Talk Like a Pirate Day with Baratunde Thurston LIVE - 9/19/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 19.09.2012

Transcript:
[MUSIC PLAYING]

BETH HOYT: I got scurvy just for this episode, guys.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Ahoy, me parrots.
'Tis be Me Damn Channel Live and I be your host, Beth Hoyt.
Or as I be knownst among the pirates, Cap'n Jackie
Roughnight.
At least that's what ye old pirate-naming website told me.
What's your pirate name?
Tell Cap'n Roughnight in ye comments.
Um, you can go to that website.
Today as ye may have figured or known, it's Be Speak Like a
Pirate Day.
But I decided to just Be a Pirate Day.
And like any good pirate, I found me a prisoner.
Feast ye eyes on this yellow-bellied land lover.
I'm not going to talk pirate talk the whole time.
I'm not a method actor.
But I did use some pretty fancy sailors knots on Nate
over there.
You can't move at all, right, Nate?
You can't move at all.
NATE: No.
BETH HOYT: [SIGHS]
He still has to do his job, though.
But watch out, Nate, or you'll be walking the plank.
For real.
I--
I--
I rented a plank.
I'm taking this really seriously.
Somebody untie him.
He has to-- can you get back to work?
Just get him out of that.
Guys, this is very exciting.
Apple heard that we were doing a big pirate show today, and
they were kind enough to send over the latest, still
unreleased model of their most exciting new product to help
us celebrate.
I think you know the one I'm talking about.
Um, to tell us all about it is Apple's chief design engineer,
Sir Terry Jove.
SIR TERRY JOVE: Hello Beth.
BETH HOYT: OK, hi.
SIR TERRY JOVE: Welcome to the world of Apple.
BETH HOYT: OK--
OK.
Uh, welcome.
So Terry, can you tell us a little about-- about what
you've brought us?
SIR TERRY JOVE: What I have here today is the brand-new
iPatch from Apple.
Let's take a look.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
Wow, that's really beautiful.
SIR TERRY JOVE: It's the smallest, thinnest iPatch
we've ever made, and we're so excited to share it with you.
BETH HOYT: Wow, it's really--
SIR TERRY JOVE: When you first see the iPatch, it could not
be any simpler, OK?
We stripped away everything you don't need and left you
only with the thing you really want--
a patch for your eye.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, it's just funny--
SIR TERRY JOVE: This is also the smartest
iPatch we've ever made.
It is incredibly intuitive.
It actually knows where your eye is and will stay right
there, on top of it, patching.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
It's really small.
SIR TERRY JOVE: It's the smallest and thinnest--
BETH HOYT: It's really small--
SIR TERRY JOVE: --iPatch yet.
BETH HOYT: --on the eye.
OK.
SIR TERRY JOVE: It's the smallest
iPatch we've ever made.
It's incredibly small.
BETH HOYT: It sure is.
Thank you, Sir Terry Jove.
SIR TERRY JOVE: Welcome to the world of Apple.
BETH HOYT: Wow, you guys.
This is so exciting.
I can't wait to wear this around and make fun of all the
losers who are stuck with the old iPatch.
You guys, we're talking pirates today, but we're also
talking comedy.
We've got the author of the book How To Be
Black on the show.
Baratunde Thurston is here.
He'll be joining me in this captain's deck shortly.
So get in the chat.
Give us specific questions you have about being black, or
just questions about comedy, or politics, or life.
He's an expert on all those things.
Now before I put this-- um, I'm really
going to get this on.
But I want to take out my contacts so
I'm not seeing double.
I'm going to do this in private.
I'll see you guys in a minute.

-Great hair.
-Uh, Thanks.
-It looks silky as shit.
-Whatever.
-Is it real?
-What?
-What, did you buy it?
Is it a weave, horse hair?
Dumb, cheap hooker.
-Who are you?
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
DANNY TAMBERELLI: Hi, I'm Danny Tamberelli.
MIKE MORONNA: And I'm Mike Moronna.
DANNY TAMBERELLI: You're watching My Damn Channel.
MIKE MORONNA: Live.
DANNY TAMBERELLI: That's it.
MIKE MORONNA: That's it.
DANNY TAMBERELLI: Let's go.

BETH HOYT: Arr.
Hi, mateys.
I've gathered me loot.
That's pirate talk for haul.
But um, because I'm not a thief.
It's just sometimes you end up with things that other people,
like, left in your room.
We thought we'd take a look at the things I've pirated from
my family and friends and lovers over the years.
OK.
Oh, yes.
This is--
this is my ex-boyfriend's shirt.
Um--
so big.
He had to go, but his shirt had to stay.
So it's a good one.
Let's see.
Oh.
Oh yeah.
This is my sister's necklace.
I envied this necklace all through when I was young, and
I envied her.
And then she went away to college, and
she left this behind.
I missed her so much, but owning her necklace, it made
me feel closer to her.
Please, please don't tell her that it didn't get vacuumed,
uh, that fall.
That's a, that's a secret between you and me.
OK, let's see what else we got.
Oh yeah, these sunglasses.
OK, I didn't steal these.
They were left in my apartment after I had a birthday party.
Um, so maybe they were an unlabeled gift for me.
That's--
maybe they where.
But probably not maybe.
Oh.
OK.
Uh, honey packets.
I did steal some of these from a Starbucks.
I was going to a cottage for the weekend and there wasn't
any groceries.
I had a cold.
I needed the honey for my tea.
So I took a few honey packets.
And it was a-- it was a fancy friend person's cottage.
They had a fancy dog that pulled out one of the honey
packets from my purse and brought it back to the owner.
And they were like, he brought this from your purse.
And I was like, [SCOFFS]
you have a weird dog.
And then, like, every five minutes the dog would bring
out another, um, honey packet.
It turns out I'd taken a good handful.
Probably about 30 or something.
And at that point, I had to say, yeah, I,
I stole from Starbucks.
The shame I feel is overwhelming.
I learned my lesson.
Um, oh right.
This is memories.
OK.
This--
a few years ago, I stole this guy's heart.
Listen, we were young.
He was in love.
He'll recover.
These grow back, right?
So, uh, that's me loot.
When we come back, I have something for you.
I have to give after all that taking, right?
There is maybe a treasure hunt in the studio, and I need you
in the chat to figure out the clues.
So stick around.


[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Let's go!
Running in place!
Let's move it!
Move those legs!
Move those legs and keep your hands high!
Hands high, hands high, hands low, hands low!
[ARTILLERY FIRE]
-Die!

-Billy?
Billy?
Hang in there, Billy.
Hang in there!
-This game is awesome.
-No!
Please, God, Billy!
Ah!

BETH HOYT: Listen, Cap'n Roughnight might be wanted for
a condiment-packet theft, but she's also a giver.
Um, we've got a real treasure hunt live on the show right
now in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Are you ready to play?
OK.
We have buried treasure somewhere in our set.
And if you guys figure out the clues, we'll find it.
This fancy, authentic pirate parchment has our first clue,
telling us where in the set we need to look.
It's been wrapped up for centuries.
OK.
It reads, "We sail the sea from dawn til dusk, but the
next clue be hidden on land 'neath the tusk." Got that?
Let's read it again.
"We sail the sea from dawn til dusk, but the next clue be
hidden on land 'neath the tusk."
"'Neath the tusk." Hm.

What could that be?
Hm.
"'Neath
the tusk." Oh, look.
Someone has a guess.
Mways6, "The walrus!
The
walrus!" [GASPS]
I think that she's right, you guys.
Oh, look.
There's a clue.
OK.
There's our-- that's our second--
that's how it's going to work.
This one's going to be a little harder, I think.
The smaller the clue, the harder it is.
You know what they say.
"I protect ye ships from the perils of land.
Let me light ye path and put treasure in
hand." Got that, guys?
If you figure it out, tell us in the comments.
We'll check back in the next segment.
Hey, what's that book you're reading?
Uh, oh.
Is this-- this is How To Be Black.
I love this book.
OK, um, this is awesome.
Baratunde, the author, is going to be
here in just a second.
So send in your questions for him and stick around.


-Hey, man.
I had an accident.
In my head.
-Oh, wow.
-Can you please call 9-1-1 for me?
-Actually, check this out.
Hi, Scurry?
Please call 9-1-1.
-Calling Mom.
-No, not--
Call 9-1-1.
-Calling Mom now.
-No, no, no, no.
Call 9-1-1.
-Your eye is going numb.
-No.
9-1-1.
-Searching for "plums."
-Jesus Christ.
Just dial 9-1-1.
-Please hold.
-Do you believe this?
-Uh--
Hey.
How's my car doing, by the way?
-It's fine.
I just--
I'm losing a lot of blood.
-Hi, this is Scurry.
-Oh, Scurry.
-Unfortunately, I'm away from the phone right now.
-Son of a--
-I think I might pass out.
-Hey.
Could you just give me a minute?
-It's just--
-Scurry!
-Please remain calm.
-Please call 9-1-1.
-Requesting apology.
-Apology?
For what?
-Offensive tone.
Scurry insulted.
-Oh, my God.
-Maybe you should just apologize.
-No way.
Nope.
Not going to happen.
Sorry.
-Apology accepted.
-Wait.
No, no, no.
That apology was for him.
Not for you.
-Dialing 9-1-1.
-Cancel the call!
-Dialing 9-1-1.
-Cancel it!
-Canceling call.
-Finally!
Jesus!
Something goes right!
-Shit.
-You're next, Dean.
-What?
-Scurry self-destructing in five, four, three, two, one.

[EXPLOSION]
BETH HOYT: Hi, guys.
I've got Baratunde Thurston here.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: What's up?
What's up?
Hello, everybody.
BETH HOYT: Thank you so much for being here.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: You, and you--
BETH HOYT: --and all of you.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: You again.
BETH HOYT: Baratunde, you guys.
Comedian, loves technology.
Very good at technology.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Love it.
Drink it.
BETH HOYT: He loves politics.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yep.
BETH HOYT: He, you have to teach me how to do that.
He's the author of the hit book, How To Be Black.
He just launched a new website, Cultivated Wit.
And we're really thrilled to have you here.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I am thrilled to be here.
Thanks for having me.
BETH HOYT: OK.
You're joining us on Talk Like a Pirate Day,
which is why I'm--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, I don't believe in it, but,
that's cool.
BETH HOYT: --I look like Avril Lavigne.
But it's fine.
Um, but it feels super apropos to have your political and
comedic mind at our disposal, because today we're talking
all about, everyone's talking about America's most famous,
bumbling, corporate raider, Republican presidential
candidate, Mitt Romney.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Oh, yeah.
He is the best.
BETH HOYT: I bet when number 47 began this week, it didn't
realize it was going to be, like, a famous percentage.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: It's having the best week ever.
BETH HOYT: It sure-- it sure is.
Can you briefly explain what happened with the Romney
campaign this week?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
So basically Romney, uh, so many months ago, gave a
private fundraising talk.
I think it was in May.
And someone recorded it without his knowledge.
And he was really relaxed and comfortable.
It was actually the most comfortable I've ever seen
Mitt Romney.
He's usually pretty stilted and awkward.
And this was like his natural state of being.
And he goes on to describe his election strategy of
abandoning 47% of the country, saying they're going to vote
for the president no matter what.
They want government handouts.
And particularly, because they don't pay taxes, that he can't
convince them to take personal responsibility and care for
their lives.
So it's an interesting way to approach trying to be the
president of the whole country.
BETH HOYT: Sure, yeah.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: By ignoring about half of it.
BETH HOYT: Taking out half.
You know, so this is what he secretly believes.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: And not so secret anymore.
But it was-- it was a secret for a while until Mother Jones
put him on blast.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
Uh, we have a comment from YouTube.
Uh, wait a minute.
OK.
Rubyblushh.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: [LAUGHS]
BETH HOYT: "What is it like to be black?"
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Uh, Rubyblushh, with the extra H.
I guess that's extra H for "hot," which is just what it's
like to be black.
It's pretty hot.
Uh, it's amazing.
Sometimes it's "hot" in, like, a cool way.
Sometimes it's "hot" in, like, an "NYPD is stalking you" way.
But it's a unique and beautiful experience, and I
wouldn't want not be it.
BETH HOYT: All right.
You should also read his book.
I think that I got a nice description of-- you know, I'm
really far from understanding that.
And reading your book, I felt I was like, I get it know.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
No, definitely do that, buy it several times.
It'll make you less racist.
BETH HOYT: Yes.
Right?
OK, so back to the Mitt Romney thing.
Amazingly, once this scandal broke, just-- you guys, we
here at My Damn Channel Live got our crack team of
researchers on the case.
We poured over every statement he's made,
every talk he's given.
We even found previously unreleased audio from
closed-door meetings.
And we at My Damn Channel Live have brand-new,
earth-shattering revelations surrounding the beliefs of
Mitt Romney.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, it's pretty exciting.
BETH HOYT: Are you ready to make the front
page of Drudge Report?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I have wanted that my whole life.
Nothing more.
BETH HOYT: Gosh.
That's going to happen right now.
Let's do it.
MITT ROMNEY: Who let the dogs out?
Who, who?
I'm Mitt Romney and I approved this--
[VOICE WHISPERS]
--secret.
BETH HOYT: During a visit to the GM Auto Plant in July,
Romney was caught on tape explaining that a carpool is a
special pool at your mansion that's just for your
cars to swim in.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Oh.
Oh, Mittens.
Uh, also at a meet and greet luncheon last year, Mitt
Romney told a room full of Florida retirees that the only
way to legally obtain mustard is from
another man's limousine.
BETH HOYT: Oh, gosh.
During an off the record talk with BP executives following a
gulf oil spill, a confused Mitt Romney admitted that he
thought offshore drilling was a romantic
evening on his yacht.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: It makes me feel kind of bad.
BETH HOYT: It does.
That's a sad one.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: And after a recent 5K road race with his
vice-presidential candidate, Mitt Romney
believed Paul Ryan.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Poor dude.
BETH HOYT: To help a friend, but.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Finally, thanks to the video that came out this
week, Romney clearly believes that when you ask people to
turn off their cell phones and other recording devices, they
actually do.
MITT ROMNEY: Who let the dogs out?
Who, who?
I'm Mitt Romney and I approved this--
[VOICE WHISPERS]
--secret.
BETH HOYT: It's tough.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: It's kind of like Mitt Romney needs a
guy like Mitt Romney to turn around this
whole Mitt Romney situation.
He's, uh, he's having a tough, tough week.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS]
That's-- yes, that's exactly--
man.
We need-- he needs to clone that, you know?
It's like, we all feel his pain.
Everyone says things that they regret.
It's just that we're not all running for president.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: And he keeps doing it.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Like, most of us learn not to do it.
But he's like, I'm doubling down on incompetence.
Like, this is his thing now.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
And we're just--
we're just hanging out, mistaking the
wrong text, you know?
He's running for president.
All right.
We'll be right back.

-Darling, did you know we're live right now?
-I did.
It's fantastic, Jerry.
-You know what else is fantastic?
I had the boys in the back rig up this virtual sensor bar I
can throw across your mouth if you want to start swearing.
-Oh.
-What's your favorite cuss word?
-Well, f--
-I'm so sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.
DAVID REES: Hi.
My name is David Rees, and you're watching My Damn
Channel Live.

BETH HOYT: OK, we're back with Baratunde.
Man, after all that political satire, I needed a drink.
So I got us some, um, official pirate's grog.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
Grr.
Og.
BETH HOYT: Grog.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Grog.
Og.
BETH HOYT: Someone's not--
actually that--
I totally.
That's fine that you don't know what a
pirate cocktail is called.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, and I don't know how to actually
talk like one, either, because pirates are gone.
BETH HOYT: That's good.
I don't--
I--
I don't either.
I mean, I'm trying.
You just add the Rs.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
To a lot of things.
This is warm.
BETH HOYT: It's supposed to be warm.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: OK.
BETH HOYT: So grog is like-- it's like a warm mojito with
cinnamon sticks.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: You are not selling grog.
BETH HOYT: It for when you're like, I'm going to die on a
boat and the waves are lapping and you're, like, chilled to
the bone, and--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: So when your life is full of pain--
BETH HOYT: --blood is on your hands.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: --grog eases that.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, right?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: There's an ad for grog.
BETH HOYT: Maybe--
it's really strong.
Maybe because our lives aren't in pain, we don't-- it doesn't
taste good.
Maybe it tastes good--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I need a more forsaken existence.
BETH HOYT: --on a more really mournful day.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
And what?
The cinnamon in here is delicious.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: No, it's got, um, you
know, like an ode joy.
BETH HOYT: It does.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, it makes me feel better.
BETH HOYT: Uh, it's--
it's like, um--
I forgot what I was going to.
Oh, I was thinking, if you thought this didn't have ice
in it, it was just a cocktail we just, like,
put a lukewarm thing--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: That would be disgusting and not
impressive.
Do you have any other-- like, I don't believe in talking
like a pirate.
I just-- it kind of annoys me.
But I like the grog thing.
And, do you have like a name, or a hat, or a--?
BETH HOYT: I have-- that's really funny you asked that.
I have a--
I-- we looked up your pirate name.
I have a name tag.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: What did you find?
What am I?
BETH HOYT: Eye Gougin' Radley Drake.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yes.
I gouge eyes, people.
That's what I do when I'm a pirate on grog.
BETH HOYT: You're a badass pirate.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I'm on the grog, gouging eyes.
BETH HOYT: I'm just a slutty pirate.
I'm a roughnight.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Rough-- is that what "roughnight" means?
BETH HOYT: You know, it's--
I--
I don't know, I just went there.
That sounds like a badass name.
BETH HOYT: You're right.
Why did I go to that one?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I don't know why you did.
You've got to have more faith in your pirate skills.
BETH HOYT: [SIGHS]
We have a comment from YouTube.
This is from sillygrapez.
"What is that bracelet?"
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Mm.
This is my NikeFuel band.
And it keeps track of all my physical activities, steps,
calories, et cetera.
And then Nike made up a number, called Fuel, to get us
all to buy into the Nike ecosystem.
I fell for it.
So I have a daily goal of NikeFuel that I need to burn.
And it makes me feel better, uh, than other people.
BETH HOYT: 2012 is happening.
So does it really?
So let me see.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yes, so you press this button.
BETH HOYT: Oh, wow.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: And the time shows up.
I don't know if you guys can get in on that.
So this is my Fuel right now is, uh--
BETH HOYT: The future is happening right now, and I'm
dressed like a pirate.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: My goal is 4,000.
So it also talks to my friends who have-- like not
like the Kit car.
BETH HOYT: Your Nike-- the kind of people who--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: The people who are into Nike, uh, on my
Facebook feed and through some other apps.
So it compares us and pits us against one another.
It's like The Hunger Games bracelet.
BETH HOYT: Is it making you, like, work
out more or eat better?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
But what happens is that, honestly, it
turns over at midnight.
And so if I find myself short of my goal at midnight, I just
start doing things.
And so then you have this chart of your activity.
And so you often see these spikes at 11:55, because I'm
just like got to [GASP]
get my [GASP]
Fuel up.
So yeah.
BETH HOYT: Could you--?
Yeah.
That's amazing.
That's-- that's, great.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: And, uh, when and if you lose, like if
you're last on the list, then you die.
So it's a high-stakes environment.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
That really keeps you-- you know, you're like, should I
take the stairs?
And then you're like, ah.
And then that's a good tip.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: That's a good question.
BETH HOYT: We're going to be getting a lot more of your
comments in a-- in a second.
Yeah, that's a good question.
I have some questions.
I want to talk to you about your book, which I really
enjoyed reading.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: I understand from--
right away, I got that I can't learn how to be
black from this book.
It's not--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: It doesn't transform you.
BETH HOYT: --magic.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, it's definitely not magic.
Standard book technology.
BETH HOYT: What are your tips for the black audience?
Some quick tips.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Tips for the black audience?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
People that can't-- yeah.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: So here.
This is, for many black people, this will be a
refresher course.
Uh, and some, some advanced-level, you know,
techniques and learning.
And there's a lot of situational advice.
So there's chapters like how to be the black friend.
You know, if you find yourself being the black friend to a
bunch of white people, you have a lot of extra
responsibilities, and
opportunities, and some burdens.
And so I help you work through that.
Uh, how to be the angry negro lets you know when and how to
just lose your shit.
Uh, because sometimes you gotta do it.
Sometimes the racism just gets you so much, you want to just
bust out into kind of preacher mode and lecture everyone
around you, regardless of what they've done.
BETH HOYT: It's very good of you to take on
this task of just--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I'm a--
I'm a maker.
BETH HOYT: --organizing the roles, yeah.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I'm a giver, not a taker.
BETH HOYT: So you were so-- in this book you were talking
about how so excited you were, and really, really into the
Obama campaign 2008.
How are you this time around?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I--
I feel good.
And I think, you know, I went through a
lull like many people.
Where once you're actually president, you're less
impressive, because you just-- you mess up, right?
Like, you do things that a lot of people don't agree with.
Some things I don't agree with.
The Guantanamo thing, some human-rights stuff I'm not so
excited about, the Skynet levels of drone warfare don't
inspire me.
But a lot does.
And so, like, trying to equalize pay between men and
women with the Lilly Ledbetter Act, saving the auto industry.
There's some really cool stuff that this president can take
solid credit for.
And we're back into, you know, the hype zone.
It's pep rally time.
So I'm in it to win it.
BETH HOYT: Speaking of pep rallies, OK, ya'll.
So you claim that you're, like, a dancer.
I'm not going to fall into that white-girl trap of asking
you to dance.
I'm not doing that.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Good, because I-- you don't-- you'd
have to pay me.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I, I have cash on hand.
I'm a fucking pirate.
But um, I'm wondering what your song is?
Like, the go-to song that gets you pumped up.
Like, do you have one that, like, when that plays, it's
just like, I'm dancing?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: You know what?
Uh--
BETH HOYT: Mine really embarrassing.
Do you want to know what mine is?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, please.
BETH HOYT: It's Cher's "Do you Believe in Life After Love?" I
don't have any--
I have no excuse for this.
But I'm just laying the precedence that it can be
embarrassing.
It just happens.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: "Like a G6" really got
me going for a while.
And you know, "popping bottles in the ice." And then some new
Kanye tracks, both "Mercy" and "Click," which I basically run
on loop throughout my day to get things done.
BETH HOYT: To get your NikeFuel
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Get my Fuel up.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You're like, I need to put some Kanye on.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I don't want to die.
Like, I don't want to come in last.
BETH HOYT: I know, right?
I want you to, either.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Thank you.
So thank you, Kanye, thank you, uh--
who's the guy-- who are the people that do the "G6?" I
forgot their name.
They have a fun name.
YouTube knows.
Tell us.
BETH HOYT: Tell us, YouTube.
Yeah.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Um, so you being so into technology and being so
into politics, then they now aide each other so much with,
you know, with being able to tweet and--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, yeah.
There's a big merger of everything.
BETH HOYT: Did one come before the other, like
your real love for--?
Did they just happen to collide?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: The technology came early for me.
My mother, you know, she got us through--
I grew up in DC.
And a lot of the book is a memoir.
It's a comedic memoir, and so I talk a
little bit about this.
But essentially, she saw the future.
And she got my household, my sister, me, computers before
anybody else on the block.
So my love of tech came before my love of comedy.
It was a really serious kid.
Comedy came later.
BETH HOYT: I can kind of imagine that.
Um, we have a Twitter question.
And this is from, uh-
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Hello, Twitter.
--from Lalaontherun.
"Ask Baratunde what his fears and phobias are."
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Wow!
BETH HOYT: She's going right for it.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: She's going for the jugular.
BETH HOYT: Seriously.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Tell me your kryptonite.
BETH HOYT: So what are the things you're most scared of
in life, and um--?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Gosh, uh, heights.
You know, I had a long-time fear of heights as a sort of
practical matter.
I didn't like being in high places, whether on planes--
BETH HOYT: You said, "had?"
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I've gotten over it to some degree.
I don't-- you know, flying and me, we're cool.
I jumped out of a plane once--
BETH HOYT: Wow.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: --to try to, like, face
that fear head on.
BETH HOYT: Good for you.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: And it was, it was great.
It actually helped and it worked.
I just learned to breathe and relax into it, and tried to
see the upside, which is like, I'm doing magic right now.
BETH HOYT: This is kind of not supposed to be happening.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: The "I'm flying"
trumped the "Ahh!" part.
BETH HOYT: Did you have someone on your back?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, I did.
At first I thought that was like a metaphor for, like,
heroin addiction or something.
I was like, no, I didn't--
I wasn't addicted to any drugs.
BETH HOYT: No.
I mean that's--
I need to do that, too.
I have a fear--
I--
I recently developed a fear of heights.
And I--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: It came later?
BETH HOYT: All my fears have come recently.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: What's going on with you?
BETH HOYT: But I do need to jump out of a plane.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, do it.
It'll clear up a lot of-- change your priorities.
You know, it kind of kind of makes you know what's really
important in that moment.
Pull your rip cord.
BETH HOYT: Mm hm.
Did you do that on Fuel?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Uh, this is pre-Fuel.
BETH HOYT: What would've happened?
With your adrenaline, do you think that your--?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Well no, so this is a
motion-sensitive thing.
So it doesn't capture biking really well, because-- unless
you bike like this, which is a weird way to bike.
BETH HOYT: That's a weird way to do it.
We have another Twitter question
from, um, Chett Pease.
"I've got to give a speech in my class, do you think I can
get away with doing it in Pirate?"
BARATUNDE THURSTON: All right, all right.
Listen to me, Chett.
Talk Like A Pirate Day, I don't know who
started this thing.
I don't approve of this thing.
I would advise you strongly against doing an entire speech
like a pirate.
If you do it for a few seconds, then
there's some fun to it.
But if you go--
I mean, you're going to lose your audience.
Trust me.
Just don't--
BETH HOYT: Unless you're really--
I don't know.
What if, I mean, if the speech you have to give is like, you
don't have a passion about it, it's kind of a boring topic.
And then you do it in pirate, the whole
class could be like--
or whatever it is, could just be, like, awakened.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: I'm going to stick with don't do it.
Because that's just my opinion.
BETH HOYT: I'm, I'm in this costume and I've got a skull
on my belly, so I'm going to say, go for it.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Wow.
So now you have to choose between us.
And, uh, remember, if you don't follow my instructions,
you're racist, Chett.
That's how it works.
BETH HOYT: And, um, I'm just always right.
Next comment.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: We'll see.
BETH HOYT: Next comment's from ms123emma2.
"Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line
4."
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Oh, wow.
This is, like, a scavenger hunt theme.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Good job.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Page 18.
I really actually don't know what this is going to lead to.
And OK, page 9, 13, 15.
This is hard to find page 18.
Line four.
One, two, three, four.
Um, OK.
I found it.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Her instructions stop.
BETH HOYT: Should we--?
Yeah.
We got it.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: You've got to be clear.
I assume she wants me to read it.
So line three bleeds into four.
And this is from the chapter, Where Did You Get That Name?
"The person who called me Brad was engaged in the most lazy
and hilarious form of wishful thinking.
But all the others kind of sort of made some sense." That
doesn't make much sense out of context.
BETH HOYT: Right, especially when your name is Radley.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
So thank you.
But there is a chapter where I explain all the people who
jacked up my name over the years.
And kind of pay homage to their errors.
BETH HOYT: I bet it's happened to you.
Another comment from YouTube is from Carly Peterman.
"What was the one moment that you remember that
always makes you laugh?
P.S. Bananas."
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Adding "P.S. Bananas" is, uh,
definitely--
BETH HOYT: That helps.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: --technique.
So there's a new moment a my list of moments that
make make me laugh.
Wow, that grog is powerful.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
It's pretty strong.
But do you have one that you look back on and you think--
that you sort of, like, giggle?
Like, I want to picture you just giggling uncontrollably.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Oh, yes.
This--
God, I haven't thought about this in a while.
So freshman year in college, the first snow.
And all the freshman pour out to engage in an
epic, snowball fight.
In the midst of this melee-- this is basically like a World
War II type situation, like we're all
landing on the beach.
And, people, were just chaos.
It's like, everybody for themselves, no alliances.
A guy starts rolling through the quad on a unicycle.
Just like a citizen of the town.
He is not a student.
He is not a freshman.
No one paid him to do this.
He's on a unicycle in the midst of an epic snow battle.
And there's this peace that overtook the crowd.
And everyone's like, is this really happening?
And then, boom.
We all just lit him up.
And he just got pelted from every side, like, oh, oh, oh.
It was a great moment in snowball history and my
personal history.
And I cannot recall it without getting an inner sense of joy,
peace, and happiness.
BETH HOYT: And likewise for me now.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah.
So that's a happy place I go to when things
aren't going my way.
BETH HOYT: That poor slash lucky guy.
Because he asked for it.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: He really--
I mean, first of all, don't ride a unicycle.
Second of all, don't ride a unicycle amongst a group of
immature people like college freshmen.
Third of all, don't ride a unicycle in the
middle of a war zone.
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh Baratunde, thank you so much
for being here.
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Thank you for having me.
BETH HOYT: Where can we see you perform live next?
Where can we find you online?
What is your home address?
BARATUNDE THURSTON: So tonight, for those of you in
the New York area, I'm doing a show at Galapagos for a
freedom of speech organization called PEN.
In terms of online, go to my company's website,
cultivatedwit.com We just did a crazy cool experiment
getting developers and comedians to make funny apps.
So download some of those.
And in terms of the future, I'm doing live Twitter
activities all the time.
But especially October 3, I'll be live tweeting the first
presidential debate along with Lizz Winstead, creator of The
Daily Show, and a bunch of other great
people through Witstream.
So we're doing that at the 92YTribeca, but also on
Twitter @Baratunde.
BETH HOYT: I'll be there.
You guys, make sure to check out How To Be Black.
Also, thanks Baratunde--
BARATUNDE THURSTON: Yeah, don't be racist.
Get it.
BETH HOYT: Right.
We'll be right back.

-Hey.
Me and Steve are going to go see if
people are on the level.
This is Leveling Out.
FEMALE SINGING: McMayhem, McMayhem!
What you didn't know, now he ain't playing.
-Yeah, this car isn't level, so you might want to take it
in.
-Checking levels today.
-Seriously?
-Yeah, I just go to see if your bike's level.
-Hey, I just got to see how level you are, man.
-So just do me a favor and let me just see your head.
-[LAUGHS]
-Stick your tongue out all the way.
-Well, this thing is straight.
-You're clearly not.
-You're not.
-How exciting.

-Oh, this is a nice factor two.
This is level two.
-Want to sit on my lap and see if I'm level?
-No.
-Oh, man.
This car isn't as level as it needs to be.
We might have to take it in.
-Roll it down, roll it down.
I just want to see if it's level.
Woo!
-Hey.
-All right, stay straight.
-Yeah, he's level.
-It's OK, man.
Beer's a great thing.
-Working out really hard with your right hand,
but not hard enough.
-Wow.
Good job, man.
You take good care of this thing.
It's real level.
-Things around you aren't that level.
We need to change that.
-Are you sure about it?
-Yeah, I'm sure about it.
-Just want to see if everything's
level in here, OK?
You look all right.
-We need to check the level of your beard.
-What do you do if you determine that somebody's dog
is not level?
-We take them in for questioning.
The dogs, not the owners.
-Take them in where?
-To the-- well, we have a dog-questioning center.
-Yeah.
-Is this for real?
-You can sit down.
Thank you.
-I thought it was for the show Punk'd or something.
-No.
This is Next Level.

BETH HOYT: All right.
We're still all-in on Pirate's Day.
We have an update on the treasure hunt.
Now, the clue was "I protect ye ships from the perils of
land, let me light ye path and put treasure in hand." Think
someone figured it out?
"The lighthouse picture," from knucklecorn.
Uh, yeah.
From the Light Bright.
You guys, how much did you love Light Brights?
This is how giant I am.
I'm just going to reach up here.
OK.
Well done.
Um, this final clue is going to lead us
directly to our treasure.
Let's see what it says.
I still need your help, though.
I'm just going to read this and then I need your help.
"The treasure ye seek will soon be unfurled, if only you
look behind the whole world." Hm.
This clue is telling us exactly where the treasure is.
Do you know?
Do you?
If you've been a fan of the show, get in on this.
You can get in the comments and guess away.
You can get it.
You have 90 seconds.
Go.

-We were wondering why you're so
against the Sparrow program.
-I don't know, because they're all creepy little boys that
look like old men.
And they all die pretty quickly, so
they're pretty useless.
-Every time we get a new Sparrow, I get genuinely
excited about-- wow, fresh eyes, someone with a fresh
perspective.
And then something horrible happens.
And my heart gets ripped our.
-42nd boy Sparrow.
You bet.
Eh.
I'm really excited about it.
Because I think it's taken about 42nd times to get to me.
You know, like, 42nd time's the charm.
We're going to stick with this one.
-Great.
-That's what I know.
There is no pay.
But uh, Night-night said I could either choose between
eternal vengeance on my foes or full medical.

I chose vengeance.
There's a lot of things that I want to do with
my life, you know.
I think I'm going to grow up one day, and I think I'm going
to be the next huge thing.
You're going to remember my name.
You're going to remember the name--
Oh my God!
My arms!
[SCREAMING]
Oh my God!
I should have taken the medical insurance.
Why didn't I take the medical?

BETH HOYT: OK.
It's time to see if you found the treasure.
The final clue was, "The treasure ye seek will soon be
unfurled, if only ye look behind the whole world." Did
anyone figure it out?
Yeah.
Soxs36.
"The globe!
Woop woop!"
Aw, celebrating without even me
confirming, because you knew.
And you were right.
Here it is.
Oh my gosh, you guys, this is the treasure.
I think we know what it is.
It's two swords.
This is so exciting.
And there's the--
this is--
you guys, there's another note.
No big deal.
This note reads--

it reads, "Two blades of steel, set sail for danger.
Fight to the death with My Damn Channel Live's floor
manager."
It doesn't quite rhyme, but I know what it means.
Nate and I are going to sword fight to the death.
Ha ha.
Nate, get out here and fight like a man.
Fight.
OK.
Are you ready?
NATE: No.
BETH HOYT: All right. .

En garde.
Oh my gosh.
He's really going for it.
Who do you think you are?
Oh my--
Nate.
Ser--
Nate.

OK.

Ya!
Wait, what?
NATE: I--
I yield.
BETH HOYT: Why are-- you're going to just yield?
Nate, that's such a wimpy-- you can't just-- you can't
just surrender.
You have to walk-- you have to walk the plank now.
That was lame.
NATE: What, we have a plank?
BETH HOYT: I'm taking this very seriously.
I told you I have a plank.
All right, when we return, Nate will
be walking the plank.
Don't get sad, I'm not.
Nate, like, call your mom and say goodbye or something.
We are now-- right now, we have a brand-new My Damn
Channel original premiere video.
And I'm not making Nate walk the plank until
after we air it.
That's good news, right?
OK here is the latest, freshest, without scurvy, it's
Status Kill with She Needs Attention.

-If I have to decode or figure out some mysterious post that
you put up, chances are it's probably meaningless anyway.

-It's not open source for a reason, buddy.
-Now you listen to me.
A lot of people I know are going to die from that code.
-Mm hm.
-I need answers!
-Well, you can keep on asking me, but I'm not going to tell
you anything.
-My world is over.
-Excuse me.
One second.

Sheila, what-- what's wrong?
-It's nothing.
-If there's nothing wrong, then why is your world over?
-It's nothing.
-Oh no.
Jesus Christ.
Oh no.
-Psst.
Ask her if she broke up with her boyfriend.
-You, you watch it.
-I'm, I'm trying to help.
-Just, shh, zzz.
-Ask her.
-Shhh.
-Come on.

-Did you break up with your boyfriend?
-No.
It'll be OK.
-What happened?
-Sheila, did you-- did you get fired?
-She sounds-- does she work at a Best Buy?
She sounds like she works at a Best Buy.
-Shut up.
Is someone in your family sick?
-Everything's fine.
-Psst, hey.
Does she have any pets?

-She has a cat.
-A cat?
-Yes.
-I hate cats.
-I know, I hate cats, too.
-OK.
Uh, did the cat run away?
-It's a rescue cat.
It's kind of, you know, it's crazy.
They claw your face.
-Yeah, it's the cat.
-You think it's the cat?
-Check it out.
-OK.
-Check it out!
-All right!
Sheila, is your cat OK?
-He's fine.
-Jesus.
This is like Maury Povich mystery guest.
Come on.
Does she have friends?
-Yes.
-OK, all right.
I'm sorry.
Many people don't.
Maybe her girlfriend talked about her behind her back.
-They always do that.
They-- they-- it's like sport for them.
-But sometimes it cuts too deep.
-Did your girlfriend talk about you behind your back?
-No.
-What?
Oh!
I was sure that was it!
-I was close.
We were so close.
-Did she recently have a birthday party that not many
people showed up to?
-Did you-- did you crash your car?
-Does she have sleep apnea?
-Sheila, was there a house fire?
Are you OK?
-Something that would cause her to be stressed.
Maybe she's over tired.
-I don't know.
-Is she on food stamps?
-I don't--
I don't know!
-I'm just saying, you know nothing
about this girl's life.
All right.
Where does-- where does she live?
-She's in Florida.
-Florida?
-Yes, she lives in Florida.
-Hurricane season.
There's been a fucking hurricane!
-There's been a hurricane.
-High winds, her windows have probably shattered, there's
flooding in the basement, someone's drowned.
She's--
she's scared out of her mind.
She doesn't know what to do.
She runs to the roof--
-She needs a helicopter!
-Don't look at me!
She needs a helicopter!
-OK, OK.
-This is it, man.
This is it.
-Sheila.
Are you on the roof because of a hurricane, and I need to
send a helicopter to you now?
-No!
That's not it at all!
-Sheila, what is it?
What is it?
Please, just tell me.
I can't help you if you don't tell me.
What is it?
-If she doesn't answer soon, man, I say we just beat it out
of her.
-Yes!
-My new dress makes me look like a whale.
-What?
-You've got to be fucking kidding me.
-That was the thing?

BETH HOYT: And that's our show, you guys.
Thanks to Baratunde Thurston for being here.
Thanks to you guys for watching and commenting and
treasure hunting.
Thanks to Mitt Romney for making this week so funny and
embarrassing.
Subscribe.
I'll see you tomorrow when it's just Talk Like a Regular
Person Day.
Next Wednesday we're planning something really special.
NUWK will be here.
But today, for one last splash--
pun intended--
ladies and gentlemen, the walking of the plank by Nate.
Uh, bye Nate.
You're my favorite.

[SPLASH]
[MUSIC PLAYING]