Harry as your chosen son--
first as a mutant dog boy, and then as the mini-Buddha.
Thank you for letting us rock out with you--
showing you how to rock and you showing us how you rock.
Thanks for letting us float down your rivers and streams.
Thank you for fulfilling my dream as a vandal for letting
me hit up the greatest wall in all the world, the
Great Wall of China.
Thank you for letting us find love, fight for love, and lose
love, and find it all over again.
Thank you, Ms. Stephanie.
Panda titties rule.
Thank you for letting us help you demolish buildings.
Thanks for having the fucking cutest babies
in all of the world.
Thank you for all your rides--
your bulldozer rides, your donkey rides, your boat rides,
your tree rides.
Thank you to the chicken who flying drop kicked Harry to
humble his fucking ass.
Thank you for turning even the shittiest tasting food into
candy for us.
Thank you for creating fireworks.
Thank you for sharing your art with us.
Thank you for letting me share my art with you.
And thank you for letting us express ourselves through
song, dance, and aerosol.
Thumbs up, China.
We've done it.
We rocked China.
We got to the south.
I mean, if we cross over this water right now, that means
we're technically leaving China.
If we stay, I've heard fabled stories of cities where girls
pimp out the men, which is my fantasy.
There's ghost towns with ghost hookers
that give ghost handjobs.
So we come to the conclusion.
Should I stay, or should I go?
This way China.
That way Hong Kong, where almost everyone speaks
English, and I could fucking talk to people again.
I think a ghost handjob sounds good right about now.
So what do you think, Harry?
China?
-Well, there's gambling in Macau.
-All right!
[LAUGHTER]
-We can't film here?
-Hello.
-Hello?
-Hello.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE].
-OK, we come with you.
Everywhere we go.

Oh, nasty.

We're like on the nasty, nasty disgusting shores of Shenzhen.
Just over that mountain right there is Hong Kong.
That's where Hong Kong, Macau--
still technically China, but once we leave, we
can't come back in.
We only have one entry visa.
So we're just wandering.
This dude just was like yo, what's up?
We got our feet completely covered in mud.
And he just picked us up, and he won't talk to us.
But he'll give us a ride in his jeep.
We take all rides, so here we go.

Where is this guy taking us?
[PHONE BEING DIALED]
-Calling my host at the Venetian in Las Vegas.
Hey, Chong.
I'm going to the Venetian in Macau.
Can you call someone and hook me up there?
I'm with Harry.
We'll be there in a few hours.
Just give them my card number, and have us all hooked
up when we get in.
Thanks, Chong.
Thumbs up, China.

Edgar Allen Chong, thank you.

With one phone call to my host in Las Vegas, the Venetian he
called his friend, the guy that hired his ass, in the
Venetian Macau.
He sent a hydrofoil to Shenzhen, picked us up.
And then dude waiting for us right here in Macau gave us
one of the dopest, sweetest rides we've ever got in our
life from our driver Ken Kong.
We're in a seven million Hong Kong dollar car, right Ken?
-Yes.
-Tell us about this car.
Maybach.
In all of Thumbs Up history, never have we gotten a ride in
a car this expensive.
I can't believe they even let us in here.
We smell so fucking bad it's not even funny.
[LAUGHS]
-Thumbs up, China.

Thumbs up, China.
[INAUDIBLE]
Ugh!
We just want to thank you for ending our trip in the most
nicest ride we ever had.
Thank you.
And I know we smell bad.
We're very tired.
But thank you for ending it in the most triumphant way.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.

-Sometimes in life, the world looks down upon you when
you're degenerate.
And sometimes when you're degenerate, the
world praises you.
And just like that, transported into another
world, straight to our deluxe suite at the Venetian Macau
overlooking the city, which pretty much looks like Las
Vegas on Hawaii.
Got my bathrobe on.
Got my bro with me.
China was long and hard.
It was dirty.
It was grimy.
And now we're in this clean polished world.
We're just going to try to enjoy it, celebrate it.
Life is good.
Life is sweet.
And I love you, America.
I love you, China.
And I love you, the world.
Goodnight.
Thumbs up, China.
-Thumbs up, Macau Venetian.

[LAUGHTER]
-Oh shit.
[TAPPING OUT RHYTHM]
-Thumbs up.
Yeah!
Monte Carlo to Macau.
You know how we roll.
Just like there's no beginning and no end to the road, this
journey has no beginning and no end.
And as long as the road goes on, me and Harry will go on.
Yeah!
-Yeah!
Heyaw!
-Aw yeah!
[LAUGHTER]
-Yeah!

Oh!
Thumbs up, China!
Thumbs up, China!

[GRUNTING]
Thumbs up, China.
[LAUGHTER]
-Thumbs up, China!
Yeah!
Thumbs up, China.
[INAUDIBLE]
fuckers.
Thumbs up, China.
[INAUDIBLE] fuckers.
Thumbs up, China.
Thumbs up!
[SCREAMS]