Hello there, I'll get to the news in just a second. But first I want to talk to you
about my show here. I'm getting a lot of great tips about what to include on my program.
The most requests I'm getting is to bring on sexy girls in bikinis. Sorry, I don't think
that would work here on this type of show. I mean, seeing this every other news story,
just wouldn't be logical. Whereas this may be fun to look at, I just won't degrade the
show with this. I'd rather kiss Susan Boyle smack dab on the lips, while listening to
Taylor Swift on the radio while driving a Toyota before I'd compromise the show with
this. So whereas I appreciate the requests, this type of thing just won't be part of the
show. Sorry. Oh, and uh, neither will this as requested by a fan going by the name of
Fred. So , let's get on with the news. White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel privately
called a group of liberal activists an offensive word that I won't even be repeating here.
In fact I couldn't even find online which word he used when I tried researching this
story. But all I can say is, Mr. Emanuel, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you some
kind of f***ing retard? I mean, come on. What? Oh really, never mind.
Our nation's capitol has been slammed with two back to back snow storms, bringing everything
there to a grinding halt. Said newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scot Brown, "There's
nothing mother nature can do that I can't." I've tried looking at Sarah Palin with an
open mind, but every time I turn around, she says or does something so incredibly stupid,
that it just reminds me of why we don't miss Bush. While speaking at a Tea Party Convention
in Nashville this week, Sarah Palin was caught using crib notes written on her hand. Here
in this photo you can clearly see she had written the words energy, budget had been
crossed out, tax cuts and lift American spirits and then there was this.
Former ESPN anchor Steve Phillips this week revealed that he was a sex addict and underwent
therapy at the same clinic where Tiger Woods is currently undergoing treatment. In an interview
with Matt Lower, Phillips said that he knew what Tiger was going through. I think we all
know what Tiger is going through. A hell of a lot of hand cream.
Tiger's mistress number one, Rachel Uchatel was approached at the airport by a reporter
who asked if she had seen Tiger since he got out of rehab. She responded "Just for you
to ask these questions is so inappropriate." And Rachel should know the definition of inappropriate.
As in, inappropriate to have an affair with a married man. Inappropriate to hang around
Tiger's yacht after Elin has left him, and inappropriate to plan a press conference to
spill the beans just to then cancel after being paid to keep your mouth shut.
I was looking forward to bringing you a story about Tim Burton cause I thought he had created
a new sequel to the film 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. I was excited because I thought
I saw a trailer for the film on TV last night, but then when I found my glasses, I realized
that it was just Victoria Beckham guest judging on American Idol. Hey Simon, how about paying
that poor girl enough money so she could at least go out and buy a sandwich.
The Oscars this year has increased the number of nominees for Best Picture. In order to
save time, here is a complete list of movies that came out in 2009 that weren't nominated.
Jackass 17. That's it. Good luck to the other hundreds of nominees.
During the Super Bowl last Sunday fans were shocked to see a commercial with Jay, Oprah
and Dave at a mock super bowl party. Conan had been invited, but his producer said that
" Conan had too much going on to consider it". We can confirm that when we checked with
his manager and found out that Conan did indeed have to work a double shift that day.
The Michael Vick Project kicked off with it's first episode, but it's unclear if further
installments will be airing after this unfortunate incident.
And finally, MTV's hit reality series, The Jersey Shore, is gearing up for a second season
and will be introducing two new cast members. Tone Deaf and the Disappointment.
And that's the news. Make sure to watch me on Boxee. Till next time, have a terrific