Steve Rannazzisi (The League) - 5/16/12 (FULL EP)

BETH HOYT: [SINGING]
Zeony, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
That was--
that's for you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: That was an inside joke from the chat.
Hi, little ladies and my big boys.
What?
I'm sorry, Mom.
Hi, you guys.
I'm Beth Hoyt, and I'm your host of My Damn Channel LIVE.
It's Wednesday, so I have extra makeup on.
And we have brand-new My Damn Channel original comedy
premieres for you--
that's long-form for funny new videos--
and a special guest by the name of Steve Rannazzisi.
He's on The League on FX and Daddy Knows
Best on My Damn Channel.
Tweet me questions or leave comments for him now.
We're gonna use those when we bring him in.
Seriously, we answer your questions live.
Look, I'm gonna answer a question from
the chat right now.
I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.
Uh, this is from wxsyz.
"Maybe the live show will cure my headache?
Let's make that happen." I mean, I can't promise that.
I can't promise that at all.
I mean, did I do that right?
I answered your question, but I don't promise.
You see, it'll be like that, except later and smoother,
because Steve will-- anyways, speaking of, let's get the
place warmed up for Steve with an episode
of Daddy Knows Best.
It's one of our favorites.
It's "Swim Class."
[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hey.
Where were you?
-Swim class.
-Oh, that was, like, four hours ago.
-Yeah, but you know, there was, uh, traffic.
-Oh.
-And it was nuts.
Yeah, and he's really fussy, so I'm gonna put him down, or
at least--
-Oh, I'll put him down.
I miss him.
-It's OK, I got him.
-He's fussy.
No, I got it.
Come on, Bubby.
Come on.
-All right.
-Hi, baby.
[KID CRYING]
-OK.

Oh, my god.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): Hey, Steve?
-Yeah.
-This reeks like cigarettes.
-Huh?
What smells like cigarettes?
-His jacket.
Smell it.
-What do you mean?
-It, like, reeks like cigarettes, like--
ugh.
-He's smoking.
This is unbelievable.
-What is this?
-Ah, classic laundry mishap.
-Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is-- this looks just like me.
-Thong in the sleeve.
-No, this is definitely not my thong.
Oh god, it's-- it is wet.
It's wet.
What is that?
-It's more moist than it is wet.
-What is this?
Where did you get this?
-OK, you know what?
Fine.
You ruined the surprise.
Surprise.
-What is it?
-I got you a child who goes pee-pee in the potty.
Our son took his first pee-pee on the potty.
He did it.
-Yay.
-Yeah.
-Wha--
How--
I don't understand.
Explain to me how that has--
-He took a pee-pee on the potty, and the potty happened
to be inside of a strip club.
-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, what?
Did you just say a strip club?
-Well, lower your voice.
-You're kidding me.
-Our son is in REM sleep, a developmental--
-You took our kid to a strip club today.
-Not--
-Just a-- a smoke-filled--
-Technically speaking--
OK, yes, we went to a strip club.
-OK?
-We were looking for a bathroom.
Dada, Dada, potty, potty.
And I saw-- it was a lot of glare.
And I saw an unmarked building.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): Right.
-I thought it might have been a house of worship.
-But it was a strip club [INAUDIBLE].
-It happened to be a strip club, yes.
-OK, great.
-It happened to be a strip club.
-OK, good.
So you went in.
STEVE (OFFSCREEN): We went in.
-You went to the bathroom.
You left.
-We went inside, we went to the bathroom, we walked out,
got a lap dance, and we walked out--
-Oh.
STEVE (OFFSCREEN): And we left.
-What did-- did you just say a lap-- you just got a lap
dance?
-Yes.
We got a lap dance.
-And then you got a lap dance.
-You don't know what happened.
They're very intimidating at these places.
A gigantic black guy came over, looked me right in the
eyes.
-Oh yeah, and he put a gun to your head.
-He said, hey, man.
Y'all gonna get a lap dance.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): Really?
-Yeah.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
-Even the boy.
-Oh, wow.
He just-- just like that.
-Yes.
-He told you you're gonna get a lap dance.
-I was frightened, for--
for my safety and for Jack's.
-So you're telling me my baby got a lap dance at a dirty,
filthy strip club, just covered in smoke.
-I don't know.
I didn't see him.
He was in a separate room.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): In a separate room!
-Shh.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): You've gotta be kidding me.
-You can't do it at the same time, babe.
You can't make eye contact.
It's a very weird thing with boners.
-Oh, my god.
-And for the record--
-Yeah?
-She had nice tits--
-OK.
---but her ass was zitty.
Your ass has got way better complexion.
-Oh, wow, thank you so much, Steve.
That's so great.
That makes me--
-You're making a mountain out of a-- a thong.
You are.
-Yeah, no, really.
But then you bring my son's jacket and it reeks like--
wha-- no.
Move your foot.
Move your foot, Steve.
-What?
There's nothing underneath my foot.
-Steve.
-What foot?
I'm moving my foot.
-Move the-- this foot.
Steve.
-Oh, god.
-Destiny?
Really, Steve?
Destiny?
You got a stripper's phone number?
-I didn't get a stripper's phone number.
-Are you kidding me?
-Have you been listening at all?
This thong was in his jacket.
That number was in his jacket.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): Mm-hm.
-I think we see what the problem is here.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
-We're raising, like, a young Tony Soprano.
-Did he smoke a cigarette himself?
-You know what.
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): [INAUDIBLE].
-Give me this.
I'm gonna call this Destiny, and I'm gonna tell her, A, we
have her thong, in case she's looking for it.
-Oh, yeah.
-And, B, make sure she knows how inappropriate it is to
give a phone number--
-Yeah.
---to a young child.
She sh-- she should wait until he's at least 15 years.
-Great, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you do that?
You do that.
You be busy with that.
-Fine.
-And I'll be taking him to swim class from now on, OK?
-You sure you want to do that?
TRACY (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, I do.
-You really think you're ready to get back
into a bathing suit?
I shouldn't have said that.
Wish I could--
-Just sleep out on the couch forever.
-OK, I like the way--
-You know.
--cold leather feels on my--
-Yeah, good.
It-- it's just unfair, you know?
Because I don't know what's--

-What-- what was the last thing you saw?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Oh, Steve, is the actor as
naughty as the character?
Maybe we'll find out later.
We're going to get to know him from A to Rannazzi.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
You know when you see something totally insane in
our culture, like three-year-olds nursing their
mother on the cover of Time Magazine, and you just want to
rant about it, but then you realize that your rant would
be so much more effective if it were delivered by the
legendary comic Gilbert Gottfried?
That's just-- it's-- that's always a tough situation.
Well, luckily, we have a solution.
We brought Gilbert Gottfried into rant about insane things
in our culture and on the internet.
Here he is, Gilbert Gottfried, with Gilbert Gets It.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Hey, folks.
Gilbert Gottfried here.
So there's this thing called a gender cake party that some
parents are throwing to find out the sex of
their unborn child.
They have the doctor send the test results to a baker, who
then bakes a cake with either blue or pink batter.
So when they cut it open, they find out if they're having a
boy or a girl.
Look, I get it.
You want to make a party and give your friends another
reason to have to buy you presents.
Listen to me for a second.
You don't want a doctor that sends your test
results to a baker.
You want a doctor that says to you, no, I'm a doctor.
What happens if you get a cake that's both pink and blue on
the inside?
I guess you're having twins, or a hermaphrodite.
Maybe we should all get our test results through cakes.
Green batter?
Congratulations, you have chlamydia.
Thanks to foursquare, people now get to tell the world
where they are at every single moment, because everyone needs
to now your taking a shit in the Starbuck's bathroom.
And now a company made an app that takes all that data and
uses it to stalk people.
It's called Girls Around Me.
And it tells you when girls have checked in near you and
gives you access to her personal information.
I get it.
You have trouble meeting women.
Call me old-fashioned, but I miss the good-old days when
stalkers had to hide out in your hallway for hours and
wait for you.
That took commitment.
Apparently, this was so creepy, they had to
take the app down.
Sorry, predators.
Finally, this French inventor has developed a spray that
apparently gets you super drunk for under a minute.
I get it.
This is the perfect invention for our fast-paced world.
Who has time these days to take a bottle, tilt it over a
glass and then drink it.
That could take minutes.
This is perfect for people who love to drive drunk but hate
getting caught.
You could be hammered when the cop pulls you over and sober
by the time he reaches your window.
Do you guys know any stupid stuff I can sound off on?
Of course you do.
It's the internet.
Just send me your ideas on Twitter.
Until then, try not to get too drunk cyber-stalking women on
their way to a gender cake party.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Gilbert Gottfried, everybody.
What a treat.
What other crazy things should Gilbert rant about?
You need to tell us.
You can tweet me or Gilbert.
Just use the #gilbertgetsit hashtag so we can find it.
The internet is a big place.
And remember to keep tweeting me and commenting questions
for Steve Rannazzisi.
Guess what?
It's time now for our first My Damn Channel
original comedy premiere.
Now, there are many advances in technology, but-- but jokes
remain a constant.
It's from Junior Varsity, the Linked Out premier of Med Fax.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hi, I'm Dr. Fred Wilson, and I'm here to tell you about Med
Fax, a new app that diagnoses all of your medical symptoms
in just a matter of seconds.
Sounds crazy, right?
Well, say you want to check your temperature.
All you have to do is open the app, load the page, and then
stick it up your butt.
-Oh, 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
Cool.
-Yes, that is cool.
But what if your throat hurts?
-Just put it in my mouth?
-Uh, not so fast.
Before you do that, you're going to need to go ahead and
stick it up your butt.
-Wait.
I put the phone in my mouth after I stick it in--
-That's right.
Before you know it, you'll find out if you have
bronchitis, strep, or just a simple sore throat.
-[GAGS]
Huh, strep.
I guess that's kind of cool.
-What happens if you want to take a chest x-ray?
-Does Med Fax do that, too?
-Sure does.
Just place the screen of the phone on your
chest for five seconds.
-Oh, nice.
-Now stick it up your butt.
-What?
-Podiatry?
-I think I can take a guess.
-That's right.
Just stick it up your butt.
Gynecology?
-But I don't have a vagina.
-Doesn't matter.
Just stick it up your butt.
Urology?
-Right.
-Stick it up your butt.
Proctology.
-Oh, I got this one.
Stick it up my butt.
-No.
Press the phone against your lower back, hold your breath
for five seconds, and then wait for the beep.
-OK.
-Then stick it up your butt.
-Jesus Christ.
Are we done here?
-No, there's more.
Now you can get Med Fax on your tablet as well.
-No, no.
Absolutely not.
Not gonna happen.
-Med Fax, just stick it up your butt.

-[SIGHS]
Is that a wrap?
[FART]
-Nope, not gonna do it.
I may be in immense pain right now, but I'm not gonna stoop
to your low-brow humor.
Maybe some political satire?
A turn of phrase, perhaps?
A commentary on the existential void that is life?
No, I'm not laughing.

STEPHEN SEIDEL: The world's a crazy place.
People aren't being very nice to each other.
Sometimes you just need to stop in the name of love.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Ohhh.
[BEEP]
-Get over here.
Hey, girl.
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
-Get over here.
[BEEPING]
-Sorry.
[BEEPING]
-I--
I'm sorry.

He hit me.

[BEEPING]
I'm
-What the fuck is your problem?
Get the fuck out of the street.
Come on!
[INAUDIBLE]
the fucking sidewalk.
What the fuck is wrong with you?

REGGIE WATTS: Hi, my name is Reggie Watts and you're
watching My Damn Channel LIVE.
It's my channel, dammit.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Heyo.
So when I found out that our guest today was going to be
Steve Rannazzisi, I wanted--
I wanted to try a different kind of interview, something a
little more homespun and-- and intimate.
Um, take a look.

STEVE RANNAZZISI: Hey, it's me.
Um, I'm here to do the My Damn Channel LIVE interview, and
the address says some Brownstone and Carrol Gardens.
I don't know, this-- is this right?
Can you give me call back when you get a chance?
Thanks.
[BUZZER]
BETH HOYT: Steve.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Hey, Beth.
I'm--
BETH HOYT: Please, come in.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I'm so sorry I'm late.
BETH HOYT: Don't apologize.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I didn't know if this
was the right place.
BETH HOYT: No, don't be sorry.
Please, just come in.

So good to see you.
So help yourself to anything you'd like.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
BETH HOYT: I mean, seriously, anything you want.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: OK.
BETH HOYT: I'm just finishing getting dressed.

STEVE RANNAZZISI: Hey, you have to call me back.
Did you tell this woman that I'm married?
The hostess lured me to her apartment.
She's got wine and candles.
She's all over me.
BETH HOYT: Steve.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: All right, I gotta go.
Call me back.
Yeah?
BETH HOYT: I'm ready for you.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Um, is-- is this where
we're doing the interview?
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS]
No, silly.
This is the green room.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I thought this was a kitchen.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS]
You're so funny.
No, it's this way.
Come on.

STEVE RANNAZZISI: Is this your normal studio, or--
BETH HOYT: No.
No, this is just special for you.
It's, um--
I wanted to be a little more intimate.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Um, so where's the crew and the--
and the--
BETH HOYT: Don't worry about the crew.
You can just focus on me.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: So no cameras?
BETH HOYT: There are definitely cameras.

So tell me something about yourself.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Um, well, I'm married.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That would be the number one thing I
would say that anyone would know about me, is that I'm
happily married.
She's awesome.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: So married.
And, uh, have two kids.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: They're always around.
BETH HOYT: I've seen you be a daddy.
I've seen you be a daddy on Daddy Knows Best.
You're really good at it.
You're also really good at-- at being bad.

STEVE RANNAZZISI: Just a--
just an actor playing a part.
BETH HOYT: You're a bad daddy.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Mmm.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
Actually, I think we should just get started.
How do you feel about that?
You want let's just get started.
I think we should just probably just--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, no, no, no.
OK, OK.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
Ooh, it's that time where I have to go, because I had
something else.
Yeah, it's an-- so important.
I gotta go.
Sorry.

BETH HOYT: I just need to--
I just wanted to--
just trying to put this under his shirt.
MALE SPEAKER: What the heck.
We barely got anything.
What is that dude's problem?
BETH HOYT: I was just trying to mic him up
and he freaked out.
MALE SPEAKER: I--
I guess we'll just do it live in the studio, then.
BETH HOYT: I--
I cleaned my apartment.
MALE SPEAKER: [SIGHS]
BETH HOYT: So we could have done it then, could have done
it right there on my couch.
We probably--
we probably had time to do it a couple of times, and then
edit it-- you know, edit the best parts together.
I mean, I guess we're just gonna do it today in the
studio with-- with all of you guys watching.
So--
I'm sorry, I'm-- just to be clear, I am--
I'm talking about having sex with Steve Rannazzisi.
Oh, you got-- you got-- did you get that?
Oh, you got that.
OK, great.
First, though, check this out.
It's Captain Hippo.
They handle all our fake commercials here at My Damn
Channel, and they're back with another product displacement.
Enjoy.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALARM]
FEMALE SPEAKER NARRATING: Looks like you're using the
wrong home security system.
[YELLING]
FEMALE SPEAKER NARRATING: Let's see what happens if you
use our system.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Hey, who's down there?
I'm upstairs taking a shit.
[GRUNTING]
[PLOPPING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): [GRUNTING]
FEMALE SPEAKER NARRATING: With the Hey!
I'm Upstairs Taking a Shit Home Security System, no
burglar would dare to enter your home.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): You're in big trouble--
[FART]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): --after I--
[FART]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): --clean myself up.
FEMALE SPEAKER NARRATING: When our sensors detect the
slightest of movements, they immediately turn on the
bathroom light downstairs and activate the alarm.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Just you wait--
[FART]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): --I'm coming to get ya, right
after I finish taking this shit.
[GRUNTING]
MALE SPEAKER: Our system will even alert the proper
authorities of a break-in.
-911, what's your emergency?
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Yeah,
someone's breaking in here.
[FART]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I'd do something about it, but I'm
stuck on the pot--
[FART]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): --taking a shit.
-Ew.
FEMALE SPEAKER NARRATING: And if you're just a house full of
ladies, don't worry.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Hey, I'm upstairs having a period.
I'm putting that thing in my, uh-- what's that thing, uh,
ladies use all the time for this?
You know what?
I'm just taking a shit.
[FART]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I'm a lady, though.
FEMALE SPEAKER NARRATING: Call right now and get the
(MASCULINE VOICE) Hey!
I'm Upstairs Taking a Shit Home Security System.
[BREAKING GLASS]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I'm upstairs taking a--
[PLOPPING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): [GRUNTING]
[PLOPPING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Dammit.
Not now.
[PLOPPING]
FEMALE SPEAKER NARRATING: And you'll never
have to worry again.
It works, because people are disgusted by shit.
MALE SPEAKER: Can you pass me the spoon Soul Roll Brother
number one?
COOLIO: Lights up, please.
Come on now.
Man, directorial, what it do?
You must must be on the red devils.
Y'all know what a red devil is?
I'm not gonna tell you, either.
But I know my uncle used to take them and fall
asleep at the light.
[LAUGHS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Uh, 19, I think.
-Yeah, 19.
Here it is right now.
-Oh, there it is.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
-Sorry I'm late.
Let me explain.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID CROSS: Hi, I'm David Cross, and you're watching My
Damn Channel LIVE.
OK?
That's all right?
Is that one all right?

BETH HOYT: Hey, you guys, welcome back.
Look who's here.
It's Steve Rannazzisi.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I'm here, in the flesh, that's right.
And, um, I want to apologize for the other day, because--
BETH HOYT: That's OK.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: --you know, I thought that you were just
gonna do an interview, and then when I realized that you
were just trying to mic me up, then I realized we probably
should have just had sex.
BETH HOYT: OK, good.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: With each other.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's good.
BETH HOYT: So that's out there.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: We missed our opportunity.
I just have regular questions.
I mean, we're just gonna--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh.
BETH HOYT: --talk through it today.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: OK.
Are they-- are they about sex?
Or--
BETH HOYT: Uh, well, the first one, kind of.
So you have two young boys.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Children.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yes.
Yes, I do have two young boys.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
I'm very comfortable with-- with the children.
I know--
I know how to--
I know how to bring up this issue.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I can see that.
BETH HOYT: So you've birthed?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I have not given birth to two young-- but
I have been part of--
BETH HOYT: Been partnered.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I've been partnered with a person that
gave birth to the children.
BETH HOYT: Sure.
OK, now I understand how that works.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Mmm.
BETH HOYT: OK, kind of.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: OK.
BETH HOYT: Sure.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I'll explain the rest later.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's OK.
BETH HOYT: We don't have time.
Um, uh, anyway, so you have two--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I have two boys, yes.
BETH HOYT: And one is very new.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: One is two weeks old.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: He's still very fresh.
BETH HOYT: Really?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Just a little-- red?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: He still has his umbilical
cord attached to him.
BETH HOYT: Really?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Do you know how that works?
No, you don't.
It's a--
BETH HOYT: See, that's-- that is one of those things that I
don't know if that's a joke or not.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah, it's so--
I would be like, oh, here's my baby--
BETH HOYT: [INAUDIBLE]?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: --and you'd be like-- what?
No, I swear to you, there's, like, a little nub of the--
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: --umbilical cord that falls off.
BETH HOYT: Didn't some celebrity recently also keep
the belly button on for a long time?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Some people keep a lot of this.
Some people keep parts and things that happen in the
birth and they make soups.
BETH HOYT: Oh yes.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's all true.
BETH HOYT: Right, yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And, uh, we didn't do any of that.
BETH HOYT: She looks--
I mean, yeah, OK.
That's good.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah, we didn't do it.
There's no soup in my house.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No umbilical soup for me.
BETH HOYT: No soup for you.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No.
BETH HOYT: No baby soup.
Are you-- are you not sleeping then because
you have this newborn?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I sleep great because my
three-year-old, um, comes into the room, and then he can't
sleep at night, so I bring him back to his room.
And then I sleep--
I sleep in his room with him.
BETH HOYT: You're sneaky.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Eight-- eight and
a half hours straight.
So I think--
BETH HOYT: So you're like, oh, honey, don't worry, I'll take
care of him.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah, yeah.
BETH HOYT: And then you go--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Babe, I got him.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, totally.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Don't worry about it.
But meanwhile, it's all a game to go to my own place to sleep
for a while.
BETH HOYT: That's good.
But then you have to deal with, like, being in
a little bit with--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No.
BETH HOYT: That's good bonding time for you and--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, no, no, no, because I bring him into
the room and then I have him fall asleep, and then I go to
the guest bedroom and go--
go to the big bed and fall asleep.
And then in the morning, I go back--
BETH HOYT: You've completely won the new parent situation.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah, no, I--
it's called figuring out the system.
And if you're not smart enough to do that, well, then, you
know, you don't get any sleep.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No sleep for you.
BETH HOYT: No sleep.
So you are your character kind of then.
I guess [INAUDIBLE].
I mean, not--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, not that bad.
I mean, I--
BETH HOYT: Right.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: My characters--
yeah, I'm a little bit like my character.
BETH HOYT: But you do use your son on Daddy Knows Best.
Is that right?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I did.
That, uh--
well, yes, I used my son, my real son,
for a couple of them.
And then my real son was unavailable.
BETH HOYT: That's him in the shark tank, right?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Him in the shark tank.
That's my son.
BETH HOYT: He's crazy cute.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And then in the swim class, and then the
rest of the time it's another baby.
BETH HOYT: You just switched up the babies.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: We did.
My son wasn't available.
He got too expensive.
BETH HOYT: He was busy, huh?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: OK, yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And he's booking a lot of things now.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: So what are you gonna do?
BETH HOYT: In with the next.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yep.
BETH HOYT: Next.
Is it dif-- how different is it filming an internet show
versus being on a TV show, the filming process?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Um, well, for me, it's not as different,
because The League, we get to kind of mess around and say
what we want to say.
And-- and, uh--
but that, I brought that to this.
You know, it's very kind of semi-improvised.
There's a--
there's a script, but there's not-- you know, we can kind of
deviate from that.
BETH HOYT: Do you enjoy that, improvising all the time?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I do.
I do enjoy it.
BETH HOYT: Do you ever wish that it was just, like,
written out for you, and you could come in and
just do your job?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Um, yeah, I've done that.
Um, and it's great.
And when you have great writers, uh, it's awesome to
do that material.
But it's also, there's something fun about talking
the way people really talk, you know?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I don't know when you're gonna talk.
You don't know when I'm gonna stop talking.
BETH HOYT: Exactly.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You know.
So we may interrupt each other.
We may step on each other's, you know,
words, but it happens.
BETH HOYT: Right.
Are you done?
I was just making sure.
I'm just kidding.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oof, awkward.
BETH HOYT: God.
No, it's not.
It's just--
I mean, it's completely--
we're completely shrouded in awkwardness,
because we have this--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: It's still just a lot of sexual tension.
BETH HOYT: It's just, we have this really weird--
I mean, I don't know if you guys saw it.
I don't know if we had--
I don't know if we caught footage and
played the video, but--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yes.
BETH HOYT: We had an incident on Monday.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: We did.
BETH HOYT: You guys, we're gonna cut to
a video right now.
Um, we'll get back to you with your Twitter questions and
YouTube questions.
Um, we're gonna play a video.
And the treat right now is that you get to throw to it--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, I get to--
BETH HOYT: Because it's yours.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah, this is my, uh-- this is the next
episode of Daddy Knows Best.
It's called "The Taser," and you'll know why soon.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Play it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-And that's why daddy doesn't go to Tijuana anymore, because
VD is a real thing, buddy.
You have no idea how much penicillin I had to take to
get rid of that.
You taking this all in, or--

Hey, buddy.

Oh, hey!
Oh, oh, thank you.
Buddy, you can't run off like that, huh?
Gosh.
Oh, thank you so much.
He's, uh--
I'll just--
-No.
You-- no.
I would like to speak to his mother.
-Ah.
Phff, that can't happen.
-You are a piece-of-shit father, and I'm not about to
let you take this child anywhere [INAUDIBLE].
-All right, listen to me, listen to me.
I may not be Madea--
-What?
-But to error is to be human.
You-- you know that.
Look, Will Smith said that at the end of Hitch.
-Will Smith, really?
Are you saying that because he's black or something?
You're a moron.
Call your wife.
-I can't call my wife.
I can't.
-Why?
-I'm on thin ice as it is.
If I call my wife, she's gonna leave me.
And then this kid's gonna grow up in a broken home.
We can't have that.
We cannot.
You know what it's like.
-What?
Oh, I should know?
I should know about a broken family?
Call your wife.
-No, I can't.
I'm not gonna call my wife.
All right?
I'm not gonna call my wife, and I'm not negotiating with a
stranger for my own son.
I own him, and I'm taking him with me.
-You own him?
Oh, it's the white folks.
Well, y'all think y'all own everything.
You can't own a kid.
-I made him.
He came from me.
-Call your wife.
-What?
-No, no, you're not gonna take him nowhere.
-OK, what?
[TASER BUZZ]
-What?
-Huh?
What?
OK, listen, you're strapped, obviously.
-Yeah, I will taze the taste out of your mouth, son.
-You win.
-I know I win.
-I'll call my wife.
Check mate.
-That's right, check mate.
Queen me, all that shit.
-Queening is check--
[TASER BUZZ]
-Uh-uh.
I had to leave work.
What's going on?
-Oh, great.
This lady--
-What?
--won't let me have our son back.
-Oh, so this is my fault.
-What?
-This is my fault?
Hey, your dipshit husband left your child in the park.
-What?
Steve, are you serious?
-Yeah.
-That's--
-Yes.
--only 80% accurate.
-Hey, hey, between me and you, you could do a lot better than
him.
-OK, I don't need you running my family.
-What?
-Yeah, we don't need you running our family.
-Wait a minute, hold up.
I'm just trying to help you out.
You know, obviously you like putting up with this bullshit.
-She does.
-Y'all dumbasses deserve each other.
-We do.
-What did you just say to me?
-I said--
I said that y'all deserve each other.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, please.
Violence is not the answer.
-Steve.
-Yes.
-Get your hand off my boob.
-Dude, are you serious?
-Let's respect boundaries.
-Dude, seriously?
You got a boner?
Really?
He-- he's all yours.
[TASER BUZZ]
-Waaa!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
STEVE RANNAZZISI: [INAUDIBLE], huh?
BETH HOYT: That was great.
Let's-- let's-- let-- we have a lot of questions from the--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, we do?
BETH HOYT: --from the interwebs for you.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: OK.
BETH HOYT: So we're gonna get the other people's questions.
Uh, we have a tweet first.
This is from, um, bogme.
"Were you in any leagues last season, and if so,
where did you place?
Be honest!"
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I am in several leagues.
I play in a league amongst the characters on the show.
BETH HOYT: Oh, really?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And I don't--
didn't finish well there.
I finished in, like, fourth place or fifth place.
And then--
BETH HOYT: Who do you blame?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I blame the football players that didn't
play well--
BETH HOYT: [INAUDIBLE]--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: --for my team.
BETH HOYT: --the players that--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Well, I blame everybody.
BETH HOYT: [INAUDIBLE].
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I blame everybody.
BETH HOYT: It's a team--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I throw everybody under the bus, yeah.
And then, uh, I'm in a league with my high school buddies.
And I finished third there.
So I'm not as good as I think I am, but I'm not as bad as
people say I am, so.
BETH HOYT: Right.
And then when you feel bad with your high school buddies,
you can be like, yeah, but I'm--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah, but I was on this
television show, guys--
BETH HOYT: I'm on this TV show.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I have a--
I have a lot of things on my plate.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Another tweet from, uh, unfoRETTAble.
Uh-oh, this is from Retta.
"Ask Steve if it's true that he thinks Retta is the most
talented person working in Hollywood today bar none."
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Wow, Retta.
Well, you know what?
Funny.
Retta was one of the first people that I ever met when I
moved to Los Angeles 11 years ago.
BETH HOYT: Really?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: That's so cool.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Retta and I went to lunch, and I asked her
about stand-up comedy.
And no one could be happier that she is enjoying so much
success on Parks and Recreation,
which you should watch.
And she's very funny.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And she may be the most
talented person in Hollywood.
I don't know.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, he's throwing out a maybe.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: A maybe, yes.
BETH HOYT: But a lot of-- but a lot of-- he gave you just a
lot of credit, so that was-- that's--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: She's very good.
BETH HOYT: We love you, Retta.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yes.
BETH HOYT: A tweet now is from DavidSloane21.
"Who is the coolest athlete or celeb youve gotten to meet
doing The League?"
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Um, Seth Rogen was really cool.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Very, very cool, as far as-- and Sarah
Silverman, Jeff Goldblum.
Every-- everyone that does our show, we're all kind of
friends with.
So it's tough to pick.
BETH HOYT: And I suppose, like, since you're
improvising, you're working through scenes, so
it has to be fun.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Because you could--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Sarah Silverman was great.
BETH HOYT: --come out on top.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Cool.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And then as far as football players,
Terrell Suggs was awesome.
Terrell Suggs from the Baltimore Ravens.
BETH HOYT: I'm nodding, but OK.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yes, from the Baltimore Ravens.
BETH HOYT: Oh, sure, sure, number--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yep.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Number who?
What was that?
OK.
BETH HOYT: Uh--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And Chad Ochocinco.
You know who that is, right?
BETH HOYT: Oh yeah.
Yep.
I'm spiking the football.
But I do know--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: God, he was on Dancing with the Stars too.
BETH HOYT: Well, don't say that like
that's how I know him.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's how you know.
BETH HOYT: I do know him because obviously he has a
crazy name, and so I've heard about it.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yes, Ochocinco.
BETH HOYT: And I was like, what?
And then, yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: We spent the week in Vegas with him.
BETH HOYT: Cool.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And that was interesting.
Ochocinco has five cell phones.
BETH HOYT: We can leave that there.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You-- you guess why.
BETH HOYT: Well, that makes sense.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You guess why.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
But the bilingual people guess why.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Wow.
BETH HOYT: Uh, now this is a comment from one of your Daddy
Knows Best videos.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, OK.
BETH HOYT: And it is from knucklecorn.
"Omg it's Milana Vayntrub!"
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yes, she was in--
she was in, uh, the game night episode.
She played the woman that I was going to--
[FARTING SOUND]
BETH HOYT: Is that--
is that--
I'm so glad that now I know that--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's exactly what
happens in the video.
BETH HOYT: --because it takes away all the-- the tension is
gone now, because it's like--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: [FARTING SOUND]
Do you know what that means?
BETH HOYT: Um, uh, it has something to do with--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No.
BETH HOYT: --getting the poop out of a baby.
Let's see, a comment now from YouTube is--
zeonio.
Lots of shoutouts today, zeonio. "Steve, what do you
usually do during a normal week (Example, monday to
sunday)--" OK, that's a good example.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: OK, that's a very good example of what a
week would be.
BETH HOYT: As opposed to, you know--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: --starting on a Wednesday.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I had no idea what he was talking
about, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Thank God. "Although i must confess i
didn't know who he was until now, i had to Google him up--
lol"
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: LOL.
[LAUGHTER]
BETH HOYT: He didn't know who you were.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: It's all happening out loud.
Um, I didn't know who you were, either.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, it was just--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And I'm more interested in what you do
Monday through--
BETH HOYT: I'm interested in what he does.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: --Friday.
I--
BETH HOYT: Thursday to Tuesday.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
Oh, this guy's killed people before, for sure.
Bodies, many, many things have happened in this guy's place.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, a lot of--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Um, I mow my lawn.
I take care of the family.
And I do stand-up at night.
And I watch Real Housewives of New Jersey.
BETH HOYT: Do you?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: That's--
I mean, that's-- that's--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, I do.
I love it.
BETH HOYT: I know how that is.
You get sucked into a show that--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah, Real Housewives of New Jersey, and
I watch men work on television.
I watch, like, Coal, Deadliest Catch.
BETH HOYT: Oh, sure.
STEVE RENAZIZI: I watch men who accomplish things with
their hands.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: And women who accomplish things with--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Their--
BETH HOYT: --fake makeup.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: --annoying voices and fake breasts.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: A tweet.
And our tweet is from JMLesley11.
Uh, "What's the best way to tell people that they don't
have beautiful kids?"
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Ugh, agh.
BETH HOYT: Well, just put me near them--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Just--
BETH HOYT: --because undoubtedly I will mouth-vomit
that out somehow.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, god.
BETH HOYT: Come on.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Hideous.
BETH HOYT: Don't.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Just do that.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I thought you were--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah, no, I'm not doing that.
BETH HOYT: You're such a good actor.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Thank you so much.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, you're welcome.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You saw that the other day.
Yeah, ugh.
BETH HOYT: No, just now.
I was fooled.
I thought you were making that face for me
saying mouth vomit.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, no, no.
I'm saying that's what you do to the kids, just go, oh, god.
BETH HOYT: So narcissistic.
Mmm, yeah.
And you just do that.
Do it again one more time.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Ugh, horrible.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's-- that's all you have to do.
BETH HOYT: That's all you have to do.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Or you just don't comment at all.
I think when someone says, like, there's no comment
whatsoever--
everyone says, oh, what a beautiful kid.
Just don't say anything, and then it's kind of evident, you
know, that you--
BETH HOYT: Right.
So one or the other.
You know, either don't comment or do--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Or ugh.
God.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: So that could play either way.
Like, I'm kidding, but meanwhile you really mean your
baby looks like the Elephant Man.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Choose your own adventure.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Steve, it's been a real pleasure--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Really?
BETH HOYT: --having you here.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Thank you.
It's been a pleasure to be here.
BETH HOYT: Well, I'm glad.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I had fun.
BETH HOYT: Me too.
That's it for today's show.
Stay tuned for Wheel of Fortune.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: What?
BETH HOYT: Just kidding.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh.
BETH HOYT: That's not how TV works.
You DVR Wheel of Fortune.
But actually, speaking of that kind of thing, we're in
playlist form now.
So from now on-- this is confusing.
Are you listening?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: OK.
BETH HOYT: From now on, we upload the show
in super-high quality.
So it's, like, in much better quality on the website.
We do-- we open it up the next day at 12:00 PM.
So if you miss it live--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Boom, next day.
BETH HOYT: --and you want to watch it later-- when
do you watch it?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Next day at 12:00 PM.
BETH HOYT: And be sure to check out tomorrow's show.
It's hosted by Daily Grace.
And that's at 4:00 PM Eastern, of course.
And I'll be doing the weekly wrap-up on Friday.
And then next Wednesday, we have the Daily Show's Wyatt
Cenac, and also Gilbert Gottfried will be here live.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh boy.
BETH HOYT: Holy crap.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: All that energy.
BETH HOYT: It's all true.
It's all-- all those things I say are true,
except for when I lie.
Any last words?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No.
Love.

BETH HOYT: Goodnight.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Goodnight.
[MUSIC PLAYING]