What Would Jesus NOT Do?

Uploaded by NonStampCollector on 17.04.2009

What Would Jesus NOT Do?
OK everyone, I've looked at the state of my creation, and there is still sin and disobedience everywhere.
I've decided that something needs to be done.

What? What's the problem?
Sir, whenever you say that kind of thing it usually means that
a lot of people are about to die violent and painful deaths.
Forget all of my past initiatives
I'm going to Earth myself, in human form, and it's going to be the turning point of the history of creation!
Interesting!!! Ooooh!!! That is new! The potential for this is enormous. Oh wow you really ARE going to change the world!!!
So are you actually going to fix things, or just bully them more like you usually do?
What do you mean?
Like, are you going to just threaten to send rebuke upon them, and vexation, fever, (Deuteronomy 28: 20-55)
inflammation, pestilence to destroy them, extreme burning, blasting, mildew, the terrible botch of Egypt,
scabs, hemorrhoids, madness, blindness, the itch that can't be healed,
then threaten to allow their enemies to defeat them with swords, and threaten to allow their dead bodies to be pecked apart by birds
and ripped apart by wild animals, and to force them to see other people have sex with their wives, and to allow their children to be kidnapped by their enemies, and threaten
them with leg injuries, and that things will get so bad that they'll have no choice but to eat their own children. (DEUT 28: 20-55)
Eat their own children? I've never threatened things like that, have I?
Yes, yes, sure. You certainly have (Deuteronomy 28: 53-57)
Well, it was OK for that time and that cultural context. You
can't judge my actions in that situation against a standard of morality from...
Sir you know we don't buy that old line and nobody else ever will either.
I bloody bet they will, you watch, how much you wanna bet, come on, they'll be saying to each other it was OK in that cultural context.
- No, no they won't. - ...context, you can't judge God's actions from a human perspective.
Sir, sir, you we're saying, about your trip to earth?
Oh, Yeah! I'm going down there to perform the blood sacrifice to end all blood sacrifices!
YOU're going to perform a sacrifice? To whom?
To myself! And it's gonna be a human sacrifice!
And the human I'm going to sacrifice, to appease myself, is MYSELF,... (ROMANS 3: 25-26)
Sir that doesn't make any sense
Right. We'll suit yourself with that, Lord, but listen: for a long time we've been putting together some ideas for things on Earth that really need your all-powerful attention,
and since you're actually GOING there, perhaps you'd like to
see our ideas?
Hmmm! Let's have a look? Hmmmm, (moving papers around)
What are these for?
Well, when you go down there and dwell amongst them it'll be the first time that humans have ever come so close to their designer,
so we figured that you'd want to reveal some basic medical knowledge, like teaching them that disease is caused by microscopic viruses
and bacteria, and that they can easily prevent diseases from spreading by doing such things...
Yeah, think of it, Lord. With just a bit of information to get them started, the church you establish will be the world authority on health and medicine for ever,
think of how clearly that will show that you alone are the one true god!!
Well,... interesting idea. That certainly would convince a lot of people.
But... Nahh, I think I'll just tell them that demons are responsible for disease (Matt 17: 14-20; Matt 10: 5-8; Matt 12: 25-28)
Well you could, sir, but that's not actually true, is it?, and they'll figure that out for themselves someday,
(shocked) By telling them that you'll be effectively shutting down all progress in medicine for centuries!
That's right, you're at least going to tell them about penicillin on this trip, aren't you, Lord?
No, even if I wanted to, I won't have time.
I mean, between fishing trips and long periods of time spent praying to myself
I don't think I'll have much spare time, to just go around giving mankind life-saving medical information.
How long would it take to just teach them about vitamins and nutrition, and hygiene!!
All you've ever said is that certain foods are unclean, (Leviticus 11, Deuteronomy 14) when we all know that they're not!
Look, you want medicine and health? Ok! I'll miraculously heal some sick people.
That'll be enough, won't it? I bet nobody else is recorded in human writings as actually having miraculously healed the sick, are they?
Well actually. (Eleazar, Krishna, Ananda, Asclepius, Horus, Attis).
errr...I don't understand, lord why do you wanna help such a limited number of people in just one time and place when you
could so easily give just a tiny piece of your infinite knowledge for them to pass on and build upon, and help all of humanity?
Look, I know what you're saying, but I want to keep up my mysterious image,
It's much more mysterious to be able to end disease but choose not to, see? (disappointment)
All right, but health aside, what general scientific knowledge are you going to teach them on this trip to help mankind develop?
- Develop? - ... There are so many things... - Scientific knowledge?
Nothing, of course! What's wrong with life as they're living it now?
Sir they know next to nothing about the universe they're in, and they're suffering as a result.
They all come up with silly superstitions and then kill each other over them.
You could end that instantly just by revealing a few basic scientific truths!
And while you're at it you could tell them some really advanced scientific and mathematical concepts,
so that later when they confirm those truths for themselves by their own experiments and discoveries,
nobody will be able to doubt that it really WAS you, the lord of the entire universe, in human form!
Hey, I like that idea!! Like, I could drop some hint about energy being mass multiplied by the square of the speed of light.
or accurately describe the structure of the solar system.
But, no, I needn't bother- I've already put in their scriptures that
, and let's face it,
I mean: how is that NOT obviously and irrefutably divinely revealed scientific knowledge about the nature of the universe??
Well, you also told them that the earth sits upon pillars (1 Samual 2:8)
No, no, that one's just metaphorical
And the other one is not?
No, the other one's scientific fact, it's, you know, it's hanging.
How are people meant to tell the difference?
Well, the ones that are correct are facts, and the ones that aren't correct are just metaphor, of course!
You're gonna get them started on electricity, at least, aren't you?
Nnn NO!!!
Why can't you just tell them about it?
Well I can, but I'm just not going to!!
Well, what's going to convince people that you're a human manifestation of
the infinite intelligence behind the entire universe?
Hey, I've got some spectacular miracles planned!
I've got a suggestion for a good miracle, Lord, since you're omnipotent and infinitely caring,
why not magically turn all of the world's deserts into fertile productive land?
thus impressing everyone enormously AND alleviating hunger around the whole world forever! (looks angry)
Provide abundant food for the whole world?
Why go to all that trouble when I can just walk on water in front of a few of my friends and impress everyone just as much!? (Mark 6: 48-51)
Just 'as much'? What do you mean? (second attempt)
Or why don't you re-configure the worlds meteorological systems to give them the perfect balance of sunlight and rain to
successfully grow their crops each season so they don't starve to death?!?
Well no, instead of that how about I give myself magical saliva
that cures deaf and blind people when I wipe it on them (JOHN 9:6, Mark 8:23, Mark 7:33)
Sir, millions and millions of people are going to continue to starve to death throughout the rest of human history,
because rather than do anything helpful about it you'd prefer to go around spitting on disabled people!!!!!
Oh, and I'm going to make some wine too. Get this: Out of water!!!!
Enough for a whole wedding party!!!! (JOHN 2: 1-10)
Is that really what humanity needs, sir? Wine?
You guys have no idea how to display omnipotence, do you?
What else have you got here?
Hold on, What's this about slavery? You're saying here I should discourage it when I go down there?
Well, it's a pretty easy human rights choice,
and if you don't say anything about it, our forecasts show that it will be almost 2,000
years before humans figure that out for themselves,
and in the meantime millions and millions of people are going to live lives of unbearable suffering and hardship----.
It doesn't matter! You guys care about the most obscure things. I don't know where you get...
WHAT IS THIS!? you want me to promote equality between men and women!
Women are only about 50% of the worlds population, why should they get such special attention?
Sir, again, we've run the figures on this. Giving women an equal status to that of men is not only fair and just,
but it would lead to greater peace on Earth,
it would even reduce poverty within societies,
- It'd reduce the number of unwanted babies - OK, hold on, hold on.
You're saying that just by simply telling them that women are equal to men, I could significantly reduce human suffering.
Life on earth would be vastly improved, sir!
- Hmmmm!!! - Please??
Nahh! Nahh! I just don't wanna mess with that kind of thing, you know, it's a cultural thing.
I should just stay out of the way on slavery and womens rights.....
Well, do SOMETHING worthwhile and actually God-like!
Miraculously stabilize the tectonic plates and bring an end to earthquakes and volcanoes,
what a great sign of your power and kindness that would be!
I've heard enough. These suggestions are all ridiculous,
just like yours usually are.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with a teenage Jewish chick to prepare for and ummmm
let's just say that I'm gonna comfort her with my rod and my staff, know what I mean?
Oh, not the whole virgin birth thing again?
just about every saviour deity ever invented has been born of a virgin.
That's enough out of you, Gabriel. In fact, get down to earth right now and tell her what I've got in mind.
Me again, sir?!!
And you might inform her that her consent is neither requested nor required.
And the rest of you...
Get over this silly obsession you seem to have with human welfare and happiness,
and start concerning yourselves more with my arbitrary moral demands.
I don't know why we bother.