Justin Halpern (Shit my Dad Says) - 5/15/12 (FULL EP)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 15.05.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: Rain, rain, go away.
Eff you, also.

Hi, friends.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe it.
It's the day we've all been waiting for.
It's here.
Did you pre-order it?
Did you get it yet?
Albert Nobbs is out on Blu-ray.
The old-timey movie where Glenn Close plays
an old-timey man.
On Blu-ray.
That's not exciting at all, but this is.
Justin Halpern, the man behind Shit My Dad Says, is here.
He has a brand new book called I Suck at Girls.
It's a memoir of his dating life.
I read it.
It's hilarious.
And I'm going to chat with him.
And we're taking your questions, too.
So put them in the comments or tweet me @thebethhoyt with
your thoughts and your questions for Justin.
First, though, we made a little video in honor of Mr.
Halpern being here.
He shares with the world all the shit his dad says, so we
thought we'd take a look inward and do some
sharing of our own.
So check it out, this is "Shit My Damn Channel Says."
-What's your favorite cuss word?
-Well, fu--
[PUNCHING SOUND EFFECT]
-I'm so sorry.

-We're not interested.

-Yucky, yucky, yuck!

-Bake your cookie.

-Yes.

-No, no, no!

-Oh my god.
-Let me explain.
-It's my channel--

BETH HOYT: Hello, I'm here with our very special guest
today, Justin Halpern.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Hi.
BETH HOYT: He started the totally now-famous "Shit My
Dad Says" Twitter account, and then he wrote a book based on
it and then wrote a TV show and hung out with William
Shatner for a while.
We're going to talk to him about his new book, I Suck at
Girls, which is out today.
Congratulations, Justin.
And welcome, and hi back.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Thanks for having me.
BETH HOYT: You're so welcome.
Thank you for being here.
We're really excited.
So can you tell us why you suck at girls?
Why do you think you suck at girls?
JUSTIN HALPERN: Well, hopefully I don't suck anymore
because I'm married.
BETH HOYT: Spoiler alert.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah.
I just always had a knack for saying the wrong thing at the
wrong time or doing the wrong thing.
BETH HOYT: I have that, too.
But I rule at girls.
JUSTIN HALPERN: That's good.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Yeah, I have a lot of friends.
This isn't about me, though.
Speaking of your wife, though, Amanda, she's the shit.
She has some really good qualities that your dad has,
like the point blank bluntness.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah.
Yeah, she definitely rides that line between being really
cool and a total bitch.
BETH HOYT: Oh yeah?
JUSTIN HALPERN: She's on the cool side.
I think it's a fine line.
BETH HOYT: I see what you mean about the
saying the wrong thing.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah, I think you're really, really cool.
Then oh my god, all of a sudden, you're an asshole.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You're like stay close to this line, though.
I think that's what she does.
It's awesome.
I loved the part when she says, are we
dating or are we not?
That's a lesson for everyone under 30 to just cut to it.
She just--
JUSTIN HALPERN: I know.
Otherwise, it's awkward, and you start doing those like
weird things where you don't know if you should call
somebody on a Friday night.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
And then you spend years.
That could have been years.
If she hadn't done that--
JUSTIN HALPERN: We wouldn't be married today.
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh.
JUSTIN HALPERN: No, we'd be married.
BETH HOYT: Your book would have the negative.
It would be, I suck at girls.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah.
It would have a downwards question mark.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
JUSTIN HALPERN: I suck at girls?
BETH HOYT: That's the worst--
downward question mark.
Another favorite part in here is this chapter.
Maybe you could describe it for the audience because this
comes out today.
I feel so privileged that I know what's in here.
But I know about this incident of you
finding porn as a child.
JUSTIN HALPERN: I did.
I was at my Little League baseball field.
There was a canyon in the back that I was scared to go into.
And one day we went in there, and we found a ton of porn.
And we're looking around, then all of a sudden--
BETH HOYT: As you do.
JUSTIN HALPERN: As you do.
And all of a sudden, two homeless guys just start
chasing us, and so we ran through our Little League
practice with two homeless guys chasing us and then our
coach behind them.
BETH HOYT: Carrying all the--
JUSTIN HALPERN: We were carrying all the porn.
And then I just broke right, and I ran a mile home.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah, in cleats and stuff.
It was gnarly.
BETH HOYT: And kept the loot.
JUSTIN HALPERN: I buried it in my backyard.
And then in the middle of the night, I dug it up, and
my dad caught me.
BETH HOYT: Because you felt shame?
JUSTIN HALPERN: No, because I wanted to see it.
BETH HOYT: Oh, right.
Well, yes.
JUSTIN HALPERN: I felt no shame.
I still, to this day--
BETH HOYT: But you buried it.
I guess that was the safest place.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah, because it was all loose pages.
So I couldn't shove it under my mattress or anything.
I guess I could have.
I wasn't that smart.
BETH HOYT: Was the whole thing that you found in the--
was it all loose pages?
JUSTIN HALPERN: It was all loose pages.
It was like someone's selects.
BETH HOYT: Like their favorites?
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah.
It was before the internet.
It was like bookmarks.
BETH HOYT: So now that you've seen some full porn
publications, do you think that he had a specific--
were his favorites something that anyone
would think were favorites?
Or was it like, wow, I guess he's-- you
know, that's a bad--
JUSTIN HALPERN: I could get into it.
BETH HOYT: But anyway, your dad's reaction to that, I
think, is so great.
Did he teach you to have no shame early on, and that's why
you're able to have a tell-all memoir like this and just
really be open about stuff?
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah.
I mean, the most embarrassed I ever am is when my dad catches
me doing something.
So it's not as embarrassing to share something
with everyone else.
BETH HOYT: So you get all that out, and then you can tell the
whole world.
JUSTIN HALPERN: No one's going to shame me more than my
father will.
BETH HOYT: That's good.
But he still will, a lot.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah and currently does.
BETH HOYT: Right.
OK, we have a question from Twitter.
Because thanks, you guys, for sending in your questions.
And I have some, but so do you.
The first Twitter question is from bridgeter.

"Justin, did your dad suck at girls?"
JUSTIN HALPERN: No, he did not suck at girls.
He is the most confident guy in the entire world.
And even though he looks like a Muppet, he always--
so Corey and everyone else got laid.
BETH HOYT: Really?
So I just picture your dad looks like William Shatner.
Do you find that weird that a lot of people think, when they
hear about your dad, they just picture William Shatner?
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah.
It is weird because he looks nothing like William-- he
looks like Eugene Levy, kind of.
BETH HOYT: Mm.
Now we can all picture Eugene Levy.
OK.
Another Twitter question is from Conor Kelley.
"Ask him if people--" So, Justin, do
people like your dad--
are they a dying breed?
Will any of us be grizzled old men?
Or are we just too coddled?
JUSTIN HALPERN: I think they are kind of a dying breed.
I mean, he's really a grizzled guy who doesn't give a shit
about anything.
And I think that now we're all so sensitive to things.
And it's good for a lot of people.
But I just think that we're moving away from that.
Maybe the pendulum will swing back at some point.
BETH HOYT: You should capture it and put it in a new medium
technology like Twitter.
You should capture it and put it in Twitter.
JUSTIN HALPERN: It'll never work.
BETH HOYT: And then let it live there.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.
BETH HOYT: I think you did it, and I think you won Twitter.
I think you won Twitter.
We've one more tweet, and that is from DonCald.
He wants to know what do you think about the "Shit People
Say" videos?
JUSTIN HALPERN: Well, some of them are super racist.
It's like "Shit Asian People Say," and then it's a white
person doing a really racist Asian accent.
So I don't think those are so funny.
I think the first one, the "Shit Girls Say" one--
I could get the humor in that.
But then it just became the most base, stereotypical stuff
you could put.
So I'm not a huge fan.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, so put some thoughts into it, guys.
Don't do it unless it's a funny, good thing.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Yeah, be more funny.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, be more funny and not like the racists.
Gosh, thank you so much for being here, Justin.
JUSTIN HALPERN: Thanks for having me.
BETH HOYT: I could just keep talking all day long.
But we have another father-son team we're going
to put on the screen.
And if this boy in this video were to grow up and write a
book about his dad, it would be called This Shit's F'ed Up.
It's Daddy Knows Best.
Watch it.

-Jackson, look at Daddy.
Here comes the shark.
Ooh, it's going to be so scary.
Oh, I'm getting nothing here.
You're gonna get single-digit views with this thing.
Can you act a little happy?
This is our dream.
These are dangerous, dangerous mammals.
Damn it, you're a big boy.
No, no, Jackson, don't look him in the eyes, all right?
It's a sign of aggression.
Here comes the shark.
-What's going on?
Why is there a dog crate in our living room?
Why is he in the cage?
-What?
Wait, one question at a time.
First of all, I want to tell you how beautiful you look.
-Thank you.
Wow, yeah, what's going-- can you answer the question?
Why is he in the cage?
-You mean this?
-Oh, yeah.
No, yeah, this huge thing in our living room.
-This is--
this is what I call some good old-fashioned discipline, just
like my dad used to do to me.
-Your father used to put you in a-- in a dog crate?
-When I needed it.
I was a rambunctious kid.
-Wow, really?
Mm-hmm.
-And this helped me out.
-Wow.
Look at you now.
-Yeah, look how normal I am.
-What is this?
-That's not even-- that's like a piece of paper with some--
-But it's-- it's a receipt for a harpoon.
What do you need a harpoon for?
-I'm thinking about, you know, spicing
things up in the boudoir.
-Oh, really?
Oh, we're going to get dirty with a harpoon now?
-Make things a little dirty, a little nasty.
It'll be bloody.
-So you're going to--
OK, I'm not an idiot, Steve.
OK, I get it.
I get what this is.
This is like your YouTube thing.
-Stop it right there.
You stop it.
I promised you no more YouTube.
-No, I complete trust you.
I do.
I just--
I'm just going to take a look at--
-That's not even your business.
-Oh, look at this-- confirmation to go swimming
with sharks for Jackson and for Steven.
You're crazy!
He's a child!
-Jackson could be the first child to
swim with great whites.
You understand?
He'll be a YouTube sensation.
-No.
No.
No.
-It's amazing.
-My kid's not swimming with a shark because of your, like,
YouTube fantasy.
-No, it's got nothing to do with me, all right?
-Uh-huh.
-I do everything I do in life for my son.
Every morning, we wake up and we watch Matt Lauer on Good
Morning, America.
It's our favorite show.
And he has those kids that come on, and
they're on the YouTube.
And it just breaks Jack's little heart.
He wants to be famous.
He's talented.
He can do things.
-Those kids aren't actors.
Those are just moments.
They just happen, and the parent just catches it.
-Stop being so damn naive, babe.
All right?
I can't believe I let you talk me into anal.
Listen to me.
Charlie, that one you love, the one with the kid, oh, Mom,
I bit my finger--
-Yeah, I saw that video.
-You know what?
What they don't tell you about that one is that guy is a
31-year-old man with testicles.
-OK.
-A fully grown man.
-No, he's not.
-He's a dwarf.
He's got Gary Coleman's disease.
-No, he's not.
-Yes.
-Steve, you put my kid in a shark tank
again, I'm leaving you.
-Oh, is that a threat?
-Come on.
-He likes it in there.
-No.
No, he doesn't.
Come on.
-He did.
-Let's go.
I will.
-It's a shark cage, if you knew anything.
-Oh, hey-- honey, it looks like you have a little bit of
jizz, just right on your nose.
If you want to just--
-It's not jism.
It's zinc.

-I'm Dr. Fred Wilson, and I'm here to tell you about Med
Fax, a new app that diagnoses all of your medical symptoms
in just a matter of seconds.
All you have to do is open the app, load the page, and then
stick it up your butt.
-Oh, 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
Cool.
-That is cool.
But what if your throat hurts?

-Guys, I got it.
I got it.
Let's just put this online.
People will love it.
This cat loves cheeseburgers.

-Everyone knows you do blow in the bathroom, Steve.
Just call it a day.

-And that's why Daddy doesn't go to Tijuana anymore--
because VD is a real thing, buddy.
You have no idea how much penicillin I had to take to
get rid of that.
You taking this all in, or--
hey, buddy?

Oh!

BETH HOYT: That's it for today's show.
Thank you so much to Justin Halpern for being here.
Go buy his book--
I Suck at Girls is out today.
It'll make you laugh and think and love and feel.
JUSTIN HALPERN: All those things.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
And it'll make you look at things across a page.
Do you guys remember how to do that?
And I'll see you tomorrow at 4:00 PM Eastern for our big
weekly show with new videos and Steve Rannazzisi and a
brand new segment with comedy legend Gilbert Gottfried.
He's going to be on tomorrow.
And don't forget about our playlist.
From now on, we'll be uploading the show in
super-high quality as a playlist.
It comes on the following day at 12:00 PM Eastern.
So if you miss the show live and you want to watch it,
check it out the next day at noon.
JUSTIN HALPERN: That's cool.
BETH HOYT: Is that confusing?
OK, go dig out your roller blades.