Never Mind the Buzzcocks S22E08 + ENG & RUS SUBS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Oh, well!
Very kind, very kind!
Hello, and welcome to the show. We've got some good news, people.
We have been mentioned in a newspaper. The Times, no less.
There's a bit of buzz around the office.
Former captain Bill Bailey talked about us and his time here. He said...
"I never, ever felt comfortable doing it." LAUGHTER
"I can't stand here with some gormless indie twerp
"humming the intro to In The Air Tonight to some daytime TV presenter." What about that?
We got mentioned in the Times! LAUGHTER
Humming the intros with some indie twerp to a TV nobody this week, it's guest captain Davina McCall.
CHEERING
Look at her! Look at her!
And on her team tonight...
As the winner winner of last year's Strictly Come Dancing, she waltzed her way into the nation's hearts.
Let's assume she won't sing her way out again. It's Alesha Dixon!
CHEERING
And he's the star of Britannia High, a show with an inspiring message -
if you show enough dedication,
you too can make a blatant rip-off of High School Musical. It's Mitch Hewer!
CHEERING
And on Phillip's team this evening.
# You make me feel like... # It's the lead singer of the Stereophonics.
They've got a best-of out, excellent news for someone like me
who accidentally hasn't bought any of their albums. It's Kelly Jones!
CHEERING
And, she's the star of E4's quirky new sketch show, Beehive.
Oh, come on, give it a chance. It's Barunka O'Shaughnessy!
CHEERING
Let's now applaud the teams. And Gok Wan, in case he changes his mind.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So we begin with What Have We Pixellated? Phill, Kelly and Barunka, look at this.
# Some of the things I wanna do... #
He's proved that no matter what everyone says about him he won't be defeated. Good for you, Craig.
And well done for bettering that awful David Bowie classic. LAUGHTER
# Some hot stuff, it's all that I need... #
That was Craig David with Hot Stuff, but what have we pixellated?
Is it Craig putting something in his mouth?
Go on. No, it's not, you can see it's not. LAUGHTER
It's a lady!
You can see it's a lady.
In a bikini. I think she's wearing a Santa beard and a Santa hat.
And a '70s bush.
LAUGHTER What? A '70s...
She's got a '70s pubic-hair bush.
LAUGHTER
Why is she in a Craig Davis video, though? Craig Davis? LAUGHTER
He's very talented, he does that very fast rapping.
Alesha, can you rap as fast as Craig David?
SHE RAPS NONSENSE No.
LAUGHTER What's it called, though? That quick rapping, is there a name for it?
Cwapping? Cwapping! Cwapping!
Cwapping?
Er, toasting, freestyling...
I think I prefer cwapping.
I do, actually, that's a good one.
Craig David is a good cwapper.
LAUGHTER
You and... No, I'm not a good cwapper.
Not many people can do it. You and him are almost the entire UK cwap scene.
What about Kelly Jones being here? Look, Kelly Jones from the Stereophonics.
CHEERING
That's something, isn't it?
I know you don't normally do too much TV. The only other shows you've done promoting your album
are E4 Stereophonics Waking You Up, MTV2 Stereophonics Greatest Hits, 4Music,
GMTV, a T4 special, Children In Need, Something For The Weekend and Strictly Come Dancing,
so... Hang on, hang on. You had Something For The Weekend, did you?
Yes, Something For The Weekend. That must have been a highlight.
It was, we had profiteroles on that.
Thank you for coming.
It's all right, I'm a promotional prostitute for one month only, and that's why I'm on this show.
Cheers. APPLAUSE
And also he gave up a slot on bid-up.tv so he could be here tonight with us.
LAUGHTER
So you've made us feel really special.
I've got the CD here and, you know, it's a best-of.
It celebrates ten years of Stereophonics.
Looking back, what have been the highlights, the real memories of this promotional campaign?
LAUGHTER Er...GMTV was all right. Really?
Yeah, free bacon rolls. LAUGHTER
Cup of coffee.
And the cameraman fell over.
LAUGHTER You did a performance?
No, we just mimed.
LAUGHTER
And sold loads of records off the back of it.
Do you know how many units you shift per TV show you do?
Thousands. I've got four houses.
We should say, in fairness, Kelly is here because he loves quizzes as well as money.
What have we pixellated? Sorry? Oh, God! LAUGHTER
It's a lady in a bikini with something on her head.
You need to be more specific than "something on her head".
What if it's Craig Davis?
Craig Davis in a bikini? Yeah.
It's Craig Davis in a bikini, Simon Amstell. With a Santa hat.
Well, I think it's a Santa hat, but you don't have to agree with me. I think it's a seagull's head.
What do you think it is on her head? Frying pan. There we go. LAUGHTER
Before your answer, what about a bit of this?
STEREOPHONICS: # I'm just lookin'...
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
# I'm not buyin'... #
Simon, that was a great song. What was it?
That was I'm Just Looking, or Buying, or something.
And remember, when you do go to the shop, don't just look, buy!
LAUGHTER
Your final answer, please. A woman in what sort of headgear? A Santa hat.
Let's see if you're right.
# Girl, I can't hope that
# Some hot stuff is all that I need... #
I'm afraid you're wrong. We pixellated a woman in a rabbit's head. And why not?
Craig David has always been careful to keep his sex life private.
He's presumably worried that one of his conquests might tell the papers
that he spiked her carrot and gave her myxomatosis.
We all know that Craig David sleeps with rabbits, right? That's known.
His girlfriend's stunning. Oh, yeah.
Thump 'er. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Davina, Alesha and Mitch, this is for you.
# I'm so forgetful, they callin' me cocky
# I come up out the jeweller, they callin' me Rocky... #
Whoa, there, Grandpa, let's not jump to conclusions, OK?
If you listen to the lyrics, you'll probably find this is
a commentary on the unfair distribution of wealth around the world.
I know, he's just the worst human ever.
Right. That was the delightful 50 Cent with I Get Money, but what have we pixellated?
I think he's knitting. Knitting?
Yes, knitting. A beanie. A beanie!
A beanie. A sort of... Kevlar bulletproof beanie. You know.
He's a show-off, so it has to be something expensive. Maybe diamonds... I wonder who Curtis is.
That's his real name.
Oh, is it? Yeah. LAUGHTER
How embarrassing, Davina. LAUGHTER
Alesha, are you a fan of 50 Cent?
Not really... I think he's awful!
Every single video they do looks exactly the same, the girl with the massive bum, massive breasts...
I quite like the girls with the massive bums. ..loads of jewellery, sunglasses, caps, always the same.
The women are good, though. The bum action is good. Big bums are good, right?
Yeah! Do you like big bums? I do like big bums.
Mitch was just waiting for a moment to say "the women are good".
"Can I just say... Women? Yes, please!"
Yeah. What about Alesha Dixon on the show?
CHEERING
So, how are you, Alesha? I'm really good.
Lovely to have you on the show. Thanks.
The winner of Strictly Come Dancing last year, of course, and now making a move into music. Interesting move.
Move INTO music? Or... I never moved out!
My fear is, you've played the reality-show card.
If it doesn't do well, what are you going to do? It's not about playing cards!
They'd have her in Celebrity Big Brother. Oh, no, I wouldn't do that. LAUGHTER
Mitch Hewer! Hi, Mitch Hewer! Hello. How are you, Mitch Hewer? I'm OK.
Mitch Hewer, formally of Skins fame, and now on Britannia High. Yes.
Now, you play the joker with a secret. Yeah. What is the secret?
The secret is, Danny's dyslexic. We have a clip.
OK. This is from the show Britannia High, where your character, Danny, who is dyslexic,
has had ENOUGH of being dyslexic
and just has to break into a little song and dance about it. LAUGHTER
# I
# I feel like something's broken, but
# I tried, tried
# A form of intervention
# There's a missing portion
# You used to like red but now you like blue
# You used to come to us and now you make us come to you... #
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Take that, dyslexia! LAUGHTER
We can't spell "chorus". Now we can!
Are you dyslexic in real life? I am a little bit, yeah. A little bit?
Yeah. So...you brought that to the role?
LAUGHTER Erm...
I don't know. It was...it was... you know, it was weird.
Simon! I'm only having a conversation, but...
it's hard, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
What have we pixellated?
A Rubik's Cube. A Rubik's Cube? Cos, look, it's a massive Rubik's Cube as it is.
I'm trying to see... Sometimes, with those things,
if you put your nose right on it and then you move away VERY slowly,
the shape suddenly... But I can never really get them, and...
What about if it's cheese? Cheese? You know, like Cheddar.
Oh, yeah. Well, I know cheese, yeah. Cheese. LAUGHTER
No, it's associated with money. It's something associated with money, right?
I reckon it's something... To do with money? But a metaphor for the money. Bread.
I've got my cheese and my bread. Cheese and bread!
Are they implying that he's holding a ploughman's lunch? LAUGHTER
He's not gonna be holding bread, I think he's holding money. Oh, God...
Bread or money? I need one.
Bread! Bread! You're saying bread. Let's see if you're right.
We pixellated a loaf of sliced white bread with money coming out of it.
You've got the point! DAVINA SCREAMS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The loaf of bread also contained cash, just in case you didn't get the metaphor.
LAUGHTER
Speaking of his feud with Oprah Winfrey, 50 Cent once said,
"She doesn't like hip-hop and I don't like people who don't like hip-hop."
The nearby Craig David commented, "Did somebody mention hopping?"
Next up it's the easily-offended intros rounds.
Phill and Kelly, here are yours for Barunka.
All right? Yeah.
Oh, before this song...
Go on. I've got an email in for Kelly.
This is from Kate from Widnes.
She asks, "Where can I buy the new Stereophonics album from?"
Widnes, you say, Simon. Yeah.
There are several great retail outlets in the Widnes area. Widnes has an excellent shopping mall. So...
Shops, Kate.
# Doof doosh doof doosh doof doosh
# Ba-dum ba-ba-ba-dum ba-dum-ba-dum
# Ba-ba-ba-dum ba-dum-ba-dum
Ready? # Ba-ba-ba-dum ba-dum-ba-dum
# Ba-ba-ba-dum ba-dum-ba-dum Ba-ba baaaa
# Ba-ba-ba-dum ba-dum-ba-dum Ba-ba-ba baaaa
# Ba-ba-ba-dum ba-dum-ba-dum Ba-ba-ba baaaa
# Ba-ba-ba-dum ba-dum-ba-dum... # Got it?
MUSIC: "Have A Nice Day" by Stereophonics
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I've no idea. It was nice, though. It was nice, wasn't it? Lovely.
Shall I pass it over?
Phil Collins? With?
# Su-susuddio. Davina's right. Here's how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: "Sussudio" by Phil Collins.
Let's have another song.
Here we go. Hang on a moment!
Got a letter from, er...
LAUGHTER
..Ben from Suffolk. Ben asks,
"I don't live near shops. Is there another way I could buy the new Stereophonics Best Of?
He could, er...download it. Down... So on the internet?
I think it is on iTunes, yeah. OK, great. So that's the internet, Ben.
Yeah, do it before Friday, right?
LAUGHTER
Charts. Charts. I thought he was due to exchange on another house!
LAUGHTER
OK. I'm gonna get this one. I am, I am.
One, two, three, four.
# Yi-di-di-dow-dow
# Baa-rrumpa-bow di-di-dow
# Yi-di-di-dow-dow di-ya-da-da-dow
God, I know what this is.
# Wadda-wadda-da-dow Wadda-wadda-da-dow
# BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW! #
You know it, don't you? You do.
If you don't have it, Davina has it. I don't know it. Davina?
It's Earth, Wind And Fire, another guilty pleasure, September.
Correct, here's how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire
Such a song. Shoulder pads, shoulder pads!
# Do you remember... #
So that was Earth, Wind and Fire with September.
Earth, Wind and Fire used to liven up stage performances with magic tricks.
That's nothing. At the end of Craig David shows, he pulls a rabbit...
Oh, that's the end of that one.
We also heard Sussudio by Phil Collins.
After the success of his song, Collins named his daughter's horse Sussudio.
What a terrible name. It's no wonder his daughter Easy Lover gets bullied.
LAUGHTER
Davina and Alesha, here are yours for Mitch Hewer from Britannia High.
Show me a little bit while you stand up. Shimmy, shimmy, might get us an extra point.
Look at that dress, look at that! I can see my face in your bottom.
LAUGHTER
Alesha, have you been watching this year's Strictly Come Dancing? Yes.
When you're on Strictly and you go backstage, and there's Tess Daly there and she asks about the scores,
does it matter to you that she's dead behind the eyes or not really?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Why are you clapping?
Don't you dare say anything about Bruce. Oh, no...
Bruce is more alive than her, that's why it's weird.
LAUGHTER
Ready? Yeah.
# Da-da-da-da der-der-da-daaaa-da Shhhhhh
# Da-da-da-da der-der-da-daaaa-da Shhhhhh
# Da-da-da-da-da-da Hey ya Arrrrgh
# Da-da-da-da der-der-da-daaaa-da Shhhhhh
# Da-da-da-da der-der-da-daaaa-da Shhhhhh
# Yeeee-haw
LAUGHTER
OK... No clues, Alesha Dixon!
I'm just dancing!
No dancing on THIS show.
LAUGHTER
Wanna Be Part Of Something by Michael Jackson. That'll do. Here's how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: "Wanna Be Startin' Something" by Michael Jackson.
They're dancing. They're dancing!
At the end of this song, it goes... # And you're a vegetable
# I'm a vegetable with blue eyes And I hate you
# Cos you're a vegetable. #
Honestly!
Craig David sometimes sings... # I've got vegetables... #
# I've got carrots...#
I heard for Comic Relief, you're going up a mountain... Let's see what you've got to say about this!
Yes, we're walking up Mount Kilimanjaro.
Is that with Gary Barlow? Yes. Amazing! Yes.
Not just Gary Barlow. Not just Gary.
Chris Moyles, Fearne Cotton, Ronan Keating, Cheryl Cole. It sounds awful.
LAUGHTER
Is it going to be that bad, or...
Apparently, the higher up the mountain you get...
The more chance of an avalanche?
LAUGHTER
If you ran into any difficulties halfway up the mountain,
you could kill Chris Moyles... And eat him.
No, just kill him.
LAUGHTER
I think it's a good group of people.
Good group, and all out of the country at the same time. Is there any way of locking the country?
LAUGHTER
Let's do another song.
Seven, eight.
# Na-na-na-na na-naaaa-na
# Na-naa na-naa
# Na-na-na-na na-naaaa-na Na-na-na-na na-naaaa. #
You've got to get it from just that.
# La-la-la-la-la-la
That's...
D'you need us to carry on? No, I think that's really easy.
So What. Is correct. Here's how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: "So What" by Pink
# I guess I just lost my husband I don't know where he went... # That was So What by Pink.
Pink recently became the face of an RSPCA campaign to encourage people to be kinder to animals.
Craig David was disappointed not to be asked...
LAUGHTER
..especially after setting up his own charity,
the International Federation for the Universal Care of Rabbits.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ha ha!
Now we come to What Person Goes With What Thing?
Phill, Kelly and Barunka, here are your people and things.
Your people are Gareth Gates...
P Diddy, Christina Aguilera,
and, of course, Madonna.
Their things are...
clowns, the dark...
..bats, and thunder.
What do you think is the relationship between these things?
There's that lovely boy standing in front of Mick Hucknall, and...
Then the man next to him in front of Jonathan Ross's work schedule.
It's fears, it's phobias.
It is phobias. But who goes with what phobia?
DAVINA: Alesha fancies you.
What's that? Who? Alesha? I just said Alesha fancies you.
Hang on, what about Alesha fancying Gareth Gates here?
What? It's about time you found love again, what about it?
What about him? He's not too chatty, is he the sort of guy you go for?
A guy standing up with his hands in his pockets?
He's cute. Cute, yeah? Yeah.
You're cute, but I don't wanna go out with you.
Well, that's very upsetting.
OK, not as a boyfriend, just sex.
You wrote a book about finding love or something. The Dating Game. I bought it.
I got nothing.
Nothing! Right. You have to decide which person goes with which thing.
The gentleman playing Puff Diddy, could you swap with Gareth Gates?
So you're in front of the clowns.
And could... Gareth is frightened of bats.
So swap with Christina. You know that for a fact?
I know two of them. So is Madonna more likely to be frightened of lightning or the dark?
Or trousers?
Why lightning? It's more thunder than lightning.
Thunder. That is the symbol for lightning, but it's hard to show thunder,
because it's a sound. I didn't know it was thunder. Of course,
Madonna and thunder! HE LAUGHS
And Englishmen.
Is that what you're going for? Yep. Yes.
Let's see if you're right. Can the line-up place themselves in the correct order.
All four right. All four. APPLAUSE
The correct order is P Diddy with clowns, Christina Aguilera sleeps with the light on,
Gareth Gates is afraid of bats and Madonna has brontophobia, a fear of thunder.
THUNDER CLAPS
However, her lookalike does not.
# I'm just looking... #
Terrified.
SHOUTS: It's out now!
So please join me in a round of applause for our people and things.
Their things!
Davina, Alesha and Mitch, here are your people and things.
Your people are Beth Ditto, Alice Cooper,
Beyonce Knowles, and Dane Bowers.
What?!
And their things are golf clubs... Yes.
A chess piece, gardening tools...
What? ..and Connect Four.
This is a really hard one. It's hobbies. Hobbies is correct, yeah.
Do they have Connect Four in America? I would think they do.
I would almost wager that it came from there.
Would that be right, Phill? That's right, Simon.
Connect Four was developed in 1967 by the Parker Games Company,
by an Alfred Jackson, an employee there since the late '40s.
Thanks, Phill!
DAVINA: He's encyclopaedic!
Am I going to have another baby?
I've been taken off the mains, but we'll have a go!
A lucky one could just bust through the knot.
So... I don't think Beyonce would do gardening.
I reckon Beth would play golf. Nah. No!
Dane's got a little... That's a sort of golfer's...
Who is Dane? Dane... Oh my God! I love it. See, he's only little.
To be so young to not know who Dane Bowers is, what a dream!
He went out with Jordan. That was... Everyone went out with Jordan.
Alesha, do you like chess? Yes, I like chess.
What's your favourite piece? The horse. You like the horse?
Yeah. The knight. Yeah.
Mitch, what's your favourite game? Um, Monopoly.
What's your favourite piece to play? Brrrm, the car. The car.
PHILL: Brrrm? Did you just say "Brrrm?"
Brrrrm! Brrrrm!
Brrm, the car. Not woof woof, the dog?
D'you know what? I feel that maybe
our team has had enough, enough abuse. OK, all right.
We feel, I feel the need to maybe turn the tables on you... Yeah.
..for a change, and potentially show something a little bit embarrassing about you.
Shall we have a look at that? No. Yes, let's have a look.
Simon, isn't it? Simon next. Simon, sorry. Simon.
AS DAME EDNA EVERAGE: Darlings! G'day, possums!
Should I say, "Good Morning"? AUDIENCE LAUGH AND WHOOP
I've been watching Good Morning for a long time now,
and you know my favourite bit, possums, my favourite bit, darlings,
is when Anne and Nick get together, cheek to cheek,
and they love each other, darlings, don't they?
And there they are, talking about a touch of love,
it's just so romantic, possums. HE RETCHES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks, Davina!
Even Anne and Nick looked embarrassed for me.
I was 12, and I had a mortgage to pay and kids to feed!
OK? Just in case one person watching might have thought I was cool.
My life has been destroyed, let's move on. OK, so...
We think golf for Dane, so Dane,
could you come and stand by the golf. Beth, go to Connect Four.
We think that Alice... Go on. Chess, Beyonce. Beyonce and chess.
You think Beyonce's chess? Alice and Beyonce, swap. Who do you think?
Yeah, I think you're right, babes. So we keep Beth with Connect Four?
OK, that is our definitive guess. OK, that's the order you're saying.
Let's see if you're right. Can the line-up place themselves in the correct order?
Oh, no!
No shit! Beth does gardening?! Oh, no!
You got none right. The correct order is Alice Cooper loves golf,
Dane Bowers is into chess, famously. Beth Ditto likes gardening
and Beyonce likes Connect Four, and once beat Kanye West nine times in a row!
Join me in a round of applause for our people and their things.
APPLAUSE
We end with Next Lines. Davina's team are in the lead.
What's wrong, Davina? I'm getting into the moment, I'm focussing.
When you say it, I'm trying to sing it.
It looks like you're upset about something. OK.
That's better, the old Tess Daly smile.
"Back to you, Bruce!"
Your time begins now. I'm coming up.
# So you better get this party started... #
Mitch is correct, yeah. Take that, dyslexia!
Calls diverted to answerphone, red wine bottle half the contents gone,
midnight return, jacuzzi on...
I know that song.
No, I do, I do, I do, I do! Go on.
Can you fill me in? Correct! Can you fill me in, Craig David.
I would've also accepted "hatch door open, lettuce leaves gone".
Does he wash up? He never wash up.
Alesha Dixon, The Boy Does Nothing.
Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up. No, he never cleans up.
Alesha Dixon, The Boy Does Nothing. Does he brush up? He never brushed up.
He never brushed up!
END OF ROUND JINGLE
We got good there, right? We got good.
Good news for you. You've got 12 points. Wicked!
You've got four points. So nine to win.
Nine to win. We can do this.
Your time begins now. Hey, Mr Tambourine Man.
Play a song for me. Correct, The Byrds.
What's your flavour?
Carrot.
Is it # Cherry, raspberry, all good things... #
Something like that, I don't know. Tell me, what's your flavour. Craig David.
The dirty rabbit-shagging bastard.
It only takes one tree. To make a thousand matches.
Correct, Stereophonics, A Thousand Trees. Is that on the Best Of?
It is, yeah. That's great.
They told me you missed school today.
STRAINED: # They told me you missed school today... #
Yeah, he... Uhhh... It's Rod Stewart, isn't it?
That's it! END OF ROUND JINGLE
Remember you can also purchase online.
So the end scores. Phill's team have 8 points, Davina's team lead with 12 points.
Yeah!
Thanks to Phill, Kelly and Barunka, Davina, Alesha and Mitch.
Before I go, I should respond to the following questions from Craig David's lawyers.
One, of course not, I made it up.
Two, well, I'm not sure it's technically possible, but I admit it's not very R&B.
And three, let me just have a look.
Yes, The Bartender And The Thief is on it.
Good night, everybody!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk