Hunter S. Thompsons' Tales of the Swine Family HQ

Uploaded by amx360 on 06.06.2010

Sugarloaf key
Tales of the swine family
subtitle: Fuck these people
There's not much time to tell this story.
The sun will come up in two hours and I want to be gone by then
but will not be easy.
I have a whole roomful of weight to move out of this motel room by dawn and as
always there's nobody around to help.
One friend could make a big difference now but its four o'clock in the
morning and all descent people are in bed.
So much for friends
I'm sitting in a motel room on the edge of a private marina in the florida keys
It is room number 202 at Sugarloaf lodge to be exact
and I'm looking across the canal at the tall red white and blue Pepsicola machine in
front of the main marina building on the other side
the Pepsicola machine is the brightest thing in my universe right now it lights
at the gasoline dock and the big white ice lockers where the fishing guides will be
leaving from in two or three hours.
There are a dozen or so boats tied up around the canal mostly white Mako's
twenty two and twenty five footers, pure fishing boats, center consoles, most with
be white outboard engines- Johnson's and Evenrudes-
hundred seventy five - two hundred horsepower, white shrouds in the consoles to
keep saltwater fog off the dashboard equipment,
bait boxes floating off the stern resting easy in the water on the wet black
My own boat, a seventeen foot Mako with a big black Mercury engine on the back
is tied up about twenty feet in front of my typewriter
and I know the gas tank is full.
I filled up last night around seven o'clock in the evening and when they
asked me why I was gassing my boat up at the start of a bad moonless night I
said,"I might want to go to Cuba."
The fishhead woman laughed but I didn't.
I went back to mixing the oil one quart to twelve gallons- be careful
give the engine what it needs or whatever it wants for that matter
cause when you're out on the ocean at night
the engine is going to be your best friend.
Cuba's only ninety miles away and I think I could get to Havana on a night like
this a lot easier than I'm gonna get even ten miles away from a nightmare
situation I've got myself into in this place.
Sugarloaf Lodge as the fishing resort they say.
Just another place to stay in the keys that if you want to bring your boat and
get serious about the water.
Which is true as far as it goes.
This is a nice place-
sprawling two hundred acre complex with its own airstrip a twenty four-hour
liquor license sixty-five waterfront rooms of sixty five dollars a night-
its own grocery store and gas station-
a massive generator for electrical power-
and even its own water tank.
It is a completely self-contained community secure in every way from the storms of
the outside world,
and it is worth about twenty million dollars.
The owner's Lloyd Good, a one time District Attorney from Philadelphia who bought
the whole place on a whim about ten years ago and moved into a position of
considerable power in the low end of the florida keys
where there is basically no law at all that can't be broken
or bought
or at least casually ignored by the right people.
I'm a paying guest at Lloyd Good's motel and from my desk I can see his apartment
behind the general store about a hundred yards away from across the canal
and I know is sleeping heavily on a king-sized bed over there
with his wife Miriam
a fine and friendly woman about fifty years old was always been my friend.
She's been asleep since midnight
and she will wake up early
to supervise the breakfast shift at the restaurant.
Lloyd will wake up later
or at least you would on most days
but on this one I suspect
he will be an early riser.
It could happen at any moment in fact and that is why I want to get the story down
and get out of this place before dawn
because ugly things are about to happen.
There is a huge pigs head in Lloyd Good's toilet tonight. I put it there about
three hours ago just before he walked home from the bar.
The snout is poking straight-up and out of the family toilet and the pigs lips
are glistening with ruby red lipstick and the eyes of propped open
and the toilet bowl is filled with red commercial ketchup.
The first time anybody in that house goes into the bathroom and turns the light on,
I'm going to have to be very alert.
We will have serious action, hysteria, wild rage. I've seen a lot of hideous things
in my time but the sight of this eery white pigs head
and the white toilet bowl with its mouth covered with lipstick is dead gray eyes
looking straight up at me
or at any one else comes near that toilet
will live in my memory forever as one of the most generally hideous things that
I have ever seen.
The idea of waking up half drunk in the middle of the night and wandering into
your own bathroom and pissing distractedly into your own toilet and realizing after
not many seconds that there's something
basically wrong with the noise that normally happens when you piss into a
bowl full of water in the middle of the night
and feeling the splash of the warm urine on your knees because its bouncing off the
lipstick smeared mouth of the dead pigs head that's clogging up your toilet is
the bad thing to see when you're drunk-
and Lloyd
will see it soon.
He should have seen it a long time ago in fact but tonight he broke his normal routine
of relieving himself before falling into bed-
and at that point
the joke when out of control
I thought, "What have I done.
What if his wife wakes up first-
which she almost certainly will or maybe John the thirteen-year-old son will be
the first to visit the bathroom."
I wasn't counting on this.
My plan is turned weird on me and I have to flee. The things so ugly that I almost
got sick while I was putting the lipstick on it.
Now we all enjoy good humor but this is very far over the line.
We're not talking about jokes here we're talking about
Crazy Ugly-... Real malice- Terrible Shock and weeping for
a 50 year-old lady or a 13 year-old child. People screaming out of control
at a sight to vial to see.
Innocent people
crawling out of the bathroom on their knees and calling wildly
for help from the father-
and that evil drunken bastard is going to be jerked out of his sleep very soon by
the terrified screams of his loved ones
and when that happens
he's going to turn crazy and want to kill somebody or maybe send others to do it
and they'll come to
number 202.
My room is the only one with lights on tonight I'm still up
and I will be on the road very soon. I have a friend up the road on Ramrod key who will
take me and hide me for a while and my partner in the Gonzo salvage company will get
my boat out of the marina.
If we do it early enough
We'll hide it up there on the trailer court on similar
I just looked to my left
and I saw the curtains moving.
My sliding glass door is wide open
and he could jump me at any moment.
That's why I have this big gray flashlight sitting next to me on the desk.
It's a fully charged taser. A savage little tool capable of delivering a fifty
thousand volt wack on anybody who comes within eighteen feet
and I got the bugger primed.
Wappo! Fifty-thousand volts flopping around like a fish- eyes rolled back in his
head screeching helplessly and then taking another shock. The taser will
deliver five separate distinctly massive jolts once the barbs are fired into the
You can keep the buggers jumping around on the end of a little wire line for
almost an hour if the machine is fully charged.
I don't want to have to do it
The taser is a felony crime in some states and I'm not sure what it is now in Florida
but I know that anybody who comes to my door at this hour of the night will not have
good news for me
and they'll have to be shot was something.
I'm not a violent person but I know there's a time and place for everything
and this is unfortunately one of those times.
I sawed off the head of the pig around midnight.
Lloyd had it stored in the meat locker at the lodge planning to marinate for a big
barbecue for his friends on Sunday with the head is main piece of art.
I chopped it off with a meat saw in 45 seconds and it took about forty five more
to put the lipstick on.
The tube broke so I have to do it by hand rubbing a lump of red lipstick around
the dead things gums like I was waxing some kind of dummy.
And then
the head wouldn't sit right in the bowl so I have to jeck it up by the ears and
jam it back into proper position.
I also had to prop the eyes open
so that it'd be looking straight up at him.
All this talk about ninety more seconds, sneaking into his home in putting a pig's
head in his toilet. Okay. The jokes over now. I have to flee.
It's six twenty-five on a wet Thursday morning and I know that somebody over there
will be using the bathroom very soon. The time has come. I don't want to be around
when it happens despite a pressing deadline that will cost me a lot of money to miss.
And that bastard will not take this thing lightly. Besides I owe him three-thousand dollars
for my food and beverage bill for the past three months and he is worried about
getting the money.
I'm preparing to flee even now.
I told him that pig was going to be very expensive.
He and his boys put it in my bed the other night tied up in drugged and half hidden
under the covers so that I sat down on the bed right next to the beast and
began talking seriously on the telephone to my account was not amused when the thing
suddenly began moving and I said,"I'm sorry. I'll have to call you back. There's a pig
in my bed.
Which was true.
I calmed the beast down with a billy club and then hauled it up to the restaurant
and set it loose in the dining room at the peek at the dining hour.
People screamed and cursed me and ran around like rats while I was chopping
the pig loose.
Two the fishing guides cornered it and dragged it out to a van and then they slit its
throat the next day and hung it up to bleed and then they put the meat locker to a
cool off.
Now the moral of the story is never let strangers get their hands on the key to
your meat locker and also get out while you can.
Which I will have to do now.
The fat is in the fire.
The epilogue to the story is the boy found it when he woke up to go to school.
His mother heard him screaming on his way out of the house and then she saw it.
"Egod" she thought,
"what has he thrown up now?"
"I ate 3 or 4 valium" she said,"and then I called Ernie to take the thing away.
It was three-and-a-half hours before we can use the toilet. Lloyd didn't wake up
until noon and by the time we went to the bathroom the head was lying in the
And I was gone.
But I'm back now standing around the bar at night
and people are a lot nicer to me.
I buy drinks for woman put liters of Chivas Regal on my tab
and I may be here for a while.
March eighteenth
nineteen eighty-three