Malviviendo 1x08 - No girls

Previously on Malviviendo...
..the best sex in my life.
A face like fucking Ronaldinho.
- What's up with him? - He's in love with a beast.
Go fuck yourself, Negro. You're a pair of retards.
Man, are you the guy dating that ugly beast?
- What? - Fuck man, doesn't it make you sick?
Erm, it's not what it looks like. It was a erm...
He isolated himself as a kid, trapped in his own imagination.
He even had an imaginary friend.
A black kid called Will.
Yeah nigger, you're fucking ace bro!
"Fatty Ramon" is our contact in town.
The largest grass producer...
Gents, I'm going for a piss.
I'm going to fucking shoot you. Fuckers!
After all that I needed a Sunday off.
I met Khaki at the riding school.
Shit, I had only used it once.
Don't get me wrong, it's like any other park, but with a show.
We debate moves from the stands.
In that position you can use the gear stick too.
But surely that's the mudflap position!
You can do that if you're a small guy.
Imagine Fat Ramon doing that.
He'd need a Hummer!
- Rumour says a Twingo would do fine now. - And you expect me to know?
I've hidden for three months thanks to you.
They say he's lost over 50 kilos since we last saw him.
He's fucking a lot, right? He probably got a teen.
Don't you know the legend either?
I can't believe he's a dolly, that he likes guys.
No, how I can I put it?
There's no pot big enough for his root.
- What? - His banana's too big for the fruit bowl.
Look, don't start with that.
I know you're a guy who reads and studies a lot.
But speak to me in Spanish, not about roots and bananas and all that shit...
..enough onomatapoeias, man.
He has a gigantic cock and he needs a vagina the size of a cow's.
Fuck, there's no way to be subtle here.
So when fatty was fat, he could see his dick, right?
- Very subtle. - I don't believe that.
I think he spends more in brothels than in weight-watchers.
Look who it is.
Fucking poor effort, Lefty.
Sad, isn't it? Bringing a girl to fuck here.
We're sad, coming here with no girl and no car.
Fuck man, you got me bad.
I don't care, soon I'll be unconscious.
I'm going to see the girl.
Listen, does your mobile take photos?
So take a photo, then give me the film and I'll develop it.
Oh yes.
Go on all fours, you minx.
You're filthy. Take your glasses off, bitch.
Fuck! My eyes, my eyes.
My eyes!
Fuck, what are you doing here.
Lefty, are you ok? What the fuck was that?
That's Monica.
- I know she's not very pretty ,but... - Fuck
Ok, she's an ork, she's rancid.
- But something's wrong with me. - Godzilla!
Lefty, some beast escaped from your car.
What the fuck have you done?
We exorcised you.
As I once told you, Lefty was a quiet and lonely boy.
But a still a boy.
A boy who liked drawing, colouring in, cutting and pasting.
Although always the same things - strange sinister black triangles.
You're a crazy kid.
Go to the head teacher's office.
This obsession brought his teachers and family together.
He'd gone from lonely to worrying, from weird to crazy.
Ok, Raul.
I'm not telling you off.
I'm just concerned.
We're all very worried about you.
You're a bright kid.
A bit absentminded, but bright.
Since you started with these weird pictures...
..you're obsessed, in another world.
Your father says the walls in your room are covered in black triangles.
All your jotters, all your textbooks...
..you even graffiti the school walls.
I want to help you, Raul.
Tell me...
..what are these pictures?
Is it something bad?
What are these black triangles?
Do you see dead people?
Raul, tell me what it means.
What the fuck is it?
He wasn't far off the mark.
It started a few months earlier. Lefty was almost normal.
He did the almost normal stuff kids do.
Dude, let's hide under the bed and suck Barbie's tits.
But his internal world was much bigger than the other boys'.
He liked noticing details in his own way, which enlarged the universe he lived in.
To learn from the hidden gems in life.
Autumn's first fallen leaf.
The exact moment that dad lost consciousness.
The animals scampering about the house.
The steam clouding the mirror whilst his sister showered.
But just one moment changed all of that.
- It's for me! - There it was.
That disturbing black triangle.
The furry fashion of the 80's.
EPISODE 8 "NO GIRLS"
The triangle never left him. He couldn't sleep and had problems.
However, the worst thing was when it ate his best, and only, friend.
Don't worry, it's all in your mind.
That killed a chunk of his world, and it was time to react.
Over here.
He became more sociable, and he played games he never had before
You have to kiss me.
It could have been his first kiss, but his missed.
As you know, he's always been clumsy.
He could have left girls then.
To become solitary again.
But an angel saved him.
A huge angel called Fanny.
Since then a form of romantic Stockholm Syndrome...
..meant he's always liked 'special' girls.
You know what I mean.
Hello, Lefty.
Hungry?
There's not much in the fridge.
I was going to go shopping this evening...
..but, well you know, I mainlined.
Oh, what's that?
That's Yoli
Oh, it's female.
Come here, pretty.
She's big, like a mastiff.
What? I'm taking her to the dance.
Really?
- Hello, sir. - Shit, fuck.
Get out, get out.
Have this ball.
I'm going to tap that tonight!
Raul, come here.
I have to speak with you.
Are you some kind of pervert?
Do you like riding mutated animals?
Or is it that you wank whilst shitting?
- What? Are you high? - Yes.
It's how I see things with clarity.
You remind me of myself when I was young, strong, tall...
..a stud!
You deserve one of Charlie's angels, not a lizzard from V.
- What? - Like that.
You know I always give good advice.
Kid, you're thick!
If you need to steal a bag don't choose an athlete.
Take it from an old woman who can't run and catch you.
I'll keep it for that.
Raul, you're getting big for school now.
It's time to learn the street.
It's time for you to read this scientific magazine.
Listen, Raul, taking drugs is fun.
Taking them and selling them is really clever.
But if you sell without taking them, then that's fucking tops!
Always keep that in your head.
The women in your life...
..don't need one, two or three, but three important qualities.
They need to be shorter than you...
..stupider than you, that's tricky...
..and, most importantly, have less facial hair.
But I like Yoli. Didn't you ser her tits?
They're just tits, they're just left over armpit fat.
Look.
That's a woman. Look at her.
She doesn't turn you on?
She doesn't make you want to... ..suck the paper?
Aren't her legs too long?
Lefty.
I mean Raul.
I think the time is here.
A few years ago, I decided to... ..to take you off the street.
To save your life. To make you a man.
And ... I've done what I can.
I'm actually quite proud.
But I still need to give you one lesson.
Come here. Have a seat.
Something that touches on everything I taught you.
It'll teach you to fly high and to be successful.
So this is...
..goodbye?
It's a see you never, buddy.
And you, get lost you fucking monster.
Or I'll smash your fucking ugly face in.
Get out of here.
- You motherfucker. - And don't go near Raul again.
He doesn't deserve such trash.
Good luck, kid.
Lefty never saw Cuervo again, but he learnt the lesson.
It was his graduation diploma, in street-rat studies.
In real life you can't even trust your father figure.
That was a big change for much of his life.
He moved with his sister, and worked close to home.
- Just outside. - So it's you that deals now, right?
- Of course. - So give me five euros of...
..your tastiest grass.
- Grass, right? - The good stuff.
- Here you go. - Here's the cash.
- Bye. - See you, champ.
About his taste in women, well things improved.
He did better, and they became more normal.
Well, at least they were symetrical.
Although they all had something weird that appealed to his taste.
But despite that, lots of us were still jealous of his success.
Lots of us would swap places.
However, he wasn't really like that, and he wasn't actually happy at all.
I don't like where you parked, hey Lefty. It would stand out less in this scrappy.
The thing is, Lefty, I wasn't expecting that.
It was just a shock, you know?
What I mean is don't be mad, man.
A woman can't define you.
You should walk before you run.
- What? - Not you, you cunt bubble.
Remember when you left us for that oriental artist? The mad bitch.
You don't fill me any more.
This life isn't enough. I need new paths and horizons.
Peace.
For a charlie, he's leaving for a charlie! Fuck man. Lucky I didn't bring my knife.
Bitch.
I don't remember those days, I was experimenting with acid.
So it doesn't count.
I don't have those problems. I've been faithfull to a blonde recently.
I don't get problems and she stays cool.
A luxury melon, good advice!
No, it's you who dresses up to get laid.
I like cutting myself and masturbating with a belt around my neck.
Shall we do it together?
Sorry, I'm a lesbian.
According to Rock Deluxe, this is in now, the "Got Speed You Black Pumps."
This one's great, Two hours, but just four tracks.
Check this treasure out.
The latest single from the "Planets."
We're friends. There's only one other copy.
You know Jay?
Jay? He's a friend from my childhood.
He sings like that thanks to me.
Open the window in the morning when you wake up...
What a nice day!
Lovely, when are we going to fuck?
We all have our techniques and qualities.
I dress up, Lefty has his look.
Sentry steals flowers.
You could play horsey.
I don't need to do any of that shit.
Caveman style, or what?
Not many gentlemen with a capital M remain - proper studs.
People like Sean Connery, Vinnie Jones, George Clooney, Luke Perry...
..Carl Winslow, John Travolta, Chuck Norris, Stephen Seagal.
- John Travolta? - Yeah, the Italian from the films.
- From Pulp Fiction? - No, the one from Grease.
- What's wrong with him? - I'm just surprised you know him.
And that you can pronounce it..
I was like him when I was young.
I was a tiger.
I was a great dancer, but not with a partner, that's for oafs.
I ruled the dancefloor.
Come on, don't be nervous. He's a teddy bear.
When I think of the Commander I don't exactly think about teddy bears.
Don't be stupid Miguel.
My dad loves me and wants me to be happy. If I want you, he'll like you.
- Daddy. - Margarita.
This is Miguel. I think he's in your squadron.
- Infantry? - Yes sir, Corporal Jerez.
At ease, kid. We aren't at work.
Come in.
We're going out, to watch a film.
Really, have a seat.
- Yes, sir! - Does he never relax?
Call me Frank.
- What film are you going to? - Erm, Terminator II.
I'm getting changed, five minutes.
You have a beautiful daughter, Frank.
Frankie?
Francis?
Sir?
- Do you like Cuba, Jerez? - Sir? I like, I liked your daughter.
But I never touched her, I promise.
Oh, thanks sir.
They're Cuban, the same as Castro smokes.
Rolled in the huge moist black thighs of huge black women...
..that struggle to survive.
But they still all have huge asses, right?
Born out of poverty but reserved for a lucky few.
It's almost an insult that you've got one.
A real jewel.
So, thank you then, sir.
Sometimes it's nice to give wheat to the chaff.
You feel good.
Like helping blind people cross the road. Or giving a tramp cash he doesn't deserve.
Look at this, what do you think it is?
It looks like a bottle.
Yes. A bottle with no label.
Anything could be inside.
Wine. Liqueur. Petrol.
But it doesn't look valuable.
It just happens to be the best year, of what I believe is the best wine ever.
There are so few bottles.
I mean, so few palates that deserve to taste it.
That there is no way I would give you a glass.
I understand, sir.
No, son, you don't get it.
Merche!
- Yes darling. - Give me your ring.
Look, this is a diamond.
Only three people can have a diamond.
Kings... princesses...
..and fucking theives.
If you had to get one, how would you do it?
That's what I thought.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Are you selling something, sir?
I want you to understand that you don't come close to deserving Margarita.
Forget her.
Forget her, or I'll destroy your life as easily as I scratch my balls.
I'll rip your head off and spit in the hole. I'll pull your spine out your ass.
I think I'm talking your language now.
You should get me.
I think so, sir.
Margarita is a diamond.
You, are simply...
..a big juicy steaming pile of shit in human form.
- What are you talking about? - Hi honey.
About James Cameron.
- Really? Are you getting on well? - Yeah, great.
He's a great kid. He didn't want wine.
Great. I'm almost ready.
All done!
She's always been good at these things.
- Especially stitching the cross. - Ready
- What do you think? - Very pretty.
I'll get my bag and we can go.
- What a queer. - Queer?
If I wanted I could have killed him with one of my ball hairs.
He was my Colonel.
You don't understand respect? Discipline?
Anyway, when did you get here?
The bit where you were sodomising the Vietnamese teen.
You idiot, I...
I hope you fall asleep next to a cliff.
What's with your voice?
Anyway, Lefty...
..women are like lightbulbs. They should be hung up and lit.
But what's up, I don't get it.
Lefty's got problems with his chick.
Oh, the one that...
I tell you what, Lefty. Girls are all complicated.
Especially yours!
Girls can be complicated.
But the girls Sentry likes are even worse.
I don't know if you get it
My boyfriend will fuck you up.
I call them Sentry girls.
Do you know what I feel like?
Tell me, beautiful.
Cocaine for my nose.
A double barrelled hit of some grade-A coke.
Who's got cocaine for me?
Who wants to give me some good coke? Who?
Each to their own, right?
- That could be it. - You're saying there's no perfect girl?
I think we each have a perfect woman.
I met mine.
Blanca.
For one euro please.
I don't have change.
Well a cigarette? Or how about a kiss?
That was amazing.
Really, this caravan...
..is fucking amazing.
But it's missing a feminine touch.
Like those curtains, are they your granny's?
We could consider living together.
But we'd need to leave the caravan...
..and you'd need to find...
..a normal job, that's stable, you know.
We could go shopping together too.
And, I don't know, I could get you...
..clothes... jeans without holes in...
Forget what I said.
There isn't a perfect woman.
That's what I thought. The perfect woman would be pretty...
..great in bed, didn't cause problems and didn't ask for responsibility.
50 euros please.
- What's up guys. - Hey chick.
I was working, and I heard you talking.
By the way, I've never heard such a load of shit in my life.
You know nothing about women.
But you do? If you're so clever, give us classes.
No chance. It's great for us that you're still all so stupid.
But I've got a few secrets just for you.
Leave me alone, I told you a thousand times.
Come on, you're the thorn in my side, the only one to resist me.
Literally.
Every man in the Banderilleros area has passed through Mamen Requena's bed.
The strange thing is that happened before she thought of prostitution.
Everyone apart from Khaki. And that annoys her.
It was her who introduced us to Veronica.
- It's free, man. - I'll take his place.
- No! - Easy, man.
You really turn me on.
One day, big-boy.
One day.
Ok, the cigarette break's over. I'm going to work.
- That's it, go flash your vagina around. - I'll try.
Stud.
Lefty, do you like her?
- Yes. - So, don't listen to these pricks then.
She's really hot Khaki.
- Don't you like her? - That's not it.
Nothing works down here, right?
Private Johnson works better than your brain.
If you say something like that again I'll tear your balls off, motherfucker!
Take it easy, man.
Soft-cock!
Three points, buddy.
Let's go.
Khaki, I didn't want to bring it up, but now I know it works...
Why don't you use it?
I don't want a hooker to take my cherry.
What? You mean that you... ..you never...?
I'm waiting for someone special, ok?
Well I've learnt a lot.
And none of it's good.
Who's advising me, you?
A thirty-something virgin!
Or you? Who can't even last a day with a girl.
Or Sentry? Who only likes crazy bitches.
You're just as shit as me.
But with different flies.
I know Monica isn't very pretty.
She's not Cindy Crawford. But you guys aren't Kevin Kostner either.
And what's important is what I feel.
And what I think.
If I think she's right?
Why's that?
Because she makes me happy.
That's what's important. And that's the truth.
Fuck, Lefty.
You're right.
We're shit.
Now we get it, man.
You know what you've got to do!
Don't make her wait. Go get her.
What is this, a romantic comedy?
I hope she takes it from behind.
Well, look who I found.
I knew I'd find a pack of rats somewhere close to Lefty's car. Fuckers.
Hey Ramon, what's up?
What's up, Negro? I've spent nearly a year looking for you.
I've lost money, friends and kilos, but I had to find you.
Shit, you look slim man!
You need a new nickname.
"Slim Ramon."
- How original. - Shut up.
Now tell me where Lefty is.
Either the bitch pays me, I'm sure he can't...
..or I'll shot him in the head, which I prefer.
Bullshit, asshole. You'll get nothing from me.
I've been tortured before. I'm not scared of dying.
Come on, shoot. Shoot!
Wait, Ramon. He wants to say that we know we screwed you...
..and we owe you money.
We'll pay you, but... ..well, how's this year's harvest?
- Fucking spot on. - Shut up.
We'll work to pay you, but we wont say where Lefty is.
For the first time, he's almost happy.
- Anal beads? - No, Ramon.
- He's in love. - Shut up, man. You talk a lot.
Don't tell these guys.
Holy shit!
The thing is, I don't know what that is. No girls want me.
I wish I had a woman to cook, to clean...
But no way. The only women in my life have been my mum and my mary-jane.
Respect yourself, Ramon.
You're friendly, rich, and now you're even slim.
But I have a problem.
- Is the rumour true? - About the huge cock?
- Do you know Concha? - What? Who?
The only girl he's slept with. He paralysed her bottom half.
There's no woman for me, they can't handle my third leg.
I want someone to talk with, that I have something in common with.
Hey, Negro. Where are the €120 you owe me?
If you wont pay you can move away...
Each guy really does have a perfect woman, waiting somewhere you don't expect.
Who could be better for him than Barbara?
Love is in the air, and it smells of grass.
- Hello, Lefty. - Bill?
It's been a while.
I just want to give you one piece of advice, brother.
When it comes to pussy, I'm the fucking king,
the king of babies.
Any problems, don't listen to your...
Listen to your heads.
Use the top one, but really listen to your beast, brother.
If they say the same, it's your girl, man.
If they don't, then she can get fucked.
You're right.
She's really, really ugly.
Ramon's still the same, this grass is amazing, man.
- What are you saying? - That, there.
The door's open, see?
You're getting old, you forgot.
I'd never forget something like that.
Let's go.
I knew this moment would come.
Take this, Negro.
Take it. Run.
Run!
I've been waiting ages for this, motherfucker.