Beth of the Week - 8/24/12 (Full Ep)

This is a fish in a bowl.
This is a mouse in a bowl.
[MUSIC PLAYING - THEME MUSIC]
BETH HOYT: Hi, you guys.
It's me, Beth Hoyt.
I'm coming at you on a Friday, one of
the last summer Fridays.
By one of the last, I mean, the last one before
it's the last one.
You know what happens on the last one, right?
You know.
We cry.
We cry all day.
I mean, cause that's the thing, right?
Do you-- do you cry all day?
Cry day Friday, comes before Labor Day,
no more white pants.
We don't cry over the pants.
That would be really crazy.
I mean, you just cry because another summer went by and you
didn't have the summer romance that teen novels
prepared you for.
You're also shorter in the daydreams
from those teen novels.
Anyway, that's next week.
I still have a week.
And I had a pretty rad summer, considering I met all of you.
So I had a super fun time talking to you guys on Monday,
and on Tuesday with my mom, and one Wednesday, when you
guys were really in action with me and Kamau at the sleep
over and Jeanine.
I never went to bed, you guys.
Never did.
Feeling good.
And Grace held the fort down as much as Grace
is able to on Thursday.
And we're grateful--
I mean, we're grateful because it's hard to hold down a fort
when you're slightly buzzed.
You know.
Anyways, whether you were here this week or not,
this is fun to watch.
It's the Beth of the Week.

-Did I call Nate?
-Yeah.
-Oh.
No.
I'm sorry.
Well, that was a misdial.
-Who did you think you were calling.
-I, well, I mean, not you.
-Also you lost me in Walmart--
MAMA HOYT (OFFSCREEN): That was Cal's uncle.
--the first day we moved to Wisconsin.
And I went to the front, to the front desk, and I was
crying, because I was like my parents left me, and I don't
know where they are.
And they're like tell us your name.
And I was like it's Beth Hoyt.
And then they said over the announcement, they're like we
have a Beth White here, a Beth White.
Can her parents-- and then I started crying more, because I
was like no one's going to come get me?
Hey Kamau, how did you get your hair like that.
It's pretty chill.
-Well, I did a thing, that I recommend calling--
called having two black parents.
-I would love to share this with you.
It's too bad.
Anita, I would give you some.
But there's no extra spoon.
MAMA HOYT (OFFSCREEN): Cause I was very proud of you.
Um, Class Officer.
BETH HOYT: Oh, OK.
MAMA HOYT (OFFSCREEN): And you were in softball, basketball,
and um, volleyball.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MAMA HOYT (OFFSCREEN): You were on the dance team when
you decided not to do sports.
BETH HOYT: And?
MAMA HOYT (OFFSCREEN): And because-- you quit sports,
because you got leads in all the plays.
Hello doll.
We--
BETH HOYT: OK.
That's-- this is getting-- this is getting embarrassing.
And also, a blanket fort is just great because then like,
before your friends arrive, you can just do a little sippy
sip, just some-- a little hidden drinking.

I can't control what my body does.
It's doing it, naturally.
Give that to me.
Guys, we worked more than five minutes on that bit.
MALE SPEAKER: Hey, I got butt on my afro.
BETH HOYT: Oh my God.
MALE SPEAKER: I got afro-butt.
BETH HOYT: If you eat Cookie Crisp-- ahh, there we go,
Kevin, you're an accessory to all the crime perpetuated by
the Cookie Crisp robber.
Is that true?
I mean, I've never--
I've never had Cookie Crisp so I'm not--
no, I'm--
I'm fine there.
There's no Cookie Crisp in here, so I'm good to go.
Michael Fassbender was very-- in Prometheus is very
hate-able.
-He is?
OK.
So I'll kill Michael Fassbender even though he's
got a big old dick.

-And you know how we like to do it on Fridays and give you
a new video of high quality and superior self-hatred.
He's the best.
He's the worst teacher.
But he's the best.
He's Donnie Hoyle.
And this is the latest, our premiere of the latest, You
Suck at Photoshop.

DONNIE HOYLE: My name is Donnie.
And you suck at Photoshop.
Stick a bomb in your bell poop and salute yourself.
Let's say that you've just completed the fight of your
life against your nemesis, in an octagon, in a mixed-marital
arts event.
And then on many other body parts, you broke your larynx
and can no longer communicate vocally.
You need to describe to the doctor which part of your body
is injured.
Let's use Photoshop to help.

Open Photoshop and create a new image.

We are going to open a skeleton of the human anatomy
in a 3D image.
Select 3D, New 3D layer from file.

Here is a file that I saved earlier.

Photoshop brings it into a 3D-view.
From here, we can manipulate it.
Rotate.

Translate.

Soon we need to paint on the skeleton the parts of the body
that we've been diagnosed as being broken.
Select Paintbrush and paint onto the skeleton.

When you rotate the skeleton, you can see that the 3D
architecture has been colored.
[BEEPING]
-Hello.
Hey Donnie man, Donnie, we-- we need to talk about
something, man.
-I can't talk to you right now.
I'm in the middle of a tutorial.
-Oh.
Man, why are you talking like that?
-I broke my larynx in a fight.
-No.
Oh man.
Oh, no, no, no.
We--
that's what we got to talk about, man.
-I can't talk to you right now, I broke my--
-Listen, Donnie-man, You didn't break your neck or your
larynx or your body man.
You weren't in a fight.
-That's incredibly ridiculous.
I was in a--
-No, listen man.
And stop talking like that.
I
-Don't know what you're talk--
what you're talking about.
I--
I don't--
wait.
Why am I talking like that?
-Donnie-man, you're talking like that because you didn't
break your larynx.
You weren't in a fight, man.
Donnie, I'm about to blow your mind.
-Please return your seatback to its full and upright
position, man.
-What are you talking about?
-Donnie, you weren't in a fight.
You're not even in a hospital, man, look.
-You're just playing a loop sound in your-- in QuickTime.
-What-- what are you talking about?
I--
what?
Uh, what?
What are you-- what's happening?
-Donnie man, you weren't in a fight, because you couldn't
have fought that other guy.
Because you are that other guy.
-What?
-You're Ricky Cox, man.
-What?
What are you talking about?
-Man, think about it.
You're Ricky Cox.
Who do you think was pounding your wife in that van.
Man, that's your van, Ricky.
That's yours, since the beginning.
-What, what, what do you mean?
What do you [STAMMERING]
talking about?
-You might listen.
Try to remember.
You hit your head in a terrible, uh, fishing tackle
box accident, man.
Ricky, you started-- you woke up, you started talking about
this guy Donnie Hoyle.
And then you started doing these Photoshop tutorials,
man.
-Wait, what?
What?
-Yeah, man.
Listen.
You been making this whole thing up.
-No, no, wait a minute.
I've--
I've--
I've been on a journey.
I was in Bhutan.
-You weren't in Bhutan, man.
-And I--
I was in--
I was i Istanbul.
And I--
I had--
I had a lover in Greece, and--
-Hey, man, listen.
None of that is real.
You made that whole thing up.
You're in your basement, man.
You just been playing soundfiles and using different
voices and typing messages to yourself in Facebook, man.
-Wait--
All of this is--
it's just made up?
-That's right, man.
Even me, man.
Even me.
You made me up too.
It's just you talking to yourself in your basement.
That's all this conversation is.
-No, no, that's not possible.
-It is.
You're Ricky Cox.
And now it's time to put Donnie Hoyle away forever.
We can do it together.
-I don't--
I don't understand.
My name is Donnie Hoyle.
My name is Donnie Hoyle.
-And you suck at Photoshop.
-Oh, oh, man, that's bull--
John--
this can't be.
I can't do this.
I don't understand what we're--
wait--
-That's right.
It's your son.
And he needs to talk to you.
This is the most important conversation of your life.
-I don't--
know.

-Daddy.

STEPHEN SEIDEL: Sometimes you need to shout at people for
them to know just how awesome they are.
Great intro, Steve, good job, bro.

You're great.
You are so great.
Ladies, you're being great nannies today.
I'm sure those kids love you.
Great pink socks you'r wearing today.
And that dog looks like it needs a meal.
I'll buy you socks, maybe a hotdog?
That you for stopping.
You're a worthwhile individual.
You're daughter's beautiful.
You're a biracial couple.
You're amazing.
It's obvious that you're doing a good job by yourself.
Just keep doing it.
I'm sure you've got a decent score on your SATs.
People will always respect you and take care of you based on
the kindness I can see in your eyes, even though you're
wearing sunglasses,
-That your daughter?
-Yes.
-Is he a good daddy?
He looks like a good Daddy.
Does he buy you dollies, lollipops, Gorgonzola?
You're doing a great job in there, a great job in there.
Keep doing drywall.
Hey, bro, great box, man.
Hey, enjoy that sandwich.
Oh, it feels so good, don't stop.
Hey, pink pants, solid work.
Hey, man, that's great hair.
Yeah, man, I want to take you to the bank and
give you all my money.
Melrose alert, you're awesome.
Color coordinated from the head to the toes.
You think maybe you and I could have a--
a small hug today?
-I think so.
-All right.
Come in for the real thing.
I love you, man.
-I love you too.
-Tell me-- tell me you love me.
-I love you.

BETH HOYT: That is our show.
That is our week.
You guys have a great weekend.
I don't have any major plans, except to avoid
thrills and bad guys.
And I'm so excited because next week on Wednesday, Grace
and I are hosting the show together.
We have a really big summer blowout show planned, wherein
we will do all the things we missed this summer.
I think we have a kiddie pool.
Subscribe, and find out if it's true.
I'll see you on Monday.
Xoxo.