The Guild Season 3 Full Season with Trivia Annotations from Creator Felicia Day & Producer Kim Evey!

Uploaded by geekandsundry on Apr 4, 2012


CODEX: I barely resurrected myself from that party.
Bladezz destroyed Tink's character.
Clara devastated Vork with betrayal, and
I was kind of dumped.
I allowed myself a few pints of self-pity ice cream-- old
lady butter pecan, FYI--
and I've decided I'm going to get all of us
into a great mood.
The expansion to our game is coming out.
The Spires of Dragador.
New continent, new powers--
most importantly, new character hairstyles.
I'm hoping it will help heal some of the
wounds in the guild.
Make us focus on what matters.
It's about the game, not each other.
Dumb humans.
Brain freeze.
Oh, ah.

CODEX: What's really cool is that they're adding a fairy
from Ryandeh to Dragador that will really cut down on the
end-game commute.
Awesome, right?
Uh, and there are going to be a lot of changes to the
warlock powers.
It's gonna be way easier to summon your familiars.
I'm the only one who summons your familiars, right, baby?
ZABOO: Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey, Bladezz.
This making out with actual humans is unbelievable.
BLADEZZ: Watch your wallet.
Is the store open yet?
I have 15 minutes to get back to the fry dipper.
CODEX: You got a job?
I'm paying off credit cards I ran up buying crap for Tink.
Working is soul-crushing.
I can't believe adults live like this.
BLADEZZ: What a waste.
CODEX: Vork, you wanna hear about the new
metalworking recipes?
VORK: Not now.
I'm making found object stew.
Sidewalk living requires hearty sustenance.
CODEX: You didn't have to camp out two days early.
It's not like they're going to sell out.
There'll be plenty of copies of the game.
VORK: It's a symbolic gesture, Codex.
My malfeasance as guild leader has caused heartache,
vagrancy, and a possible spread of STDs.
Assuring our places first in line was a small thing I could
do to rebuild my credibility.

CODEX: Well, we're all excited to be first
to get the new expansion.
Some of us a little too much.

ZABOO: Your tongue is such a randy gymnast.
RILEY: I'll triple-Lutz your uvula.
ZABOO: That's actually figure skating.
RILEY: Don't talk.
CLARA: Hey, guildies, sorry I'm late.
It took forever to find a children's
department around here.
CODEX: Your kids are at a store right now without you?
CLARA: Not entirely.
Mommy's at the GameStop.
I love you.
CODEX: Clara, that's a baby monitor.
It only goes one way.
CLARA: Well, I'll buy something when I pick them up.
I'm not trashy.
Where's Tink?
CODEX: Right there.
CLARA: Uggh.
Bladezz's payback hit her hard, huh?
Tink hired this lady to stand in line for her.
She didn't want to spend more time around Bladezz
than she had to.
BLADEZZ: OMG, what a drama queen.
I'm $4,000 in debt from her lady demands.
Who's the victim here?
CLARA: You know, you smell like--
oh yeah.
Garlic fries.
BLADEZZ: Shut up.
VORK: Clara.

Uh, uh.
CODEX: Vork, are you OK?
VORK: Seeing Clara has elicited feelings of extreme
shame and panic, not unlike my first
experience at a pay toilet.
Clear blue ocean.
Clear blue ocean.
I think I need to confront her, seek insight into how I
failed her so miserably as a leader.
CODEX: No, no.
That is not a good idea.
Don't bait the trolls, right?
Not that Clara's a troll.
It's just--
I think the guild needs to move on from the other night.
I'm not entirely comfortable watching Zaboo make out with
that stupid tall hot girl--
um, Riley.
It's just the other name rolls off the tongue so well.
VORK: Ugh, Remind me to take you on a road trip sometime.
And by that, I mean do not remind me,
because I would not go.
You talk a lot.
CODEX: I know.

CLARA: What got mixed in his mouthwash?
CODEX: Nothing.
Everything's fine.
ZABOO: Vork probably just feels bad about what
happened, you know?
You attacked and killed him over and over again when he
didn't give you that orb.
CLARA: Oh, yeah, I forgot.
What a jerk.
CODEX: No, Clara, Clara.
Have you seen the new storm powers in the mage's ice tree?
They added a whole new set of wind powers.
BLADEZZ: I got some wind power to show you.
CLARA: Oh, come on, Bladezz.
You can't set that up and not deliver.
CODEX: Yay, fart jokes.
This is awesome.
FAWKES: Thanks for holding our spot.

CODEX: Excuse me, you're cutting.
FAWKES: That's right.
We are.

CODEX: So the guild is already on delicate ground, and a
bunch of jerks cut in front of us in line.
I would never do that.
Of course, one time I got caught holding the door open
after an orchestra concert for 25 minutes straight, so I'm
not really the best measure of assertiveness.
Anyway, I'm looking at these guys and then I get an idea.
Standing up for ourselves might be a great way to
reunify the guild.
I mean, it's easy to bond over hating something together.
The internet is total proof of that.

Excuse me.
You guys, our line got cut.
CLARA: That guy's wearing a kilt.
I hear they go commando under there.
Oh, yeah.
VORK: Vork, people cut in front of us in
line, a whole group.
VORK: What the?

Excuse me, gentlemen.
Ma'am, you may not have noticed, but the line
forms behind us.
FAWKES: Actually, this line, it forms behind us.
BRUISER: Good one, Fawkes.
Turn it around and drive it home.
VORK: To clarify, your group should be behind the others
who arrived previously.
VORK: I don't understand the question.
VALKYRIE: Your mom doesn't understand the question.
VENOM: Bombed, idiot.
VORK: You're asking me why having just arrived you need
to be at the back of a line?
Let me offer you a historical perspective.
At the beginning of the Common Era, people attending an event
simply gathered en masse, clustered and clumped together
in an unorganized manner.
After several thousand years of this, they slowly
gravitated to the back of individual fellows and began
to stand behind one another in a horizontal fashion, forming
what they now commonly refer to as the line.
Going against that flies in the face of thousands of years
of evolution and encourages utter chaos.
FAWKES: And what's wrong with a little chaos?
"A little rebellion now and then is a good
thing." Thomas Jefferson.
VORK: "A lot of order is a better thing." Vork, leader of
the Knights of Good.
on the clothes rack.
Where's your mommy?
CLARA: Ah, buzz kill.
TINKERBALLA: Why aren't we first?
I paid stinky crack addict over there are a lot of money
to hold my place.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Meth addict.
Crack is for losers.
CODEX: Hey, I printed out the new ranger pets for you.
Or not.
TINKERBALLA: You tools need to step to the back of the line.
Our guild was here first.
BLADEZZ: Yo, Tink.
Looking bitter.
TINKERBALLA: Go die in a fire.
You guys can't just cut.
FAWKES: Can't?
But we did.
And the world keeps spinning.
Now parlay, peanut.
The number one guild is number one in line.
Deal with it.
CLARA: Um, who says you're number one?
And be honest.
Are you naked under there?
FAWKES: Server stats.
Axis of Anarchy rules.
And yes.
I am.
Deal with it.
Axis of Anarchy?
You guys were the first on the server to down the Demon Lords
of the Far Reaches.
And we'll be the first to get the expansion, the first to
get the best loot, and the first to down the bosses.
VORK: I was hoping to avoid this, but I'm afraid I have to
ask the authorities to intervene.
I'm going to fetch the GameStop manager.

Stop pushing me!
VORK: What?
VENOM: Hey, oh my god, help!
VORK: Control your steed, woman.
VENOM: Sir, this man just assaulted me.
He almost pushed me out into traffic.
VORK: I did nothing of the kind.
I only have the deepest respect for the handicapped.
My father was born without hind leg tendons.
FAWKES: What kind of place is this?
This poor, innocent, hot girl in a wheelchair.
MALE SPEAKER: Ma'am, I am so sorry.
That is unacceptable behavior.
May offer you a T-shirt or a poster?
VENOM: Oh, I couldn't.
Yes I could.
Do you mind if my friends and I wait inside with you?
I'm so upset, and, well, you know.
MALE SPEAKER: Of course.
Please, come in.
Please, come in.
Come on.
Uh, sir?
Back of the line.
Your friends, too.

TINKERBALLA: Why did you keep pushing her?
VORK: I didn't push her.
Do you think if I had telekinetic powers, I'd be
standing here?
I'd be hired by the Navy to aim missiles more efficiently
or by Hollywood studios to hold Wonder Woman aloft in her
invisible plane.
FEMALE SPEAKER: We should've pre-ordered.

TINKERBALLA: Vork, you suck.
A real leader would have pushed her hard, in front of a
semi or something!
CODEX: You guys, there's a new centaur mount you can get if
you get faction with the Rhoni Centaur Clan.
A real centaur mount!
That's cool, huh?
VORK: As stimulating as riding a half-man
would be, Tink is right.
I hereby tender my resignation as leader of
the Knights of Good.
CODEX: What?
No, Vork, you can't do that.
VORK: My stepping down will create a power vacuum that can
be filled by someone more willing, eager, and
CLARA: Me, me!
I've always wanted to be a princess.
I'll wear a crown every time we play, and every Friday I
declare Funny Noise Day, where you have to make a weird noise
every time you kill somebody.
Oh my gosh, I'm feeling the power rush already.
VORK: As I said, someone qualified will step forward.
TINKERBALLA: I nominate many myself to run the guild.
First off, I'll clean out the trash.
BLADEZZ: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Since when are you qualified?
Last I remember, you don't even
have a max-level character.
TINKERBALLA: Only because you're a virtual murderer.
How many avatar skins do you have in
your hard drive closet?
VORK: Tink, I claim full responsibility for what
transpired between you and Bladezz.
I'm paying my penance.
It's all I can do.
TINKERBALLA: It's not good enough!
VORK: Aauguhughhhh!

Well, how about Zaboo?
He brought us all together when he was stalking you.
That's something.
CODEX: Where-- ugh.
Zaboo, give it a rest, please?
How do you feel about becoming new guild leader.
RILEY: Guild leader?
Oh, no way am I sharing more of my little
man than I have to.
He's mine.
Whatever the lady gnawing on my neck says.
I vote for Codex.
I mean, she's alone and has a ton of time
on her hands, right?
CODEX: Well, that was hurtful but accurate.
CLARA: Everybody vote.
The line's gonna move soon, and I have to pick up the
tater tots and take them back to the old socks-and-chain.
TINKERBALLA: What the hell did you just say?
ZABOO: Hey, Vork.
I need use of the tent, man.
VORK: $20 and hour, plus deposit.
ZABOO: Done.

Endorse me.
I'm your man.
VORK: I can't throw my support behind any one individual.
I just hope the one who accepts will hold the finest--
I vote for me.
CODEX: Well, that's one vote for each of us.
That's perfectly not helpful.
BLADEZZ: Well, you didn't vote, genius.
Well, I vote for--

Not that I'm amazing.
It's just, um--
OK, you know, maybe not.
VORK: Congratulations, Codex.
You've just accepted the greatest responsibility in the
history of your life.
Are you kidding?
CODEX: Um, it's just until Vork retakes his position.
I'm not a leader.
I'm just more of a maintainer.
We'll still work together as a team, right?
TINKERBALLA: So long, jerks.

BLADEZZ: Is she flirting with him?
The dude's wearing a skirt.
FAWKES: Let's take a walk.
CLARA: Ooh, the line's moving.
Kids, check-out, five minutes.

CODEX: So, strange turn of events.
You're looking at the new guild leader.
This is going to be good for me.
I need something to focus on, get my mind off myself.
You know, like my inability to connect with men, constant
unemployment, my nose being weirdly lumpy.
OK, I'm sad now.
First item on my guild agenda--
smoothing things over with Tink.
Walking off like that was dramatic, but she'll be back.
We've been playing together over a year.
That means something.
What does that mean, actually?

ZABOO: What's on the agenda?
I'm juggling gaming and sexual obligations now.
Got to set a firm schedule.
CODEX: You guys, Tink quit.
All her characters are gone.
BLADEZZ: All of them?
Even Tink 2.0, The Early Levels?
CODEX: Bladezz, don't make fun of that.
You should have apologized to her.
The only thing that would make me do that is a cashier's
check for the price of the Caribbean cruise I bought her.
And then when I have the check in my hand?
I still won't do it.
CLARA: Sorry.
I had a hard time rounding up the kids.
I found one of them sleeping on a shelf in the graphic
cards section.
He's so mine.
Three discs!
Wow, so much new content.
CODEX: Clara, Tink quit the guild.
Did she send you a dagger with a note telling you
how dumb you are?
Why would she--
yeah, she did.
"Eff off, idiots. xoxo, Tink." How did you know?
CLARA: Well, one night we ditched about our exit
See, mine is waiting until everybody gets online and then
scream into the mic, "Take that, you dungeoneering bozos!
Clara is ix-nay on your uild-gay anymore-ay.
And then G-quit.
ZABOO: Pig Latin?
CLARA: Well, it's the only foreign language I know.
CODEX: What are we going to do, guys?
Tink was part of the group.
We're a guild.
You can't just quit.
CLARA: Why don't you just try calling her or something.
BLADEZZ: 'Cause you're the guild leader now.
Earn your title, yo.
CODEX: Uh, well, I don't have her contact info.
ZABOO: I'm doing it already.
CODEX: I mean, it just happened, so we--
she'll be back.
We just need to give her some space, right?
CODEX: Hello?
VORK: Codex, I left a box of guild leader paraphernalia on
your doorstep.
CODEX: You didn't knock?
VORK: Face-to-face twice in one day?
It seemed unnecessary.
CODEX: Vork, Tink really quit the guild.
What should I do?
VORK: I can't advise you, Codex.
The minute I abandoned the mantle of guild leader, I felt
a lightening in my soul.
Having five people depend on your calm guidance?
It's overwhelming, giving so much of yourself.
CODEX: Yeah.
I can see how that probably weighed on you.
VORK: I'll be sporadically online for the
next several days.
My Wi-Fi is still not repaired in my office due to Bladezz'
So I'm using this opportunity to explore humanity.
I've abandoned everything familiar--
my thought patterns, my methodologies,
my sleepy-time place.
I'm going on the road.

Lead me, oh wireless gods.

Taking charge.
I think we should all load up the expansion, and then, you
know, group up and go to the new lands together and stuff.
Thanks, Officer Obvious.
You want to come over and help me aim while I pee-pee, too?
CLARA: Oh, ho!
Tink would have such a good comeback to that.
You come up with one, Codex.
CODEX: Uh, something about your mama?
CLARA: Lame.
ZABOO: Pretty lame.
RILEY: Hey, Tiger.
Do you like playing dress-up?
'Cause I have this French maid's outfit.
It's a real turn-on.
ZABOO: Heck yeah.
Put it on.
RILEY: It's for you.
You put it on.
ZABOO: Uh, well, we're going to put a few hours of the
expansion in.
RILEY: You'd rather play with the game than with me?
CODEX: Everyone, Vork's not gonna be online for a while.
Are we gonna be OK on DPS, Zaboo?
We're going to get our asses handed to us
with two players missing.
DENA: Simon, language.
Why are you hiding over there like goddamn Gollum?
DENA: Mom told me I was making too much noise in the house.
BLADEZZ: She's being such a biotch lately.
DENA: Dad dumped her.
It had an effect.
CODEX: Does everyone have the expansion loaded up?
How do I check who's ready to go on here?
CLARA: Something's wrong.
It's not finishing with the installation.
GEORGE: Clara, I need to talk to you.
I was uploading the pictures from the
wedding onto your computer--
CLARA: Oh my god, how many did you put on here?
I don't have enough space.
This could ruin my install.
CODEX: Let's meet in Terrin Keep.
That's a good plan, right?
BLADEZZ: Just a sec.
This is the Bladezz pad.
Not cool.
CODEX: Why is no one accepting my invite?
Uh, Zaboo, are you there?
RILEY: Do you want the game or me?
Game, or me?
ZABOO: That's nice.
I don't like that.
But I like that.
GEORGE: What'd you do last weekend when we were gone?
Anything you want to tell me about?
CLARA: Uh, nothing I want to tell you about.
CODEX: Where is everyone?
GEORGE: I gave you a chance to tell me yourself.
Just remember that.
CLARA: Oh, how cute.
Wait a sec.
Aw, nuts.

CODEX: People tend to disappear on me.
One time I came home and my roommate had just moved out.
No notice or anything.
She also stole my jewelry and the community futon, so maybe
I wasn't the only problem there.
Anyway, that was not a good start, any of that guild
leadering I was trying to do.
Without the two hammers of the guild, Tink and Vork, there--
what is this?--
everything fell apart, and I just sat there alone,
organizing my characters outfits
for two hours straight.
I've never even done that with my own closet.
That was a really comfortable futon.
God, she sucked.
CLARA: But no!
Don't go to a hotel.
I mean, who's going to take the kids to get vaccinations?
GEORGE: Clara, I have put up with a lot, but this is the
last straw.
CLARA: Everything was above the chin.
Scout's honor.
GEORGE: You kissed another man.
CLARA: I was really drunk.
And he had touched Chuck Norris.
How can we work through this and keep our
marriage intact and stuff.
GEORGE: We need to spend more time together.
Can you do that for me?
For us?
CLARA: I can do that.
GEORGE: It means cutting back on your game.
CLARA: Is that really what that means?
ZABOO: Hey, neighbor.
Got any Phrygian Spore Dust I can borrow?
Get it?
Because neighbors usually ask for sugar.
CODEX: Zaboo, why are you in my house again?
ZABOO: Well, I guess Vork went on vacation or something,
because all the doors were locked and I couldn't get in.
But I'm staying next door at Riley's.
I escaped for a little gaming break.
That vixen is insatiable.
Awesome to hear.
Now I have more people to avoid in the hallway.
ZABOO: Hope this isn't awkward for you or anything, you know,
me being right down the hall, cavorting 24/7, Intercoursed.
CODEX: No, no.
It's great.
You moved on.
So incredibly quick.
ZABOO: Good, good.
Because you know, she's nothing like you at all.
I mean, she's tall, confident, clean.
you know, she's super aggressive, you know?
Nothing like the usual anime porn I download.
CODEX: I need to find a way to get Tink back in the guild.
ZABOO: Oh, well, I can get you the chat channel info for the
rival guild.
CODEX: That's a good idea.
I'll just log on, no invitation, and confront her.
Anxiety attack.
VORK: Codex?
CODEX: Vork?
VORK: I finally found an open Wi-Fi connection.
Frustrating how untrusting people are in this world.
CODEX: Well, you're stealing the access they pay for.
VORK: I don't see your point.
VOICE ON DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER: Sir, are you still there?
VORK: Codex, one moment.
I'm still pondering my order.
VOICE ON DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER: Well, you've been sitting
there for, like, 15 minutes.
VORK: Well, those are the consequences of offering too
many combo options.
CODEX: Vork, I'm going to try to contact Tink by logging in
to that other guild's chat channel.
What should I say to her to make her come back?
VORK: One second.
VORK: Question.
Were a colleague to depart the Mr. Chicken Stuff Jr. And
Friends with bad feelings towards the organization, how
would you persuade them to come back?
VORK: Codex, pull forward.
CODEX: Pull forward.
Wh-- what does that mean?
VORK: I have no idea.
My current social encounter with a minimum-wage employee
is not proving to be particularly edifying.
VORK: I'll have 75 straws and 22 ketchup packets.
MALE SPEAKER: Let's go, moron!
VORK: My Wi-Fi is being cut off.
I'll be online again soon.
CODEX: No, but Vork, I need help.
What should I pull forward?
ZABOO: And I'm IM-ing you the rival chat info now.
I'm just gonna dive in and be polite.
That should work.
Why do I feel anxious, like I'm going to a party where I
don't know anyone?
ZABOO: Because you're going to a chat channel where you don't
know anyone.
Meta-social anxiety.
That's sad.
BRUISER: What the beep, Fawkes?
I just crit-healed the mother-[BLEEP]
out you.
I'm so hard right now.
FAWKES: Well, soften it up, because it doesn't matter.
We just wiped.
I want to know what the [BLEEP]
just happened.
I swear, it's like you guys are just sitting there,
staring at a wall or something.
Nik, please translate this to Kwan.
Your agro sucks balls.

VENOM: God, I hate you guys.
There isn't a natural disaster big enough to kill all the
people I hate, including all of you.
CODEX: Um, excuse me--
Who the [BLEEP]
is that?
FAWKES: Calm down, Bruiser.
Some cockhead just wandered into our chat channel.
CODEX: Um, hi.
I am Codex, temporary leader of the Knights of Good guild?
VALKYRIE: I'm sorry.
said what?
ZABOO: Don't say what.
BRUISER: That name just made my balls fall off.
CODEX: I apologize for that.
I'm looking for our guild member Tinkerballa.
Is she here?
FAWKES: Well, the only people here are members of our guild,
because this is our chat channel.
Ergo, what the [BLEEP]
are you doing here?
CODEX: She went off with you at the GameStop.
VENOM: Oh, you were with the bald nutsack
who pushed me around.
I'm Venom.
I'm the one who can't walk.
CODEX: Uh, he-- he didn't really push you.
FAWKES: No, he didn't.
with you, and we won.
The end.
CODEX: How can you say that like it's OK?
FAWKES: The question isn't, who will let me?
It is who will stop me?
Ayn Rand.
CODEX: I just want to talk to Tink.
BRUISER: Seems like she don't want to talk to you.
She's in the channel listening like a dumb mute.
CODEX: Tink?
Hey, it's good to, um--
you want to come back to our guild channel and talk?
TINKERBALLA: Fat chance.
This is my new guild now.
They're just my style.
VALKYRIE: Your friend's moved up in the world.
See, we're a more elite level of player.
Be happy for her.
And hit the road.
CODEX: Well, Tink, we really didn't get a chance to talk
about your problems in the guild.
Maybe if we--
TINKERBALLA: I'm through with you guys.
I'm in this guild now.
Move on.
BRUISER: Your diplomacy just got smeared a [BLEEP]
mustache, sport.
VENOM: Kick her off.
We need to down this boss or I'll set fire to my apartment
and roast to death in this chair.
ZABOO: Do something.
CODEX: Um, but--
Don't worry about Tink.
You won't forget about her.
She's with the Axis of Anarchy now, and nobody [BLEEP]
with members of our guild and gets away with it.
See ya.
K, thanks, bye.

They certainly share Tink's love of F-bombs.
CODEX: I guess Tink's really not coming back.
BLADEZZ: OMG, this is not happening.
CODEX: Bladezz?
What's wrong?
BLADEZZ: My secret's out.
Somehow my Finn Smulders modeling pictures went public.
Check out

ZABOO: Whoa, this website's awesome.
They even lolcatted a few of your photos.
"I can haz eurotrash?" Classic.
CODEX: Contact
That other guild did this.
And they sent the link to the website to my entire high
school email list.
Then they started passing out my face on a stick as a joke.
Hundreds of them all over campus.
I'm ruined.
Shove it!
CODEX: Stupid Asses of Anarchy.
Taking revenge outside the game like that?
What a skanky reality show move.
Tink is moving on?
The Knights of Good are moving on.
I just posted a call for video submissions for new guild
members on the official forums.
I know there are plenty of people just waiting to--
align their guild aspirations and play styles with our own
unique needs.
I can't wait to be one picking someone, rather than someone
picking me.
This way, there's no way I can be rejected.
I'm an ego-half-empty kind of girl.

LORD BOLEO: Hello, Codex.
I am Lord Boleo, and this is my formal application to take
part of your guild.
MALE SPEAKER: I saw your guild invitation.
Very interesting.
DG: My name is Doom&Gloom but most guys just call me DG.
And I'm looking to expand my horizons with a new guild.
STRYDER: My name is Stryder.
S-T-R-umlaut-Y-D -umlaut-E-capital-R.
MALE SPEAKER: We're conjoined twins.
MALE SPEAKER: We're not noobs.
MALE SPEAKER: I'm a fantastic team player, and I
have a lust for blood!
LORD BOLEO: Questing's one of my favorite things.
MALE SPEAKER: I am a wizard.
LORD BOLEO: I wake up in the morning and say, where am I
going to quest today?
MALE SPEAKER: I would kill to be part of your guild.
LORD BOLEO: My RL job is teaching high school
MALE SPEAKER: Are you ready to raid?
I said, are you ready to raid?
MALE SPEAKER: I, for one, am not a violent person.
But I am!
MALE SPEAKER: Mmmmmmmmmmm.
LORD BOLEO: All right.
This is Lord Boleo signing off.
See you soon.
BLADEZZ: Yeah, that was a buffet of humanity I wish I'd
never had to sample.
CODEX: Um, come on.
A few of those applications looked OK.
VORK: The only opinion I will voice is that I wouldn't trust
any of them with a gun in the event of a domestic
CODEX: That's your measure of a guild member?
VORK: You barely passed.
CLARA: What's wrong with the guy who talked poetry?
Is he a senator or something?
CODEX: One of these people has to do.
We can't experience all the new expansion content without
a full party.
I want to play.
BLADEZZ: Creepy whisper.
CLARA: I'm in the closet, hiding from my husband because
we're supposed to be spending time together.
But I don't know how to interact with him without a
screen involved.
Let's just find Tink and game.
CODEX: It's not going to happen.
She's not coming back.
Moving on.
VORK: I don't mean to criticize--
CODEX: Then don't.
If you are not taking back guild leader, then don't say
anything at all.
Say something so that I can infer you're taking
back this job now.
In face, I'm about to log off.
I can't conduct my internet business comfortably when I'm
using a Wi-Fi access point named "Scuzzbucket Lick My
BLADEZZ: Scuzzbucket Lick My Ponybutt?
That's the first time I"ve laughed all day.
God, I hate you.
ZABOO: Hey, ex-girlfriend.
I need some good advice.
When you're using handcuffs while fooling around, right?
You're not supposed to leave the person tied
up outside all night.
Pretty sure that's not cool sextiquette.
CODEX: Um, other than some racy vampire
literature I've read, no.
CODEX: Good.
ZABOO: Zaboo, if Riley's making you do things that make
you uncomfortable--
ZABOO: No, no.
Not at all.
I mean, she's so pretty and she makes my genitals feel
really warm and nice.
While the rest of my body screams in absolute pain.
Ugh, conundrum!
CODEX: Definitely TMI.
What are we gonna do, guys?
We have to find other player.
I am willing to take anyone at this point.
CLARA: Oh my god.
Oh my god!
I just got the bestest idea.
I'll be right back.
CODEX: Anyone within reason.
Not that Lord Boleo guy.
You're right.
Fops are creepy.
ZABOO: Totes.
CLARA: Hey, guys, meet your new guildmate.
GEORGE: You want me to game with you?
CLARA: Yeah, you said you wanted to
do more stuff together.
GEORGE: Well, yeah, I was actually thinking, you know,
salsa dancing.
Or couples therapy.
This is my husband George, but his avatar name is going to be
Mr. Wiggly.
GEORGE: Clara.
CLARA: Oh, they won't know that's my name for it.
Unless I hold open the mic like that.

MR. WIGGLY: Uh, hi.
Clara's told me nothing about you.
But I look forward to doing whatever
it is you do together.
ZABOO: Uh, how much experience do you have
gaming there, Wiggly?
MR. WIGGLY: I played Pong as a kid.
This is in color, I see.
BLADEZZ: What's Pong?
CODEX: Uh, thanks, Wiggly.
But we definitely need someone way more savvy.
RILEY: I leave you alone for one second and you run away
from the stable?
Bad horse!
ZABOO: Sweetykins--
agh, sorry.
So I just came over to help Codex
with some guild business.
RILEY: What business?
CODEX: Um, that's my bed.
RILEY: So watch or leave.
ZABOO: Uh, yeah, see, we actually lost Tink, so we're
down a player, and we--
RILEY: You are?
ZABOO: Uh-huh.
RILEY: Want me to play with you, Stallion?
That sounds great, Mr. Wiggly.
Welcome to the Knights of Good.
We just filled the space.

ZABOO: Awkward.

CODEX: I am not going to be defensive about my choice for
the new guild member.
That's sounded really defensive.
Fine, I admit it.
I didn't want Riley in the guild.
I don't care if she plays games and would be an awesome
addition skill-wise.
There are just some people I don't want to interact with.
A lot of those people happen to be taller, prettier, and
more charismatic than me.
But in this instance, I feel like I made the best decision
for the guild.
And I am going to watch this back a few times to convince
myself of that.

CODEX: Wiggly, you don't run away from the bad guys, you
shoot them.
MR. WIGGLY: But it hurts when they hit me.
Push to talk.
But they keep hitting me.
Clara, how does this microphone thing work?
VORK: Mr. Wiggly, concentrate GPS.
MR. WIGGLY: I don't know what that means, Spork.
VORK: Vork.
MR. WIGGLY: Sorry.
Clara, I can't get my person thingy to move.
CLARA: You're doing great, honey.
ZABOO: Wiggly, wrong way.
No, no.
Don't go into the minotaur.
CODEX: No, no, no!
No, no!
He's pulled.
BLADEZZ: And now we're dead.
RILEY: Zaboo, report.
ZABOO: My lady calls.
Hopefully she's got something in store for me that's less
torturous than this.
CODEX: OK, everyone else take a few breaths.
CLARA: Clara, we need to have a little guild
meeting, sans Wiggly.
Oh, he's not Spanish.
CODEX: Without him.
Honey, I printed you out some game guides.
How about you go have a look-see?
I love you.
MR. WIGGLY: I love you, too.
This game has homework?
CLARA: Man, I should have kissed that
stunt guy months ago.
This is great!
VORK: Clara, you're wed to an incompetent.
Mr. Wiggly needs to be ejected from the guild.
He should never have been admitted in the first place.
CODEX: Vork, you are entitled to your opinion.
But until you're guild leader again, I say who's
in and who's out.
VORK: Well.
CODEX: I would like us all to discuss how we can help Mr.
Wiggly be--
not so utterly awful.
CLARA: Well, he didn't accidentally turn off his
laptop this time.
That's an improvement.
Playing with the computer actually on.
Big step.
CLARA: Look, if we don't play together, then I don't play at
all, remember?
So there's your choice, buckos.
CODEX: No, no, no.
We can't be down two players.
He stays.
For now.
VALKYRIE: Hi, I'm applying to be part of the Knights of the
Good, where everything's rainbows and
applesauce and sunshine.
Oh, you guys have a sharing rule, right?
I would love to be a member.
Except that I wouldn't.
CODEX: Who is this?
VALKYRIE: Valkyrie, from the Axis of Anarchy.
Did you see that little website I made
for your little guildie?
Oh, I guess I'm most proud of the typography.
I thought a font with serifs would really just, like, you
know, rub it in.
CODEX: What you guys did to Bladezz was totally low.
We don't want to have anything to do with you.
You had your revenge, and now I'm bored.
VALKYRIE: You'll be needing more than a group hug when the
next twist of the knife turns, Bladezz-y Wadezz-y.
VALKYRIE: Oh, hello, sir.
I'm on with a client, actually.
Her damask came in and, well, it showed up in coral instead
of lavender like she asked.
So, you know.
Surfing the internet?
No, of course I'm not.
There's a strict rule in the office.
And I'm really happy you implemented it, because I
think we all need to focus.
You guys are stupid.
CLARA: Well, that sounded serious, that damask thing.
CODEX: Do you think they're going to try something else?
VORK: As an individual who's not a leader, I have no
opinion on the matter.
BLADEZZ: They can't force me any lower on the high school
totem pole.
A cover band called Smulders played with the
face-on-a-stick during lunch today.
I'm never going to get a date.
BLADEZZ' MOM: Simon, get in here.
BLADEZZ: And my mom's blowing a gasket.
Zaboo was supposed to get Tink's info.
It couldn't hurt to try to track her down, see if
she can stop this.
Going AFK.
VORK: Yes.
Thank you for obtaining the Harvest Elementary Wi-Fi key.
Here's a small exciting toy.
Now leave.
ALVIN: Is that a video game in your car?
VORK: Yes.
It is.
Do you like video games?
ALVIN: Yeah.
Can I play?
The cerebral cortex is underdeveloped for humans
before puberty.
Hey, that's my ride.
How did I provoke such an attack?
ALVIN: Because you're ugly and you use stupid long words.
VORK: You made some good points.
I see the potential for male pattern baldness on your
scalp, something I experienced myself at your age.
Do you find it affects your leadership skills?
ALVIN: I'm bald?
MS. WAGNER: Alvin, who are you talking to?
Why do you have all this equipment in your van?
Are you taping the children?
ALVIN: Ms. Wagner, he said I'm undercortexed and balding.
VORK: It only gets worse.
Good luck with the chicks.

RILEY: It's open.

CODEX: Oh, hi.
RILEY: You looking for Wade?
CODEX: Oh, god, no.
Is he here?
RILEY: He's in Vancouver, roundhousing Lorenzo Lamas.
I will never hear the end of it.
CODEX: Good.
I was hoping to never see him again.
I just needed to ask Zaboo something.
RILEY: He's out.
In case you didn't get it, this?
Bitch stare.
CODEX: That's cool.
So I--I just gotta go.
You know.
I've just--
I caught it.
RILEY: Play me.
CODEX: What?
Um, no.
I've got guild leadering to do, so.
RILEY: Not good enough for the guild.
Not good enough to hang out with?
I'm cooler than you.
The rejection letter goes the other way, nerdlet.
CODEX: Reje--
I didn't reject you.
I just filled the spot, gosh.
RILEY: Like I wanted to play with you
little RPG fairies anyway.
When I game, it's sit, shoot, kill.
Let's go.
Oh, unless these big bad buttons are too scawy.
CODEX: Well, if you're gonna be snarky about it, I think I
could spare a minute.
RILEY: If you puke on my controller, I will kick you in
the head with my steel-toed boot.
You ask Zaboo if you think I'm kidding.
That boy bruises like a peach.
CODEX: You know, you're the first girl
Zaboo's ever been with.
You might want to be a little--
gentle with him.
I mean, he's a really-- oh.
Who would program a game like that?
I would never run that fast down a hallway in real life.
RILEY: Here.

I know all the pressure points for pain and pleasure.
CODEX: That feels better, actually.
RILEY: You have such soft skin.
Dungeon prisoner pale.
CODEX: Thanks?

CODEX: Zaboo!
Oh, thank you.
RILEY: He was out.
Guess he woke up.
Fresh air.
Thank you.
I will not forget to make you breakfast
again, that's for sure.
CODEX: What is going on here?
RILEY: I think it's fairly obvious.
He forgot to make me breakfast, so I knocked him
out and tied him up.
Now it won't happen again.
ZABOO: I am a fast learner.
Codex, Bladezz just texted me, and someone planted something
in his locker.
I mean, the cops are at his doorstep.
He can go to juvie.
CODEX: The anarchists strike again.

Someone planted five pairs of nunchuks, a pink pack of
ladies' razors, and a kitchen blow torch--
you know, the ones you use for creme brulee-- in Bladezz's
school locker.
They have a zero-tolerance policy for
weapons, even lame ones.
So Bladezz could be in big trouble.
And that tool face from the Asses of Anarchy had to log on
and rub it in.
A boy named Valkyrie?
He's a guy who plays a girl's character.
I don't know why I said that like it was an insult.
Anyway, as guild leader I have to help out my guildie, who's
in high school.
Man, I'm so old now.

BLADEZZ: And my friends saw a hot chick wheeling through the
hallways, so they totally framed me.
ZABOO: Think they'd use a more inconspicuous mole.
VORK: Attractive women in
wheelchairs have life immunity.
CLARA: What a buttwaffle move.
We've got to get them to stop this.
MR. WIGGLY: Everyone, what are these experience points I keep
hearing you talk about?
CODEX: They're what you use to level your character, Wiggly.
I think we need to contact this rival guild--
MR. WIGGLY: Level?
Is that where you get in the ocean and swim around a lot?
Because I did that for like two hours last
night to build up muscle.
ZABOO: There is so much fail in that sentence,
I can hardly begin.
CLARA: Honey, can you go do 100 push-ups for me?
I just love it when you have firm abs.

If we're going to make fun of my husband, let's do
it behind his back.
CODEX: Clara, he's not getting better.
CLARA: But I made him macros.
And as soon as I can get them to understand what that means,
he'll be on auto pilot.
VORK: Warning.
If we continue to play with him, we have to accept that
our median level of skill will nosedive.
We will morph into--
dare I say it?
I won't do it.
I'll quit first.
I'm ruined in life.
I cannot be ruined in game.
Shut up!
You're killing me.
(SOBBING) I want things to feel like they were before.
CODEX: Bladezz, turn the caps off.
I have an idea.
Are you up for a trade?
I told you.
As a hunter, you have to stay far back to attack.
MR. WIGGLY: Oh, I'm a hunter.
CLARA: Is he helping you?
Are you finished?
I'm ready to get online now.
MR. WIGGLY: Oh, sweetie, could you just give us a few?
Bladezz is giving me a few tricks to
add to the old arsenal.
BLADEZZ: Wiggly, you don't have an arsenal.
You're in a pit of noob and you can't get out.
CLARA: You guys are so cute!
BLADEZZ: Oh my god.
You're fighting with a spoon?
OK, seriously.
This is going to take forever.
MR. WIGGLY: You're like the Dork Squad, right?
$25 an hour?
BLADEZZ: Oh, that's right.
CLARA: Are you guys done yet?
BLADEZZ: Shut it.
This is going to take hours.
Hours and hours.
CODEX: Just do your scales.
Tap your foot to the beat.
DENA: Got it.
CODEX: I have guild business to attend to.

BRUISER: Ding dong.
Fresh meat.
FAWKES: We got a strange [BLEEP]
in chat again?
NIK: Kwan requested the strange [BLEEP]
please leave.
This is Codex from the Knights of Good.
You guys can't keep attacking Bladezz like this.
FAWKES: Can't?
In anarchy speak, can't translates as should.
CODEX: He could go to jail.
VALKYRIE: We don't do anything half-assed.
We Anarchists use both cheeks.
BRUISER: Venom arranged to substitute
teach at his school.
Sit back and admire the skill level.
CODEX: Venom's a teacher?
I like to give kids an outlet for their hate and misery.
CODEX: Tink, are you seriously OK with this?
VENOM: She's not here.
And I'd rather take a bath with a toaster
than listen to this.
My boot slipped.
CODEX: Rude.
They blocked me?
Oh, god!
Out of tune!
DENA: Constructive criticism?

CODEX: Uh, put your finger in the middle of the fret.
It's Bladezz's sister.
You're my MyFace friend.
DENA: Who isn't?
CODEX: Uh, did you get any information on Tink?
ZABOO: Yes, yes.
I have her dorm address.
And I also found out that she's pre-med.
Which is, quite frankly, scary.
CODEX: I guess I'll try to contact her, see if we can
stop some of this stuff.
What is around your neck?
ZABOO: Oh, this?
This was given to me by Riley.
Love token.
CODEX: Is that a dog collar?
ZABOO: No, no.
It's a human collar.
Has my name and contact information
in case I get lost.
Anyway, Riley likes you and would like to get to know you
better, you know, with me, in more nontraditional ways.
CODEX: In what?
ZABOO: You know, in activities that are not so PG-rated.
CODEX: I don't understand.
DENA: He's asking you for a three-way.
That's correct.
The little one gets it.
CODEX: Play.
Zaboo, look.
I don't think this relationship
with Riley is healthy.
ZABOO: Aww, I get what's going on here.
Yeah, you're jealous.
CODEX: No. that is completely the wrong conclusion you
should have drawn from that.
ZABOO: Well, what am I supposed to think?
All that lashing out and that using of a lash.
I guess she needs something more from me, you know?
More romance, more feelings.
Come on, Zaboo!
Gotta do something good!
CODEX: No, that-- no-- oh.
DENA: That's not going to end well.
I--I'm not involved.
I'm not involved.
Why am I in charge here?
Where is Vork?
VORK: This is the only way I can get four bars.
Cuatro baras.



BRUISER: Keeping your nose clean, delinquent?
BLADEZZ: Officer, what are you doing here?
BRUISER: Greetings from the Axis of Anarchy.
I just banged your mom.

CODEX: I wondered why Bladezz's mom had this weird
smile on her face when she picked up Dena.
This situation is untenable.
I've never used that word before.
How about scary, disturbing, and borderline illegal.
It's crazy!
Who would go to these lengths to besmirch
someone over a game?
That-- that's another stupid word.
I am paying to play this game and it has become my full-time
stress-filled job.
It's just discombobulating--

CODEX: Bladezz, calm down and explain it slowly.
BLADEZZ: The big dude from the rival guild banged my mom.
I can't explain it any better.
I'm traumatized.
CLARA: Well, maybe he was bluffing.
Can you prove it?
BLADEZZ: It's my mom.
Just thinking about proving it traumatized me again.
ZABOO: Bladezz, we've all seen our moms naked
in many, many positions.
CODEX: No, we haven't.
CLARA: No, not really.
ZABOO: Forget I said anything.
CLARA: You know, we should call the police or something.
This is getting crazy sauced.
The dude is a cop.
He was in full uniform and everything.
CLARA: Ooh, cop uniform?
Your mom must have been an easy drop.
CODEX: Clara!
ZABOO: Sorry guildies, but I must depart.
I'm off to deepen my relationship and form a
lasting bond.
CODEX: Bladezz, I'm sending an email to their admin account
asking the other guild leader to meet in a private channel.
We're going to settle this like adults or something.
And this is a perfect time for Vork to take over.
VORK: Not yet.
But you'll be pleased to know I'm making personal progress.
While cruising at 15 miles per hour through affluent
neighborhoods, I've stumbled upon this--
the perfect Wi-Fi connection.
VORK: Is there a problem here?
FEMALE SPEAKER: You are in my driveway.
VORK: Your Wi-Fi is unfortunately
sporadic past the curb.
Not to mention, today is street cleaning.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I don't know you.
VORK: Herman Holden, AKA Vork.
I am a seeker of knowledge of myself.
The name of your Wi-Fi connection, Enlightenment,
drew me here.
FEMALE SPEAKER: You are playing a video
game in your car.
VORK: I'm soul searching, but I do have gaming obligations.
Tell me, is there an innate and avoidable resentment of
women against men in an authority position?
When you look at me, how intense is your penis envy on
a scale of one to 10?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Are you seriously sitting in my
driveway, using my internet, asking me about penis?
VORK: Exactly.
No sir.
I'm calling the police.
VORK: So much for enlightenment.
I'll be online later, guildies.

FAWKES: Did someone request a private chat?
All you need is confidence and ignorance.
Then success is sure.
Mark Twain.
I was hoping the two of us meeting could help defuse the
situation between our guilds.
FAWKES: Sure you did.
Point one, Bladezz is a kid, not just an anonymous name on
your computer screen.
FAWKES: Oh, I know.
Bruiser banged his mom.
That's about as unanonymous as you can get.
CODEX: I was hoping we could resolve this
in a civilized manner.
FAWKES: Hey, I live by my own rules.
I'm the kind of guy who doesn't pay attention when the
gas tank tells me to fill it.
I fill it when I [BLEEP]
well please.
CODEX: If everyone treated each other like that, no one
would be safe anywhere.
People would be calling roadside
assistance all the time.
It would be chaos.
FAWKES: Life is PVP.
In game and out.
PVP means player versus player.
CODEX: I know what PVP is.
You guys have gone above and beyond getting revenge.
Even Tink would agree with that.
FAWKES: Well, Tink isn't here, is she?
Because you didn't invite her.
Because you wanted to see me.
CODEX: Wait, what?
FAWKES: All right.
Don't admit it or acknowledge it.
Maybe you're not even aware of it because your sexuality
scares you.
Embrace the fear.
CODEX: OK, sexuality does not scare me.
I am very adequate in that area, and it's--
I see what you're doing, with your brainiac steamrolling.
You're trying to throw me off-track.
Well, I have news for you, Highlander.
My brain's as good as yours is.
I just don't use it to bully people.
Or quote things.
FAWKES: Oh, you think we're equals?
OK guild leader.
You just ordered up the full Axis of Anarchy treatment.
I want you to remember this moment, because you just asked
for something that you definitely cannot handle.
CODEX: Can I just call a do-over?

CODEX: Tink.
TINKERBALLA: What are you doing here?
Do you know my real name?
You know, the medical school's always looking for cadavers.
CODEX: Calm down, Tink.
I need to talk to you about your new guild.
I risk a lot coming out here, out into the sun.
Any second, I could start to burn.
TINKERBALLA: Is Bladezz still all boo-hoo about that Finn
Smulders site?
You know, no one made him pose like a diva.
CODEX: Do you know what else they're doing to him?
Planting weapons on him?
Seducing his mom?
They see a play, they run it.
CODEX: You know, this isn't a game.
They're ruining his life.
TINKERBALLA: He ruined my life.
The character he destroyed was closer to me than any of you
guild lame-os.
CODEX: The only reason you had fun with that character at all
is 'cause we're a guild and we play together.
Even Bladezz was part of that.
TINKERBALLA: I totally just saw a freckle
pop up on your face.

Tell the Anarchists to back off.
I can't promise--
I can't promise we won't fight back.
TINKERBALLA: What are the Knights of Good going to do
with you as a leader?
Call them over for s'mores?
CODEX: What's wrong with s'mores?
TINKERBALLA: Two freckles just grew together.
They're forming a pod.

RILEY: Lovely day to play outside.
ZABOO: Yes, my love.
I want us to have a very special outing, you know, to
rekindle the romance and recharge our health meters.
Or my health meter.
You haven't seen it yet because we've been copulating
so much, but I'm a man of great romance in my heart.
And I brought this token of my affection to present.
This is my commemorative gaming ring.
It has a cave troll engraved on it.
And I want you wear it as a symbol of our blossoming love.
RILEY: That's cool.
ZABOO: Aooaahh!
Here-- let me kiss--
What the fuzzballs.
RILEY: No kiss.
Give me the ring.

I'll give you a 45-second head start.
ZABOO: For what?
RILEY: Run in a Z, sweetie!
ZABOO: That wasn't 45 seconds!
CODEX: Hi, my name is Codex.
As the temporary guild leader for the Knights of Good guild,
I am posting this call to arms against another gaming guild,
the Axis of Anarchy.
And before you comment, yes, I'm a girl, and
yes, I play the game.
Where was I?
Despite our attempts to make peace, this other said guild
has continued to attack one of our members out of game in a
skeevy fashion.
I appeal to the community to take a stance against
harassment and injustice and join us in asking the Axis of
Anarchy to stop messing with us like jerks.
Thank you for helping us make our world a
better place to game.

CODEX: Dead again?
BLADEZZ: This is insane.
We can't do anything in game anymore.
ZABOO: Now that the Access of Anarchy has put a bounty on
our head, no.
We cannot.
CODEX: I thought confronting them was the
right thing to do.
Broadcasting to everyone in the game
that we're Share Bears?
If I saw that video, I'd be ganking me too.
DENA: He's right, you know.
CODEX: I just don't understand how they're finding us in the
game so easily.
MR. WIGGLY: People keep messaging me, offering to help
us out, but I when I tell them where we are, nobody shows up.
ZABOO: Who's messaging you?
BLADEZZ: Wiggly, where did you get all that bad-ass armor.
You didn't have that when I was showing
you the game ropes.
MR. WIGGLY: Some guy and his girlfriend hooked me up.
CODEX: Hooked you up in exchange for what?
MR. WIGGLY: Knowing me?
Real nice Korean couple.
CODEX: I bet it's that Anarchist.
DENA: A mole.
Classic warfare technique.
CODEX: Oh my god, Wiggly.
You've been spying on us for the other team.
CLARA: Hey, watch it.
My husband may play like Helen Keller,
but he's not two-faced.
CODEX: He just admitted to giving out our location in the
game to everyone, and now he's tricked out in bribes.
MR. WIGGLY: I was leading on my own.
ZABOO: Dude, that's not a verb.
CODEX: OK, that's it.
You are out.
ZABOO: Finally.
CODEX: I'm sorry, Clara, but I've got to stand for
something as guild leader.
Mr. Wiggly, you are no longer a Knight of Good.
MR. WIGGLY: Now listen here.
I am too old to get kicked out of anything.
Clara and I are leaving.
CLARA: Yeah.
MR. WIGGLY: You heard me.
I did this so we could spend more time together.
You can't keep playing by yourself if I'm not welcome.
CODEX: Clara, don't leave.
I have too.
Take that, you dungeoneering bozos.
Clara is ix-nay on your uild-gay anymore-ay.

VORK: That could have been handled better.
CODEX: Shut up, Vork.
You know what?
You dumped all of this in my lap, and all you've been doing
is backseat leadering the whole time.
I am sick of it.
You're just a poo-face.
VORK: Codex!
You, of all people turning on me as well?
Do I truly have the power to snap your gentle spirit?
I must be a monster.
Oh, god.
Clara's gone.
Vork's gone.
Guess I'll hit the road.
Pack a backpack.
Street kids always look like they're having fun, like it's
an apocalypse or something.

CODEX: They've done it.
They've destroyed us.
We've got nothing left.
DENA: A small force is but booty for one more powerful.
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
CODEX: Why is everyone quoting stuff?
The Art of War?
DENA: Well, I do dioramas of Civil War battles as a hobby.
You see, you went on the offensive but were unable to
withstand provoked onslaught.
CODEX: OK, I'm just going to go with this.
What should I do?
DENA: Well, with your forces weakened, you should go after
their weakest link.
CODEX: Weakest link.
So I tried Tink and the other guild leader.
That didn't work.
That one guy's a cop.
The other one doesn't speak English.
The wheelchair girl's just mean.
So, um, the damask guy.
DENA: What's damask?
You don't know everything.
DENA: Shut up.
CODEX: Sorry.
VORK: You ever get the feeling that people
just don't like you?
Knowing that, how can I ever be guild leader again?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Leading isn't about being liked.
VORK: What do you think about me?
FEMALE SPEAKER: On first sight, I kinda hated you.
But I'll take money from anyone.
VORK: I'm not paying you anything.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Then I really hate you.

VORK: Embrace the hatred.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Give me a hot dog.
VORK: Might be time to go home.

Let's do it.

CODEX: Thanks for coming.
We're the last ones standing.
ZABOO: No worries.
My every waking moment is a humiliation.
This assault will not go unanswered.
CODEX: What are you talking about?
ZABOO: This situation.
He's Alt-Tabbed.
Judo roll!
Judo roll!
CODEX: What?

ZABOO: You've been disarmed, sir.
VALKYRIE: What are you guys doing here?
How did you find me?
You guys gotta get out before my boss sees you.
You are so uncoordinated.
ZABOO: Oh, the Wrathweed Plains.
I know that area well.
Farming for heatherwood, are we?
Interesting workplace assignment.
CODEX: If your guild doesn't stop harassing Bladezz, we're
gonna tell your boss how much you like
playing games at work.
ZABOO: Oh, 913 hours logged on this IP address.
VALKYRIE: No, please, please.
I cannot lose this job.
How am I supposed to stop the rest of my guild from messing
with you guys?
I'm not their keeper.
ZABOO: I don't know.
How are you going to stop from screaming when I take these
bracers of the Unrecht tribe off your character?
VALKYRIE: No, please.
No, please.
Don't, no, no--
ZABOO: Hold them over the trash bin.
VALKYRIE: No, no, they don't-- that doesn't go there.
ZABOO: Hold him down, Codex.
VALKYRIE: No, you wouldn't.
ZABOO: And then let go.
And then click Yes when prompt to delete them!
ZABOO: Yeah, yeah.
Keep him down, Codex.
Close the iron maiden.
What's the next move for the Anarchists?
CODEX: Oh, pretty Pauldrons of the Double Duel Dragons.
Going poof.
VALKYRIE: Those pauldrons had adamantium sockets.
CODEX: Well, just tell us something.
We'll stop.
Your leggings will be safe.
CODEX: Oh, no they won't.
There goes your five-piece set bonus there, buddy?
Who's helpless now?
Lock me into a closet?
I'll show you.
CODEX: Don't--
Zaboo, stop!
You're being crazy.
ZABOO: I'm not puny!
I'm well-proportioned for a man of my size.
He's basically freaking both of us out now.
So tell me what I can do to stop this.
VALKYRIE: Nothing.
We'll never stop.
At our next LAN party we're going to make a list of all
the things we're going do to the rest of you, OK?
In your real life.
It's out of my control.
CODEX: When is the LAN party?
What is damask?
ZABOO: Delete!
VALKYRIE: Tomorrow.
Charlies Internet Cafe.
2 o'clock, back room.
And damask is a reversible fabric.
It's sewn with one warp yarn and one weft yarn.
It was invented in the Byzantine era.
ZABOO: Oh, that's really interesting.
And delete.
Not my longsword.
You tiny monster.
CODEX: He's naked.
You killed his outfit.
ZABOO: Sorry, there, fabric boy.
Why don't you gather up the rest of your peeps and tell
them that we're coming for you.
your breath is hot.
You should go with him.
CODEX: Zaboo, what happened back there?
I'm pretty sure there's a UN mandate against it.
How could you?
ZABOO: I don't know.
I don't know what came over me, you know?
It was just his pain, and all that power-- it was--
it was intoxicating.
What's happened to me?

CODEX: And then there were none.

ZABOO: You're my ride, actually, so.
CODEX: It's official.
I broke the Knights of Good.
Clara and Tink quit, stupid Vork went AWOL, Bladezz is
going on the run, somehow, and Zaboo digitally
waterboarded someone.
It's over.
What am I gonna do?
I don't want to have to meet new people.
New people means awkwardness and flailing
around for common topics.
An invitation to coffee, even though both of you know you're
never going to follow through, ever.
Why did this have to happen?
I liked the people I had before.

VORK: Codex.
You made me guild leader and I ruined everything, you jerk.
VORK: I understand your hostility more
than you can imagine.
In the past few days I've made discoveries
about myself, Codex.
More precisely, $13 worth of gas in discoveries.
CODEX: What did you discover?
Dare I ask?
VORK: People don't like me.
I elicited repugnance and resentment in humans from all
walks of life.
I believe one person compared talking with me to, quote,
"shaving my privates with a dull, rusted cheese
grater." End quote.
I'm sorry.
VORK: Don't be.
I now know why I am in fact a great leader.
CODEX: Because people hate you?
VORK: Bingo.
I can wield that unification like a glove, act as a
benevolent overlord, so to speak.
Henceforth, I have ended my journey and I have arrived to
take back guild leader.
CODEX: Well, it's a little late.
The Anarchists are meeting today.
They're having a LAN party and they're going to plan how to
destroy all of us out of game.
There's no reason to put us back together 'cause they'll
just break us again.
VORK: Then we're settle this the Napoleonic way.
Two armies, face to face.
The guerrilla warfare must stop.
We will not be defeated.
Evil must be toppled.
We have the power!
CODEX: This is a techno song, right?
VORK: Marshal your weapons.
Let's rally the troops!
I'll just clean that up later.

ZABOO: Dudes, I can't help you.
Can't be trusted.
The impish and adorable Zaboo you knew is no longer.
CODEX: What are you playing?
Is that Sir Loopalot?
That game is for four-year-olds.
ZABOO: I thought it would cleanse my soul.
There's so many pastels and penguins.
Makes my inner demons want to make those happy animals die.
Die die die!
VORK: Zaboo!
Stop wallowing.
The guild needs you.
ZABOO: Lies.
Guild doesn't need a broken Warlock.
CODEX: You're not broken.
Riley did this to you.
I told you she was no good for you.
ZABOO: Riley's the only woman that over loved me back.
We're like cloven, or whatever.
You didn't want me.
Stop trying to break us up.
CODEX: I am not trying to break you up.
That is just ridiculous.
ZABOO: Shut up, Loopalot.
CODEX: That's so annoying!
VORK: Absolutely maddening!
Zaboo, if you choose not to accompany us, then we must
move on without you.
And you'll be dead to me as a human being.
And were I in a situation where I would have to choose
between saving you or a dog who I've never met before from
drowning, then I would do my best to drown you myself in
order to save the strange, unfamiliar dog, who I would
not even care to keep after rescuing but would afterwards
place in a non-abusive foster home.
Good day.

ZABOO: All right, all right.
I'll help you.
Just remember that Zaboo is no longer.
I'm half the player I used to be.
So just call me Zab, or--
Yeah, that's cool.
Just-- just call me Boo.
CODEX: Just come on.

GEORGE: Honey, you OK?
CLARA: I love spending time with my family.
This is so much better than gaming.
GEORGE: OK, guys.
Let's go make Mommy a snack.
Come on.
To the kitchen!
CLARA: I love snacking with my family.
This is so much better than gaming.
CLARA: What are you guys doing here?
Go away before Wiggly sees you.
ZABOO: Clara, you're a dog.
Like, a drowning dog.
I'm gonna drown you.
I'm gonna kill you, and you're gonna learn to--
how does this go?
VORK: What?
Clara, I've taken over the guild leadership again.
The Knights of Good is my intellectual property.
I've trademarked a logo and hope to turn it into a
legitimate business someday, possibly a
delicious breakfast cereal.
CLARA: Oh, marshmallow Zaboos.
ZABOO: Oh, cool.
Can I be cinnamon-flavored?
CODEX: That has nothing to do with anything.
Clara, we need you.
We're going to Charlies Internet Cafe and we're going
to confront the Axis or Anarchy.
We're going to save the guild.
CLARA: I can't go.
I've hung up my maid's robe.
I'm a housewife now, you know, for my marriage and stuff.
I absolutely, totally can't go.
CODEX: But, Clara.
Gabby, go hide, and when Daddy gets really worried and comes
and finds you, give him this.

You know, I made the effort to resist.
That's all that counts, right?

CODEX: Nice outfit.
ZABOO: Yeah, nice outfit, man.
BLADEZZ: I was about go undercover at a
polo club in Argentina.
It's an old internet buddy.
CODEX: What?
ZABOO: Oh, you know.
In-game gun.
Hunter weapon.
Looks like a shotgun-- shotgun.
BLADEZZ: Give up the seat.
I called it.
ZABOO: He did.
CODEX: Fine.
VORK: Let's do this.
CODEX: Man, It felt good to be back together again.
I think being in a guild satisfies one
of my secret wishes--
to be in a gang.
I mean, I know they do bad things, things associated with
gang-like activity, but it's kind of cool to have that
exclusive connection with other people.
We could invent secret handshakes, wear matching
outfits, meeting for brunch at the hideout.
That sounds more like a book club.
Upshot is, those dudes were going down.

FAWKES: Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Knights of Goob.
VORK: You are.
The insurgency must stop.
We battle to end this here and now.
ZABOO: Guild-o a guild-o.
VORK: Don't help.
FAWKES: A challenge.
We accept.

That's our menu.
VORK: I've formulated a simple system of
24 elimination rounds.
Initial pairings will be determined by using US Census
data from the 1990s.
It should take about six hours--
FAWKES: Screw that.
Immediate play.
Battle royale.
VORK: Fine.
But winner declared winner.
FAWKES: Well, that's [BLEEP]
CODEX: If someone from our guild wins, you guys have to
leave this alone, forever.
FAWKES: And when we win?
VORK: The guild will cease operations.
The Knights of Good will be but a noble blip in gaming
existence, and I'll return to playing Chinese checkers with
various neighborhood children.
Set it up.
VALKYRIE: Absolutely.
VORK: Guildies, a moment.
I don't know what's about to transpire, but I do want to
prepare you for this.
Hearts may be broken.
Avatars will surely die.
ZABOO: Yeah.
That dude in the track suit, Kwan?
I looked him up.
He's a champion Starcraft player.
He makes millions playing in Korea.
CODEX: He's got a hand masseuse.
ZABOO: Those are the man's instruments.
BLADEZZ: I could use a masseuse for my instrument.
CLARA: Tink, we need a zinger!
I miss her.
GEORGE: Clara?
CLARA: Oh, Gabby's such a bad hider.
GEORGE: Is this really your decision?
Choosing a game over our marriage?
I can't believe you left without telling me.
CLARA: You wouldn't have wanted me to go,
and I wanted to go.
Why go through the motions?
ZABOO: She's got a point, actually--
GEORGE: Can you give us a moment?
ZABOO: I can.
CLARA: Wanna make out to make up?

VALKYRIE: Just so you know, I'll be playing my alt
character Artemis since my main
character has no equipment.
CODEX: I am really sorry about what happened.
It got completely out of control, and we just--
So you play two girl characters?
Is there something wrong with that?
VALKYRIE: I play two girl characters
because I like girls.
I like looking at girls.
I'm a girl-loving guy.

(QUIETLY) I like your shoes.
GEORGE: They kicked me out.
Where's your loyalty?
They don't think you're a straitjacket anymore.
GEORGE: You mean a turncoat?
CLARA: Yeah, that.
Hey, Vork, Wiggly's in the clear, right?
VORK: As recently reinstated guild leader, I'm willing to
assume your nefarious activity wasn't deliberate, that you
were just an idiot.
CLARA: How awesome is that?
BLADEZZ: I'll be enjoying this.
Finally meeting you on equal ground.
Your dick could fit in my ear canal.
Shield that.
ZABOO: I just want to say that I really admire people who
overcome adversity.
My aunt plays the piccolo without a pinky finger.
VENOM: If you talk to me again, I'll cut myself where I
can't feel anything and bleed out all over the concrete.
ZABOO: Gotcha'd.
CLARA: I can't stop crying.
GEORGE: You're not crying.
You're just shaking your bottom lip.
CLARA: All right, look.
Let's just get through this, and I promise this will be the
last time I'll game.
GEORGE: It has to be, Clara, or otherwise
your word means nothing.
I cannot participate in a shell of a marriage.
CLARA: Oh, I love chocolate bunnies.
GEORGE: You-- how--
how did that just happen, that sentence?
CLARA: Well, they're when you eat them.
Come on.
I gotta game.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Your tap water, sir.


NIK: Kwan says--

FAWKES: Nice view.
Beauty that dies the soonest has the longest life.
CODEX: I don't care.
FAWKES: Three.


TINKERBALLA: Sweet justice.
Killing you will be the best part of my week.
BLADEZZ: You've made it clear in every way.
If I died, the world would be a better place.
I got it.
TINKERBALLA: When I kick you and you take it?
Not so fun.
VENOM: Why won't they let me be myself and
play a disabled avatar?
VORK: Redesigning medieval towns to accommodate the
handicapped would certainly impact the graphic aesthetics.
For instance, ramps in dungeons would limit the
Oh, dead already?
VENOM: Blah, blah, blah.
You're dead, baldy.
Oh, no sir.
Honey mustard!
Son of a nugget.
ZABOO: That's some lame Tourettes, dude.
GEORGE: Remember we're supposed to be taking the kids
to the park today?
Can't believe I'm sitting here watching you sling
tornadoes at elves.
CLARA: God, nag, nag, nag.
When did you become such a stick in the mud?
GEORGE: Stick in the mud?
CLARA: Yeah.
When was the last time we woke up in some strange hotel
asking, where are we?
What state are we in?
What concert were we just at?
GEORGE: Is that what you think I've become?
CLARA: Yeah.
And while we're at it, let's talk about
your cell phone holster.
It's so dorky.
NIK: The lady has a point.
CLARA: Thank you.
CODEX: Ugh, you're so dodgy.
I can never get close to you.
Wow, this game is such a metaphor for life.
Tink, I want you to know that whatever happens, we really
did miss you.
TINKERBALLA: Why do you always have to be so nice?
I'm stabbing you.
God, I hate you sometimes.
BRUISER: No, no, no!
No, no! (SHOUTING) What the [BLEEP]?
ZABOO: Eat that, biceps.
Clara, I'm coming to you.
Hold on, all right?
Damn, it feels good to be Zaboo again.
Confident, crush my opponents with class and justice.
I'm the George Clooney of RPGs.
GEORGE: I'll show you I can take risks.
Move over.
NIK: No one use those spells with your class.
It's sheer idiocy.
GEORGE: Sheer idiocy is my gaming specialty.
CLARA: Oh my gosh, guildies!
Wiggly just took out the ringer guy!
He's not a noob anymore.
FAWKES: He what?
Anarchists, waste that guy.
CLARA: Oops.
VENOM: It feels so good to die.
ZABOO: Aha, who's next?
I got my Zab back.

RILEY: Someone forgot that I like an
afternoon foot massage.
ZABOO: Full season download.
Suck it, loser.

Well, cry or something.
Looks like it's two against one.
Knights of Good are toast.
CLARA: Codex, awesome.
You guys?
Who woulda thunk?
Codex is the last one standing.
CODEX: Wait a minute.
You know when rabbits or squirrels or other prey-like
animals are in danger, and they freeze but inside you
know they're totally freaked out, ready to dart at any
moment or their little hearts will self-implode?
That's what I was feeling when I realized that I was the only
one left in that fight.
I mean, how could life let that happen to me?
Please, life, don't do me any favors.
I don't ever want to be the key to anything.

CLARA: We got Codex, yes we do.
We've got Codex, smell our poo.
CODEX: I can do this.
I can do this.
Oh, god, please don't make me do this.

RILEY: Zaboo, my toes are still unstimulated.
ZABOO: No, Riley.
Look, you got me killed and now the guild's gonna lose.
CODEX: Thanks, Zaboo.
RILEY: Oh, raising your voice to me.
You just earned yourself a night locked
in the clothes dryer.
ZABOO: Been there.
Not doing it again.
I'm gonna be a man now and do what I should have
done a long time ago.
Check my tweet.
RILEY: What?
You're breaking up with me?
CODEX: Guys, make important life decisions later.
FAWKES: Did you mean to run into the tip of
my sword like that?
BLADEZZ: Codex, a monkey could see you should have summoned a
Divine Herald there.
What are you doing?
TINKERBALLA: You're the monkey boy.
Why they kept you in the guild is a mystery to the world.
BLADEZZ: The only mystery here is titled The Case of the
Asian Wallet Succubus.
VORK (SHOUTING): Inside voices for Codex!
CODEX: Vork!
CLARA: Well, I can't believe you're making
me quit after this.
Why do you hate the game so much?
GEORGE: I don't hate the game.
I do take offense to you kissing another man.
CLARA: That.
You dredge up the oldest things.
GEORGE: When are you going to grow up?
We have three children now.
Why do I feel like sometimes it's four?
CLARA: Maybe because I'm pregnant.
GEORGE: (SHRIEKING) You're what?
CODEX: Everyone shut up!
Oh my god.
One hit point.
VORK: She's flat-lining.
Hold on, Codex!
BLADEZZ: Come on, Codex!

VORK: Hold on!

AVATAR: Cyd Sherman, what is your problem?
CODEX: Other than talking to my own face?
Oh, man.
I've lost it.
Thank goodness I don't have any pets to leave behind.
AVATAR: You're moving me like a total spaz.
Stop playing me like I'm you.
CODEX: I am you.
You wish.
Tell me, who am I?
CODEX: My fairy godself?
AVATAR: I'm who you are in-game, who you want to be.
Confident, in charge, naturally wavy here.
You're playing me like I'm Cyd--
twitchy, self-conscious [INAUDIBLE] pimple.
CODEX: Hey, that has nothing to do with gaming.
AVATAR: Just relax and be me for a minute.
Reality is kicking your ass right now.
Be Codex.
I can do that.
I guess.
AVATAR: Oh, and don't count on this ever happening again.
I kind of glossed over it, but-- (WHISPER) You're pretty
close to insanity right now.

CODEX: I'm back.
Shield, heal, spam heal, shield.
My hair is naturally wavy.
RILEY: Oh no, no, no, no, no. no.
No one breaks up with me.
I do the breaking.
Hearts, limbs, and not on Twitter!
ZABOO: Yeah, well, I thought 140 characters was enough.
Hashtag sweet burns.
VENOM: What the?


CODEX: I'm owning this feeling.
I am a holy goddess.
BLADEZZ: You're a holy freak show.
CODEX: OK, Bladezz.
I'm going to confidently lay this on the table.
The only reason we're even here right now is because you
and Tink were acting like total jerks.
VORK: Well said, Codex.
CODEX: And you, you should have done something when the
guild started falling apart, but all you've been doing is
whining and wandering around in your creepy-ass van.
VORK: I acknowledge your point.
I apologize.
CODEX: Thank you.
Bladezz, your turn.
No way.
She broke my heart.
She made me get a job.
TINKERBALLA: If you liked me so much, how
could you destroy me?
BLADEZZ: I'm a man of impulse.
I don't think crap through.
CODEX: Bladezz, just do it.
I'll bite.
I'm kind of sorry too, so let's move on.
VORK: I'm glad we solved that.
VORK: As it should be.
FAWKES: Stop with the advice column bull-[BLEEP]
and finish her off.
I'm getting eaten away with dots over here.
BRUISER: Tainterballa has her jaws flapping and
her hand up her ass.
TINKERBALLA: Did you just call me a taint?
It's what we call you behind your back.

TINKERBALLA: I didn't think this was possible, but you
guys are too douchey for me.
Codex, take me down.

FAWKES: What the [BLEEP], Tink?
TINKERBALLA: Like you always say, it's anarchy.

VENOM: That was a hell of a long kiss.
Tasted like chaos.
RILEY: I'm kick-banning this twerp and moving on.
VENOM: Venom.
ZABOO: OK, all right.
That did not emasculate me one bit, ladies.
Down boy!
VORK: I think the Knights of Good are good again.
Nice job, Codex.
Now strip the skin off his face.
CODEX: Crit.
Trinket crit.
FAWKES: Are you skull-[BLEEP]
me right now?
You must be skull-[BLEEP]
me right now, because I can feel it right
here in this eye socket.
CODEX: Oh my god, I did it.
We won.
We really won!
ZABOO: Yeah!
What's happening?
CODEX: I owned him.
I'm sorry.
But, uh, no.
You know what?
I am not sorry.
I am confident.
That you ate it.
VORK: I assume your guild will honor the agreement that we
agreed upon?
Our guild has been tainted enough.

Anarchists, game over.

VORK: Everyone has to have a taint.
It's anatomically required.
So we rejoice in the presence of our taint.
Tink, welcome back.
Knights of Good?
Let's load up and head out.
We have an expansion to play.
GEORGE: Clara.
Are you serious?
We;re having another baby?
CLARA: Well, see, at first it was a game to see how big my
boobs would get until you noticed.
You know, soon they'll be playing out to here.
Or not, 'cause I'm quitting.
GEORGE: I'm not going to make you quit.
I just don't want it to be an excuse not to
spend time with me.
CLARA: Well, we can still play together.
And I'll get little laptop for the kids--
GEORGE: Not gonna happen.
BRUISER: Even though I was trying to destroy you by
banging her, I really like your mom.
Is it OK if I still date her.
BLADEZZ: Get those charges dropped.
Then I'll play it up a bit.
I'll say how nice it is to have a father figure around,
or some crap like that.
BRUISER: You know what?
Maybe we are kind of equals.
In your [BLEEP]

CODEX: Hey, Tink.
Hey, I just wanted to say that after that fight, I feel like
I can relate to what happened to you more.
I mean, you really connected with your avatar, right?
Maybe even talk to her?
TINKERBALLA: Talk to who?
CODEX: Your avatar?
TINKERBALLA: Codex, it's just a game.
CODEX: Right.
NIK; Nice work back there.
For a girl, you're not a bad player.
Well, thank you.
You know, you play something 8 hours a day,
you can't help but--

ZABOO: Did he just grab your boob?
ZABOO: Are you letting people do that now, or?
ZABOO: High five!
Hey, I know you don't want to do me, and that's cool.
Actually, Riley kind of put me off women for quite some time.
CODEX: Well, I'm glad you realized she
wasn't good for you.
Didn't want to have to rescue you again.
ZABOO: Rescue me?
CODEX: Really?
I'll leave you a few ego chunks.
ZABOO: Oh, hey.
That's the first time you've smiled at me without looking
like you were passing gas.
But you did it!
We won, right?
FAWKES: I'm spanked.
You got me.
You, me, drinks, 8:00 PM, Renata's.
I'll see you there.
ZABOO: You're going out with that guy?
Absolutely not.